Dear diary, when life is shit, turn to music.

There’s nothing worse than realizing how little you mean to those who mean most to you.

One of the most difficult tasks in life is removing someone from your heart.

Just because the scars have healed, doesn’t mean that the pain has.

“We’re all addicted to something that takes the pain away.”

- drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, selfharm…

I feel like the biggest burden in the world, like I take up so much space and all I do is fuck up. I’m like a walking train wreck. I should just disappear all together, people would be so much happier.

Sick obsession

I have this sick obsession and I both love and hate it. I must do it 20+ times a day.

I love to feel my bones

It soothes me, reassures that maybe I’m not as fat as I think I am. Feeling the notches in my spine, counting my ribs, touching my collar bones.

But

then it reminds me that they don’t pertrude enough, that too much fatty skin covers them and I’ve failed all over again.

Each time they stick out a little more I get this sick euphoria and it makes me feel so good.

I think anorexia/eating disorders have the highest mortality rate because you have to make a certain criteria to get help.

Like unless you are literally so underweight and poorly, they won’t help you because you’re not ‘sick’ enough which is bullshit. If you think you’re struggling and you ask for help that’s a big deal, it takes guts, helping people before they get to that point could save so many lives, it’s been proven that if you get help before you get so sick you can reverse all the damage you’ve done, you can recover almost completely, but instead they turn you away unless your bmi is under 15, and your pulse is low and your deficient in vitamins.

and the saddest thing is when they turn you away, they prove ‘ana’ right, that you’re fat, and that you’re not sick, so you starve yourself more until you end up in hospital and they if only you got help sooner, you wouldn’t of got as sick.

They need to change the criteria, they need to take people more seriously, they need to help more so people don’t end like me, stuck in this cycle, starving - recovering a little - relapsing again - eventually it will kill you.

Be safe, get help.

I wonder

I wonder what people see when they look at me.

Do they see how much I hate myself, do they see how disgustingly fat I am, do they see how miserable I really am, do they see my insecurities, probably not.

What annoys me the most

• People who tell me to stop worrying, if I could do that don’t you think I would already?
• Being told to be happy
• Smile, you look better when you smile
• Just eat, like really I never thought of that!
• You’re not fat, yes somewhere in my brain I know this but telling me doesn’t really help
• Just stop thinking so much, like that’s literally impossible for me
• People who touch me, like if you don’t have permission don’t do it
• People who treat me like I’m made of glass, IM NOT
• People who know about my eating disorder, that ask for diet tips - like hello, triggering as fuck and clearly I don’t know how to do it sensibly
• People who deliberately point out my scars, yes I have them, everyone with eyes can see them
• People that ask for tips on self harm, like no - fuck off, I do not encourage that shit

What annoys you?

This disorder fucks with my mind so much I don’t even know what I look like anymore, am I fat? Am I thin?

I can look in the mirror one second and see something kind of thin? and then then I look again and I’m just a stumpy blobby mess, like which am I?

I both love and hate tumblr, it shows all the ‘glamorous’ side to eating disorders but none of the truth.

Having anorexia isn’t some pretty girl saying no to a burger and eating a salad instead.

Having anorexia is -

• Being covered in hair all over as your body desperately tries to keep you warm
• Being crippled in pain because you’re so hungry
• It’s being terrified of gaining even a pound
• It’s being so disgusted by your body that you starve it, to death
• It’s being freezing all the damn time
• It’s having bad breath from not eating
• It’s feeling lonely and isolated all the time
• It’s turning down plans just so you don’t have to eat
• It’s your skin looking pale and being purple-y red constantly
• It’s not sleeping because you’re so hungry
• It’s feeling tired and dizzy all the time
• It’s destroying your relationship with your family and arguing 24/7

Eating disorders aren’t glamorous, at all

Do you?

Does anyone else sort of use their eating disorder as like a really fucked up comfort blanket?

Like I do okay for awhile, I eat little more, weigh a little more, still hate myself but then something tips me over the edge and I’m straight back to starving myself because that’s what makes me feel safe and it’s the only thing I’m good at, like it feels familiar and comforting, even though we all know eating disorders are horrible nasty things, that never really make you feel better?

Torn

I’m so torn between being so fucked up that I actually need professional help, like my head feels like a fucking minefield and I’m literally drowning in sadness.

To feeling like I’m not ‘sick’ at all and that I’m totally fine and clearly people have it so much worse than me, because I get out of bed and go out and pretend to be happy whenever I have to be around people.

Like I’m so confused, why does my brain play this fucking game?

Anxiety

tips for yourself, family and friends

YOURSELF

• Find your safe place/person and just calm down and talk to them
• Breathe, simple thing I know but stop what you’re doing and breathe
• If you can’t do it today, do it tomorrow, don’t beat yourself up about it
• That person you think you’ve upset/pissed off, you haven’t, it’s fine
• Unless you’ve said/done something cruel or nasty don’t say sorry, you don’t need to
• Tell people about your anxiety, don’t be afraid most people are actually decent
• If someone tells you not to worry, it’s acceptable to punch them in the face
• Look at something that makes you happy - puppies, tumblr, funny jokes
• Listen to music, whatever relaxes you
• Stay away from toxic people, they only make you more anxious
• I know it’s hard but tell someone how you’re feeling, they can help

Family

• I know it’s hard but sometimes they need to be alone
• Hugs - unless they literally scream at you, hugs almost definitely help
• Give them time, let them think
• Don’t change plans suddenly, it almost always sets off a panic attack
• They’re not making it up
• Don’t make them feel stupid for not being able to talk on the phone, go out alone, meet new people
• Don’t draw attention to them when they have a panic attack it makes it so much worse
• Don’t compare one persons anxiety to another’s
• They already feel like a burden don’t make them feel worse

Friends

• They’re not flakes, they love you, they just find it hard sometimes
• When they cancel plans it’s because they’re too anxious not because they don’t want to
• Don’t let them seclude themselves
• Always invite them out even if they say no, that invite means so much to them
• They need their friends the most

I know it’s super hard to do this stuff and gold star ⭐️ if you got through this giant post. Also if anyone has any other thoughts feel free to comment

I’m so scared to trust people like 100% trust them, I physically cannot do it, it’s terrifying. I’m so scared to let people in because once I do I can’t let them go and once they see the real me, they leave, everybody leaves and I break, I break into a million pieces and it’s so hard to put myself back together again and again.

I think I’ve finally fucked up the one thing-the last thing in my life that I actually enjoyed. I’ve finally pushed away that one person, the only person that I knew how to please.

Why do I fuck up everything, I’m so tired of this shit, I don’t want this anymore.