the universe: you WILL have to see your ex gf seven days in a row AND you have four projects due this week

me:

i forgot about when john mulaney says

teachers: you missed the importance of the speech about the danger of cliques

kid: what’s a clique

teachers: a group of kids

kid: you mean like having friends

teachers: no cause these people make fun of other people

kid: oh you mean like having friends

because whole mood all my friends do is make fun of people including each other and it’s GREAT

bardstard:

rosalielesbianhale:

petition to remake all of the twilight movies where everything is the same except that bella is played by john mulaney who has not been given a script and just has to deal with these circumstances as they come.

john: (walks into the classroom)

edward: 

john:

The Duolingo Owl but it’s voiced by John Mulaney

last night at kid gorgeous this woman in the front row named gabrielle was making fun of john mulaney’s pants bc she said they were too short then later on he brought it up again but he misremembered and thought she said they were too long so he rolled them up and it was absolutely ridiculous. like 10 mins later he was sick of having his pants rolled up so he hopped and they sort of went back down but not completely i love that man

“Later on it was Kid Presentable”

day 5. the entertainer

yunggblud:

when people ask where you see yourself in 10 years

guys it’s almost 2021 stop bringing this back

i don’t remember making this but i’m glad i did

Jack [to Pulitzer]: YOU WANT MY 60 CENTS?

Jack: *chucks them the other direction*

Jack:go GET IT!

Jack, running off west to Santa Fe:S T R E E T S M A R T S

It had been 2 whole ass years and John Mulaneys “There’s a hORse lOOSE in the hOSPital” is still the best description of current politics I have ever heard in my life