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A very long rant
I just got out of a year-long relationship with an NT guy. My takeaway: it’s so hard to date someone who’s not autistic. My main reason for breaking up with him was that he kept complaining about how hard it was for him to have an autistic girlfriend. That hurt. I can’t change the fact that I’m autistic, and I need someone who’s willing to take care of me when I have shutdowns and meltdowns. When I broke up with him, I immediately felt so free. But now, I feel anxious and scared. I had forgotten what it was like to be single, to be anxious when talking to people you like, to have a crush.
Now I get so scared when I think about someone I like. It’s terrifying. And not in the socially awkward way. I’m scared. Even when I’m not thinking about dating, I’m 10x more anxious than when I was with my ex. I used him as a crutch for my anxiety. I had way less panic attacks when I was with him than since breaking up with him. Lately, it feels like I’m having panic attack after meltdown after panick attack. It’s awful. He was kind of like a service dog, in the sense that him being there would calm me down, and if I did have a meltdown, he could handle it and take care of me. So, since he started complaining about how hard that was and it felt like he was blaming me for my meltdowns and shutdowns, I had to break it off, but now I feel alone and scared. I’m also so freaking scared to date, because I’ve only met a few autistics that I have enough in common with to date them, and absolutely none that I’m attracted to and who are attracted to me.
It feels like I can’t date anyone NT again, because it was so. Freaking. Hard. But, it also feels like I won’t find anyone who’s autistic. Neurotypicals are hard to understand and talk to, but I tend to see the very few autistic people I’ve met at school as friends. It’s so lonely. I feel like I’ve lost a service dog. It’s not just wanting a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s needing a crutch. And I don’t know what to do. I asked my therapist to recommend to my doctor that I get a service dog, but who knows if my doctor will sign off on it? I really think I need one, and my therapist agrees. In the meantime though, as it could take years until I actually get one, I’m so lost. Fidgets don’t work and neither do chewys, and I’m so anxious all the time.
Hi! It’s been about a year since I wrote this post and I’ve noticed I’ve been getting notes on it so I figured I should update you guys.
First, I totally forgot about that feeling. It’s been so long since then and I can’t even remember how I felt right after breaking if off with my ex. Second, while I didn’t realize it then, my ex had sexually abused me, and it would take months to heal. I still haven’t healed, but maybe that was the reason for my anxiety and fear. I don’t think I used him as a crutch. It think when I broke up with him I realized how scared I was when I was with him. It broke me down mentally for a while. I started having nightmares and flashbacks and I would just start crying around friends or family.
Third, I have a boyfriend now and he is neurotypical, but he understands me and has never complained about my autism. When I ask him, because it’s part of my trauma from being mentally abused by my ex, if he wishes I weren’t autistic, he says, “if you weren’t autistic you wouldn’t be you. I would never have met you, and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.”
Fourth, while I am certainly not healed, I think my ex was good for me in that he taught me how to tell if people are bad for me. He taught me the kind of person I don’t want around me and the kind of person I should run as far as I can away from. I know a lot of it comes from ignorance (and his horrible home life, which does NOT excuse his actions), but I know it’s best for me to be around people I know are informed about my disability and who I know I can trust.
My current boyfriend has helped me so much, and it’s not because he’s neurotypical. It’s because he understands me, he’s compassionate, loving, thoughtful, and patient. What I felt over a year ago about dating has been flipped completely upside down. He has taken my trauma and given me a safety net. I can’t believe how far I’ve come
