A/N: Ahhh!! Last chapter before season 4, enjoy the fluff!
Warning- Sweet, heart melting FLUFF!!, light swearing, LONG CHAPTER! NSFW, dirty talk SMUT (it’s just a part. Not too long so for those of you who don’t like reading that stuff don’t worry, it’s towards the end, and regardless, I’llcolor the first word from where it starts, and then ends!)
Pairing- Jean Kirstein x reader
(Let me know if you want to be tagged)
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*YEAR 853*
A deep breath of air unfurls from your lungs and slowly and calmly escapes past your lips. The sand beneath your feet picks up, creating a thin sand cloud that drags back with a swift shift of your foot.
The air surrounding you is thick with anticipation, over exaggerated fear and excitement. The beating of your heart is fueled with adrenaline with no hint of fear lacing through your veins. That was a dangerous thing.
Sun beams reflect off your blade, bouncing off the metal with each twirl. When the spinning stops, on one side the ocean waves are mirrored on the shiny metal, whilst the other side captures every curve of your body as you slowly lift it, stopping the moment it’s just your cocky smirk captured on the tip of the blade.
As you take a second to register your surroundings, you capture Jean with his breath held over the use of real blades, Sasha and Connie with amused grins on their features, and Armin watching through the gaps between his fingers. Until finally you take in your cousin Mikasa shifting her fighting stance before you.
“You know,” Mikasa quips with her hand gripping her metal blade. “I like how confident you’ve become in yourself.” The corner of her lips twitch. “I think you might even beat me. For the first time.”
The air at the sea now had a distinguishable smell. Whereas when you first arrived the smell was unknown and foreign. Now you came to recognize that it was the smell of salt from the blue body of water.
Each time the breeze blew, one could taste the salt in the breeze. It was welcoming, different and appealing. After returning to Trost for a short week, you were suddenly aware of the difference between the thick, polluted city smell and the light fresh smell of the sea. After returning to the camp, you also recognized that missing the city was ridiculous. Especially after how the painted night sky looked from the sand you sat on.
The sky was littered with more stars than you could ever imagine existed, their light shone brighter than that compared to the drowned out starlight that shone over the city. From the grainy sand you could see a string of thousands of stars lined down the night sky almost daily. It looked like someone had used a paintbrush and painted a singular thick stroke of milky white stars across the dark sky. Yet none of it compared to how each phase of the moon, and each twinkling star looked mirrored on the water’s surface.
The first time you witnessed the view, you were utterly breath taken by the beauty. You actually reached for the water to feel if in some possible way the stars floated down to dance on the water’s surface. But no. When your fingers met the water, the ripple disrupted the view. Regardless though, now you made it part of your nightly routine to admire the reflection from the cold sand when the stars did shine. Albeit it was easy getting entranced by the moment. Making you unaware of anything that could go on around you. Like now.
“Why did you leave the bonfire?” Jean’s voice broke the silence, his sudden presence startling you out of your stupor.
↪ content; canon universe, description of violence, season 4, reincarnation!au, heavy angst
“Will you marry me?”
You stopped putting up the blade on the scabbard when you heard the question from behind you. At this messed up moment, you never expected someone to make such a crucial proposition, not when in a few minutes from now you were ready to board the flying boat, ready to put your life on the line to save the world.
The question echoed at the back of your mind, and you were still debating whether it was a good thing to turn around and acknowledge the marriage proposal you received or just shrugged it off. You were not in a situation to think about something as petty as love, not when one of you probably couldn’t make it out alive from this cruel war.
If the two of you were strolling around Trost like what you used to, you would not hesitate to face him. You could imagine yourself with your eyes shining under the bright sunlight, asking what he meant whether he was being serious or just wanted to tease you. And you knew, you would know the answer to his question.
“Don’t joke around at a time like this, Jean.”
But the circumstance you were in right now did not help you to let out the word that you wanted to say. There was no time to be a lovesick woman, there was no time to think about a future that was out of your reach. The thing that you needed to be focused on was for you to give everything you had to fight the founding titan.
You really hoped that he would drop the question and just let you go, because you knew your heart too well, and saying no to him was something that had been a struggle for you ever since the two of you were just stupid brats in the Cadet Corps.
“You know I will never joke about something as important as this.”
No air could fill your lungs at this point, and you felt your legs wobble slightly from the earnest tone that he used. “Hey, just listen to me, okay? Turn around, face me at least if you want to say no. Rejection is something that I have been through my whole life anyway.”
That was it. That was probably the reason you didn’t want to face him. You knew. You were there. Your eyes caught everything for the past years ever since you knew him, and you swore from the bottom of your heart that you would do anything if only he could look at you like how he saw the beautiful, multi-talented ravenette that now was chatting with Armin.
He was not serious with the question, probably he was, but he would never be serious when it came to his own feelings. Him loving you? That was probably the stupidest, deceitful, delusional thing that ever crossed your mind. And you knew the reason why he threw that question at you instead of her.
Because as for now, she only had eyes on someone else, the same person that was trying to commit worldwide genocide, excluding Paradis, the same person that everyone was trying to take down with their blades and guns.
“Why do you want to marry me in the first place, Jean?” You tried as hard as you could not to let your voice waver, still not facing him as you didn’t want to show how pitiful you looked right now. “You would never want to marry me. We fight now and then, we bicker all the time—”
“Because you are the one who knows me best, that’s why.” He cut you off, perhaps still blinded by his own selfishness at this point. You should have known that he would never drop this off so easily, and you could only grit your teeth, not wanting to lash out. “You know me so well, no one else could understand me as much as you do. So please, I-I will love you—”
“Can you even promise that you are going to love me?” You swallowed a huge lump, waiting for his response to such a simple question. Something that never came for the next few seconds. “See, Jean?” Then you turned around, locking your gaze with his as you saw how his pupils widened, probably because he finally saw the tears that streamed down your face. “You couldn’t even promise that you are going to love me back.”
You felt so dumb right now, hands shaking from the feelings that you always buried deep inside your heart. All these years, you always knew your place, you knew you could never be as perfect as the woman that he loved. Yet he just needed to bring it up, to ask something that you wanted nothing but to answer with an excited yes.
If only you didn’t know, if only you could blind yourself from the truth — you would have run to him right now, wrapping your arms around his neck and smashing your lips against his. Something that consistently appeared in your mind with how much you wanted to know how he tasted.
But that was the thing you could never do. You watched on the sideline for the seven years you had known him, knowing how in love he was. Everything was imprinted in your mind, so you knew you could never act like you didn’t notice that he would be ready to give his own life just to save her.
He was standing still from his place, lips parted even though there were no words that rolled down his tongue. You couldn’t blame him, even though he could be such a selfish jerk sometimes, he was someone that would never want to hurt his comrades. Especially not to someone like you who was always there for him through thick and thin.
There were a few pairs of eyes that turned to look at you two, possibly debating if they should intervene or just let everything happen as it was. You knew they were probably only getting worried that there would be a huge fight that could lead to nothing but regret in later days, even so, you didn’t like the non-existent privacy that you had then.
Inhaling the air through your nose, making the salty scent of the ocean tickle your nostrils, you decided to be the one who just let it go. It didn’t matter anyway, no matter how many things you wanted to tell him, there was no alternative future where Jean Kirstein was in love with you.
Therefore, with a heavy heart, you walked past him, leaving him to contemplate alone about his own feelings. He didn’t call out to you, not trying to stop you from walking away, so you knew that he probably understood by now that asking you to marry him was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life.
Although you wished, you really wished in your wildest dream that perhaps someday, you could hear him ask the exact same question to you.
Using an intonation filled with certainty, with his whole heart loving every part of your being.
Your fingertips trailing the white silk napery that was draped neatly on top of a round, wooden table. A smile etched on your face since you knew today would be perfect. Everything was in place, and you couldn’t feel better knowing that the weather was excellent at the moment.
White dress wrapped around your figure, and you felt so beautiful and confident wearing it. Leaving the table where the tall wedding cake was placed before, you sauntered through the venue to greet each guest that you met along the way, with the same smile that never wavered as they congratulated you for today.
You didn’t realise how a pair of molten copper eyes looking at you with pride glinting inside his orbs, praising you internally as he felt so blessed that you were here. From the very first start he met you, he knew there was something about your existence that made him want nothing but to keep you in his life.
He recalled how he bumped into you a few years back in a bookstore, and even though you were ready to slip away from him after muttering a small apology, he couldn’t help himself but grip your wrist, telling you to wait.
And despite the embarrassment that took him from gripping a stranger’s wrist, he thanked himself for not letting you go that easily.
Because now, you had become such an important person in his life, someone that he would always cherish no matter what.
“Is everything ready?”
You flinched when you felt someone’s breath on your ear, making you yelp since you were just done greeting another guest that asked you where to sit.
“Jean!” Turning your head to face him, you whispered-shout at his face before punching his chest lightly, an action that elicited a low chuckle coming from his lips. “What are you doing here? Goodness! The groom shouldn’t wander around the venue like this, you know?”
Your pout always looked so adorable, and that was one of the reasons why he always loved to tease you. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t have a single day pass without trying to mess with your head. And despite how annoying he could be, you always stayed and gave him your attention.
“You are not supposed to be here either.” He gently flicked your chin, and he let out another chuckle when you hissed from his action.
“Fuck it, Jean. At this point, I ask myself what the meaning of my existence in your life actually is.” You scoffed, rolling your eyes in a mocking tone as you folded your arms in front of your chest. “You always tease me! Why do you even want me here in the first place? I would end up to be—”
“Because you are the one who knows me best, that’s why.”
He swore he could see your pupils dilated slightly from his words, and it made him stop laughing at you, since he saw that emotion inside your eyes all over again. You were always like this sometimes, to suddenly stop talking, stop responding to anything for a few seconds as if your whole life was fleeting through your mind.
But then it was back to normal, and the emotionless facade that you had before now slowly filled with another expression.
“Is that supposed to be a compliment, Jean Kirstein?”
Though somehow, he could sense something from the way you called his name just now. Something that he didn’t know what it was, but it made him scared and oddly nostalgic at the same time.
“Well, it's—”
“Jean! It’s the time!”
A gentle, familiar voice called out to him. And the atmosphere that was built nicely around the two of you suddenly vanished into the thin air. Both of you turned to the source of the voice, finding the beautiful ravenette woman waving in your direction. “Connie is waiting for you in the dressing room!”
“I’ll be there soon, love!”
He waved back, though he didn’t move his feet even until the woman walked away from the scene. Today was his wedding day, and he was supposed to be so thrilled and felt all of the excitement in his heart. In a few minutes from now, the love of his life, his first love and dream girl would be his wife, but at the moment, he didn’t want to leave you alone just yet.
“So, where are—”
“Nevermind, Jean. She called.” You took a few steps backwards, giving him and you a proper gap. But his face never left you as somehow he felt something that rooted him to his place. “Jean, your bride called.” Snapping two fingers in front of his face, he finally could regain himself, and a small nervous chuckle slipped from his lips when he realised that he was daydreaming before.
“Yeah, yeah. My bride, yes.” He cleared his throat, averting your gaze completely since somehow he could not take a look at you. When you saw this, you raised one of your eyebrows, wondering why he stayed here when his bride already called him to prepare himself and wear the wedding suit.
“Don’t tell me you had wedding jitters, Jean.”
“H-Huh? Why would I? Mikasa is perfect, and—”
“And you were always meant to be with her, I know.” You chuckled a little, though it didn’t sound as sincere as usual, but he shrugged it off. “You always told me about it, that you have met her before, perhaps in your previous life, right?” He nodded at that, letting out a long sigh as he swept his hair to the back. “So what’s on your mind? Why are you still standing here with me? You are so close to marrying her again, Jean.”
“I promise, I promise I will find you one day.”
A flicker of memory appeared out of nowhere, something that usually happened only when his fiancée was around. But these days as you helped him plan his wedding day and became his wedding organiser, another part of an unknown memory appeared in his mind, little by little without any concrete context.
And it stressed him out more than anything, because he was afraid that he took a wrong path, or not knowing something that he should have remembered.
“I-I just feel like I have a promise to someone else, I guess.” He swallowed a huge lump, averting his gaze to the side, making him miss the way your eyes watered slightly. “And that someone else, that someone else is you! But I can’t remember what it was, I don’t know—”
“Jean.” You stopped him, resting your palm on his chest as you didn’t want to hear anything else from him. His copper eyes went back towards your face with pupils dilated slightly, wanting to calm himself down. “You don’t have to think about it.” But he didn’t need to try, not with you gazing at him with such tenderness and care that gave him contentment already.
Panting a little, he bit his upper lip since he was still stressed. He really wanted to know what it was, the promise that he made with you and why he said such a thing. There were no other sentences, he could only hear himself saying that to you in his past life, but he didn’t know the reason behind it, making him so anxious.
Though now, you were standing tall before him with a look that he couldn’t quite fathom despite how comforting it was to him. “You know I never remember anything from my past, Jean. Perhaps you promised something because we are friends, whatever it was though, it doesn’t matter.” He didn’t know anymore if you were trying to reassure him or yourself, but he listened to your words and took it all in. “It was nothing, okay? What matters is here, now. In this life where you love her again.”
His fingers gently wrapped around your wrist, subconsciously caressing it as he processed your words. He was a little bit of a hypocrite when he realised that. No matter how many times he didn’t want to get so hung up over the same woman that he loved in his past life, he ended up to be a hopeless romantic, thinking how beautiful it was to recreate something that happened once.
“Yeah, you are right.” He chuckled to let out the awkwardness that he felt before ruffling your hair a little. “You are always right. I am glad you are here in my life.”
Your smile only widened at that, and you couldn’t help but lean in and pressed a platonic kiss on his cheek. You didn’t realise how his body went frozen in place for a moment there, but as you pulled away, he already fixed himself and just gave you a cheeky smile, as if to tease him.
“Now go, go dress yourself to the nines.” You patted his chest one more time before pushing him forward. “Go! You are going to be the happiest man alive!” And he ambled away. Even though a bit unsteady, he kept on going, now with a more stable emotion.
For sure, there was nothing else that he should be worried about. You were here, you would always be here for him, the best friend that never left his side, just like Connie, Marco and Sasha. And he knew you were always right. Anything that happened in his past life didn’t matter.
What mattered was what happened here, now, and that was for him to be the husband of someone he had been in love with for the past few years.
You could only watch his back as he ran to a secured future that he always dreamed of. Standing there alone, you waited until he was gone from your sight, wanting to be there in case he would look back and needing some assurance.
But the second he was gone inside the building, you immediately darted towards the nearest bathroom.
There were a lot of things that happened in your mind right now; you wanted to throw up from the nausea that you felt, you wanted to cry from the lie you had committed to ever since you met him, you wanted to just move to another state and forget that you had a life here.
Although you knew it was not possible, not when your days had been filled with his existence, and even though you would always be the best friend in whatever life you had — you knew you could never erase himself completely.
Locking the bathroom’s door, you immediately collapsed on the seat that was placed in the middle of the room, wanting to calm down as you finally felt your heart break into a million little pieces. After years swallowing down the truth, after years you hid what you knew, the dam broke freely with no one there to fix it.
“Shit! Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me too.” You couldn’t feel anything as your body felt so numb, eyes looking up to the skies that were so clear you couldn’t see any clouds on it. “Hey, hey, look at me.” But then someone tilted your head so you could face him, and you were met with the familiar copper orbs that you always loved to stare at.
It was Jean, your best friend ever since the two of you were in the Cadet Corps. You despised his cocky attitude at first, not liking how he was so hostile toward others. Yet as time went by and you started to get to know him better, he was actually a lot more human than any other person you ever met.
You could feel his finger tucking the strands of hair behind your ear, as if wanting to see you more clearly. At first you were so lost, you didn’t know what happened right now and you wanted nothing but to ask him. But as you felt the excruciating pain at your abdomen, everything replayed at the back of your head.
One of the titan ancestors bit you, hard, and you were pretty sure you would have fallen by now, perhaps crushed underneath the colossal titans who’s currently splat everything in their way. Instead, you were here now in the arms of the man that you loved so much, and you parted your lips, wanting to tell him the words that you wanted to say.
You wanted to do it all. You wanted to scream at him that you have always been in love with him, you wanted to pull his collars and smash your lips with his, you wanted to stay alive and see the world with him and the others.
“Y-Yes.”
But from all the things that you wanted to do, you could only utter that one word, and you hoped he understood the meaning behind it. However, from how his irises widened after that, you were certain that he knew. Tears welled up in his eyes, and for once he didn’t care if he could be killed during this time for wanting to stay by your side at the last minute of your life.
“Listen to me, don’t say anything, just listen to me.” He swallowed a huge lump and held your hand, squeezing it tight since he wanted you to feel that you were not alone. “I am going to find you, in another life, I will. We are going to meet up, fall in love, get married to each other, have kids if you want that, anything you want! Anything, anything you want me to.”
Jean said it all in one take of breath, afraid that you were already gone by now. “I promise, I promise I will find you one day.” And his lips shaped into a thin smile as he saw your peaceful face. “We will be happy by then.” Whispering one last time before hurriedly pressing his lips on yours, giving you the warmth that you always wanted to taste.
You clapped your hands as you stood up from your seat, wearing the best smile that you could offer as you watched him leaning down to kiss her, to kiss the same woman that was fated to be loved by someone as wonderful as him.
Truthfully, you felt like a masochist for wanting to be here. There were a lot of good wedding organisers out there, but he decided to call you, using the same sentence that he chose you because he knew you would never disappoint — that you were the one who knew him best.
He looked so majestic with the white wedding suit wrapped perfectly to compliment his tall figure. You didn’t count how many times you wanted to break down seeing him in white like this, not when you already promised to yourself that you were going to do anything to make him the happiest man alive.
The smile that now radiated from his face, the tears that pricked at the corner of his eyes as he looked at the guest, it was enough sign that you did the right thing.
Even in this life, you knew that he was meant to be with her. When you received tons of miss calls from him a few months after the two of you had become close friends and told you everything about this perfect woman, you already surrendered your own happiness for his.
He sounded so excited that day, gushing at you about this one ravenette he met at the cafe. Someone with the most beautiful hair that he always saw, someone that you knew her name was even without him telling you first.
You listened to him, every single day, about how he wanted to be with her. He told you when he accidentally touched her hand; he felt a spark that felt so nostalgic, and he saw how he was kissing her in perhaps his past life. And when you received such information, when you connected the dots about the things that happened after you die, you immediately set that one goal in your life.
That, whatever happened, he had to get her. She always ended up being the one he loved the most, and there was nothing you could do to change that. Jean never gave any sign that he recognised you either, so you knew there was no point for you to ask him about the promise that he made.
In this life where there were no cruel monsters, you thought perhaps you would find love in the form of him. But it was not possible, not when she was his true love, and you had to accept the fact that you would always just become the woman who knew him best — nothing else but that.
And even though you had to endure the same pain that you felt in your previous life, watching the man that you gave your whole heart to be head over heels with someone else, you regretted nothing.
Because you were sure that you and your heart would make it through, just like you always did from the start.
↪content; warrior!reader, aged-up character, graphic description of violence, slow burn, season 4 spoiler
Tiny footsteps belonging to you echoed throughout the empty hallway. Your forehead scrunched as a bead of sweat trailed down your skin, but you dismissed the discomfort as you needed to find your father, wanting some explanation.
It was around four in the afternoon, and you were certain that your father must be occupying himself inside his study, probably enjoying his coffee as he read some reports regarding the military advance. You always wondered why he got all of that information even though he was not even in the military, but perhaps the book in your hand was the answer to your question, and you had to find out more.
You were used to running around this part of the mansion — since you would spend some of your time here with your father when he didn’t invite the military higher-ups or some of his business partners for a meeting together. Truthfully, you could have waited for later after dinner to confront him, but your mind was already fueled with curiosity that wouldn’t die without being given the right extinguisher.
So you scurry out within an instant, far from the east wing where the library was located to the west where your father would entertain his friends and colleagues. In your small journey, you took off your mules and ran barefoot, ignoring the gasp from the maid that you passed in the hallway.
Panting, you felt the exhaustion course through your body as you finally reached your destination. Some eyes regarded you with worry beneath their intimidating gaze, but they knew that you had been running out of breath before, certain that it was nothing serious.
Two guards were standing tall on each side of the door, guarding your father’s study against the outside, and you were certain there were another two on the other side of the door. They didn’t give you any attention or warning, so you knew that he was not in some kind of meeting or too engrossed with work.
Sucking a deep breath, you hide the book that you found behind your back before raising your hand to the wooden door, knocking it with your knuckles several times, soft yet enough that it would echo inside the room. You heard the rustling of papers, probably from some of the military letters that he read.
“Name and busi—”
“It’s me, pa!”
Your voice cut him off in a gleeful manner, holding yourself from bursting hundreds of questions. If you wanted to know the truth, you needed to play your cards right. Well, what could a six years old girl do? Anything of course, especially if you were the only child (for now) and your parents loved you like you were their stars in the night sky.
You tried to hide your smirk when you heard the audible ‘click’ coming from the inside, followed by the door opening simultaneously. The sun penetrated through the windows, lighting up the whole room and the hallway behind you. A pleasant smell of cedarwood filled your nostrils in an instant, the unique scent that you knew embedded on your father’s suit too since he spent the majority of his time here.
There was a massive round table in the middle of the room, one where you like to sit when your father was busy with work but wanted your company. You would sit there without a care and boredom since your nose mostly touched the paper book in your hand, too engrossed with whatever literature that you could find within his study.
You didn’t need to go back and forth from the east wing and grabbed some books there. Your father studies already engaging enough with a wide variety of history, self-improvement, and many other philosophy books. The room would be engulfed with silence if that happened, but the atmosphere was serene and comforting to both of you, making times fly past naturally and just felt right.
“Well, isn’t it my precious daughter?” He stood up from his plush leather chair, dark yet warm eyes never left your figure as you skipped toward where he was. His lips shaped into a gentle smile as he watched how giddy you looked right now, with both hands on your back as if you had a surprise for him.
It was indeed a surprise, but whether he liked it or not was another story.
“Pa, I need to speak with you!” Your bubbly personality was always so endearing. You were witty, smart, wise — his little rascal but still had a personality like a noble lady when needed.
“And what do you want to talk to me about, my little star?” He walked closer before kneeling in front of you, levelling his eyes with yours. “Something serious? Something playful? Or maybe you just want to talk to me since you missed your pa so much?” His smile turned into a little smirk, raising one of his eyebrows in a teasing manner.
You jutted your lips at his question as your hands clench tighter on the brown books that you found before. Your father waited for any kind of explanation, but you didn’t open up your mouth, not even a little. But you suddenly averted your gaze away, pupils shifting back and forth.
He blinked, trying to understand what it was that you wanted. Your father then looked past you, finding the guards inside the room. It left a question inside his mind at the moment, because you never once needed to talk alone as you always threw questions at him without caring if anybody heard.
This would be the first time, and he decided to indulge you with it.
“Guards, you can wait outside.”
“Sir, with all due respect—”
“Please.”
The two guards looked at each other before giving your father a salute, answered with a firm nod from him. You stood still with your eyes closed as you waited until the sound of footsteps started to fade, not realizing the scrutinizing look that he threw at you. The second you heard a gentle thud echoed in the room, you let out a breath that you subconsciously held.
You were alone now, with your father waiting for any syllables to come out from your lips. A few seconds ago you were so eager, ready to burst out all of the questions that popped inside your mind. But now, as he gazed at you with a look that you couldn’t fathom, you started to rethink your decision.
Would he mad at you for reading the book that he strictly said was forbidden to read? He always kept it inside a glass compartment, telling you that it was filled with a history of mankind. The truth that someday he would tell you. So would he be angry if you knew it now instead of later?
“You read the journal, my star?” You subconsciously dropped the book as you never thought he could see through you like that. Your hands were shaking behind your back before you tightly grip your bow’s dress, fearing that he would not let you walk inside the library ever again.
Seeing the distress in your eyes, he immediately rested his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it gently as if to make sure that you didn’t have to be afraid. That whatever you did, you always became his little star, the daughter that he loved so much. “It’s alright, sooner or later I will tell you all of it.”
His voice was calm as he picked up the book from behind you, opening it right in front of your face as he checked that in case some pages were wrinkled. You still kept your mouth shut, waiting for him to say something more — because for sure his words before were still not enough to calm yourself.
When he looked at you again, you were averting his gaze and decided to look down. So he closed the book and reached out for you, holding your much smaller hand as he brought you toward his desk. The silence was deafening as he didn’t say anything afterwards, making you have to focus on the footsteps to dwindle your concern.
His hand was warm as it engulfed yours, squeezing it softly here and there as he plopped himself to his chair. With how light you were, he picked you up and tucked you gently on his lap, wanting to make sure that you were comfortable since it would take some time to explain everything to you.
“Now, can you tell me what you already know so far?”
It was now that you finally dared to look up, curious about the expression on his face. You should have known that your father wouldn’t be angry at you, he couldn’t, at least not towards you. His face didn’t even show any sign of resentment, he just sat there, looking down, and waited until you were ready to talk.
“Almost everything, I guess.” You finally dared to speak up, yet it still sounded so timid. “That King Fritz was not our enemy, it was thanks to him that the war is over.” Continuing your words, you swallowed a huge lump. “And those people on the island, they are not demons, but they are exactly like—”
“Us.”
He finished your word without pause, knowing what you were going to say next like he always did. Your forehead scrunched at this, lips turned into a scowl as you tried to understand the world that you live in right now. All the war, the hatred that Eldians received inside the internment zone, if only this true story was out in the public then they wouldn’t get treated like that, right?
“B-But why do we hide this information, then?” You croaked out, not believing that your family concealed such truth. “If people knew that King Fritz was the one who wanted peace, if only the whole world knew that Eldians did not want anything but to live like a normal human, they were not going to be treated like this, pa!”
You were begging right now, needing some answer that could justify the choice they made. It felt awful, like someone had put a blindfold on you all your life, whispering to you that the world filled with hatred and that because of your ancestors, because of the blood that flows inside your veins and there was nothing else that you could do except living through the brutal knowledge.
But it was all a lie, because your family could have made a change in this world yet didn’t do anything about it.
Your father just sat there, listening to your cries and complaints. He knew from the start that you were someone that would do anything for Eldians to be free, he often saw you sneaking around and talked to the maids, after all, questioning about how their children were at home and many other mundane things.
He didn’t have the courage to tell you, the reason why he kept the information to himself when he was warned by the current inheritor. He didn’t have the courage to tell you what lies across the sea, what slept inside the walls that the king had made. As your father, he didn’t want his six years old innocent daughter to know that the fate of the world was in their hands — the Eldian.
His lips turned into a frown as he realized. No matter how much he wanted to protect you from this cruel world, no matter how much he just wanted you to live and be happy without a burden on your shoulder, he couldn’t grant his wish.
Because soon, you would be the one in the family who held the biggest responsibility.
“You would know soon enough, my little star.” He gulped down, dark orbs gazing at your face as he was so tormented from this fact only. Your beady eyes shone under the orange hue that slipped through the large windows, making you look even more innocent, an angel to him and his wife as he cradled you like this on his lap.
Soon, and he needed to start telling you now how much weight you would carry throughout your life. “Once you inherit the war hammer titan.”
“Wake up!”
You sat up straight as you tried to inhale the air bit by bit, feeling like your dreams that you had just stolen the oxygen out of your lungs. No, it was not a dream, it was a memory that you had with your father. The day when you knew the truth, the day when you knew your responsibility and how you needed to keep a blind eye over it.
And for sure, hiding the fact from everyone was the hardest part. Especially when you had these people you called friends as you invaded the island of Paradis with the mission to take back the founding titan. You wanted to tell them the danger, or how the people inside the wall were not as different from those in Liberio.
But you had made a vow to your father to keep your lips sealed, no matter how much you wanted to share it. And you were not going to break that promise, not when you knew there was a high possibility that you wouldn’t make it back alive.
“I am sorry, I should have been more gentle.” Your gaze still cast down your lap, wanting to control your emotion first before interacting with the other warrior. “Nightmare?” But his gentle, mature voice was so endearing you couldn’t help but lookup.
His forehead scrunched in worry as you realized that he squatted down right in front of you. Large hazel eyes scrutinizing your every movement, and you felt so bare with how he seemed like he could see right through you.
“I am fine, Marcel.” You answered him a matter of factly, not wanting to prolong the constant worry that he had for his fellow warriors. “Sorry, I will clean up the firepit and be ready in a minute.”
“Oh, no need. I mean— you don’t need to.” He stood up, reaching out his hand for you, and you took it despite the confusion that was written all over your face. “I already cleaned it up, so you just have to grab your bag and we will be ready to continue our journey.”
“Marcel!” You exclaimed, stomping your feet to the ground subconsciously as your eyes drilled on his skull. “It was supposed to be my turn!” And your outburst of course caught the others’ attention. “You always do something like this, making sure that everyone could leisure around while you did all the work.”
“(Y/n), I am sure that he—” The glare in your eyes now fell to another victim, the colossal titan inheritor, and you could see him flinch from just being the recipient of your glare. “N-Nevermind, I will just, uhm, check on Reiner if he is okay.”
And just like that, he scurried off to find his friend, not wanting to interrupt your little tantrum that he was sure would subside soon.
Bertolt knew you, you were always a little cranky when you woke up, at least that was what he could see by the past three days as he woke up with you not far from him. You needed at least a minute just opening your eyes without doing anything, and after that, you were good to go. So he understood why you seemed so extra for what Marcel did right now.
You continued to scold the older boy who just stood there scratching his nape bashfully and apologizing for what he did. He didn’t do anything wrong, but you just disliked the idea that someone did something that was supposed to be your job. Though you always said thank you before taking your leave.
Feeling that you had enough with boys, you walked to Annie who was currently nibbling at some sweets that you gave her before at the boat that brought the companion here. She seemed to see your little quarrel but decided to keep silent, waiting for Marcel to lead the way when he was done fanning his reddened cheek.
Three days had passed after Marley dropped you off to this cursed land. Everyone had so much expectation for this generation, and the fact that a Tybur took part in the mission brought so much hope to the Eldians in your homeland.
Your father was right about the burden that you were going to have. All the expectations set the bar so high for you. So for that, he prepared you to be a reliable and strong individual. Ever since the revelation, he pointed a lot of private instructors to teach you all the basic things about self-defence, archery, firearms, and swordsmanship skills.
You were shaped to be the Eldian’s saviour in Marley, ever since you were six. And you would make sure that all your knowledge and experiences would be put to good use.
Marcel told you about the plan, and for now, they all would rely on Bertolt and Reiner’s titan since it was the most destructive and save the rest for later days. When he first told you about the plan, the two of you were alone, he liked to discuss strategy first with you because your mind was the most mature of all of them.
And all the time he told you about it, your mind always thought that it was so wrong for him to ask for your advice. You wanted to tell him not to destroy the whole outer wall, just one district was enough and everyone could sneak in already. But you knew the chances to get in were lower if there was not enough damage.
So reluctantly, you agreed. You told him that he was brilliant, telling him that it would work for the warriors. And after that, everyone would enrol in the military cadet corps, some would graduate to be a survey corps, while the others joined the military police regiment. It would need a few years to get by, but it would be the safest and optimal route.
Just a few years here and you could come back home, reading books and annoying your father even more. Though you were sure that your mother would scold you for spending too much time with him, she would want you to go horseback riding with her while telling some stories about the family.
Yes, everything would be just like before, and you couldn’t wait for it.
Your eyes fleeting toward the brunette who walked in front of you, his hair swept to the back, reminding you of his brother that was the complete opposite of him in terms of personality. Marcel was gentle, compassionate, reliable, all the things that you would expect from an elder sibling. Meanwhile, Porco was aggressive, emotional, and somewhat a little rude when he talked.
And the big difference between Porco and Marcel that you knew, was the fact that the younger brother despised you. The blonde often threw shades and mockery, telling you that you were not like them, how you were a spoiled kid, and could never understand what Eldian really feels with all the privilege that you had due to your last name.
But that didn’t stop you from wanting to befriend him. You could see through his harsh facade, he was actually gentle inside and cared deeply for all the warrior candidates. He even let his guard down that day when they knew Reiner would be the armoured titan inheritor instead of him, letting you sit beside him outside the headquarters as he let out a sob.
He wept silently when you put your hand on his back, comforting him through the single touch. That was the only push he needed before breaking down in front of you, cursing himself for not being a better candidate, that it was his fault for being too confident in his skill and not trying harder to get the military’s attention.
Oh, if only he knew. If only he knew the real reason why he was not here.
It felt like it happened such a long time ago despite knowing a month just passed ever since. You wondered what the other warrior did right now, more accurately, what was he doing right now. Maybe he had lunch with his family, or perhaps beating himself to the pulp and kept on training until he couldn’t stand anymore.
Knowing that was enough to make you frown since you really cared for him, and to think that he blamed himself for his failure broke your heart even more. Every time you walked, there was an extra weight on your chest as an ivory shark tooth pendant grazing your skin, reminding you of your days in Marley once again.
Especially the day when you received the necklace, something you never took off ever since.
And now as you walked right behind Marcel, you could only imagine that the brown strands were blonde instead. But you shook your head after that, knowing for certain he would have a longer lifespan, that he wouldn’t have to carry so much burden like the rest of you. He could enjoy his life, and that was what caused Marcel to put Reiner on the pedestals instead of him.
You didn’t remember since when you were getting left behind. Of course you could still see the fellow warriors in front of you, but they were a few meters ahead from where you were. It happened a lot, so you didn’t really complain since they knew sometimes you would need alone time.
It was not like there were titans around anyway, the Marleyan Military had assured you that the titans would only be there near the outer wall. So everyone should be saved since it was still halfway through the journey, no one needed to worry and be too on guard for now.
At least that was what you believed until you saw a large shadow looming from behind you.
The silence was deafening when you felt the air sucked out from the space around you, leaving you to stand there alone as you slowly lost the ability to breathe. Fear, that was what you felt right now as your mind could only conclude one thing — there was a titan, right behind you.
No, you still needed to finish your mission. You had promised your father that you would come back to him, you had promised your mother that you would come back home intact, even if it needed you a few years to grant that, as long as you could see them again, it was alright.
As long as you could come back and see him happy and living a beautiful life even when your term was going to end, it would be fine.
But you were glued to the ground, your muscles tensed and you couldn’t move your limbs to run, or just to evade that gigantic hand which now ready to crush your small body with its hand. Yet despite all that, you felt a strong push coming from your side, pushing you out of the way and snapped you back to reality.
You saw Marcel, his dark brown hair dishevelled as now his torso engulfed in the hand of a titan. He looked distressed, panicked, and he flailed his body around as he tried with all his might to survive, despite an impeccable fate that he already knew deep inside his heart.
No one knew where it came from, one second they were chatting, and the next as Marcel saw a titan running toward you, his feet moved on their own with one goal to reach for you. You couldn’t see it, you just gave him an empty look as you were just deep in thought a moment before.
He knew that you would be too shocked to understand what happened, he knew that you couldn’t move away when you turned to see what was standing behind you. And there was something inside his soul that boosted him to run faster, pushing you away as he decided to replace you.
“Come on, let’s go!”
He heard Reiner shouting at you who was still sitting on the grass, eyes focused on him as you tried to wrap your head around you. There were tears in your orbs when Bertolt and Reiner pulled you away forcefully, your legs even wobbled, and that was when the ravenette decided to hoist you up over his shoulder.
Marcel heard the shout, the pleading in your voice as you called out his name. The others were running to safety, but he could still see you as your hand stretched out for him, not believing that you would lose him like this.
“(Y/n)!” He screamed with all his might, hoping that you could hear what he said. Wide teeth already surrounded his head, and it was a matter of time before his world turned black. So he needed to say it, he needed you to tell his brother that his job was done for now. “Tell Porco I did it!”
Then he was gone as the jaw of the titans closed with his body in between it. He died in the hand of a titan who no one knew where it came from. You should have been cautious, no matter what, this island was filled with titans and you shouldn’t have trusted whatever the Marleyan Military said. And it should have been you, not him.
Your eyes never left the scene as you saw Marcel being devoured alive, starting from his head, slowly down to his hip. The details were so vivid and you were sure it would be engraved in your mind for as long as you lived. This would be your constant nightmare, reminding you every day what a cruel world you lived in.
And you didn’t know if you were ever ready — if someday you met a circumstance when you had to face Porco, knowing that his brother died saving you.
