#vulnerable

Toronto on Twitter

Toronto on Twitter

Toronto on Twitter

Toronto on Twitter

Oracle- Leslie Ann O'Dell

Tengo una tolerancia mínima cuando hablan de mi así que piénsalo pues un día tu estarás en una posición vulnerable y yo escondido entre las sombras.

D. M.

goodnightra:

Lovely view of a MILF.

I always struggle with myself and who I am. I have a hard time dealing with things like imposter’s syndrome and anxiety. I overthink and tend to care very much about what other’s think of me. It often breaks me and then I become filled with stubbornness and anger. I shut down and refuse to continue on in my life and I realize that this ends up hurting me more in the long run. It hurts me to constantly make myself small because I am so afraid of being told all of the things that were told to me in my childhood; that I am so unworthy of any kind of platform or voice. ⁣⁣

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I try to be proud of how far I have come in my life (personal and writing) and be happy but it’s so hard. I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself; constantly convincing myself that I am worthy of love and this art that I sometimes hate with all of my heart but words keep saving me. Words keep bringing me back out of myself and showing me the way to my own happiness. At the end of everyday of my life, after I’ve done everything I can to pull my happiness from others I find myself disappointed until I release here. In this way. In this form. This is the only way I know . ⁣⁣

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’ but I wanted to share this and say, I truly appreciate everyone who sticks around and reads my work and shows me love and appreciation. It’s amazing how much I have grown just by joining this amazing, insane, random, beautiful community. This is literally the first time I’ve written in maybe a month? and it turns out I had two pieces inside of me so here you go! I haven’t ever done one of these before here but it’s a poem within a poem… You can read it on the first slide or you can swipe and read on the next slide (separately). ⁣⁣

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Thank you again for following/liking/sharing/commenting. I truly appreciate all you ⁣⁣

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ReBecca DeFazio⁣⁣

More Than a Flower

I need you doesn’t seem

powerful enough even when I

speak it out loud. You don’t

feel the urgency in my texts

either; saying, “I know, baby but

I’m here, okay?” I can’t seem to

get myself out of the loop; the

worst of me placed on repeat in

my mind so I cry. When you hold me

I feel good inside until it’s time for

you to roll over and close your eyes…

I sleep in your clothes to try to keep

myself from believing that you don’t

love me. The smell of you surrounding me,

helping me fall asleep but even in my

dreams, the demons speak. "He never

loved you.” "They’ll always leave.”

I wake up and you’re there but I can’t

feel you. I don’t feel the love you hold

for me; numbness spreads over me and

I feel the lies penetrating. You look at me

worried and I smile through the pain;

“Don’t look insane. He’s done nothing

to make you feel this way.” You kiss me

and it silences my brain for just a little…

I find myself distracted; laughing until

I’m alone and the inward reflections are

nothing but hate speech and degradation.

When I cry you ask me why and all I can

say is, “It’s so scary inside my brain.”

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I haven’t felt like being vulnerable, like sharing, or being raw for a while now because I’m exhausted. I have had so much time during this quarantine/lockdown to sit with myself and it’s been hard for me. I have realized that I haven’t healed as much as I thought I had… That I have a lot of bad habits, 0 coping skills, codependency/abandonment/trust issues, self-esteem issues, etc, etc… I started therapy again to try and deal with my issues and maybe find some solace. I always come back to this search for solace… I’m not sure if I’ll find it anytime soon but at least I’m writing again (here and there…)

So, anyways… Here’s a poem. I hope to talk more about this shit in the future because this space has always been a place where I felt like I could share, where I could possibly help someone feel less alone and maybe more understood… Mental health is so hard; it’s so different for everyone… As is the path to finding healing and peace… I hope that you know that if you struggle with feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, shame, guilt, intrusive thoughts… Whatever… You’re not alone and we’re gonna be okay eventually. We just have to keep fighting… Keep trying. You are loved even if you can’t feel it right now.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than A Flower