“And I hope that the love you’re searching for feels like the first ray of sun hitting your face.”

- g.d (the sun)

We speak without words
And breath without air
Our hearts compose without beats
And we shine without glare.

The earth seems silent
whenever we are together
The loudest of silences
Forever and never

r.t.

Looking for all the right answers
in all the wrong places.
Looking to find myself
in everybody else’s faces.
Can’t keep praying
for what I swear I don’t need.
Can’t keep trying to understand
a book I won’t read.
I expect others to see value
in a place I never do.
I expect my plans to succeed
though I don’t think them through.
Obsessive.
Compulsive.
Right in all the wrong ways.
Seems like I’ll be stuck here choking on self-hatred
till somebody stays.

r.t.

“I didn’t know it then, but that would be the last time I ever saw her. In retrospect, there are a lot of things I would have done differently, but I know it doesn’t matter now. I don’t think it would have mattered then, either. We were always destined to fall apart.”

-excerpt from a book i will never write c.r.

‘Inside I am all hollow, winding—

how I imagine a turned-out seashell—

and in the very centre there lives a china woman,

gathering water from my inner well.’

'break,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1280

‘guilt is a flower; it takes root, tangling

down the spine and round the lungs—

it waits, snake-like, for its chance to blossom;

today, it is done.’

'guilt,’- Megan’s Poetry #1279

‘I was born into a thorn-bush;

now, as if I were the one to fall,

I must find the thorns lodged in my breast

and remove them, one and all.’

'the thorn-bush,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1278

‘strip the fruit, but do not tear the branches;

leave me my roots—

I will flower again.’

'in time,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1277

‘replace the puppet strings with ribbons,

tie them in a little bow—

now you can yank as you like

and she will never know!’

'puppetry,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1276

‘I ​see her in my mind’s eye, that sweat-soft starlet. ringlets clinging to her swan neck,

dark hair bleached gold

beneath the soft glow of the morning Sun—

lips stained purple, dress bruised red.’

'life of the party,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1275

‘is love winged bliss, or steady ground?—

maybe not;

but, I know, it is not so

an unstable path as this.’

'falling,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1274

‘I am proud to have practiced loving;

I am proud to know you to your bones—

I am proud to know which tendons to pull

and which to leave alone.’

'to be known,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1273

‘I know not; I kneel still;

surely there is direction

in a pleading posture’s lines?’

'ayin,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1272

‘I am pursued by a formless being:

it gives constant chase, so I live fleeing—

first plucking the Sun, as I might fruit to eat,

it strides across the sky with a hunter’s feet;

its Brobdingnagian limbs now cross the land,

where it catches the moon in one clawed hand—’

'time,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1271

‘I cry the tears you claw from me now

with knowledge that they are my pre-emptive mourning;

my eyes, you say, cannot see—

but at least I am not blind to where our story is going.’

'pre-emptive mourning,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1270

‘we stand here in this wreckage—

scraps of plaster, shards of china, four walls echoing

with rage, and imprinted

with fists, torn as you stand there and tell me

that the dropped tears upon the floor

prove that I am too emotional.’

'anger, the non-emotion,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1269

‘love, meat-like, only serves to make us sick in the rawness of it—

tame your feeling; for I will not stand to be bowled by the strength of it.’

'love, meat-like,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1268

‘and I’d sever my right hand

to have you kiss the left—

I’d burn in flames

if I thought you’d love the ashes.’

'unloved,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1264

F I R S T

Before we started our relationship

I remember you said

People always left before you

I wonder how it feels

To be the first to leave this time

-Mila Ocean

I miss your handwriting. Is that weird? That I miss the way you wrote my name and the slanted and angular way you wrote the words that both stole and broke my heart.

Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #202

I consider her my first child. The first one that I sacrificed for, cooked meals for, explained homework to, watched out for. I mourned her when she left for college, proud and strangely sad. I took her crying phone calls when classes were hard. I comforted her, protected her, encouraged her and when others told me this wasn’t how it was supposed to be I ignored them. They didn’t know. Who else was going to be her mother? She’s grown now, we both are, and she has kids of her own. She does the things I did with her, the things our mother didn’t. She bakes Christmas cookies, goes camping, travels, and she cooks them meals, explains their homework and protects them.

I consider her my first child and I am proud as hell of how we both turned out.

There is a certain point when hi means I love you. I miss you. Say something. I don’t know what to say. We are broken and battle scarred. I don’t know what I’m doing in life. There is a certain point when hi means more than hello.

Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #200

We still say I love you, like it means something. Like the words are strings that keep us tied together. I’m unsure if we mean them anymore but we say them, out of habit and a little out of fear of what it would mean if we stopped saying them. Somedays, I love you, and others I don’t think I do, but no matter which day it is we both still say I love you.

Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #196

the weight of my great grandmother’s burden perches itself on my chest and blows insecurities onto my chin.

it resembles the weight of the sky on my shoulders; the eyes of everyone i’ve loved staring at me with something akin to disappointment.

the generational curses drowning me; they all want me to be perfect.

mirrors show my skin is blue, devoid of my scarlet dreams. my desires have become a river of longing; i drown every day.

they sent me to the bottom of the ocean with the stones they have sewn into the pockets of my coat long before i was even born - they say that’s how you learn to swim, little one; you just have to be too afraid to drown.

- generational trauma of women

I will always choose you, in every lifetime, but you won’t even choose me in one. And I know I cannot love you into loving me.

„I hope there are days when your coffee tastes like magic, your playlist makes you dance, strangers make you smile, and the night sky touches your soul. I hope you fall in love with being alive again”

„There’s too many things inside my head. It leads me to the point where I question it all. Everything. Is that pain worth it. I can see the hope though. I hope that one day, these thoughts will be gone and I can finally smell the happiness, touch it and hear it. That hope keeps me going. The only thing that left.”

— healerorkiller

“A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. But a wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid the mistake altogether”

— Roy H. Williams

You don’t know how hard I try and how much I care. I am passionate. I give all I have. I am sorry that you can’t see that. One day someone’s going to appreciate.

“Slow down, breathe, look up. You’re doing fine, You’re alive and stars still shine. Be grateful for having a bed to sleep, food to eat, for the opportunity to study. Read the book you have read 5 times before. Sing as loud as you can. Run fast, love hard. Life’s a blessing. Appreciate it now because nothing lasts forever.”

— healerorkiller

Some things are better left unsaid. Some paths are better not crossed.

Laughing-

It comes easily with you.

It’s the kind of laugh

That brings a smile to my face

Hours later.

-b.m.

I hope my name burns your throat,

and I hope you have to say it often.

-b.m.

I’m tired of explaining why I act in the ways I do, or why my heart beats in the way that it does. How are we able to open up the depths of our souls to people and then one day eventually move on and forget them forever? As if we were two strangers in the world who’d forever keep each other’s deepest secrets?

What a silly thought

to think that the point of a relationship

is to be forever.

I have had forevers last six months

and forevers last two years

and still they run through my veins

as lessons

as experiences

as growth.

Never minimize a relationship as a failure

just because it has completed its’ course

— The Kissing Booth 2

and we are all

just fighting

to survive a world

where

i miss you

doesn’t mean

i’m coming back

and

i love you

doesn’t mean

i’ll stay

— Chloë Frayne, Letters And Why They’re All For You

sometimes

you”ll never know the

value of a moment

until it becomes

a memory

maybe it isn’t just about me being with you.

that’s not what i really fear.

what i really fear is that,

you’ll leave me without telling me.

and that you’ll stop loving me,

and not let me know.

that you’ll love another girl,

and not let me know.

— please let me know.