Reminded with the cookies earlier, I do sort of get the idea that he’s been trying even more to help feed me up lately. Not just because I have thankfully been more consistently able to physically handle a bigger variety of foods for a while, and he does really enjoy both cooking and bringing me interesting items he’s spotted. Especially since we are in his country now, and there are so many new and intriguing things that I hadn’t been able to try earlier.
But yeah, I did also realize a little while back that all the constant ED-triggering shit going on had kinda gotten to me, and have so far managed to pull myself back out of a bit of a relapse. *fingers crossed* Pretty sure the escalating obvious screwiness kinda scared the crap out of him too.
At least I did finally snap to, and managed to pull out of the worst of the squirrely behavior that had crept in. Realizing full well that it was pretty messed up, and liable to turn entirely new levels of life-threatening these days. Still not entirely comfortable with it, of course–but, I did stop with all the tracking and measuring that was always dangerous as hell for my personal brainweasels to get focused on.
And, guess wha Wild-ass guesstimation of carb amounts, and the appropriate insulin to cover them, has been giving absolutely no worse results on that side of things so far. And dealing with higher blood sugar levels for a while is so much less likely to seriously hurt or kill me anyway. The endless justifications those brainweasels can seize onto, though.
But yeah, in the meantime? I’ve been getting a pretty steady stream of scary shit like cookies, and other energy (including carbohydrate!) rich items presented to me. And have been eating probably relieving amounts of most of it.
The the usual analogy to a lot of people’s experiences with substance abuse issues really is unfortunately apt, in a lot of ways: always seeming to be in active recovery, and this garbage can so easily take advantage of any excuse creep back in to bite you in the ass again at any time. Certain fucked-up coping mechanisms may well just be something you’ll always need to be watching for, at the back of your mind. (As little as I can relate to some of the other 12-steppy type comparisons and models which do seem useful for some folks.)
I was thankfully already doing better by then for a few weeks, but it was still an extra-sobering moment when that new gastroenterologist at the last appointment was all like, “OMG, are you sure you’re getting enough to eat?! Because it sure doesn’t look that way, jfc!”
Because yeah, that kind of reaction is also kinda new for me–even since I have indeed been experiencing recognized physical issues with getting anything like proper nutrition in on a regular basis.
(And yeah, I don’t exactly feel like I can/SHOULD even start discussing the further complications there. Rather stay out of the good old Just Batshit Crazy category if I can at all, thank you very much. )
Reminded with the cookies earlier, I do sort of get the idea that he’s been trying even more to help feed me up lately. Not just because I have thankfully been more consistently able to physically handle a bigger variety of foods for a while, and he does really enjoy both cooking and bringing me interesting items he’s spotted. Especially since we are in his country now, and there are so many new and intriguing things that I hadn’t been able to try earlier.
But yeah, I did also realize a little while back that all the constant ED-triggering shit going on had kinda gotten to me, and have so far managed to pull myself back out of a bit of a relapse. *fingers crossed* Pretty sure the escalating obvious screwiness kinda scared the crap out of him too.
At least I did finally snap to, and managed to pull out of the worst of the squirrely behavior that had crept in. Realizing full well that it was pretty messed up, and liable to turn entirely new levels of life-threatening these days. Still not entirely comfortable with it, of course–but, I did stop with all the tracking and measuring that was always dangerous as hell for my personal brainweasels to get focused on.
And, guess wha Wild-ass guesstimation of carb amounts, and the appropriate insulin to cover them, has been giving absolutely no worse results on that side of things so far. And dealing with higher blood sugar levels for a while is so much less likely to seriously hurt or kill me anyway. The endless justifications those brainweasels can seize onto, though.
But yeah, in the meantime? I’ve been getting a pretty steady stream of scary shit like cookies, and other energy (including carbohydrate!) rich items presented to me. And have been eating probably relieving amounts of most of it.
The the usual analogy to a lot of people’s experiences with substance abuse issues really is unfortunately apt, in a lot of ways: always seeming to be in active recovery, and this garbage can so easily take advantage of any excuse creep back in to bite you in the ass again at any time. Certain fucked-up coping mechanisms may well just be something you’ll always need to be watching for, at the back of your mind. (As little as I can relate to some of the other 12-steppy type comparisons and models which do seem useful for some folks.)
sometimes i think about how when yuri on ice was airing i tried to watch it but was so hurt by the fatphobia in the first couple episode i couldn’t finish it. then afterwards i couldn’t find a single person talking about it on tumblr to the point that i convinced myself i’d simply watched the wrong anime
These tags are so good, you’re absolutely right about everything.
Also, what fucking post about a fat person sitting on a folding chair? I’m going to kill someone.
one of the best lessons i’ve ever received was given to me when i went to acting camp in fifth grade.
every kid in the camp would perform a monologue. and after each person went, the camp leaders called on us. and we would have to say something we liked and didn’t like about their performance.
the thing way, one teacher instructed us to replace the “but” with an “and.” so rather than saying, “i liked how you pronounced the words but you were too quiet,” she would make us say, “i like how you pronounced the words and you were too quiet.”
and you don’t realize how much one word can change a whole mindset.
my teacher told us to do this as it was teaching us good and bad can exist at the same time. you can be good in one area in bad in another at the same time.
and that’s something i’ve tried to apply throughout my life. always remembering to replace that but with an and.
“i had a good day and i have depression”
“i went through something really hard and others have gone through things harder than me.”
“it’s super hard for me to eat full meals and i’m going to eat a full meal.”
“i ate a full meal today and i still have an eating disorder.”
“i’m sad and others around me are happy”
it’s something you can always apply to validate your feelings without making it an all or nothing. you can experience a negative and a positive at the same time. it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. replace your but with an and.
