abusivesubstance:

i went to the beach without you tonight. it was dark out and there wasn’t a single star in the sky, because of course there’s not, theres never a clear night sky when i would want it most. maybe next time i always say, but by the time i get around to making myself look at the edge of the earth it’s always the same when im by myself. i am okay with being by myself. i would still rather have been with you, i still would rather be with you. i wanted to be sharing that moment with you so bad, i craved it more then you’re probably craving some sleep or your own death wherever you’re at as i write this. i hope that next time i go to the beach at one in the fucking morning and sit down on the path and let myself feel for once, it’s because i am feeling your hand squeezing mine or your breath on my neck or your arms wrapped around my body or you. i just want to feel you. and every emotion that comes along with you. your cold or your warmth were all i needed tonight because im just never hallt with moderation.

soooo felt this

2019 update:

Still sad.

“Forgive him for being too young to realize what he had.”

— unknown

“I just wanted you to love me as much as I loved you.”

— you never did

“you were my first love and you always will be. i can’t say i don’t miss you but i cannot keep you here with me forever. the memory of the person you used to be is slowly fading and i’m starting to forget what it felt like to love you. what it felt like being loved by you. i see you with her and i resent you. i’m scared that my memories of you as my first love will be overshadowed by the destruction you caused in the end.”

— s.c. (accepting change)

“I’ll always secretly wish that the honor of being my first love went to someone more noble, honest, and deserving. I would never want to relive the 6 years of my life with you, especially if it would’ve ended in the same pain and destruction. But even though my heart sometimes fills itself with regret at allowing myself to become so misguided by my blinding love for you, I understand it was all necessary. It was necessary to surrender myself to the suffering you caused me to grasp the importance of knowing my own worth. To understand that I must put myself before anybody else. For the rest of my life the scars you left on my heart will shake when I think of my first love. But they will guide me in making decisions that will fulfill me. I have taken a lot of lessons away from loving you, like following my intuition and respecting myself enough to remove myself from toxic situations. And understanding that the way you treated me is the stark opposite of what I deserve. Most of all, loving you taught me that you cannot have bliss without suffering, simply because you do not know what true happiness is without feeling the deepest sadness.”

— s.c. { i will be happier than i’ve ever been and i owe it all to the way you destroyed me }

and it was a shallower love than i’d ever care to admit, certainly nowhere near the depth i’d convinced myself it was when i was living it. but sometimes, in the dead of night, i can’t help it - my mind wanders. back to all of the things i’d promised we’d become, back to the dreams i had of you and i, back to the love i swore i held for you. perhaps this is a cautionary tale, then - warning of light found in the darkest of places, of love found in the most barren of hearts. it always hurts more than you think it will.

-reminiscing on yesterday. c.r.

you were as beautiful as a midnight rose

so i suppose i should not have been surprised

when i finally fell onto your thorns

and bled out at sunrise

-even the stars go out eventually. c.r.

being with you felt like a dream

you were there and gone in the blink of an eye

now you only exist intangibly in hazy memories

i’m not so sure you were ever real

it was beautiful.. then it wasn’t.

-i wish it was as easy to forget you as it was to fall in love with you. c.r.

are you telling her how much you love her, right now?

are you telling her that she’s your favorite person?

that she’s your everything?

are you telling her all the things you used to tell me?

the way you hold her hand-

the way you look at her-

it makes me want to scream.

because that’s how you used to look at me.

-i wish i could hear you say “i love you” one last time. c.r.

and what is there left to do when we’re strangers again?

when the single worst fate that i swore would never, ever come to pass, has?

there’s nothing quite as painful as looking into the eyes of someone you once loved and realizing that there’s nothing but distance between you two, now.

-forgive me, my love. c.r.

and would being in your arms still feel like coming home?

even though i’m not welcome there anymore?

-it was easier when i didn’t have to wonder if you loved me or not.c.r.

maybe i loved you too much?

maybe it scared you away?

maybe you saw the scale of my heart’s affections,

and maybe, maybe, it made you afraid.

-i’m sorry for leaving, love.c.r.

my head hates you.

my head hates the way you hurt me,

hates the way you told me you didn’t mean what you said-

my head wants you dead.

but my heart still wants you.

my head knows you weren’t good for me.

my head knows all the pain you put me through,

the way you made me second guess myself,

wasn’t worth it.

my head knows i’m better off without you.

but my stupid, reckless heart still loves you.

-god, i really wish my heart could hate you. c.r.

it’s killing me, not knowing. that’s the worst part, i think; your feelings towards me in a state of superposition, existing only inside schrödinger’s box in my mind.

even if it didn’t work out, even if i’ve tried to fool myself into not wanting you back, there’s a small, pathetic part of myself that needs to know that you actually cared, at least at some point in time.

i went from being your favorite person in the world, your everything, the one you were slowly falling in love with, to nothing, faster than i thought possible. faster than i had realized i was falling in love with you.

and no, i don’t regret any of it. but i miss you.

-i miss being loved. c.r.

because, yes, i screamed.

yes, i yelled.

yes, i told you i hated you.

but beneath all of that, beneath the anger, beneath the vitriol, beneath the rage, i was empty.

finally,finally,that was the truth.

i was empty.

i was hollow, and regretful, and sad, above all else.

millions of thoughts whirl inside my head at any given moment, going through every possible scenario, every possible variable, every thing that went wrong, in the vain, fruitless search for the answers to the questions i was desperately seeking, that i knew i would never get closure on.

god, i really thought we could make it.

-i was so naive.c.r.

maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you

because you’ve given no indication you even think of me anymore

and though i can’t help but hold on to the person you were when i was allowed to love you,

the person who loved me, who said they’d never let me go, who swore they would’ve stayed by my side forever-

it’s going to drive me mad hoping that person comes back.

so maybe i have to pretend like i’m over you.

-because it sure as hell seems like you’re over me. c.r.