I’m choosing me.

I’m not choosing to gain weight. I’m choosing to be me.

because I am not …

* saying no to plans that might involve food.

* body checking after every meal to know how much self-loathing to carry with me that day.

*rigid. numb. foggy.

*stuck in my head. distant. never present. &never truly joining in.

because I am …

* sitting at a bar, alone, having margs just because //no special occasion needed to treat myself//.

* splitting an unplanned slice of cake with a best friend.

* spontaneous. clear-minded. emotional (for the good &for the bad).

* living life. experiencing the world around me. joining in &making memories with the ones I love oh so much.

gains.

positives to weight gain

*you wear clothes, no more clothes wearing you.
* &you get to buy new clothes
*moving without fear of breaking
*discovering your body does more than hurt &be cold.
*stepping out of the fog &being present.
*social eating is actually social (not a stressful clusterfuck)
*finding ways to define yourself other than the skinny one.
*feeling. having enough energy to experience&show emotion.
*freeing up brain space to think about so many other //better// things.
*having an all natural glow up.

i’m home.

how can a place feel like home when you’ve never been there before now? how can a place make you feel so you, so complete&whole? how can a place lift all the weight another place held you down with? how can a place be everything you didn’t know you wanted, needed, &more?

do you get what I’m saying? feel what I feel?

alive but not living.

so afraid of imperfection, never actually living,feeling,experiencing.

so scared of not doing right, never being genuine &living truth.

so fearful of a mess up’s consequences, never taking chances at what could be.

face the fears. be a boldness. embrace this life. because what is being alive if you aren’t actually living?

so what now?

you work hard, minus the play hard, for four…eight… years. you achieve [insert goal here] &then what? you feel zero, not a bit, in no way different. you bust your ass working towards the big day of your life. &then what? the day was way over hyped. or worse, the day actually just sucks.

this very true (&unbearably so) storyline is our harsh reality that life is ~ all about the journey ~ &not about the destination. yeah achieving a big something is an awesome thing. but it is not ~ all the things ~ cause I am pretty sure if reaching the goal was everything, I would at least feel a little different this morning as I wake up.

if I could, would I go back &change my journey now realizing all this? nope. because all those kind of couldawoulda wishes are pointless&depressing. but I will keep this lesson learned in mind as today starts my new journey towards another something.

imposter syndrome.

some days I feel like a bad bitch.

other days I feel like a nothing.

some days I think I can do this.

other days I think I know nothing.

some days I know my worth.

other days I know my best means nothing.

how can I go from a something to a nothing , just. like. that. ?

the thing is… I didn’t/. I did not go to bed smart,beautiful,worthy &then wake up dumb, ugly,incapable of being loved. the mind plays mean tricks on us. //a liar//. one moment ourselves, the next an imposter. &whichiswhich? am I the beautiful,capable,worthy? or is that the fake me?

while we can’t always control the thoughts in our mind, we can choose which ones we allow to become our reality. so I choose ‘bad bitch me’. I choose 'I can do this me’. I chose 'worthy me’. &tomorrow all the thoughts (including the not so good ones) may (probs) will return. &that is okay. I will again choose. I will choose the same. I will choose to be the 'something great me’.

see me.

always never noticed. really wears on me.

forever not the main act. a bit of external validation might set the negative thoughts free.

just for once, to catch attention. out of a crowd, be the one seen.

a feeling so foreign in this life, not sure I’d recognize the happening.

matching energy.

this world is a mean place. //survival of the fittest//. the only way to thrive (&even sometimes just get by) is to look out for ourselves. //survival of the selfish//. protect ourselves. put ourselves first. watch our own backs. because put them down to build ourselves up, right? //eyeroll//. the world is too jam packed full of ugly. there’s not enough room left for all of us to bloom… that’s what we are taught.

the irony is we really can’t get thru all this shit alone. we need each other. so where do we find our balance? I used to lean all the way towards care&compassion //100%// for my friends. I was their ~go to girl~. but I am tired of that energy never being reciprocated. my roots are dry from overwatering the rest of the garden &not myself fully first. I’ve got to try a new game plan. my first. //match their energy//. only care as much as they do.

because I now know how dangerous of a game it is to care about someone more than they care about me.

seven becomes seventy.

you’ve got that power over me. all day, waking me up at night. you’ve got that power over me. you win, I don’t even fight.

a life with you is better, yeah you’ve got me to believe. it’s funny, not so funny, how you stole seven years away so easily.

you’ve got the power over me, so how do I set myself free? it’s time I fight, fight&shine my light. before seven becomes ten becomes seventy.

how.

how am I suppose to love me, when I don’t know who I am. I’m running from myself, yeah. I’m a fast bitch, I know I am. broken can be pieced back together, but I don’t think the original is the narrative that’s meant for me.

how is someone suppose to love me when I don’t even love who I am. I’m running from myself, yeah. catch me, only if you can. my story isn’t like what I’ve designed my cover to seem. no promises the ending will be what you thought would be for you&me.

hello? can you hear me?

am I being heard? or are my prayers just hitting the ceiling?

okay, today I am v reminded that I am heard. I am reminded that I need to get more okay with not having the answers. more okay with not knowing what is best for me, what is planned for me. I need to really understand how blind I am to life’s lessons &my future.

I will do the work. I will work on doing my best, trusting the process&outcome, persevering when it’s not what I had planned. &then praising because I know I am being given better that what I had imagined.

I am heard. my prayers crash thru ceilings.

not my own.

my body is not my own. controlled by ana.

my narrative is not my own. controlled by strangers around me.

my accomplishments are not my own. controlled by the system who grants them.

my beliefs are not my own. controlled by societal standards&expectations set years before me.

my talents are not my own. controlled by my creator.

my value&selfworth are not my own. control by my inner bully, a collaboration of all the above.

when do I get a say so?

a guy.

I like a guy that I can fix, make me feel wanted,needed, but then when healed dips.

I like a guy that is in&out half the time. too busy with his own shit to try to control mine.

I like a guy that’s creative, has a big imagination. because I’m convinced my reality won’t top his visions of me.

that girl.

because who you are is not where you’ve been. because who you are is not who you’ve been.

I love a new start. &I need one. //next month//

because who you are is where you are, who you are *right now*. so who do I want to be?

I want to be the girl who grabs a drink at her bar at least once a week.

I want to be the girl who is present &not stuck in her thoughts. I want to be the girl who talks to the hot guy first.

I want to be the girl that lets others in, but also protects her energy&space. //boundaries//.

I want to be the girl who feels like an adult by finding her own definition of the word //*not* including having house&kids//.

I want to be the girl who is confident in her body, regardless of her body.

I want to be the girl who eventually can tell the people in her life about this page &her writings.

&still someone will

you can try to do everything ‘right’, be everything right’ &this world //or that person// will still find a way to fuck you up.

you can always tell the truth &still someone will call you a liar.

you can be single, celibate &still someone will call you a slut.

you can work hard, day&night &still someone will call you lazy.

you cannot , will not win. so quit trying. live for yourself. &fuck that someone.

that’s life.

i’m not angry at god for not giving me what i asked,prayed for. i’m angry at myself for not knowing my best interest. for not knowing what i truly wanted,needed. i’ve put in the work. i’ve taken the time to find, love, care for myself. i think i know myself good, better, the best. but obvi i don’t. &it’s fucking frustrating.

but i guess that’s life. a journey towards self discovery. searching for the answers. but the pot of gold is empty &we never find the answers. life is trusting the process, watching the youtube vlogs when we don’t . &learning to get comfortable with not having a damn clue.

growing up.

when does ‘grown up’ happen? when does being independent, self sufficient, your own damn person happen?

how do you go to bed a kid &wake up a grown ass adult?

I need to take the course, read all the books. is there a youtube tutorial for this shit?

no? “because sometimes things happen to us that we are not equipped to deal with”

maybe becoming an adult is not about knowing more. maybe becoming an adult is about having the confidence to try&fail. to make big scary mistakes.

//setting the week’s vibration// with 

visualizations…

I am confident in my body, regardless of my body. 

I have made friendships that will (&should) last. 

my apartment design visions have come to life. 

I found my place in the world.

&gratitudes… 

I am thankful to have a close relationship with my fam. 

I am blessed to have “me” days. 

I am lucky to have found an apartment so easily. 

I am grateful for social media keeping me connected to long distance friends.

i’m worth it.

i care. for the people who care about me.

i love. the ones that give their heart to me.

i fight. for the people who would fight for me.

i trust. the ones that put their trust in me .

this world is ugly. &i refuse to share my beauty with the apathetically broken. i’m making them earn it. i’m worth it.