#tua incorrect quotes
tua Halloween headcanon
- Klaus’ outfits get mistaken for costumes every day of the month
- It’s Klaus’ first Halloween in a long time that he hasn’t been high or drunk and with the increase in spirits and ghosts it’s harder for him to go outside and such
- Of course he does after some long pep talks with Ben, but he’s scared shitless the first few days
- Turns out ghosts are far friendlier near Halloween and they end up having some nice chats with Klaus!
- Klaus is literally dead-set on going trick-or-treating since ol’ Reggie never let them as kids
- There’s brief talk of them hosting a “haunted house” where Klaus just gets Ben to make noise and knock shit over
- The idea is quickly shut down after Ben throws a fit about not getting his own dressing room
- “I refuse to work under such atrocious conditions” “what conditions I—”
- Diego loves Halloween but never dresses up, even though his suit always gets mistaken for a costume too
- He loves it mostly because he gets to wear black without it constantly being questioned
- Diego’s not just good at throwing knives — he’s also amazing at carving pumpkins with them!
- “Could you carve like a really detailed penis” “KLAUS! THE KIDS!” “I’m teaching them valuable information!”
- Klaus getting Luther the head of a gorilla costume “coz you don’t exactly need the body”
- “Must be weird for you, Luther. You dress like a human everyday so Halloween’s like all year for you!” “Klaus shut up now”
- Allison gets all excited and spends like hundreds of dollars on her costume
- People end up not being able to tell what she’s dressed up as and it annoys her sO much
- Whatever Klaus decides to dress up as, there’s a fuck ton of glitter
- “I’ve never seen a pirate where so much body glitter” “then you’ve never been to Vegas”
- Five refuses to dress up or go trick-or-treating but Klaus begs him to
- “Pleaaaaaase if we have an actual kid with us we can get more candy!” “I don’t even like candy” *dramatic gasp*
- In the end Five ends up giving in coz Delores wants to go
- Klaus just ends up throwing a white sheet with eyeholes over Five’s head
- “Look Ben hes dressed up as you” “I will destroy you”
- Diego almost attacks Klaus after he sings the spoopy scary skeletons song for the 18th time that night
- Vanya’s that person that just puts on a random pair of animal ears and insists it’s a costume
- Allison’s sad she doesn’t get to dress Vanya up but begrudgingly goes along with it
- Ben’s living for the priceless facial expressions these adults make when they see six 30-something-year-olds at their door
- Klaus ends up body checking a few ten-year-olds to get the last Jumbo Snickers bar
- Grace and Pogo stay home and Grace wears a big witch hat and her ghost-patterned apron
- At first she gives out the healthy stuff and then Pogo convinces her to give the kids candy
- Cue them both running around looking for candy
- They end up half sure that the rest of Klaus’ weed chocolate was accidentally given away…
- Meanwhile the siblings go through some haunted houses
- Klaus just walks straight through without so much as a blink
- Ben and Diego end up being the most scared out of them all
- Allison dying of laughter when she hears Diego’s high-pitched screeches
- “Ben why are you scared? You’re dead!”
- They end up getting back home near midnight, Klaus holding two full duffel bags of candy and smiling real wide while the others complain about their feet hurting
- Grace sits down for over an hour checking every single piece of candy to make sure it’s safe to eat
- They all decide to watch a horror movie despite Ben advocating for Halloweentown
- “I’ll trade you all my Twixes for your jolly ranchers” “deal”
- They end up watching Annabelle and Diego continuously scoots away from Five, giving Delores strange looks
- Literally as soon as it hits 12 they just hear loud Christmas music and Grace come downstairs in her snowman-patterned apron
- “Mom no” “but—” “mom. No.”
- Vanya falls asleep half an hour into the film and Diego is astounded
- Klaus ends up getting glitter and candy wrappers everywhere
Klaus after Luther got laid: if it wasn’t such a hypocritical thing to say, I’d say you’re a slut.
the hargreeves as things my siblings and i have said
- “if I had a vagina I’d fill it up with Cheerios” “you do have a vagina” “fetch the oats”
- “i’m such a milf, goddamn. What a hot-ass dude.”
- “where’s mum?” “gone. I’m your mother now”
- “a rooster’s cock could also be called cock squared”
- “the sole reason you are alive right now is coz I poked holes in dad’s condom so I didn’t have to do the dishes myself”
- “watch it or I’ll wash your mouth out” “please say with bleach”
- “what’s a mukbang? Like a food orgy?”
- “i swear one day I’ll take a piss in your bed and you won’t even know”
- “If you were a flower I’d step on you”
- “why’s your sock all sticky?” “Glitter glue”
- “Santa isn’t real” “neither is your sex life”
- “the only way I could hate you more than I already do is if you were named Chad”
- “what was that? sounded like something shattered” “oh I was looking in the mirror w—” “ah, makes sense now”
- “if you get famous one day buy me a crocodile intestine. Specifically small. Just the intestine.”
- “I wish I had a willy. Can you lend me yours?”
- “I heard some dudes talking about foreskin today. This fortnite craze is getting out of control”
- “damn this girl’s legs are so hairy it’s disgusting. Like honestly you need to learn to shave” “she’s a cat”
- “you were less aggravating before you got boobs”
- “hey thanks for letting me play football with you” “of course. I’d never miss a chance to kick something at your head”
- “would a furry without their fursuit be thought of as a skinned furry?”
- “stay young forever okay?” “hell no, i wanna get fucked up man you can’t do that at eleven”
- “FOR GODS SAKES IVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU RANT ABOUT MICRO PIGS FOR AN HOUR JUST LET ME EAT MY BACON IN PEACE”
- “remember when we were younger and i got you cat shit for Christmas?”
- “what if cocks were like built-in pool noodles so dudes always floated in water but then vaginas were like pool filters” “I’m genuinely worried about you”
- “I’ll pay you twenty bucks if you go up to the pastor while he’s throwing holy water and start hissing”
- “you’re a dumbass but hey you make my coffee right so yknow what I love you too”
- “ok but what if I snorted this pixie stick powder” (y’all remember pixie sticks? goddamn those were the good days)
- “maybe if I stapled myself in the head it would help me get my life together”
- “you’re useless for everything except for hugs and coke”
- *solemn tone* “I’ve never seen a cat penis”
- “what do I have to do to make you love me?” “turn into a subway sandwich”
- “since you’re the only ticklish one in the house I think it was a sign from God telling us to make you suffer”
- “the only thing I stand for is getting a bj”
(op: if you can guess which quotes are mine I’ll make you a headcanon of your choice)
tua at an art museum
Vanya: Ah yes, The Mona Lisa, the half length portrait painting by Italian Renaissance artist Leonardo da Vinci.
Five: Thought of as one of the most infamous, and valuable paintings on earth with the insurance valuation of $650 million dollars.
Luther: Truly marvellous.
Allison:Beautiful.
Klaus: AY THAT STATUE OVER THERE KINDA LOOKS LIKE A DICK
Diego:YOOOOOOOOOO
Klaus: I’m gay
Luther: Klaus that’s all you’ve been saying for the past two days please—
Diego: Klaus, what are you doing??
Klaus, wearing sunglasses at midnight: Warding off the sun.
Diego: There is no sun right now you dipshit.
Klaus:EXACTLY
cooking
Ben: Right, I have all my ingredients, now I just need a pan.
Ben:
Ben: KLAUS GET IN HERE—
Therapist: Describe how you feel your life is going at the moment.
Klaus: It’s like I’m a slug and God is pouring salt on me.
TUA beach Headcanon
- DIEGO STILL WEARS THE GODDAMN SUIT
- “Tell me that thing is not waterproof” “oh but it is”
- Five is the most reluctant to go
- “If you don’t wanna go to the beach we can send you to the water park” “I’ll choke you out”
- They go to a secluded beach so Luther can be his furry self
- Klaus going out of his way to take aesthetic photos for Allison’s Instagram
- Vanya wears a big floppy hat
- Klaus chases what he thinks is an octopus for the majority of the time
- “Ben I’m trying to track down your cousin!!!” “Shut up”
- It ends up being a piece of seaweed
- Klaus brings a Dora the Explorer towel
- Diego refuses to put on sunscreen as well as Luther
- Theyb ur n
- Vanya sits and reads the whole time
- Allison refuses to get her hair wet so she doesn’t go in very far into the water
- Diego ends up shoving her and she falls in all the way and they all have a splash battle
- Allison wins
- Klaus tries to make a sand castle
- The key word there is tries
- Vanya tales aesthetic photos of the sky and the water while Klaus and Diego have a competition on who can hold the most sand in their mouth at one time
- Their sandwiches end up tasting like water… and they’re pretty crunchy too…
- Five hates the feeling of sand between his toes so he makes Luther carry him everywhere
- Five asks if they can leave every ten minutes
- “No we’re staying” “I will literally take the car right now”
- Them being extra they decide to go to like the farthest beach ever
- They stop every half an hour at a Dairy Queen because someone has to piss or wants food
- Klaus wears floaties
- It’s because Ben makes him wear them
- They literally stay at the beach all day
- “THERES A BEE IN THE CAR FUCK” *screeching ensues*
- “Why do I have to be here I can literally just teleport”
- At least one person complains about every song on the radio so they have to constantly change it
- They all take turns driving
- “Hey guys can I drive?” “KLAUS NO”
- They almost get pulled over when Five drives
- They end up screaming along to 2000s pop songs while Five broods and complains in the backseat
- Klaus brings a shit ton of snacks and eats them ALL on the way there
- They find sand in their clothes for weeks after the fact
- Klaus buries Diego whilst he’s asleep
- Diego curses for ten minutes after he wakes up
- Five ends up looking for sea glass for Vanya because he knows how happy that makes her
- Vanya and Five also try finding some cool rocks
- Diego ends up pelting Klaus with the cool rocks
- They have to end up pulling Klaus away
- Five has fun but doesn’t admit it (And brings back some sea glass for Delores)
- They being a beach ball at the start but by the time they leave it is nowhere to be found
