#wlsstrong
Hello tumblr world…. Well today is shit, my BDD is terrible today. I never knew that the battle with my weight and the fight between my head and the person in the mirror would be after my weight loss surgery. Almost 2 years after making the choice to have the gastric sleeve surgery, and 100 pounds gone. I can’t even look at my self in the mirror, I had more confidence at 320 lbs then any day I get dressed and leave the house now. I have no clothes, and the ones I do have are baggy or make me look homeless.
I know I’ve come a very long way from the beginning of my journey, but I’m still not happy, I want to be smaller, I need to be smaller, I want to see bone, I miss my long hair, or the way my chest sat. And when I do look in the mirror I pick out every flaw I can see.
Like I’m bipolar type 2; I’ve had anxiety and depression since I was like 9… My manic stages are the worst, probably worse then the come downs. I see therapists and am on a ton of meds. And even though I’m with some one who loves everything about me, I’m still embarrassed for him to be seen with me in public. Because I feel he deserves so much better. No cutting, no bad thoughts, just a lot of self hate.
At the end of the day I want to be perfect in every aspect even though I know perfection doesn’t truly exist.
Okay well thanks for listening to me rant. Bye tumblr
I’m only 3 months out and I feel as though I should be doing better, losing more… I see women and men who have lost like 60 pounds in 4 months and I’m just not getting there. I have no energy to workout which I know is a huge factor, but I have no energy because I can barely keep anything down. My body decided that protein shakes would no longer be okay and they made me sick, I feel as though I’m never going to make it to my goal of 175, I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong if I’m doing anything wrong at all. I know I can’t physically gain weight because I’m only eating about 500 calories a day, but I’m not losing as fast as I wish I was. And that makes me depressed.
UPDATE
Hello to my beautiful followers; both new and old.
It has been so long since I have posted, and I apologize.
It has been quite a tumultuous time since I have last posted. So much has happened so frequently and….I have coped so poorly….but I have survived, and I am so proud to say that I am alive. I will be posting about some of the events that have happened: sexual harassment at work, a broken foot that ultimately lead to a suicide attempt, psychiatric hospital stays. an assault at work by a client, my parents divorce, and cancer.
Yes, cancer. Super fun and great, right?
How about we talk about my weight loss…since this is technically a weight loss blog….but ultimately, I guess you can say that a weight loss blog really is a life blog considering life effects weight…..medical issues affect weight….medication effects weight.
I had gotten down to about 145 lbs. I felt fantastic and was finally so comfortable with my body. I was also approved for a panniculectomy (which will be happening at some point in time…however, due to other events, it cannot be performed at this time…there are other issues that are holding precedence over the panniculectomy).
I did notice that I began to gain weight again…I was always tired, exhausted….and then, I was attacked by one of my clients at work; twice within a month and two days…and ultimately ended up having a CT Scan which showed she fractured one of my vertebrae and bulged one of my discs……severe muscle and ligament damage…..and also nodules on my thyroid…..so not only am I injured, but I have weird things coming back on my CT scan….I’m FREAKING out at this point………SO - they tell me to get an ultrasound on my thyroid, and I did physical therapy for my injuries (and a lawsuit).
I get the ultrasound……and my doctor then decides he wants a biopsy because there are multiple nodules and they look “suspicious.” Still gaining weight at this point - I’ve been bouncing from 175-185…….AND then I get the biopsy - FNA - FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD CAUSE THEY HURT. LEMMMMME TELL YOU! My doctor probably didn’t give me enough lidocane but JESUS he was jamming needles in my neck and digging and LORD. I had a panic attack. It was a bilateral FNA on two nodules…four needles in each nodule they biopsied and it isn’t quick okay they did. I had a massive panic attack and the nurse put a cold wash cloth on my head and then I lost my eyebrows. Great bruises after that too…..
Two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. I am currently awaiting results on the other tumor in my neck - may be bilateral papillary thyroid cancer…but at this point it doesn’t matter due to the size of the other tumor and it’s internal components (calcifications).
I will be getting a total thyroidectomy in a few weeks and be in the hospital for 10 days due to my bleeding complications (think back to my gastric bypass surgery and the massive internal bleed I suffered. That story can be found on my weight loss resources page [link at the top])
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO. IN CONCLUSION.
My weight loss has been fabulous, but halted due to cancer (and psych. meds but I’ll tell you about that in my post about my suicide attemptt). My thyroid is no longer working properly and it is causing weight gain as well as a bunch of other symptoms that make completing daily tasks exhausting.
I am three years out and so thankful for this surgery. I have completely changed my eating habits and my life. It has taught me how to love my body and myself at any weight…I have been all over the map….and as I sit here and type this out, I am a chunky little nugget and that’s okay. I am beautiful no matter what.
I again apologize for my absence.
More life stories coming soon <3
p.s. I chopped all of my hair off, dyed it blue, cut it shorter….shaved my sides into a fade…..got box braids…ya know.
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Weight loss is not always rainbows and butterflies.
It isn’t always beautiful and perfect.
Losing weight isn’t always full of positivity and happiness.
There is sadness. There is pain….and there is body dysmorphia.
I wear clothes like the ones pictured above - I hide my new body because I am ashamed.
Why?
Because when I look in the mirror I don’t see the girl above….I see the girl who was 315 lbs. and scared….alone….feeling ugly and fat and horrific.
I look in the mirror and I do not see progress. I see the same thing I have always seen.
I am going to be starting therapy to address these issues…but I share these thoughts with you because I want you to know you aren’t alone.
When you are heavy your entire life…and you remember being weighed when you were four at preschool and you remember the number “65…..” …..and you remember the embarrassment as you kept getting bigger and bigger….and then you have this surgery and you start changing and your life starts changing and people start treating you differently…..all of this change doesn’t always translate into your head.
Bad body days are okay.
What isn’t okay is allowing it to continue.
Stay strong. Stay positive…..just like I am trying to do.
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I take pictures like this and just look at myself in disbelief. My body is slowly starting to take its new shape and I just can’t even begin to believe it.
Loving the new me a little more today I still have progress to make, and I know I will get there and I can’t wait for that! BUT, this is a journey and a process and I must love myself every step of the way!
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