I’m new to this, but I love what I’m reading in the feed lately, so, trying my hand!
Some ideas:
What if the greatest diplomacy problem in dealing with humans is that they seem to lie about past events constantly, even to someone who witnessed the same events? Then it’s discovered that humans have recording devices of all kinds– security cameras, diaries, mp3– and the problem becomes clear. Humans lie, but notthat badly. The poor, fretful creatures just have a species-wide brain defect. Kindly aliens take to recording every event and encounter they can, then preface every diplomatic meeting with a record swap so the humans can brush up on what actually happened and the aliens can get some insight into what the humans have been falsely thinking happened. Ambassadors to Earth get supplementary training in how to handle people with memory impairments, and human ambassadors to other worlds start hiring aliens– ANY aliens– to be their assistants. Everything smooths out after that.
Religion. Aliens intellectually understand how religion works and that there are different kinds, but they don’t really “get” it. The biggest confusion regards whether the humans, who do seem to have some sort of empathic abilities at least, are actually communing with incorporeal beings/forces… and if so, why some humans seem able to commune with more than one, while other humans not at all. Notable scholars have decided that the rituals and paraphernalia have nothing to do with the beings or forces being communed with, but muddied the matter by suggesting that the rituals may be important for a human’sability to commune. Alien non-scholars, eager to accommodate this new species and prove that space is nothing to be afraid of– nobody wants a repeat of the H’j’g’rcxin Xenophobia disaster– simply treat any and all religious requests as vital necessities for their human guests and crewmen. Accommodation becomes so ordinary that when the first religious argument erupts between an engineer and a navigator, the biggest shock is that one of them objects to the other wearing a turban, something which does not affect work performance in any way.
Styling. Alien species each have their own primary sense that they rely on, and when they find out that humans primarily rely on sight, well. Reliant on sight means that surface patterns and colorings are particularly important to them, right? They will have evolved to be individually distinctive in appearance? New human crew are automatically assigned a mentor from another vision-reliant species, so someone will be able to tell them apart until the auditory and pheromone labels are attached to their uniforms. Then Abby comes to mess with a new haircut and sparkly chapstick one day, and the mentor has no idea who she is or how she got aboard.
Word of Stabby the Space Roomba spreads, and soon every ship with a human captain or sufficiently high number of human crew has a Stabby. Names vary, but most of them are Stabby. One ship becomes low-key known for sending out broadcasts of Stabby McStabberson, son of Stabberson, son of Stabber, and its adventures stabbing juice boxes in zero-G.
Aesthetics. Humans have a bewildering tendency to open starmaps or sneak into the scientific observation module at odd times, including with a mate or offspring, and just stare at open space. Not even particular stars, although they like to study and talk about particular stars and clusters at times, but just, the whole of space. Why do they do it? Nobody knows. Humans behave as though intoxicated during these times, but productivity lowers dramatically if they are barred access– if barring access even works in the first place, given humans’ seemingly endless ability to get into places where they aren’t supposed to be.
Fire. Due to different atmospheric content, inability to heal from burns, or just plain never needing to cook their food, no alien species has ever utilized fire as a tool. When humans say that learning to use fire may have been the start of their civilization, everybody believes that the humans are just talking a tough game to make up for their lower technology level, or– once they learn about human hierarchies– to compensate for a perceived lack of political status. Then a human sees a catastrophic explosion on a hostile planet and laughs. Then another shushes panicking engineers and smothers an accidental fire with some garments. Then another builds a bonfire out of dead plantlife and a shredded religious document to warm an injured alien crewman after xir endothermic suit is punctured and the planet rotates away from its sun. Humans– soft, cuddly, pack-bonds-even-with-inanimate-objects humans– are comfortably in control of the most terrifying force of disaster the galaxy has ever known. Aliens stop being surprised that we nearly made ourselves extinct so many times in history.
“Why does your larval stage look so similar to your mature stage? How do you know when a human is old enough to leave the Pit of Offspring? Or to mate?”
I think humans will definitely be studied upon by mind-reading aliens. It’s just that we think in so many different ways! There are people who think logically, and those who are more emotional. People who narrate their everyday life, while others think in pictures and scenarios.
I’ve heard of people thinking in colors, people thinking in quotes and memes. Personally, my everyday life is thought in song.
Wouldn’t it be interesting? All the different ways of thinking?
How our mind works would probably become two studies, one about morals and all the philosophical stuff and the other would be why we think in such different ways.
Now have a fun little scenario!
~~~
Mind reading alien - *Is found crying on the floor*
Alien 2 - “What is wrong MRA?”
MRA - *mumbles* “I thought we got a normal one. I thought we got a normal one. I thought we got a normal one.”
Alien 2 - “What did you think we got normal?”
MRA - *Sobs harder* “A normal human!”
Alien 2 - “Well, she is quite normal for her species.”
MRA - “She has been singing the same song about killing a creature of her own species for over 3 human hours!”
Alien 2 - “But I do not hear anything.”
MRA - “She’s been doing it in her head!”
~~~
Glad you asked! (couldn’t find your blog post so I opted to screenshot your reblog)
I would say said alien would just be frozen. Just stands there, dazed. Kinda like when you zone out but worse in a good way. You can bring the alien back by touch but most humans have to go through a screening to see what type of thinker they are so the mind-reading aliens won’t spend a bunch of time being frozen.
Speaking of the screening, I like to think that some humans will purposely change their tag to see the alien zone out or to bluff. Like, if pirates came just saying ‘visual thinker’ & 'horror movies’ is probably enough to deter any alien from entering your mind.
SPEAKING OF MOVIES!
I, 1000% believe that people will capitalise off visual thinkers making stories in their heads. Like they visualise their entire story in their head and people just watch. This not only helps with the story building for the person visualising but is probably entertaining for the aliens as there are a lot of different concepts and ideas that they might not have thought of.
The best thing would be the night time visualisations, aka, DREAMS~
Is it going to be scary? Is it going to mundane everyday work? (Which is probably not mundane for aliens tbh) Is it going to be a whole ass story with a confusing plot and a cliffhanger at the end that drives you mad because you’ll never know what happens after the story because it’s just a dream? WHO KNOWS! It’s a frigging lottery!
Well, if we have a tourism industry in space, why not a food one?
Due to the fact we are humans, we can eat a lot things animals can’t eat, so I imagine that we would have access to a lot of different types of foods.
It would be free trading for the aliens if they can’t eat the fruit/veg and it would be exciting for all the foodies out there!
People might take up poison resistance via intake of poisons just to show off that they can eat a certain food or so they can see if an alien was right about a fruit/veg taste! I mean, if I fruit was as tasty as an alien told us it would be, who wouldn’t?
What if, when your 18 or 12, Idk, you get to pick of fruit you want to be able to eat despite it being poisonous? It would be like choosing a elective/college degree!
~~~
“Hey, what food did you pick?”
“I got the Kuramazui, you know the one that’s like a lemon but it’s pink on the outside and is sweet on the inside?”
“Lucky! By the time I registered, it was all filled up! I picked Bangotango! It seems to be the closest to my tastes other than the Kuramazui.”
Aliens would probably look at us at concern because humans are willing to poison themselves so they can eat food.
Is it just me or do random urges to do things come out of nowhere?
Like, wanting to glomp a nearby friend or singing a random tune?
I mean, just today, I got a hold of a hockey stick and I had the strongest urge to whack some in the head with it and see how far I could yeet them.
Though aliens could just put these urges down in behavioural adaptations, it still wouldn’t make too much sense as behavioural adaptations are usually developed to help the specices survive and jumping out a window certainly would be more detrimental than beneficial.
—
Human - I really want to eat the dirt.
Alien - Human, the soil of this planet is highly toxic for your specices-
Human - But it looks like sherbet!
Alien - No, we must depart now. *Grabs human by the space suit*
Human - *glares at ground* Stupid forbidden sherbet.
—
Human - Who wants to dare me to throw my bag off a balcony?
Alien - Why would you ask someone to throw your supply carrier? It not only contains important materials and equipment but it could severely injure a person.
Human - Cause I want an excuse to do it.
Alien - Why?!
Human - Cause I feel like it.
—
Human - *Hugs other human*
Alien - Human, why did you engage in the ritual you call ‘Hugging’ so spontanously?
Human - I don’t know. Just felt like it.
—
Human - I want to just collaspe down the stairs.
Aliens - ??? Human that would cause more harm than benefit.
I think humans will definitely be studied upon by mind-reading aliens. It’s just that we think in so many different ways! There are people who think logically, and those who are more emotional. People who narrate their everyday life, while others think in pictures and scenarios.
I’ve heard of people thinking in colors, people thinking in quotes and memes. Personally, my everyday life is thought in song.
Wouldn’t it be interesting? All the different ways of thinking?
How our mind works would probably become two studies, one about morals and all the philosophical stuff and the other would be why we think in such different ways.
Now have a fun little scenario!
~~~
Mind reading alien - *Is found crying on the floor*
Alien 2 - “What is wrong MRA?”
MRA - *mumbles* “I thought we got a normal one. I thought we got a normal one. I thought we got a normal one.”
Alien 2 - “What did you think we got normal?”
MRA - *Sobs harder* “A normal human!”
Alien 2 - “Well, she is quite normal for her species.”
MRA - “She has been singing the same song about killing a creature of her own species for over 3 human hours!”
Alien 2 - “But I do not hear anything.”
MRA - “She’s been doing it in her head!”
~~~
Glad you asked! (couldn’t find your blog post so I opted to screenshot your reblog)
I would say said alien would just be frozen. Just stands there, dazed. Kinda like when you zone out but worse in a good way. You can bring the alien back by touch but most humans have to go through a screening to see what type of thinker they are so the mind-reading aliens won’t spend a bunch of time being frozen.
Speaking of the screening, I like to think that some humans will purposely change their tag to see the alien zone out or to bluff. Like, if pirates came just saying ‘visual thinker’ & 'horror movies’ is probably enough to deter any alien from entering your mind.
SPEAKING OF MOVIES!
I, 1000% believe that people will capitalise off visual thinkers making stories in their heads. Like they visualise their entire story in their head and people just watch. This not only helps with the story building for the person visualising but is probably entertaining for the aliens as there are a lot of different concepts and ideas that they might not have thought of.
The best thing would be the night time visualisations, aka, DREAMS~
Is it going to be scary? Is it going to mundane everyday work? (Which is probably not mundane for aliens tbh) Is it going to be a whole ass story with a confusing plot and a cliffhanger at the end that drives you mad because you’ll never know what happens after the story because it’s just a dream? WHO KNOWS! It’s a frigging lottery!
“X bodily fluid is just filtered blood!” buddy I hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood).
“Okay but why is it always so chemically roundabout and unnecessarily complicated” well buddy, that’s because your blood is imitation seawater. See? It’s very simple.
Buddy if anything is living in your blood (except for more parts of you) in detectable amounts then you have a serious microbial infection and need to go to the hospital.
Humans are seawater wastelands kept sterile of all but human cells, with microbial mats coating their surfaces.
Thank you that’s…very disturbing
It’s not my fault you’re human.
Ok but “It’s not my fault you’re human.” Is the best comeback ever.
You can use it against anyone except children that you biologically helped to create.
Picture this: you are a Thing That Lives In The Ocean. Some kind of small multicellular animal a long time ago, before proper circulatory systems existed. “Wow,” you think, metaphorically, “it sure is difficult to diffuse chemicals across my whole body. Kinda puts a hard limit on the size and distance of what specialised organs I can have. Good thing I have all this water around me that’s the same salinity as my cells (they have to be that way so I don’t explode or shrivel up) so I can diffuse and filter chemicals with that.”
“Wait a minute,” you say a couple of generations later, because you’re not actually a small animal but an evolutionary process personified and simplified to the point of dangerous inaccuracy for the purposes of a Tumblr post, “instead of losing all these important chemicals to the water around me, how about I put it in tubes? I can keep MY water separate from the rest of the world’s water! Anything I want to keep goes in my water! Anything I don’t, I dump back into the outside water! I’m a genius! An unthinking natural trial-and-error process that’s a GENIUS!”
“Wow,” you think a great many generations later, “being able to have such control over such high concentrations of important chemicals is so great. Look how big I’m getting. I even have a special pump to move my seawater around, and these cool filter systems to keep the chemicals in it right, and that control and chemical concentration has let me grow so many energy-intensive, highly specialised organs! Being big is so hard. I need special cells just to carry my oxygen around now, to make sure my enormous, constantly-operating body has enough of it.”
At this point you are embodying a fish, and eventually, fish start straying into water with different pressures and salinity levels. (I mean, they do that since befor ehty’er fish, but… look, I’m trying to keep things simple here.) “What the FUCK,” you think. “My inside water is at a different salinity and pressure to the outside water?? How am I supposed to deal with that? I can’t have freshwater inside my seawater tubes! My cells have a set salinity and they would explode! I need to start beefing up my regulatory and filter systems so that my inside seawater STAYS SEAWATER OF THE CORRECT SALINITY even if the outside water is different! Fortunately, adding salt to my seawater is a lot easier than removing it, and I want to be saltier than this weird outside water.” At this point you beef up your liver and urinary systems to compensate for different salinities. (Note: the majority of fish, freshwater and saltwater, have a fairly narrow band of salinities they can live in. Every fish doesn’t get to deal with every level of salinity; they are evolved to regulate within specific bands.)
You also, at some point, go out on land. This is new and weird because you have to carry all of your water inside. “It’s a good thing I turned myself into a giant bag of seawater,” you think. “If I wasn’t carrying my seawater inside, how would I transport all these important chemicals between my organs and the environment?” As you specialise to live entirely outside of the water, you realise (once again) that it’s a lot easier to add salt to water than to remove it in great quantities. Drinking seawater in large amounts becomes toxic; your body isn’t specialised for removing that amount of salt. Instead, you drink freshwater, and add salts to that. The majority of your organs are, at this point, specialised for moving your seawater around, protecting it, adding stuff to it, or taking stuff out. You have turned yourself into an intelligent bag for carrying and regulating a small amount of imitation seawater, and its salinity (and your commitment to maintaining that salinity) is based entirely on the seawater that some early animals started to build tubes around a long time ago.
And that’s what a human is!
Well, there’s another few steps, of course.
Because at some point, operating along lines of logic that worked out perfectly so far, you did decide to be a mammal.
A mammal is a machine for adapting to Circumstances. A mammal is a tremendously resilient all-terrain life-support system, with built-in heating, cooling, respiration, and incubators for reproduction. Mammals internalise everything (grudges, eggs) and furthermore are excessively, flamboyantly wet internally. Sure, everyone’s a bag of chemicals; but mammals slosh. Mammals took the concept of an internal ocean and took it in an unnecessarily splashy direction, added aftermarket mods and a climate-control system,
and just to show off, you leaned across the metaphorical gambling table and said: “my internal ocean is so good-“
“Bullshit,” said the shark, keeping it salty (ha)
“My internal ocean is so brilliantly resilient, more so than any of YOURS,” you said, holding their attention with a digit held aloft, “that for my next trick, I shall artistically recreate the ballad of evolution as a performance. I shall craft a complex chemical ballet depicting the origin of multicellular life - using some of my own material, of course-”
“Oh, ANYONE can lay an egg,” yodel the fish, and the ray adds: “ontogeny does NOT recapitulate phylogeny!!”
And you’re like, “yeah no, it’s an artistic rendition, not a literal thing. Basically I’m going to take some cells and brew them up-“
“Like an egg.”
“Like an egg. An egg but internally.”
“Yeah,” said the viviparous reptile, “yeah, like, that can work really well. I’ve always said it’s the highest test of one’s chemical know-how. It’s a lot of work. And forget about support from your family - forget about support from your PHYLUM - all you get is criticism.”
“I’m gonna do it on purpose forever,” you said. “The highest chemical, thermoregulatory, immunological, everything-logical challenge. It’s gonna be my thing.”
“I’m with you,” said a viviparous fish, stoutly. “Representation.”
You kindly don’t point out, once again, that you’re planning to do this outside the ocean, in a range of temperatures; carrying the dividing cells in a perfect 37.5• solution of saline broth in all terrains, breathing oxygen in a complicated matter, you know, bit more difficult; but you need your allies.
“It’s solid,” says the coelacanth.
“But is it metal?” says the deep-vent organism.
“Oh, it’s metal. I will feed the young,” you say, magnificently, “on an echo of the mother ocean. The first rich feast of cellular matter, the first hunt for sustenance, the first bite they sip of our liquid planet-”
Everyone waits.
“Will be a blood byproduct. My own blood byproduct.”
Everyone looks uncomfortable.
“But,” a hagfish says carefully, “don’t you outdoorsy guys still need your blood?”
You cough and explain that if you stay wet enough internally and hydrate frequently, you should be able to produce enough blood byproduct to sustain your hellish new invention until they can eat your peers.
The outrage that follows includes questions like “is this some furry shit?” And: “milk has WATER in it?”
And you won the bet. “My inner ocean is such a perfect homage to the primordial soup that I can personally cook up an entire live hairy mammal in it. And then generate excess blood byproduct from my body and give it to the small mammal until it gets big.”
That is an absolutely bonkers pitch, by the way, and everyone thought you were a showoff, even before the opposable thumbs. When the winter came, and the winter of winters, and the rain was acid and the air was poison on the tender shells of their eggs and choked the children in the shells; when the plants turned to poison, and the ocean turned against you all; when the climate changed, and the world’s children fell to shadow; your internal ocean was it that held true. A bet laid against the changing fates, a bet laid by a small beast against climate and geography and the forces of outer space, that you won. The dinosaurs fell and the pterosaurs fell and the marine reptiles dwindled, and you, furthest-child, least-looked-for, long-range-spaceship, held hope internally at 37.5 degrees. Which is another thing that humans do, sometimes.
On the topic of humans being everyone’s favorite Intergalactic versions of Gonzo the Great: Come on you guys, I’ve seen all the hilarious additions to my “humans are the friendly ones” post. We’re basically Steve Irwin meets Gonzo from the Muppets at this point. I love it.
But what if certain species of aliens have Rules for dealing with humans?
Don’t eat their food. If human food passes your lips/beak/membrane/other way of ingesting nutrients, you will never be satisfied with your ration bars again.
Don’t tell them your name. Humans can find you again once they know your name and this can be either life-saving or the absolute worst thing that could happen to you, depending on whether or not they favor you. Better to be on the safe side.
Winning a human’s favor will ensure that a great deal of luck is on your side, but if you anger them, they are wholly capable of wiping out everything you ever cared about. Do not anger them.
If you mustanger them, carry a cage of X’arvizian bloodflies with you, for they resemble Earth mo-skee-toes and the human will avoid them.
This does not always work. Have a last will and testament ready.
Do not let them take you anywhere on your planet that you cannot fly a ship from. Beings who are spirited away to the human kingdom of Aria Fiv-Ti Won rarely return, and those that do are never quite the same.
Basically, humans are like the Fair Folk to some aliens and half of them are scared to death and the others are like alien teenagers who are like “I dare you to ask a human to take you to Earth”.
We knew about the planet called Earth for centuries before we made contact with its indigenous species, of course. We spent decades studying them from afar.
The first researchers had to fight for years to even get a grant, of course. They kept getting laughed out of the halls. A T-Class Death World that had not only produced sapient life,but a Stage Two civilization? It was a joke, obviously. It had to be a joke.
And then it wasn’t. And we all stopped laughing.Instead, we got very, very nervous.
We watched as the human civilizations not only survived, but grew, and thrived, and invented things that we had never even conceived of. Terrible things, weapons of war, implements of destruction as brutal and powerful as one would imagine a death world’s children to be. In the space of less than two thousand years, they had already produced implements of mass death that would have horrified the most callous dictators in the long, dark history of the galaxy.
Already, the children of Earth were the most terrifying creatures in the galaxy. They became the stuff of horror stories, nightly warnings told to children; huge, hulking, brutish things, that hacked and slashed and stabbed and shot and burned and survived, that built monstrous metal things that rumbled across the landscape and blasted buildings to ruin.
All that preserved us was their lack of space flight. In their obsession with murdering one another, the humans had locked themselves into a rigid framework of physics that thankfully omitted the equations necessary to achieve interstellar travel.
They became our bogeymen. Locked away in their prison planet, surrounded by a cordon of non-interference, prevented from ravaging the galaxy only by their own insatiable need to kill one another. Gruesome and terrible, yes - but at least we were safe.
Or so we thought.
The cities were called Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In the moment of their destruction, the humans unlocked a destructive force greater than any of us could ever have believed possible. It was at that moment that those of us who studied their technology knew their escape to be inevitable, and that no force in the universe could have hoped to stand against them.
The first human spacecraft were… exactly what we should have expected them to be. There were no elegant solar wings, no sleek, silvered hulls plying the ocean of stars. They did not soar on the stellar currents. They did not even register their existence. Humanity flew in the only way it could: on all-consuming pillars of fire, pounding space itself into submission with explosion after explosion. Their ships were crude, ugly, bulky things, huge slabs of metal welded together, built to withstand the inconceivable forces necessary to propel themselves into space through violence alone.
It was almost comical. The huge, dumb brutes simply strapped an explosive to their backs and let it throw them off of the planet.
We would have laughed, if it hadn’t terrified us.
Humanity, at long last, was awake.
It was a slow process. It took them nearly a hundred years to reach their nearest planetary neighbor; a hundred more to conquer the rest of their solar system. The process of refining their explosive propulsion systems - now powered by the same force that had melted their cities into glass less than a thousand years before - was slow and haphazard. But it worked. Year by year, they inched outward, conquering and subduing world after world that we had deemed unfit for habitation. They burrowed into moons, built orbital colonies around gas giants, even crafted habitats that drifted in the hearts of blazing nebulas. They never stopped. Never slowed.
The no-contact cordon was generous, and was extended by the day. As human colonies pushed farther and farther outward, we retreated, gave them the space that they wanted in a desperate attempt at… stalling for time, perhaps. Or some sort of appeasement. Or sheer, abject terror. Debates were held daily, arguing about whether or not first contact should be initiated, and how, and by whom, and with what failsafes. No agreement was ever reached.
We were comically unprepared for the humans to initiate contact themselves.
It was almost an accident. The humans had achieved another breakthrough in propulsion physics, and took an unexpected leap of several hundred light years, coming into orbit around an inhabited world.
What ensued was the diplomatic equivalent of everyone staring awkwardly at one another for a few moments, and then turning around and walking slowly out of the room.
The human ship leapt away after some thirty minutes without initiating any sort of formal communications, but we knew that we had been discovered, and the message of our existence was being carried back to Terra.
The situation in the senate could only be described as “absolute, incoherent panic”. They had discovered us before our preparations were complete. What would they want? What demands would they make? What hope did we have against them if they chose to wage war against us and claim the galaxy for themselves? The most meager of human ships was beyond our capacity to engage militarily; even unarmed transport vessels were so thickly armored as to be functionally indestructible to our weapons.
We waited, every day, certain that we were on the brink of war. We hunkered in our homes, and stared.
Across the darkness of space, humanity stared back.
There were other instances of contact. Human ships - armed, now - entering colonized space for a few scant moments, and then leaving upon finding our meager defensive batteries pointed in their direction. They never initiated communications. We were too frightened to.
A few weeks later, the humans discovered Alphari-296.
It was a border world. A new colony, on an ocean planet that was proving to be less hospitable than initially thought. Its military garrison was pitifully small to begin with. We had been trying desperately to shore it up, afraid that the humans might sense weakness and attack, but things were made complicated by the disease - the medical staff of the colonies were unable to devise a cure, or even a treatment, and what pitifully small population remained on the planet were slowly vomiting themselves to death.
When the human fleet arrived in orbit, the rest of the galaxy wrote Alphari-296 off as lost.
I was there, on the surface, when the great gray ships came screaming down from the sky. Crude, inelegant things, all jagged metal and sharp edges, barely holding together. I sat there, on the balcony of the clinic full of patients that I did not have the resources or the expertise to help, and looked up with the blank, empty, numb stare of one who is certain that they are about to die.
I remember the symbols emblazoned on the sides of each ship, glaring in the sun as the ships landed inelegantly on the spaceport landing pads that had never been designed for anything so large. It was the same symbol that was painted on the helmets of every human that strode out of the ships, carrying huge black cases, their faces obscured by dark visors. It was the first flag that humans ever carried into our worlds.
It was a crude image of a human figure, rendered in simple, straight lines, with a dot for the head. It was painted in white, over a red cross.
The first human to approach me was a female, though I did not learn this until much later - it was impossible to ascertain gender through the bulky suit and the mask. But she strode up the stairs onto the balcony, carrying that black case that was nearly the size of my entire body, and paused as I stared blankly up at her. I was vaguely aware that I was witnessing history, and quite certain that I would not live to tell of it.
Then, to my amazement, she said, in halting, uncertain words, “You are the head doctor?”
I nodded.
The visor cleared. The human bared its teeth at me. I learned later that this was a “grin”, an expression of friendship and happiness among their species.
“We are The Doctors Without Borders,” she said, speaking slowly and carefully. “We are here to help.”
You can’t get this extremely good kind of content scrolling anywhere else.
I found this thing on Facebook… and I fell down the Humans Are Weird hole yet again. (I first did before I even started my blog - Pinterest is sooo full of these posts! And I keep falling down it from time to time, when I discover something new)
So if I put you in an L-shaped swimming pool, and you knew there was a corpse around the corner, you’d be fine?
loving the implication that I’m a little animal and you’re a scientist putting me into various bodies of water to test my corpse:water ratio tolerance
i think it has to be a moving body of water. like, if theres definitely a corpse in a lake, im not gonna swim in it, but if someone died in a river, and its been a bit, idk the water has moved on at this point, its probably fine
So I have been on a Humans Are Space Orks/Earth is Space Australia kick, and here are the results, my top three starting with my absolute fav Bright Stars!
I have been addicted to this fic sense I first read it, look in the comments and you’ll see I leave essay length reviews on nearly every chapter, lol.
⚠️ Most these feature sentiant beings in captivity, so keep an eye on the tags and warnings.
…
Bright Stars
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
There had been rumors of a human who wasn’t performing well in fighting rings, constantly ignoring their lesser opponents and trying to go after the very loud, very violent crowd instead.
or
Not only did Hizashi allow himself to be caught by the alien trafficking ring he and Shouta were trying to bring down, he was also stuck in a cell with a Deathworlder.
Izuku is a normal human kid… Okay, well, actually, he can’t say that! Only .009% of kids who apply to study in space at the battalion satellite actually get accepted, and even then, only one has ever gone missing! (It sucks that that one kid is Izuku.)
Humans are rare to see in the galaxy - but seeing a living being who’s seen a pissed off human before? Even rarer. Humans are monsters - some of the best fighters in the galaxy and some of the strongest will powers of all known creatures. To most, they seem stupid. Dumb as hell. They can’t even learn a language, can they?
1) Terrans are a new addition to the Intergalactic Sapients list
2) The HSPC has yet to establish proper contact since the unspoken incident
3) They are violent and dangerous.
So when he gets shoved into a cell with two students, the last thing he expects is for a Terran to be thrown in with them. Or for Terrans to be so… different to the stories.
Mmm first things first, Humans Are Space Orks Midoriya Izuku Edition has updated several times sense I first made this post, go check that out.
Second, I somehow missed recing a space ork fic my first time around, so here it is now, Accidental Human Acquisition, by Cittsah! The plot is very similar to How to Train Your Terran (or is it the other way around?) But it’s pretty good, and also features feral Mamadoriya in later chapters, which is always a treat. Unfortunately short, but well written and with an entertaining plot.
Accidental Human Acquisition
by Cittsah
Plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Writing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Humans are a new addition to the Galactic Federations sentient species list. They had been around for thousands of years, but other denizens of space had only become acquainted in the past decade or so. The interactions have been rocky at best and not much is known about the species. They are rumored to be reclusive, violent, illogical, and reckless. An exhaustive list of every trait any sane sentient would want to avoid. So when Training Vessel 1-A, rather unconventionally, acquires a human of their very own no one knew what to think. Nothing could have prepared them for the whirlwind of chaos they now had among their ranks.
Last, I decided to add a rec that isn’t technically Humans Are Space Orks, but it is a space/alien AU, and it has Erasermic Fam, and Hitoshi is adorably kitten sized compared to his new adopted parents, which instantly absolves it of all sins. Plus, the author is my absolute favorite for non human AUs! This isn’t my favorite fic of theirs, but it’s still pretty good, and I highly recommend you take a look at all of Badum_tsh’s work too, because they are amazing!
You’re an Alien?
by Badum_Tsh
Plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Writing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It was just an average space storm. Until his lightning rod suddenly malfunctioned and his ship was sent careening to a nearby uninhabited planet. Luckily for him, he’s not the only alien on this horrible rock.
So I have been on a Humans Are Space Orks/Earth is Space Australia kick, and here are the results, my top three starting with my absolute fav Bright Stars!
I have been addicted to this fic sense I first read it, look in the comments and you’ll see I leave essay length reviews on nearly every chapter, lol.
⚠️ Most these feature sentiant beings in captivity, so keep an eye on the tags and warnings.
…
Bright Stars
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
There had been rumors of a human who wasn’t performing well in fighting rings, constantly ignoring their lesser opponents and trying to go after the very loud, very violent crowd instead.
or
Not only did Hizashi allow himself to be caught by the alien trafficking ring he and Shouta were trying to bring down, he was also stuck in a cell with a Deathworlder.
Izuku is a normal human kid… Okay, well, actually, he can’t say that! Only .009% of kids who apply to study in space at the battalion satellite actually get accepted, and even then, only one has ever gone missing! (It sucks that that one kid is Izuku.)
Humans are rare to see in the galaxy - but seeing a living being who’s seen a pissed off human before? Even rarer. Humans are monsters - some of the best fighters in the galaxy and some of the strongest will powers of all known creatures. To most, they seem stupid. Dumb as hell. They can’t even learn a language, can they?
1) Terrans are a new addition to the Intergalactic Sapients list
2) The HSPC has yet to establish proper contact since the unspoken incident
3) They are violent and dangerous.
So when he gets shoved into a cell with two students, the last thing he expects is for a Terran to be thrown in with them. Or for Terrans to be so… different to the stories.
Mmm first things first, Humans Are Space Orks Midoriya Izuku Edition has updated several times sense I first made this post, go check that out.
Second, I somehow missed recing a space ork fic my first time around, so here it is now, Accidental Human Acquisition, by Cittsah! The plot is very similar to How to Train Your Terran (or is it the other way around?) But it’s pretty good, and also features feral Mamadoriya in later chapters, which is always a treat. Unfortunately short, but well written and with an entertaining plot.
Accidental Human Acquisition
by Cittsah
Plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Writing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Humans are a new addition to the Galactic Federations sentient species list. They had been around for thousands of years, but other denizens of space had only become acquainted in the past decade or so. The interactions have been rocky at best and not much is known about the species. They are rumored to be reclusive, violent, illogical, and reckless. An exhaustive list of every trait any sane sentient would want to avoid. So when Training Vessel 1-A, rather unconventionally, acquires a human of their very own no one knew what to think. Nothing could have prepared them for the whirlwind of chaos they now had among their ranks.
Last, I decided to add a rec that isn’t technically Humans Are Space Orks, but it is a space/alien AU, and it has Erasermic Fam, and Hitoshi is adorably kitten sized compared to his new adopted parents, which instantly absolves it of all sins. Plus, the author is my absolute favorite for non human AUs! This isn’t my favorite fic of theirs, but it’s still pretty good, and I highly recommend you take a look at all of Badum_tsh’s work too, because they are amazing!
You’re an Alien?
by Badum_Tsh
Plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Writing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It was just an average space storm. Until his lightning rod suddenly malfunctioned and his ship was sent careening to a nearby uninhabited planet. Luckily for him, he’s not the only alien on this horrible rock.
So I have been on a Humans Are Space Orks/Earth is Space Australia kick, and here are the results, my top three starting with my absolute fav Bright Stars!
I have been addicted to this fic sense I first read it, look in the comments and you’ll see I leave essay length reviews on nearly every chapter, lol.
⚠️ Most these feature sentiant beings in captivity, so keep an eye on the tags and warnings.
…
Bright Stars
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
There had been rumors of a human who wasn’t performing well in fighting rings, constantly ignoring their lesser opponents and trying to go after the very loud, very violent crowd instead.
or
Not only did Hizashi allow himself to be caught by the alien trafficking ring he and Shouta were trying to bring down, he was also stuck in a cell with a Deathworlder.
Izuku is a normal human kid… Okay, well, actually, he can’t say that! Only .009% of kids who apply to study in space at the battalion satellite actually get accepted, and even then, only one has ever gone missing! (It sucks that that one kid is Izuku.)
Humans are rare to see in the galaxy - but seeing a living being who’s seen a pissed off human before? Even rarer. Humans are monsters - some of the best fighters in the galaxy and some of the strongest will powers of all known creatures. To most, they seem stupid. Dumb as hell. They can’t even learn a language, can they?
1) Terrans are a new addition to the Intergalactic Sapients list
2) The HSPC has yet to establish proper contact since the unspoken incident
3) They are violent and dangerous.
So when he gets shoved into a cell with two students, the last thing he expects is for a Terran to be thrown in with them. Or for Terrans to be so… different to the stories.
Mmm first things first, Humans Are Space Orks Midoriya Izuku Edition has updated several times sense I first made this post, go check that out.
Second, I somehow missed recing a space ork fic my first time around, so here it is now, Accidental Human Acquisition, by Cittsah! The plot is very similar to How to Train Your Terran (or is it the other way around?) But it’s pretty good, and also features feral Mamadoriya in later chapters, which is always a treat. Unfortunately short, but well written and with an entertaining plot.
Accidental Human Acquisition
by Cittsah
Plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Writing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Humans are a new addition to the Galactic Federations sentient species list. They had been around for thousands of years, but other denizens of space had only become acquainted in the past decade or so. The interactions have been rocky at best and not much is known about the species. They are rumored to be reclusive, violent, illogical, and reckless. An exhaustive list of every trait any sane sentient would want to avoid. So when Training Vessel 1-A, rather unconventionally, acquires a human of their very own no one knew what to think. Nothing could have prepared them for the whirlwind of chaos they now had among their ranks.
Last, I decided to add a rec that isn’t technically Humans Are Space Orks, but it is a space/alien AU, and it has Erasermic Fam, and Hitoshi is adorably kitten sized compared to his new adopted parents, which instantly absolves it of all sins. Plus, the author is my absolute favorite for non human AUs! This isn’t my favorite fic of theirs, but it’s still pretty good, and I highly recommend you take a look at all of Badum_tsh’s work too, because they are amazing!
You’re an Alien?
by Badum_Tsh
Plot: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Writing: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It was just an average space storm. Until his lightning rod suddenly malfunctioned and his ship was sent careening to a nearby uninhabited planet. Luckily for him, he’s not the only alien on this horrible rock.
What happens when humans start feeling the pressure of living up to their reputation that’s spread across the galaxy?
A combination of mental health-related ideas from a few different comments that have been left on here, ao3, and youtube.
***** ***** *****
When Chek found the team’s resident human, he seemed… unwell. She’d seen the human do strange breathing techniques before bed or during infrequent quiet moments at their shared station.
But this was different. She couldn’t exactly say why, but it was very different in a way that she could just feel. The way he was breathing was not comforting. Something was wrong.
“Human Dave? Have… have you been here the whole time?” Chek didn’t add that she and the others had been looking for him for the past 30 mentiks, and had been growing increasingly annoyed and worried as time went on. Something told her that it would be counterintuitive of whatever was going on right now.
Dave, who had been staring at her blankly ever since she’d come around the corner into the kitchen, closed his eyes and nodded silently. Chek knew that was a common affirmative gesture humans used, but her worry only grew. Human Dave normally was a very vocal and upbeat character on the team. His silence didn't’ sit well with her now.
Dave gave her no further information, just sat on the floor, propped up against the wall, breathing in slowly through his nose and then even slower out his mouth. Unsure of what to do, and not wanting to just keep standing awkwardly there in the silence, she eventually sat adjacent to him on the floor. Human Dave kept breathing.
Whatever was going on, Chek realized she wasn’t sure what proper conduct she should follow. What were the rules of etiquette when your team’s human was found hiding alone and on the verge of tears?
As inconspicuously as she could, Chek sent a message to the rest of the team to let them know she’d found Dave and would return as soon as they could. She immediately silenced her communicator after that, knowing her team members would want more information. They’d get it in time. Her main priority right now was helping Dave get through… whatever was going on right now.
But how to do that? Well, Check thought, what better way to help a human than to do it in the most human way possible: jump in head-first and hope for the best.
“I can tell something is wrong, but I don’t know what. Dave, how can I best lend aid to you now?”
The way Human Dave stared at her, she almost began wondering how best to back-pedal out of this. She knew humans were typically very prideful of their strength and prowess. Had she over-stepped by insinuating that he was weak and even needed her help?
Dave inhaled sharply in a way that sounded like it moved a lot of mucus around in his nasal cavity. It wasn’t the most pleasant sound, but Chek didn’t really have much time to think about that because she realized Dave’s eyes were leaking.
“Oh no, are you hurt?” Chek was back on her six legs in an instant. “Are your eyes injured? Is that why you’ve been hiding?!” That would make sense, she thought to herself, if something was wrong with his eyes and he couldn’t see, bunkering down in a safe, defensible position was a smart move. She moved forward to carefully and as comfortingly as she could manage, grab his hand. “I can get you to the med bay. I can guide you there if you need me. Or maybe I should go there and bring… someone who… can…”
Chek trailed off as she realized, to her great confusion, that Human Dave was now laughing. Well, not quite laughing. It started small and didn’t grow much, nowhere close to his usual loud and infectious laugh, but there it was something.
“Human Dave?” Chek looked over the human in question, now completely lost. Here she’d been only cycles ago thinking she was finally understanding humans and their quirks. She apparently didn’t know as much as she thought she did.
“I’m fine, Chek, I’m fine,” Dave finally chuckled, though the grin in his voice was quickly fading again. The grin on his face melted away soon after. “Actually, no. I’m not.”
Chek blinked a few of her eyes in confusion. “Not what?”
Dave swallowed and it looked like his chest visibly tightened. After a short moment, he began breathing deeply again in that strange way she’d found him doing earlier.
It finally dawned on her. His breathing. He’s trying to calm down. But unlike before, he’s not calming down for bed or meditating, he’s trying to calm down from something. But what? She looked around at the kitchen. There was nothing here to scare him. There were no attackers or visible danger. What had him so stressed and riled?
“You’re not what?” Chek inquired, her worry for her teammate leaked into her voice. “Please Dave, help me understand. What’s going on?”
The pattern of Dave’s breathing broke. His deep breaths became more shallow and rapid. It was more like he was trying to choke down air. His exhales were mixed with his voice in desperate cries like he was in pain.
“I’m not… I’m not…”
Chek watched, frozen, as Dave balled up his fist and slammed them on the floor next to him. He choked on his breaths half a moment more until he finally was able to gasp another mouthful and began trying to regulate his deep breathing technique again. Chek said nothing. What could she say? She was completely at a loss.
Finally, Dave was able to speak again, though it was quiet and full of pauses as if he was looking for the right words to say.
“I’m… I… feel like I’m a failure. I’m… I’m not… humans are supposed to be so strong and fearless and smart and great and all. And you… when you guys requested a human you… you probably thought you were… getting a good one… like all the stories. I… I’m trying, but I feel like… you could have gotten any human assigned, but instead… and there are so many who could have been here instead. They’d probably do so much better. Be so much braver. I feel like… I’m lying to everyone just by being here… and that you guys just haven’t realized it yet…”
Dave continued talking for a while more. Chek could only understand bits and phrases here and there after a while, but she let him talk on for as long as he needed. He needed to talk. He needed to feel heard. And she needed to process what she heard.
Dave felt afraid. Not only of some of the dangers they had to face in their jobs on the team but also afraid of his team rejecting him. Or rather, afraid that he wasn’t living up to his team’s ideals of humans and that would lead to them rejecting him. It sounded like it had been eating away at him in his mind for some time.
How had she not seen that? How had no one seen that? Human Dave had joined their team decacycles ago. They’d been so excited to have a human on the team and when Dave showed up, his integration with the team seemed so smooth and fine. Sure there’d been odd moments now and again. He’d freeze momentarily before a task, but that was expected with anyone starting a new role. He was friendly and fun, but there’d be times when it seemed like he was zoning out, or that he was physically there, but his mind was partecs away. There’d likely been numerous things that could have been signs of what was really bothering Dave that no one had noticed. After all, humans were known to be a bit weird now and again, so no one probably shook a whisker when Dave was showing signs that something wasn’t quite right. Everyone assumed he was fine. And Dave was breaking under the pressure of making sure everyone kept assuming that.
It was quiet again in the kitchen. Dave’s eyes were pointed directly at his feet. They were still leaking slowly, but if he wasn’t worried about it, then Chek figured it wasn’t something she needed to get a medic for. Instead, she sat down next to Dave. Even though the human, when standing, was much taller than her, while they were both sitting, they were relatively on the same level.
Dave’s deep breathing was more regular now. More like how it normally was, but still not quite right. She breathed along with him for a while. Human lungs take in much more air than Kreechen lungs, but she did her best to try to match him.
After a moment, she paused and smiled. “I remember the cycle you arrived. We’d all been so excited to have a human on the team.” She looked over at him, but he still had his eyes locked on his feet. She continued.
“We’d all done some research in preparation. We knew humans came in lots of shapes, sizes, styles, and temperaments. We wanted to make a good first impression, so we made a bunch of foods we’d read were popular on Earth.”
Dave, while still not looking up, did appear to have the faintest hint of a smile on his lips. He remembered that day too.
“We tried to get as many ingredients as we could that were safe,” Chek continued, “and looked up as many replacement or alternatives as we could that we thought made sense in the recipes.” The grin on Chek’s face slipped almost comically into an overexaggerated scowl. “Oh my stars, I can’t remember what went wrong, but I do remember the smell. Augh! It took cycles to get rid of it! It was terrible!”
Dave chuckled and shook his head slightly. “It tasted even worse.”
They both chuckled for a moment. It wasn’t at Dave’s normal energetic and vibrant levels, but it was something. Even after they both settled back into silence, Chek could feel that something was different now. Better somehow.
Chek sighed and thought of how to continue. She could tell that her next words would be important and needed to be selected carefully.
“It was such a relief that despite our less than perfect efforts, you seemed to think no less of us. Flarg, you even ate most of that dish!”
Dave interrupted with a sound that was a mix between a hum and a whine. He glanced at Chek then back to his feet, then back again. “Actually,” he began, then stopped. His mouth would open for a moment, but no sound came out. Finally, he sighed and closed his eyes. “If I’m totally honest with you, I only ate like three tiny bites. I threw most of it away when no one was looking.”
Chek stared at him.
Then burst into laughter.
“By the stars!” she nearly howled. Her laughter nearly shook her tiny body, but she couldn’t stop it. From the looks of it, it was spreading a bit to the human at her side who was at first startled, then loosened up enough to laugh along.
“You threw it… you threw it… away!” Chek managed to get out between laughs. “Oh gilded moon plates, that explains so much! Ohhhh, okay. Let me breathe a bit. Wow. Oh, we were all worried we’d sentenced you to the medical ward for your first few cycles with us! Then we figured you’d managed to stomach it because you’re human.” Chek tried to catch her breath as she straightened a few errant hairs.
“Ohhhh, stars, okay. Anyway. As I was saying,” she looked at Dave who this time met and kept her gaze. “We’d been so worried about making a good first impression. We wanted to stand up to all the expectations you probably had of us. We felt terrible when that didn’t go as planned, and apparently, it was worse than we thought…
“But regardless of that, you were so kind. You not only got right to work on the team, you went right ahead with befriending and bonding with us. You shared yourself with us and were genuinely interested in our lives and who each of us were, not just what skills or roles we fulfilled. You were like some kind of glue that we didn’t even know we needed. Before you came, we were a team, but ever since you arrived we’ve been more. We’ve been like a family.”
Dave said nothing and broke eye contact, but didn’t turn away. Chek waited for him to speak, but after a few moments, it didn’t seem like he was going to just yet.
Chek looked down at her feet. She felt a bit of frustration bubble up in her core. She was certainly no expert in Kreechen mental health, let alone mental health for humans, but for just this one moment, she wished she could call upon all the expertise she needed to know what to help. But she couldn’t, so she’d have to settle with what little she could do and hope it was enough.
“I don’t know what all you’re going through, Dave,” she started, “but you should know that this team loves you. We could have been assigned any number of humans, and who knows how any of them would have fit with us? No idea. But the thing is, you were the one that showed up to eat our terrible attempt at making human food. You’re our human. You, and all the things that, good, bad, or neutral, make you you.”
Chek rested a small hand on Dave’s arm. She knew that physical touch was an important and powerful communication tool for many humans and that Dave was no exception. “This team wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t have you. Whatever you need, we’ve got your back covered, just like you always cover ours.”
Chek paused to wait for Dave to respond. But he didn’t. She watched his face. She considered herself pretty adept at reading human facial emotions by now, but she had a hard time pinning down what Dave was feeling. If anything, it looked like several emotions were at war across his features.
Without knowing completely what she was going to say, she opened her mouth.
“It’s okay to not always be running at your 100% you know. No one on this team is, and no one expects it of you. Whatever you imagine you’re supposed to be, or what you think we expected you to be, it doesn’t matter. Because, well, you’re you instead! You’re our human.” She leaned in with a mock-serious look, “And you better be nice to our human, or well, or else we’re gonna have problems!”
She barely finished the sentence before she broke into laughter. To her immense relief, Dave laughed too. When Dave’s stomach made a strange growling noise, they both laughed even harder.
“If I’m understanding that right,” Chek started after she settled down a bit again, “you’re pretty hungry?”
Dave chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, guess so. I… I guess I’ve been so upset lately, I kind of forgot to eat.”
Chek “tsk" ’d. Leave it to a human to even have the ability to forget to eat. She looked around the room. “Well, we’re in the kitchen now. Anything you want while we’re here?”
Dave’s eyes scanned the area with a hum. A smile broke across his face slowly. “You know, since you brought up that meal you all made me my first day, I think I’m kind of in the mood for some stroganoff.”
Chek’s face scrunched up slightly. “Is that how that dish is pronounced?” Dave nodded with a smile. Chek got up and walked further into the kitchen with Dave following. “Do we even have ingredients to make it now? I don’t really want a repeat of… last time.”
“Just about.” Dave opened the walk-in cooler where various food supplies for each species on the team were stored in separate compartments. “And the ones we don’t, I know the proper substitutions.”
Chek wasn’t 100% convinced, but at this point, the fact that Dave was up and about and seemed to be doing much better than when she found him, she wasn’t going to stop him now.
While she waited for the human to gather the ingredients he needed, she checked her comm device and saw she’d missed several messages after she’d relayed that she’d found Dave. Everyone wanted to know where he was and what was going on.
“Hey Dave,” Chek looked up as the human in question came out of the cooler with his hands full, “the rest of the team’s been worried about you. I told them I found you and you’re okay, but before I tell them where we are, do you feel up to having company right now?”
Dave paused and considered her for a moment. He opened his mouth and for a moment didn’t say anything, but finally nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I think I’m good now, or I will be.” He set his ingredients on the countertop and took another deep breath. “Besides, cooking really helps me calm down, and” he laughed, sounding more and more like his old cheerful self, “if they come, maybe I can teach everyone how to make stroganoff without having to wear a gas mask by the end!”
Chek sent a response to the rest of the team. Their human was going to be okay, but for now, needed a bit extra love and support. Thankfully, that was something the rest of the team could do much easier than they could cook human food.
***** ***** *****
Author’s Note:
Sometimes feel like what we’re doing or who we are isn’t enough. This was in some ways therapeutic for me to write because it’s something I feel sometimes too. We all have moments like Dave where we need to breathe deeply and slowly and be reminded, or remind ourselves that we are enough. There is no one “right” way to human. There is no one “right” level of energy, effort, or perfection that we need to be at to human.
To whoever is reading this right now and needs to hear this: You are enough. Right now. Take a deep breath and breathe out slowly. Do it as many times as you need and remind yourself that each day is different, and so are you.
Don’t forget to be a Chek for yourself when you’re being a Dave.
I love you, you funky and precious human. You’re doing great
Someone in the comments on YouTube gave me the idea to make this. Once humans get popular in the galactic community, you KNOW vlogs like these are going to explode
Nipti looked out the large bay window from the Fritik Conservatory. It was one of his favorite scenic views to look out over a large section of his gardens. Or at least, it used to be scenic. Marley’s ship did manage to be no small eyesore while it slouched next to his shop just behind a few sparchel shrubs. The human’s beloved piece of junk was missing a few exterior panels, exposing cracked insulation foam. That would be Marley’s work. The old panels were shredded and melted in huge patches from atmospheric entry and stars knew what else. There was no way they could be trusted in space flight. After tearing them off, Marley ended up using a small piece of one slightly less melted corner and etched some alien symbols onto it to fashion a “name tag” of sorts. When asked, Marley said it was for their job so people would recognize their authority. Nipti just figured that meant it was some odd human power-move and went on with his chores. Well, he figured if people respected his “employee,” because of a badge, then all the better. He chuckled to himself as he hung his safety vest on the hook by the exit. Visitors didn’t usually last long if they didn’t respect his human anyway. He was already out the door when Nipti finally realized what he’d just thought. His human? The door to the conservatory shut behind him as he stood there on the stone path. Since when was Marley his human? A fresh breeze blew fresh scents into Nipti’s face. He turned his head a bit to his left. Beyond the decorative shrubs and his shop, the various gardens, greenhouses, and lots spread out serenely. Somewhere out there was the human who had nearly crash-landed in one of his fields, helped themselves to dangerous fruits, and offered security service and a helping hand to an alien stranger in exchange for shelter and aid with their ship. What an odd creature. Nipti treasured his home. He loved his gardens and the peaceful solitude walking through them or working in them gave him. The more he expanded, the more attention they received, the more visitors came. Visitors who, unfortunately, brought a whole new set of troubles that overwhelmed Nipti. Between keeping sightseers in line, repairing damages incurred, maintaining inter- and intra-ecosystem balances between and within his gardens, finances, legalities, and general maintenance, his once peaceful haven had been shifting into a dark source of stress. Then Marley came.
At first, it seemed like having the human around would be an added thing to worry about. Now, as Nipti gazed at the ship that had brought them here, he realized he wasn’t sure if he really wanted the ugly piece of junk to get fixed. Afterall, that would mean Marley would leave. As much as he loved his privacy, he had found Marley’s presence comfortable and unimposing. What would it be like once they finally did leave? Where would they go or do? Would they be safe? Would they ever come back to visit? Or maybe even decide to stay? Nipti stared at the clouds on the horizon as the setting sun began painting them in soft, then vibrant colors. He should go and turn on the lights for the pathways before it got too dark to see, but he couldn’t seem to pull his eyes off the clouds and the way they bathed his gardens in their beautiful glow. Nor could he seem to pull his mind out of thoughts of his and Marley’s future. Finally, he shook his head and sighed. He’d been standing there staring so long that it was now almost completely dark. As he turned down the path, he began picking up his pace. The longer it took for him to get to electrical and open the control box, the more likely it would be that he wouldn’t be able to see the dang switch if it was right in his face. And then to add to it all, the faster he ran, the more his stomach decided to remind him that he hadn’t eaten much today. He’d snacked on a few tender shoots of bakt, and the first toom berry of the season he’d seen when he first got to the conservatory, but that had been hours ago. And bakt shoots and a single toom berry do not a meal make. He was about a third of the way to electrical when the pathway lights flickered on. Nipti slowed and paused. The ornate trellises through this part of the pathway were soon twinkling with strings of lights he’d painstakingly threaded through them. The brickwork he was standing on was lit up by small concealed path lights placed intermittently to light the way, along with a few luma-reactionary bricks in the path that glowed in response. It was beautiful. But he hadn’t turned them on. It must have been Marley. Good for them for taking the initiatory. Once again, it seemed having a human around was a fantastic benefit. Now just to get back home and figure out dinner. “Hey Nipti!” Nipti nearly jumped two lengths into the air. As he turned around, he saw Marley coming up the path behind him. “Marley?” Nipti’s head swiveled between the approaching human to the path in front of him towards electrical and back. “But? But how did-? Where are you coming from?” “My ship,” the human happily quipped and tossed him a small metal lump. Nipti caught it. It wasn’t just a lump, it was… well he wasn’t quite sure what it was. Some sort of ship part with two frayed wires sticking out of them. “Found the culprit behind why the starboard elevon kept jamming. Spent half the afternoon getting that dang thing out, and the other half getting its replacement installed.” Marley laughed and paused next to Nipti on the path. “I thought you were at the electrical shed.” “Why would I be there?” “The lights,” Nipti gestured around them. “I was on my way to turn them on and thought you did.” Marley looked down the path in the direction of the shed in question. “Oh, no. Yeah I forgot to tell you. I needed a break from the ship this morning and I’d noticed that a lot of your systems around here aren’t automated. So I started with the lighting. As soon as it gets dark, sensors will send a signal to the controls and turn the lights on for you.” Marley looked very satisfied with themself. “I have a part coming soon that will let you manually control the lights remotely from anywhere in the gardens, and give you system reports and power expenditures!” Nipti stared at them and blinked silently. They had what? Where had they gotten the parts from to do that? Had they used their own funds? That was supposed to be used on their own ship, and they used it to fix his lights? They didn’t need to do that. That was… that
was an unexpected kindness. Marley had become a huge part and help to his life, he didn’t realize that Marley might have, in turn, also felt close enough and friendly with him to feel like doing such a thoughtful, unasked thing for him. Nipti tried not to show how shocked he felt at the gesture, worried it might seem he was ungrateful to the human. “That’s amazing. Thank you.” Marley smiled rolled their shoulders. “No problem.” They started walking down the path together, Marley occasionally rolling or rubbing at their shoulders. “I had a pretty busy day. I think I’m going to need a lot of hot water tonight. My back is need of a good soak.” Niptii groaned internally. He wasn’t sure his house could heat enough water quickly enough for what Marley was talking about. Especially not if he himself wanted any hot water tonight. He voiced his worries, adding, “I know, I know, I need a better water heater, but the one I have is one I got thinking it was just going to be me using it, you know? Though if you do need the hot water all at once, we could probably supplement what my water heater can do with some buckets from the hot spring, though they’re a bit of a hike down to get to in the dark.” Marley paused. “You have hot springs and didn’t tell me?” Nipti frowned in confusion. “I assumed you knew. I have lots of springs around here. I use a few of them as water sources for the gardens farther away from the central canal and the west river.” “How hot are they?” “I believe the hottest one is around 320 degrees solaric.” Marley nodded and frowned. They seemed to be whispering something under their breath, but Nipti could only just barely make out bits like, “five over nine… round it up a little… carry the two… just to be safe…” Finally, Marley nodded, a huge smile on their face. “That sounds wonderful! Would you mind if I actually just went and soaked directly in the springs?” Nipti’s jaw nearly dropped. “Did you not hear me? I said they’re 320 degrees solaric. I know at this atmospheric pressure that’s not hot enough to boil, but it’s still hot enough to be dangerous!” “I’ll double-check my math when we get back, but if I’m right, I’ve been in hotter water back on Earth.” Nipti looked dubious. In the time Marley had been here, he’d learned a lot about humans and how hardy and adaptable they are, especially while living on a planet that seemed to be out to kill them, but this was too outlandish! Marley must have seen his expression in the dim light. “I’m serious! Humans seek out hot springs all the time. They turn bigger ones into resorts that people will travel and pay money to go to and soak in. You just have to be careful and not soak too long. You’re supposed to get out every 15 or 20 minutes or whatever so your body temperature can regulate itself back to normal. That’s why they don’t let kids in the hotter pools, they get too hot too quick, but I’m an adult and can handle it. I’d not only handle it, I’d really really like it. And I mean REALLY like it. I feel like my shoulders are made out of stone and my poor stiff neck is going to get squished by them and fall right off.” Nipti hummed. This still sounded crazy, but then again, going out of their way to nearly boiling themselves alive in hot water sounded like a very human thing to do. “I’ll show them to you when we get back. You tell me what you think then.” That seemed to do the trick to pacify them. Marley nodded with a huge smile, and the pair turned the last corner before reaching Nipti’s house. The lights were on here too. Across the clearing, Nipti could also see path way and decorative lights spreading out along other paths, or lighting up flower beds and vine-covered trellises. It looked good. Marley really outdid themselves today with getting the lights automatized on top of everything else they did for their ship. If anyone deserved a good soak, his human definitely did. As long as it did turn out to be safe, that is. Nipti paused a moment. He’d done it again- referred to Marley as his human. He didn’t
mean it in a possessive way, certainly, and he still didn’t know when or how exactly Marley had become ‘his human,’ but it seemed like it was something he had already subconsciously accepted. And, well, Nipti would certainly and happily take Marley as ‘his human’ for as long as he was able.
“Min,” the voice on the communicator crackled. “Min I know you can hear me! Where are you?” Min, who was tucked away comfortably in a quiet nook of the ship’s library, pulled his ears back tight against his skull. Maybe if he did so tight enough, he wouldn’t be able to hear the whiny voice coming from the comm device on his wrist. No such luck. “Min, you were supposed to get the lower deck cleaned up a quarter of a cycle ago. I just walked by and the remains of the send-off party are still everywhere. The floors are a mess and the recycling compactors are full to the brim! I know we don’t get new passengers until Moyrs 2, but we’re halfway through the Tamp System now and still have a lot to do! You’re supposed to be on duty, so where are you?!” Min sighed and rubbed the sleep from two of his eyes. The human sleeping next to him stirred at the commotion. Together they’d spent several decarrtiks to get the library back to order. The ship’s passengers on the last leg of their galactic tour had really done a number on the usually quiet haven of study. Actually, they’d done about the same to the entire ship - even a few corridors they weren’t supposed to have access to. Poor Human Zehireta had to scare a few nilta youth out of restricted access more than once during the sendoff celebration alone. They’d been little nightmares the whole trip, but tried to use the wild commotion of the party as cover for their shenanigans. Thankfully, humans seem to be really good at knowing when others are up to no good. The troublemakers didn’t stand a chance. Not when humans themselves are masters of those kinds of tactics. No matter how sneaky the entitled nilta brats were, or thought they were, their antics were thwarted time and time again by Zehireta or the other human on the crew, Cherise.
The grating voice piped up again, “Min, report in or I’m going to write you up!” Ugh. ‘No rest for the wary,’ or however the human phrase goes. “Charutt, I’m still in the library. Zehireta and I were told to start here before the zilt sludge could do any serious damage to the consoles or server bays. We’ve been at it for most of the cycle.” That last part was mostly true. It had taken them several grueling decartiks to get the biohazards contained and removed, then still deal with the general mess and dishevelment on top of that. Once they had gotten the library to an acceptable level of cleanliness, they’d decided they had earned a break. Or, rather, they desperately needed one and all but collapsed onto a few newly-laundered cushions in a study nook. It’d been a nice rest, but not nearly long enough. “You should have finished the library already. You need to get your tail to the lower deck, now!” A growl started deep in Min’s chest, but he cut it off quickly when the still-sleeping Zehireta stirred again. With an uncharacteristically pitiful squeaking sound, she shifted and dropped from her precarious sitting position to lie on her side in what must have been a more comfortable spot. Min froze. The human’s head and shoulders were now solidly planted on his legs. She exhaled loudly as if telling him to either wrap it up or keep it down or both, and then her breathing steadied again. “Charutt, I’ll get to it when I get to it.“ He growled in a hushed tone. "Have you ever cleaned up zilt sludge? When you’re around delicate circuitry, you can’t just hose it down with ferrox suds. It’s way more meticulous and extremely exhaustive.” “Be that as it may, we are behind schedule and you need to put a little more hustle in your-” “Half the crew quit the moment we made port on Junto,” Min tried to sound as forceful as he could while still managing to keep his voice low. “You’re lucky the rest of us had enough pity, didn’t have enough sense, or needed the money badly enough to stick around to make sure this ship got put back in order before the next passenger pickup.” Min had thought of leaving too, after the exasperating trip to Junto, he knew things would be bad but decided to stay aboard as crew. He’d second-guessed himself on that decision a few times once he finally understood the full extent of the disaster the previous passengers had left. “We may be understaffed, but that just means I need everyone to pull their weight even mo-” “If you don’t want me to quit once we get to Moyrs 2, you’ll rethink how you’re going to finish that sentence.” After a tense pause, Min also added, “If I go, you know the other half of the crew will go too. Including the humans.” Min knew that would seal it. Humans were high in-demand hires for the cruise and cargo industry. Not only did the knowledge of their presence deter space pirates and marauders, but they also helped keep unruly passengers in line. As bad as the last group had been, it would have been a lot worse without Zehireta and Cherise. There’d been more humans before, but they’d been transferred to other ships or had found other employment. Still, two humans were far better than no humans, and it would be hard to try to hire more on Moyrs 2. Humans that traveled out that way were usually already on a job or had hundreds of competing offers to choose from. “Just…” Charutt sighed, “just get to it as soon as you can.” Knowing he had won, and wanting to bask in the victory for just a moment longer, Min looked down at the now snoring human head in his lap and hit the talk trigger one more time. “I’d love to, but I have a sleeping human on me, and you know how it is. Can’t move now.” He flicked his ears with a grin, “but I’ll get to the lower deck as soon as I can.” It was a dumb joke, he knew. And under normal circumstances, he’d never pull a stunt like this, but it was too perfect. Charutt can’t afford to fire him right now. And he was genuinely exhausted. Plus, everyone knows you shouldn’t wake up a sleeping human. For one thing, it was not good to have a grumpy, tired human mad at you
for bothering them, and another thing, they just looked so peaceful when they slept. It nearly felt like a crime to disturb them. Min quickly switched off his comm device. Again, he normally wouldn’t dare do so, but he was done with Charutt, and didn’t need to have him wake up Zehireta. The only other people with the authorization to make comm calls without needing call acceptance were the security manager and the ship’s captain. They’d be otherwise preoccupied at the moment, and not even Charutt would dare “waste their time” to try to tattle on him right now. With a deep, satisfied sigh, Min rested his head against the wall of the nook. He knew he did, in fact, need to move on and get the lower deck cleaned. And he would. He took his job seriously, even if he was just a simple crew member of a mid-level galactic cruise ship. But right now, he could take a few more moortiks. Besides, what he told Charutt was true, he had a human asleep on him. He would likely be stuck here for a bit.
