#lostlove

She drew in trouble wherever she went. There was something odd about her. Maybe it was the way her eyes laid on anyone. Or it was the way she couldn’t let anybody help her. They all thought they knew her. But it wasn’t what it was. They only knew what she wanted them to believe. Nobody knew her. So when she disappeared, she left no traces behind. Some say it was a getaway. But I know. I know she was taken.

and would being in your arms still feel like coming home?

even though i’m not welcome there anymore?

-it was easier when i didn’t have to wonder if you loved me or not.c.r.

maybe i loved you too much?

maybe it scared you away?

maybe you saw the scale of my heart’s affections,

and maybe, maybe, it made you afraid.

-i’m sorry for leaving, love.c.r.

my head hates you.

my head hates the way you hurt me,

hates the way you told me you didn’t mean what you said-

my head wants you dead.

but my heart still wants you.

my head knows you weren’t good for me.

my head knows all the pain you put me through,

the way you made me second guess myself,

wasn’t worth it.

my head knows i’m better off without you.

but my stupid, reckless heart still loves you.

-god, i really wish my heart could hate you. c.r.

it’s killing me, not knowing. that’s the worst part, i think; your feelings towards me in a state of superposition, existing only inside schrödinger’s box in my mind.

even if it didn’t work out, even if i’ve tried to fool myself into not wanting you back, there’s a small, pathetic part of myself that needs to know that you actually cared, at least at some point in time.

i went from being your favorite person in the world, your everything, the one you were slowly falling in love with, to nothing, faster than i thought possible. faster than i had realized i was falling in love with you.

and no, i don’t regret any of it. but i miss you.

-i miss being loved. c.r.

because, yes, i screamed.

yes, i yelled.

yes, i told you i hated you.

but beneath all of that, beneath the anger, beneath the vitriol, beneath the rage, i was empty.

finally,finally,that was the truth.

i was empty.

i was hollow, and regretful, and sad, above all else.

millions of thoughts whirl inside my head at any given moment, going through every possible scenario, every possible variable, every thing that went wrong, in the vain, fruitless search for the answers to the questions i was desperately seeking, that i knew i would never get closure on.

god, i really thought we could make it.

-i was so naive.c.r.

maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you

because you’ve given no indication you even think of me anymore

and though i can’t help but hold on to the person you were when i was allowed to love you,

the person who loved me, who said they’d never let me go, who swore they would’ve stayed by my side forever-

it’s going to drive me mad hoping that person comes back.

so maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you.

-because it sure as hell seems like you’re over me. c.r.

i don’t know what’s true anymore.

i don’t know who you are anymore.

i don’t remember how you felt about me -

i don’t remember how you loved me.

i’m terrified i’ve crafted an image of you in my mind out of loneliness, and i’m desperately, hopelessly, tragically in love with a person who doesn’t exist.

the only thing i know is that i love you-

and i don’t even know that for sure.

-tell me i’m not crazy - tell me you still love me. c.r.

it took me far too long to realize that no matter how hard i tried, i could never hate you. i could be furious at you for the way you hurt me, for claiming that you cared while your actions showed the opposite, but i could never hate you.

i loved you too much to ever be able to hate you.

-i really wish i could hate you. c.r.

maybe all the signs were there-

maybe i just refused to see them.

after all, red flags just look like flags when you see them through rose colored glasses.

-why did i believe you when you said you’d never hurt me? c.r.