You did it again,

You did it again.

Poison ivy twisting around your neck, just like last time.

“Why are you crying?” “you don’t have any reason to be fucking crying” “what’s the matter with you now?”

You’re mid panic attack, he can’t see that. He never sees that. He just assumes you’re pissed off at him, that’s always the case. You’re not allowed to be quiet, you’re not allowed to sit in silence with your thoughts without being rude and pissing him off. You’re not allowed to be annoyed or upset - you’re feelings aren’t valid, you’re manipulating him, you’re crying to make him feel bad. You’re mid panic attack, and he’s lashing out at you, making you feel worse than you already do.

You’re shrinking,

you’re shrinking.

Disappearing, diminishing, soon you’ll be nothing. You think that’s want he wants. You’re hurting, worse than before. And he can’t help you, you’re not even sure if he wants to help you. You feel like he leaves and goes out to get relief from you, to get away from the emotional baggage and grief you cause him.

You’re crumbling onto the hardwood floor, you wish the floor would just swallow you up. You think about leaving, maybe one day you will.

This road is treacherous.

You can’t just let things go, because you’re not the one causing someone pain - he is, he’s causing you pain. So when you argue and bicker he’s always okay because you’ve never hurt him, he’s always the one hurting you. You’re always the one to go to bed with tear stung eyes and an aching heart. You’re the one that wakes up the next day with open wounds that haven’t healed yet He can forget and let go because he isn’t hurting, he hasn’t felt the pain of your knife plunging into him, because you’d never stab him. You can’t forget about the words he spits at you because there’s always truth in them, he wouldn’t say them if he didn’t mean them.

So when he comes home at 3am expecting a warm bed and heart to cuddle up to, you won’t be there - you will be this time, but as time passes and things worsen, one day, he’ll return to an empty room, vacant of any trace of you - the same way your heart will be vacant of him.

We’ll be a fine line

A list of winter aesthetics

• Holding hands under blankets
• Listening to old songs and letting them carry you to an another time
• Owning a journal and filling it with your favourite moments of the season so you won’t forget about them because they will become moments from your past one day so they are important
• Picking up a random book from your dusty shelf and daring to finish it
• Covering yourself with tones of clothes from head to toe
• Sleepovers with friends
• Having lunch dates with friends in their car while the rain is pouring outside
• Hydrating and moisturizing
• Drawing symbols on the windows covered with humidity
• Spending your free time napping or getting cozy under your blankets while watching your favorite movie
• Making handmade cards then sending them to your dearest people
• Rescuing stray cats and giving them shelter
• Romanticizing your life by thinking that everything you do is worth the care and admiration
• Reading, reading and reading
• Going to art exhibitions of artists you’ve never heard of
• Long walks alone or with your friends and making up back stories for people you see on the street
• Waking up early than usual when the world is still asleep
• Listening to some playlists made by strangers on the internet
• The agreeable warmth of your cocoa cup between your hands
• Feeling the delicate coldness of the snowflakes on your skin

A list of lovely moments and feelings

• Slow dances to your favorite tune alone or with someone you love
• Random and unexpected hugs
• Handwritten letters
• The smell of books and the sound of turning pages
• Hearing the phrase “I love you”
• Compliments from strangers
• Returned smiles
• Someone playing with your hair
• Sunrises and sunsets
• Handwritten notes found in old books
• Cardigans, big sweaters and knitted socks
• The taste of food after a long, tiring day
• When you finish reading a great book and you feel like you’ve lost a good friend forever
• Feeling the cold wind caressing you skin and hair
• When you’re at the beach and you close your eyes to listen to the sounds of ocean waves crushing against the shore
• Playing with children and hearing them laugh
• Making lists
• Long, meaningful discussions with someone who means a lot to you
• Slow kisses
• Being brave enough to do the right thing
• Hearing “this made me think of you” and “I miss you”
• Playing with animals on the street
• Visiting your grandparents
• Long peaceful baths
• unexpected car trips
• No homework
• The excitement of new beginnings
• Waking up after remembering a nice dream