I’ve been so good.

onlinecounsellingcollege:

1. Breaking trust

2. Lack of respect

3. Jealousy

4. Angry outburst/ high volatility

5. Making assumptions

6. Unreasonable expectations

7. Bitterness

8. Unforgiveness

9. Being cold and uncaring

10.Failing to prioritize your partner.

onlinecounsellingcollege:

“Don’t wait for things to get easier, simpler, better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now. Otherwise, you’ll run out of time.”

— Unknown

Hello everyone! As many of my followers already know, I started a program called Chronic Readers Club in April of 2018. Chronic Readers Club is a program that sends care packages to young people who are chronically ill containing a book from their personal wishlist, as well as many other goodies!

The good news is that the program has been incredibly successful, in that I’ll be sending out our 50th package in September, and more applications for packages are constantly pouring in! Unfortunately, that’s where the bad news comes in.

Chronic Readers Club needs your support! I run this program all by myself, and I am also chronically ill. I’m only able to work about 10 hours per week, which leaves me with little extra money. I’m so fortunate to have the support of the current patrons on the Chronic Readers Club Patreon (shoutout to Kaiti, Kathy, Mary, Stephanie, and Kerri!), and they have truly kept this program up and running!

But they can’t do it alone! And with the program’s consistent growth, I’m just not anywhere near keeping up with the applications coming in. As of now, everyone who applies for a package receives one, and I want to keep it that way. But some people have had to wait up to 6 months to receive their package, and in that time more and more people are applying! I may have to close applications again for a time, but I’m trying to avoid that!

I’ve been too ill this year to consistently keep up with advertising ways to help Chronic Readers Club, but I’m doing my best and will continue trying as best I can to provide different ways to support this program, because it’s something I deeply enjoy doing, and it’s something that’s truly helping people. One sweet chronic reader was kind enough to reach out after receiving their package to say “this cheered me up when I needed it most.” And that’s why I do this!

With that being said, one of the most helpful things you can do to support Chronic Readers Club is to become a patron on Patreon! When you become a patron, you get all kinds of cool benefits along with knowing that you’re supporting an awesome program! For more details on the benefits you get, check out our Patreon page!

Another way to help Chronic Readers Club is by donating either bookstore gift cards or small items! This can be done in a few ways. If you’d like to donate a gift card or small items you have (new items such as notebooks, stickers, erasers, pens, pencils, sticky notes, socks, lip balm, face masks, nail files, etc.!), please email me at [email protected] or feel free to message me on here! Or, you could purchase something from our Amazon wishlist!

Another way to support the program that’s super fun for everyone is by buying a Chronic Reader shirt! Any proceeds go back into the program, and you get a cool shirt!

Any and all support is appreciated, even if it’s something as brief as sharing this post! Thank you to all who have supported this program so far! 

Wishing you low pain and peaceful reading,

Megan <3

Chronic Readers Club, a program I started that sends books to young people who are chronically ill and love to read, now has a Patreon!

Patreon is a website that helps creators continue creating. It’s a way to raise money, but it’s more than that: it’s a way to help you truly connect with Chronic Readers Club and support our mission.

Patreon gives you the opportunity to provide the program with more consistent funding each month, and in return you’ll receive access to exclusive benefits! When you decide to become a patron, you choose how much you want to pledge, starting at $1 per month. 

If you’d like to pledge more, there are some fun additional benefits you can receive! We have 4 tiers you can choose from:

• Bookworm tier (pledge $1-$4/month): you’ll receive access to exclusive patron-only posts with first access to news & updates, as well as a thank you message straight from me, the creator of CRC!
  
• Bibliophile tier (pledge $5-$9/month): you’ll receive a shout-out on the CRC Facebook page after joining, as well as the benefits from the Bookworm tier!
  
• Chronic Reader tier (pledge $10-$19/month): you’ll receive access to the Chronic Readers Book Club, an exclusive monthly post that will feature book reviews, book recommendations, lists of our favorite books, & more, as well as the benefits from both the Bookworm & Bibliophile tiers!
  
• Sponsor tier (pledge $20 or more/month to sponsor a package!): you’ll receive an official CRC bookmark & sticker set just like the ones sent out in the packages, a list of the books sent out in each month’s package, as well as the benefits from all the other tiers! 
  

I completely understand that monetary support isn’t something everyone can do, and I can’t tell you how much I value any and every kind of support this program is shown! The encouragement and positive feedback I’ve received have made it possible for CRC to get this far! But we live in a society that requires money to function (unfortunately), and for those that do wish to donate and are able, I think this is a really fun way to get more involved with the program!

We are so excited to offer these benefits and we hope you will join us as we enter this new chapter! 

patreon.com/chronicreadersclub

I’m choosing me.

I’m not choosing to gain weight. I’m choosing to be me.

because I am not …

* saying no to plans that might involve food.

* body checking after every meal to know how much self-loathing to carry with me that day.

*rigid. numb. foggy.

*stuck in my head. distant. never present. &never truly joining in.

because I am …

* sitting at a bar, alone, having margs just because //no special occasion needed to treat myself//.

* splitting an unplanned slice of cake with a best friend.

* spontaneous. clear-minded. emotional (for the good &for the bad).

* living life. experiencing the world around me. joining in &making memories with the ones I love oh so much.

gains.

positives to weight gain

*you wear clothes, no more clothes wearing you.
* &you get to buy new clothes
*moving without fear of breaking
*discovering your body does more than hurt &be cold.
*stepping out of the fog &being present.
*social eating is actually social (not a stressful clusterfuck)
*finding ways to define yourself other than the skinny one.
*feeling. having enough energy to experience&show emotion.
*freeing up brain space to think about so many other //better// things.
*having an all natural glow up.

alive but not living.

so afraid of imperfection, never actually living,feeling,experiencing.

so scared of not doing right, never being genuine &living truth.

so fearful of a mess up’s consequences, never taking chances at what could be.

face the fears. be a boldness. embrace this life. because what is being alive if you aren’t actually living?

so what now?

you work hard, minus the play hard, for four…eight… years. you achieve [insert goal here] &then what? you feel zero, not a bit, in no way different. you bust your ass working towards the big day of your life. &then what? the day was way over hyped. or worse, the day actually just sucks.

this very true (&unbearably so) storyline is our harsh reality that life is ~ all about the journey ~ &not about the destination. yeah achieving a big something is an awesome thing. but it is not ~ all the things ~ cause I am pretty sure if reaching the goal was everything, I would at least feel a little different this morning as I wake up.

if I could, would I go back &change my journey now realizing all this? nope. because all those kind of couldawoulda wishes are pointless&depressing. but I will keep this lesson learned in mind as today starts my new journey towards another something.

words vs actions.

you can tell me you care, but if you act distant,uninterested,unengaged I won’t believe you. if as soon as you come over you start looking for a way to leave, don’t bother saying “I love you” on your way out. if you can’t show it, don’t say it.

you can say all the right things, but if your actions don’t match up, your words do not mean shit.

that’s all I’ve got on this for now. end rant.

imposter syndrome.

some days I feel like a bad bitch.

other days I feel like a nothing.

some days I think I can do this.

other days I think I know nothing.

some days I know my worth.

other days I know my best means nothing.

how can I go from a something to a nothing , just. like. that. ?

the thing is… I didn’t/. I did not go to bed smart,beautiful,worthy &then wake up dumb, ugly,incapable of being loved. the mind plays mean tricks on us. //a liar//. one moment ourselves, the next an imposter. &whichiswhich? am I the beautiful,capable,worthy? or is that the fake me?

while we can’t always control the thoughts in our mind, we can choose which ones we allow to become our reality. so I choose ‘bad bitch me’. I choose 'I can do this me’. I chose 'worthy me’. &tomorrow all the thoughts (including the not so good ones) may (probs) will return. &that is okay. I will again choose. I will choose the same. I will choose to be the 'something great me’.

see me.

always never noticed. really wears on me.

forever not the main act. a bit of external validation might set the negative thoughts free.

just for once, to catch attention. out of a crowd, be the one seen.

a feeling so foreign in this life, not sure I’d recognize the happening.

matching energy.

this world is a mean place. //survival of the fittest//. the only way to thrive (&even sometimes just get by) is to look out for ourselves. //survival of the selfish//. protect ourselves. put ourselves first. watch our own backs. because put them down to build ourselves up, right? //eyeroll//. the world is too jam packed full of ugly. there’s not enough room left for all of us to bloom… that’s what we are taught.

the irony is we really can’t get thru all this shit alone. we need each other. so where do we find our balance? I used to lean all the way towards care&compassion //100%// for my friends. I was their ~go to girl~. but I am tired of that energy never being reciprocated. my roots are dry from overwatering the rest of the garden &not myself fully first. I’ve got to try a new game plan. my first. //match their energy//. only care as much as they do.

because I now know how dangerous of a game it is to care about someone more than they care about me.

seven becomes seventy.

you’ve got that power over me. all day, waking me up at night. you’ve got that power over me. you win, I don’t even fight.

a life with you is better, yeah you’ve got me to believe. it’s funny, not so funny, how you stole seven years away so easily.

you’ve got the power over me, so how do I set myself free? it’s time I fight, fight&shine my light. before seven becomes ten becomes seventy.

how.

how am I suppose to love me, when I don’t know who I am. I’m running from myself, yeah. I’m a fast bitch, I know I am. broken can be pieced back together, but I don’t think the original is the narrative that’s meant for me.

how is someone suppose to love me when I don’t even love who I am. I’m running from myself, yeah. catch me, only if you can. my story isn’t like what I’ve designed my cover to seem. no promises the ending will be what you thought would be for you&me.

hello? can you hear me?

am I being heard? or are my prayers just hitting the ceiling?

okay, today I am v reminded that I am heard. I am reminded that I need to get more okay with not having the answers. more okay with not knowing what is best for me, what is planned for me. I need to really understand how blind I am to life’s lessons &my future.

I will do the work. I will work on doing my best, trusting the process&outcome, persevering when it’s not what I had planned. &then praising because I know I am being given better that what I had imagined.

I am heard. my prayers crash thru ceilings.

not my own.

my body is not my own. controlled by ana.

my narrative is not my own. controlled by strangers around me.

my accomplishments are not my own. controlled by the system who grants them.

my beliefs are not my own. controlled by societal standards&expectations set years before me.

my talents are not my own. controlled by my creator.

my value&selfworth are not my own. control by my inner bully, a collaboration of all the above.

when do I get a say so?