#bad parenting
[TW Rape]
I once had a guy (my dad) tell my sisters and me that whenever a girl “gets raped” it is because she either was putting herself in a bad situation or because she made bad decisions in choosing a boyfriend. This was literally about a month after my sister’s boyfriend raped her.
(submitted by anonymous)
I once had a guy tell me, “you make this house feel like a whore house”. That was my stepfather when I was 17; he didn’t believe me that my boyfriend at the time had actually spent the night in the spare room (which he had).
(submitted by anonymous)
What’s your take that will get your madoka magica card revoked, mine is that Junko shouldn’t have hit Madoka to stop her from going out in the storm. I just can’t be okay with a parent hitting their child even if it had “good intentions”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but…
To anyone else who has ever felt the heartache of a toxic relationship with their mother or father, please know you’re not alone. Remember, you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone—even with family, should you choose not to.
I know what it feels like to be unwanted and unloved. I know the pain of wishing your parents thought you were enough and that they loved you enough to acknowledge your pain. I know the guilt that comes with walking away and the weight it puts on you. I know how it feels to blame yourself for all of it.
It’s okay to put yourself first…especially if your parents couldn’t. It’s okay to let them go. You are not alone and are worthy of more than they are capable of giving you.
You will find acceptance, love, and family. And let me tell you from personal experience, a chosen family that you create can always be stronger than blood. Let in those who see you, respect you, and love you as you are. If it hasn’t happened yet and you are still looking for them, hold on—they’re looking for you too.
“It’s my business as long as she’s under my roof” is the most toxic, controlling, helicopter, no lock on your door, I read your diary and text messages parenting strategy ever
So despite all the things I should be working on this idea decided it needed to take precedence. As of right now there are no plans to continue it. (Yeah I know, wishful thinking) The idea for this was a spin off of Persuasion by Jane Austen. In this AU there are no Miraculous. Given that I don’t want to spoil anything, I’ll leave it at that for now.
TW - Mention of attempted suicide.
Chloe was just leaning on the railing, staring into the Seine. Her face was wet but she wasn’t sure how much was tears and how much was spray from the rushing water. She was fairly certain she’d stopped crying an hour or more ago. At this point she wasn’t certain how she had tears left at all.
It was closing in on full dark on her twenty seventh birthday and no one had even acknowledged it. That in itself wasn’t unusual, or enough to cause her current mood. No, today was the tenth anniversary of the best day of her life and a reminder of all the pain she’d caused and felt since.
“If you’re thinking of jumping, I wouldn’t recommend it. The height isn’t enough to kill you and the water’s bound to be freezing.” Chloe groaned. This was just what she needed, some comedian laughing at her and all the mistakes in her life.
“I’m not in the mood for your nonsense so I suggest you-” She cut off abruptly as she turned and caught sight of the person who’d spoken to her. Her chest tightened and black spots tried to cloud her vision but she pushed them down. She had to be hallucinating. Spending the entire day dwelling on the past, specifically the person standing in front of her, could explain that. Right?
“Happy Birthday Chloe.” Marinette spoke softly and had a gentle expression on her face causing every nerve in Chloe’s body to go haywire. This couldn’t be happening. Not today of all days. Her mind was screaming at her to say something, anything, but her mouth wouldn’t move. So she did the only thing that she could. She ran.
By the time she stopped she was only a couple blocks from the hotel. It took her a moment to realize she was crouched in an alley desperately trying to get her breath back. What was wrong with her? It was the first time she’d seen Mari in over nine years and that’s how she reacted? She’d already caused her enough pain, why did she have to add to it now? She was such an idiot.
As she became more aware of her surroundings she cursed at herself under her breath. Of all the places, why here? She glared at the nightclub across the street as noise and smells spilled out. It used to be one of her favorite places to unwind and it felt like it was calling her, taunting her. It was her birthday, didn’t she deserve a break? She stalked away at the thought, walking briskly back to the hotel. Those thoughts were dangerous and she’d been fighting them all day.
She nodded to the various employees as she made her way to the elevator, grateful that none of them seemed to have problems that needed her attention. She waited until the doors closed to sag against the back wall. She could feel tears stinging her eyes again and felt an urge to just scream out her frustrations. But that would be juvenile and prove everyone right. She was a mature adult. She didn’t need to throw a tantrum. She didn’t need alcohol or downers to cope with her shitstorm of a life. She just really wanted them.
When the elevator stopped she had her key card in hand and once the door was open she practically ran across the room to get to the balcony. She couldn’t breathe and didn’t know why. As soon as she took a deep breath she collapsed into one of the chairs and flung an arm over her eyes with a sincere wish that she could fall asleep so this shit day could just be done already. Then her phone rang with a very distinctive song and she seriously considered jumping off the balcony.
She took a few steadying breaths before answering with it on speaker. It’s not like anyone would hear it and she was honestly worried she’d end up throwing the phone if it was in her hands. Her mother’s voice came over the line before she even had a chance to say hello.
“I’m coming to Paris on Wednesday and staying for a week so you need to get my rooms prepared.” Because that was just what she needed. “I have a full schedule so if you or your father need to speak with me you’ll have to set up an appointment with my assistant.”
“I’m surprised they aren’t the one calling me about this.” She winced once she realized she’d muttered that out loud. This day was never going to end was it?
“I’m giving you the professional courtesy of calling you as the manager of the hotel. Obviously you’re still too much of an irresponsible child to understand that. I’m amazed you haven’t run that place into the ground yet.” Chloe grit her teeth and told herself not to engage. There was no way for this to end well for her but ending the day being yelled at by her harpy of a mother was still avoidable.
“Of course. I apologize for the comment. I was simply surprised you had the time to handle something so insignificant yourself.” She heard the woman huff but she didn’t comment and Chloe felt some of her tension ease.
“Yes well, that’s not the only reason I’m calling.” Chloe felt a moment of hope and cursed herself for it. There was no way the woman remembered her birthday. No way this was going to be anything but another problem. “I’ve been told that Mlle Dupain-Cheng is visiting Paris. You need to stay away from her.” Of course that’s what it was. God forbid she taint the amazing Marinette. As much as she wanted to explode and vent her frustrations at the woman it would be worse than useless. She really needed a drink.
“I wouldn’t dream of sullying the golden child with my presence.” She did try to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. She failed miserably but given the day she’d had she didn’t think anyone with reason would blame her for it.
“Don’t take that tone with me. She’d done exceedingly well without you dragging her down all these years which proves we were right to separate the pair of you. The fact that you’ve done absolutely nothing in the time since simply proves you were never good enough for her in the first place.” Chloe had to bite her cheek in order to not say something to make this worse, or possibly just scream out her frustrations. “I don’t have time for your sulking right now, just have my rooms ready.”
When the woman hung up she had to do some breathing exercises to calm herself down. It didn’t help much but it did allow her to text her father and all the staff that needed to be notified of her mother’s impending arrival. If she was lucky she’d be able to avoid the woman entirely on this trip. It was honestly tempting to check herself back in rehab just in case but, whether her mother admitted it or not, she was needed here. Her phone rang again and this time she did groan out loud when she saw the number. Could this day get any worse?
“This is Chloe Bourgeois, how can I help you?” There was a noticeable pause at her cold yet professional tone. The woman was probably debating if Chloe had lost their number.
“It’s Sabine dear. If you have a moment I need to speak with you.” Even though this conversation was sure to be better than the one with her mother, she still didn’t want to deal with it. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option. If she blew Sabine off she would call Audrey and all hell would break loose.
“Of course Mme. Cheng. What can I do for you?” Same tone. Apparently that was the wrong move.
“There’s no need for the attitude Chloe. I’m just trying to help you.” Chloe rolled her eyes but didn’t comment. She knew she wasn’t the one any of them were worried for. Marinette was the one they all cared about. What pissed her off was the fact they’d used her feelings for Mari to guilt her into doing what they wanted. “Marinette decided to visit and I just wanted to warn you so you don’t come here and bump into her.”
“Mme. Cheng, I haven’t been to your establishment in at least four years so there’s no reason to think I would suddenly show up. What do you really want to say to me?” She was just done with this day. Done with everyone who only thought of her as a problem.
“You and Mari have always done better apart. I’m just asking you to remember that.” Chloe tried to hold it in but after everything else that happened she just exploded.
“Given that I was so depressed I overdosed on alcohol and sleeping pills then spent six months in rehab I’m curious how much worse you imagine things would have been if we’d stayed together.” Nothing. Not that she expected an answer. Considering the effort her parents had gone to to keep it quiet, this was probably the first Sabine had heard of it. “I’m well aware all of you think I will be the ruin of Mari’s career should our paths ever cross. You can stop pretending to be concerned about me. I will take what you said under advisement. Have a nice night Mme. Cheng.” She hung up before the woman got her bearings back, hoping she wouldn’t call back. Or worse, call her mother. When she looked at the time on her phone she let out another groan. There were still two hours left in this incredibly shitty day.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Chloe let out a yelp as she spun around to find Marinette in her room. What the hell?”
“How did you even get in here?” She winced at her own tone. She must be stressed if she was reverting to her adolescent attitude.
“I was worried when you ran and followed, then your door wasn’t closed all the way. I’m sorry, I should have knocked.” Great. She’d managed to make Mari feel guilty in under a minute.
“It’s fine. I just… How much did you hear?” Mari was fidgeting and wouldn’t look her in the eye. So all of it then, wonderful. “Look, they were just concerned about you and everyone agreed I’d be detrimental to your future. I was trying to do the right thing for once instead of being selfish.” It sounded so stupid now but when they’d all sat her down and explained exactly why Marinette was too good for her, it made sense. Given the way things had turned out it was obvious that Mari didn’t need her anyway.
“Define everyone.” Mari’s tone was flat. That couldn’t be a good sign. She deserved an answer though. Chloe had to hug herself tightly so she wouldn’t break down just thinking about that week. God, she wanted so badly to drink and forget about everything.
“Your parents, my mother, your friends… hell they even got notes from your teachers saying that your grades began slipping once we started dating. I was hurting you.” The way she’d broken up with Mari was absolute shit and she deserved to be hated for that if nothing else. At the time it seemed like the only way to nudge her towards all the opportunities she hadn’t been focusing on. At least that’s what she’d told herself.
“They ambushed you.” The fury behind those words caused Chloe to start babbling about them just being worried until Mari grabbed both sides of her head and forced eye contact. When had she gotten so close? “Don’t defend them. They all got together and decided what our future should look like without once asking us what we wanted. They went after you because they knew they could guilt you into doing what they wanted. Nevermind how much pain it would cause both of us.. They weren’t trying to keep you from hurting me. They just wanted me to conform to their view of how I should live my life.”
Chloe wanted to argue. Surely everyone at least had Mari’s best interest at heart. No one really cared about Chloe’s future, but that was completely normal. As ambivalent as they were about her future Mari’s parents wouldn’t have been so sure, so insistent, if it wasn’t in her best interest. They wouldn’t have made her hurt Mari for no reason. Right?
“They were right though; you’re better off without me.” The words were barely audible but given their position Mari had to have heard her. Mari’s career had taken off when she was in her second year of university. Even then, she’d managed to handle school and launching her own line with no drop in her grades. Chloe’s mother had made sure to tell her all about it, in detail. That was the night she’d accidentally almost killed herself.
“That is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Chloe opened her mouth to respond but froze as Mari pulled her into a kiss. Her brain just stopped. Her body reacted on instinct and by the time thought returned her arms were wrapped around Mari and the kiss had deepened. What the hell was going on? Before she could figure out what to do Mari pulled back until their foreheads were touching. “Just because I’ve been successful without you doesn’t mean I’m better off. Us being together wouldn’t have destroyed my talent or ambition. And the next time I see my parents I’m going to ask them how they could have had so little faith in me. They had no right to treat either of us like that.”
“You were talking about turning down so many opportunities just to stay near me… I was distracting you.” Mari’s expression tightened.
“Is that what they told you? Chloe, there were a lot of reasons I wanted to stay in Paris. You were certainly one of them but I also wanted to stay near my parents. I wanted to spend time learning from fashion houses here before I went abroad. My parents were fine with that before we started dating.”
“My mother must have gotten to them. You know how badly she wanted you in New York.” She really was an idiot to not have seen it at the time. Chloe had never expected her mother to approve of their relationship, but to have Mari’s parents side with her had completely destroyed her confidence. “I’m so sorry, I should have seen it. Should have realized my mother was behind everything. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“The right thing would have been talking to me.” Mari’s voice didn’t have any anger in it but Chloe still flinched. She’d screwed up the best thing in her life because she hadn’t thought. It never occurred to her to wonder why everyone was suddenly telling her she was bad for Mari. After all they were just confirming the things she worried about constantly.
“You deserve so much better than me. You always have.” Mari’s expression softened and the hands still on Chloe’s neck started moving in soothing patterns.
“I’ve spent years trying to stay mad at you. Years forcing myself not to contact you because I didn’t want to be the one to come crawling back. I concentrated on my career because that’s all I had. In the beginning I thought being successful would show you how wrong you were to break up with me. It obviously backfired tremendously. In all that time, I was never happy. I deserve to be happy, and so do you. Forget everything else. Our parents, our careers… none of it matters. I was happy when we were together, and I think you were too.”
Chloe’s immediate reaction was to deny it. She had spent so long with everyone telling her that she shouldn’t be in Mari’s life she felt compelled to lie just to keep her away. But she couldn’t. Mari had always known when she was lying, even when they were kids. She’d only managed to break up with her without her radar going up because she’d stuck to generalities. She also didn’t want to. She honestly wasn’t certain she’d survive sending her away again.
“It’s the only time I can ever remember being happy.” That wasn’t what she meant to say but once it came out she realized it was true. When she was younger she’d thought she was happy, at least with just her father, but once she and Mari had actually started to get along her perspective shifted. It was like everything she’d felt before was muffled somehow. It was fine when she didn’t realize it, but once the comparison was there it was like night and day.
“Then let’s go.” Judging by the way Mari was looking at her expectantly she was supposed to respond.
“What?”
“Let’s go. Just pack a bag and go wherever we want.” Chloe was certain those words were supposed to make sense but she could only stare blankly at Mari. “You never wanted this life Chloe. I remember you talking about studying history and traveling so you could see the cultures and get the stories from the source. So pick a place.”
“What about your work? What about the hotel? We can’t just-”
“Yes, we can. I can work from anywhere and your father can take over the hotel again, at least until he hires some people. Because despite what your mother thinks, it will take more than one person to do your job.” There was a bit of a growl in her tone that Chloe couldn’t help but smile at. She’d always been extremely over protective. But could they really do this? Could she let Mari give up her life like that?
“Mari I… what if this doesn’t work? We spent most of our childhood at odds with each other and only a few months getting to really know one another. What happens if I turn back into a bitch? You’ll have pissed off everyone close to you for nothing.” She couldn’t come between Marinette and her family. She’d screwed her own life up enough, she wasn’t about to do that to someone else. Marinette actually rolled her eyes.
“The fact that you’re so worried about it tells me it won’t happen. Not to mention that if my parents, or anyone else, suddenly decides to hate me because of who I want to spend my life with I don’t need them in my life anyway.” Chloe sucked in a sharp breath, trying to figure out if she was hallucinating. There was no way Mari said what she thought. She’d been fighting the urge to drown herself in alcohol all day, maybe she’d actually broken down and this was just some drunken fantasy. It seemed like the most reasonable explanation.
“Spend your life with?” She hadn’t meant the words to come out at all and if Mari weren’t still so close it would have been too soft for her to hear. Chloe saw her expression soften and felt her breath hitch in her throat. God, she’d dreamed about having that look directed at her again but she’d never believed it would happen.
“Chloe, I’ve spent nine years failing to get over you. Now that I know you were coerced into breaking up with me in the first place… this feels right doesn’t it?” Between the words, the pleading in Mari’s tone, and the hands still running through the hair at her nape, the last of Chloe’s resolve just shattered. Denying herself was easy enough but she couldn’t say no to Marinette. She’d only managed to break up with her because she truly believed it was best for Mari. With her here, having all the information, and still not walking away there was only one option.
“More than right, it feels like home.” It wasn’t a concept she was very familiar with but it was the only thing that seemed to encompass the way being with Mari felt. The bright smile she got for her words relaxed her in a way she hadn’t felt in years. “Do you really just want to take off like that though? Of the two of us, you’re the one who has something to lose.”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I can work from anywhere. Worst case scenario your mother comes after me and I lose one of my brands. Given that it’s the one I enjoy the least it’s really not a big deal.” Her eyes were filled with amusement and Chloe could only blink at her for a moment.
“You have more than one brand? And couldn’t she go after all of them?” That was exactly the type of thing she’d do. Threatening her livelihood if she dated Chloe seemed like the perfect revenge on both of them.
“She can’t go after something she doesn’t know exists. You know I’ve never liked Audrey and you’re the one who taught me to be paranoid about what I told her. Literally no one knows about my other brands except my clients and they’ve all signed non-disclosure agreements. She can’t hurt me I promise.” The certainty in her tone was enough to convince Chloe. Marinette had always been clever and careful. She was glad she’d instilled a cautiousness when it came to her mother. The woman was a vindictive bitch so the less information she had the better.
“That’s a relief. You know she’s not going to take it well or just let it go. She’ll get my father involved too which means I won’t be able to work in this industry ever again. It wouldn’t do to have us both be unemployable.” Mari giggled and Chloe felt herself smile. She couldn’t remember the last time that had happened.
“Your lessons in politics stuck. I know better than to leave myself vulnerable to untrustworthy people. Are you okay with being blacklisted by your parents?” She sounded worried but Chloe just rolled her eyes.
“It’s not like my relationship with my mother could get any worse. As for Daddy… if he’s willing to completely write me off on her say so, we don’t have much of a relationship do we?” She couldn’t remember the last time she’d have a discussion with the man about anything other than work. The thought of losing contact didn’t hurt nearly as much as it should have. “I’ve spent my life trying to be what they want me to be and all it did was cost me the one thing that mattered. I’m not making that mistake again.” Mari’s smile was near blinding, especially this close.
“I’ll help you pack anything you want to take. You tell me where you want to go and I’ll have a private jet fueled and ready. We can wait until my parents are sure to be asleep and I’ll grab my bag from the house. We’ll be on our way to anywhere else before morning.” It sounded so simple, so easy. It sounded perfect. She leaned in to kiss her, putting as much emotion as she could into it since she couldn’t find the words. When she pulled back she glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was five minutes to midnight.
“Best birthday ever.”
I’m always looking to turn up a little extra cash, so I’ve been querying magazines to try and get a hooked up to write an article. Not much luck so far. I was told by those in the know to look for the ones that match my personality. So far, I’ve not found one entitled, Magazine For Women Who Try Really Hard But Can Never Seem to Get Their Lives Together. Or Journal of Nervous Cuticle Pickers. Or how about, Quarterly for People Who Appear to Not Take Life Seriously in a Deluded Attempt to Cover Their Internal Insecurities Which Lead to Depression. I could be the editor of any one of these.
My friend who teaches non-fiction magazine writing classes made some suggestions that sounded reasonable, to a reasonable person. “Pet magazines,” she offered. “Is there one called Good Intentions/Failed Achievements?” I asked. I’ve been meaning to take my cat to the vet to find out why her back end is bald, but I keep having to spend my money on silly things like medical deductibles, gasoline, and shoes for my fifteen year old son whose feet are growing a the rate of fertilized corn in June.
“How about a parenting magazine?” I said.
“But you’re not exactly a model parent,” she said, trying to pat my shoulder to soften the blow. “Remember when you forgot your daughter at day care. And you wrote that bath time article you wrote on cleaning your toddlers in the washing machine on the delicate cycle to save time.”
I reminded her that the bath time article got published, so who’s laughing now?
Her face brightened as if she’d gotten the best idea yet. “I know, a religious publication. You’re always doing something with your kids at church.”
Actually I’m terribly behind on my tithing, we’re always late for choir practice and service, and we’ve been mistaken more than once at the shelter where we volunteer as one of the homeless families who come for help. Besides, I’m not a Republican, and I heard somewhere that it’s a prerequisite these days.
“How about something really obscure like a ballet magazine?” she said. I was the one who was placed behind the giant cardboard cactus plant in my third grade dance recital when we performed interpretive ballet to the tune of “Happy Trails.”
We were both running out of ideas. “Don’t you have any hobbies?” she asked. “Write about something you love and know a lot about.” I thought that was a pretty good idea, but the Eating Chocolate, Sleeping, and Painting Your Toenails journal went out of business last spring.
I suppose I’ll have to give up the whole magazine writing gig entirely and opt for a position handing out those little sausages on a toothpick in the grocery store. I mean, come on, is there a magazine for overwhelmed, stressed-out, lousy parents slash pet owners who never have any money? If there is, we’re too busy to buy it and we can’t afford it anyway.
When I lived in America I was a regular on Spindale public radio in North Carolina. These essays are from my collection that aired on WNCW.
Cathy Adams was recently nominated for a Pushcart Prize. Her first novel, This Is What It Smells Like, was published by New Libri Press, Washington. Her short stories have been published in Utne, A River and Sound Review, Upstreet, Portland Review, Steel Toe Review, and Cha: An Asian Literary Journal, among others. She earned her MFA in Creative Writing from Pacific Lutheran University’s Rainier Writing Workshop and now lives and writes in Xinzheng, China, with her husband, photographer, JJ Jackson.
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1. If you don’t do as I say, when I say, you won’t amount to anything and no one will want you.
2. Why can’t you be like[NAME OF SIBLING/FRIEND/RELATIVE/NEIGHBOR]? They never do this sort of thing!
3. Stop being so selfish! The world doesn’t revolve around you!
4. Back in my day, we dealt with our problems on our own. We never whined about them to get attention.
5. Suck it up.
6. You’re lucky you have me, otherwise nobody would even tolerate you.
7. Depression is an excuse and an excuse is the skin of a reason stuffed with a lie.
ADD MORE IF YOU CAN THINK OF SOME.
8. Smile! You don’t want people to think you have a bad [mother/father/guardian], do you?
9. But don’t you want to be pretty like mommy/handsome like daddy?
10. Don’t do that, people will think you’re a little boy/girl!
11. Wouldn’t you rather have [not dinosaurs] instead of [dinosaurs]?
12. You’ll like [event that makes you very uncomfortable] when you’re older, and then you’ll thank me for [never listening/ignoring your discomfort/making you go back repeatedly]!
13. So, is that your boyfriend/girlfriend?
13b. You’re just a late bloomer. You’ll be interested in [dating/kissing/sex] when you’re older, like everyone else.
14. Why can’t you try being friends with [children you have nothing in common with except assigned gender] instead of those [children you can actually relate to], Iike a NORMAL [incorrect gender]??
15. Don’t be so quiet all the time, it isn’t normal for someone your age!
16. Why do you have to be so strange! You’re nothing like my child should be!
17. You’re not inviting [person who respects your identity/problems] into this house ever again. They’re making you confused.
18. I’ve let this nonsense go on long enough. Shape up, or you’re going to [dangerous ”corrective therapy” place you’ve heard people were raped/died at] until you’re NORMAL again!
19. Can’t you just pick one (gender to be attracted to?)
20. You’re just desperate.
21. Why haven’t you had sex yet? When I was your age I’d slept with lots of people.
22. If I could have my time over again, I’d never have had you. I’m serious, I’d have never given birth to you, it was the worst thing that happened to me.
23. I’m going to leave, unless you change and promise everything will be better.
24. You can’t be mentally ill, I did not make you do housework.
25. You can’t be mentally ill, it will be my fault, so you can’t be.
26. Don’t use long words. You’re trying to prove you’re better than me.
27. ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR OWN SEX LIFE, THIS IS NOT A TOPIC TO BRING UP TO YOUR UNDERAGE CHILD, THEY DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR LACK OF LIBIDO, OR YOUR PROBLEMS WITH THEIR PARENT. THEY DO NOT NEED TO GIVE YOU RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
28. I did not raise an idiot, so stop being one.
29. You did not get this Whining shit from me. How can you be my kid?
30. Don’t go outside like that! You’ll make me look bad!
31. If I see you around them ever again(only friends I had who were 5 years older) you’ll be black and blue ntil you are 30.
32. I will make your life hell if you don’t.
33. I can always just give you to social services if you don’t behave. I don’t have to raise you.
34. I’ll send you to military school. (Over the smallest infraction.)
35. Kids like you end up in juvie.
36. My life has been so much harder since you came around.
37. I did not raise a {boy/girl/other], I raised a [boy/girl]!
38. God did not make you to like [boys/girls/other]. You are a [boy/girl], and you are to love the opposite sex.
39. You are sick. You are wrong and tainted.
40. The devil is leading you into temptation.
41. You need to stay away from that support group, because it’s not Christian.
42. You need to stop being that way.
43. You don’t have to hide, but just don’t do those things. They are wrong.
44. That’s not very Christian of you.
45. If you keep this up… Do you want me to take college from you? To stop paying for all of it?
46. What you are doing doesn’t show appreciation to what I’m doing for you.
47. You will not being my child anymore if you make those decisions.
48. You need to stop social media, it’s tainting you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
49. I’m disappointed and embarrassed for you.
50. You never thought to think about me, and how it’s make me feel if you did those things?
51. Oh your [sexuality/gender] is just a phase you’ll get over it (when all i seek is acknowledgement/acceptance).
52. I’ve stopped wanting to be a boy when I was 14.
53. *eye rolling/groaning when a girl gets mentioned in a sexual/romantic aspect*.
54. I hoped you’d have common sense and stay virgin until marriage.
55. I brought you to this world and you must be thankful, but you don’t even respect me enough to do [the thing i don’t want to do].
56. You must obey me without retorts because I am your mother and I know better.
57. You’re not allowed to argue with me (even if she’s wrong).
58. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.”
59. “No, I’m not paying for you to do [insert extracurricular activity here], you don’t need it.”
60. “Why don’t you do anything? Get a job!” [after the previous statement]
61. “You’re useless, just let me do it!”
62. “Can’t you do anything right? Do it again!”
63. [Makes child stand in place for 2-3 hours while lecturing them without so much as letting them sit down]
64. “If that [insert room of the house here] isn’t clean by the time I get back, I’m having your father get the belt.”
65. “I raised you better than to act like a sorry sob. Grow a pair and defend yourself.”
66. “That’s for hobbie, not to raise your future.”
67. “Cosplay disturbs your personality.”
68. “Those colors aren’t for you.”
69. “I think you need to see more glasses, those look for [gender or age classification].”
70. “What you did all this time, nothing!”
71. “[Boys/Girls] do that, not you.”
72. How can a [boy/girl] like you, don’t be stupid
73. I’m not saying that you don’t have talent, I’m just saying that you will starve doing that
74. You’re the most intelligent from your siblings and they didn’t fail, why are you failing? (that said in front of them, lately they told me how a hell was trying to not fail so they won’t be kick from the house)
75. I support you and I want you to trust in me (said something about that controversial theme) stop whining for that/I didn’t raise a dirty bitch/are you into that shit?!
76. You don’t like anyone, that’s why nobody likes you
77. you’ll see how they’re just going to use you and leave you
Look at the numbers. And the post varies in many places, yet I haven’t seen one example repeated.
78. You’re just like your abuser.(The one they said should go and die because everyone hates them.)
79. If I talk to you like this it’s because you deserve it
80. If you dont do this, then youll be in alot of trouble
81: Stop being offended oer everything I say
82. The devil has tainted you and god has turned his back on you
83. You had sex? you’re a whore
84. You have no right to judge me for my religion but because you dont have one I can judge you
and my personal favorite
85. I hate you86. What the hell is wrong with you?
87. God your so friggin selfish!(For being reluctant and hesitating to babysit my cousins, whom I babysit whenever they come over with no help whatsoever)
88. Why dont you ever try?! (I didnt want to do the thing but I did try)
89. You know I dont think this phone of yours is healthy for you. (Said to my sister, she convinced someone to not commit suicide)
90. Oh it wasnt you who did that. (Reffering to the guy not killing himself)
91. Technically its my phone, since I paid for it. I can cut you off. (telling my sister to show her all her contacts)
92. If you dont do this, I will not be happy.
93. As christians we believe…[whatever topic I brought up that she doesnt interpret as perfect christian attitude]
94. Why haven’t you worn that necklace I got you do you not like it?!? (practicly made me get it)
95. (to my 8 yr old brother) oh you’re arm’s not broken quit whining & get in the car! (it was broken)
96. well you’ve got to go to college God knows your brother isn’t going to make it
97. i just, i base so much of my self worth on how well my children turn out (according to their standards of course)
98. you better clean this (dog pee on floor) up right now or so help me i will cart that dog (who happens to be perfectly healthy & my best friend) off to the kennel & have him put down today!
99. *has night terror at age 6ish* *falls off bed & hits head on night stand* *screams* God damnit why do u keep waking me up for the stupidest of reasons hush & go to sleep!
. *still wets bed at age 5-6ish honestly close to 7 but we’re not gonna get into that* why do you keep waking me up for this just wash off & go back to bed!
101. (b4 age 8) if you don’t hush right now i’m going to take away Big Doll (toy i had undying affection for since the age of 3 & didn’t feel safe without) *puts toy on top of fridge for 2days* *i cry constantly & can barely sleep* *more night terrors*
102. *kid who bullies me kicks my brother in the shin at school* he’s your younger brother you should have protected him! what did you just watch!? (yes yes i did cus that kid would kick the living shit outa me if i tried anything & they only hurt him cus they couldn’t get 2 me. don’t worry i’ll pay for it 2morrow)
103. i didn’t hit you that hard quit crying & go inside before you’re late for school
104. don’t let the dog out *brother lets dog out while staring at her & smiling* WHAT DID I JUST SAY HOW STUPID ARE YOU YOU SHIT *mothr throws kitchen knife at his head denting the door bhind him* (hes good at ducking)
105. (to my brother) what are you stupid? omg you are stupid! how can you be this dumb!?
106. *has panic attack in crowded place while unfortunately being asked about where i left my sweatshirt* *afterward*
hey hey where’d you put your sweatshirt again? *snickering* seriously what’s with you it’s just a sweatshirt *more snickering*107. (after i said that my psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar) *rolls eyes sighs & looks to ceiling* oh greeat
108. what is with you? do you like being sick or something!?
109. *comes out as trans* you are such a completely selfish bitch. you never appreciate anything! all i’ve done for you & this is how you repay me!? well i’m certainly not paying a dime of my $ toward it. you’ll nvr get a good job that’s for sure! how do u expect to succeed in life?!
110. *has panic attacks & misses work/school* what the hell is your problem what do you think things will just come to you!? that you can be lazy & still get ahead in life?
111. (cornering me in bathroom & threatening to smack me when i try to leave ; i’m sad cus one friend is mad at me & other is busy) LOOK AT ME YOUR FRIENDS SUCK & YOU NEED TO GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF *insults friends with gay slurs*
112: ‘why don’t you have a job? Why can’t you just go to the shop and ask? you promised me! when i was your age i was working for 2 whole years and never stopped!’
113: ‘you cant stay home for two whole days! you’re not ACTUALLY sick, and you have important subjects. do you just want to keep missing school and end up as a check out chick for the rest of your life?! if that person keeps bothering you then tell them to leave you alone or tell a teacher. *has severe anxiety about school and certain people* oh its just a headache take some pills.’
114: *shows my english oral i lost marks on because of presentation skills* ‘what do you mean you got less than 80%? thats not you, thats not the child i raised. You were good at english what happened? do you need a tutor?’
115: ‘okay you have 5 months until the engagement so just go to the gym with your friend and maybe you’ll want to go’. i didnt want to go because i hate my family and dont know anyone else there but now you have to bring my body into this?
116: *has an argument with me and ignores me all because i hate wearing my hair out because i don’t ‘look like a young woman*
117: *threatens to make me live with my deadbeat asshole dad if i dont clean my room*
The sad part is how a lot of these examples were given because somebody felt that it was safe for them to do it, because they could connect with other examples given, meaning that somebody else out there understands their pain.
And that gives them the courage they need to add their own feelings and experiences.
The fact that so many connect to this post… is sad.
Anyone else who tries to come onto this post and excuse these words as ‘the usual’ and ‘parents do it to make you become better’ I will reach through this laptop and smack the shit out of you.
If you do that, consider yourself Cyber-Slapped.
118: what do you mean your pansexual? Thats fucking wrong, it’s just a fucking faze, get over it.
119: why are you so quiet? Speak up more and maybe people with like you for once.
120: *is yelling* why can’t you be like your sister, already married and with kids. God your suck a fucking disappointment!
121: why can’t you be smart for once and get at least one fucking A?
122: do you want me to buy products for your hair? Maybe it will be tamed and actually look good.
123: You’re a Homosexual? How could you do this to me, everyone will think it’s my fault you’re messed up.
124: Why can’t you just act like the little girl I remember you being?
125: What happened to you to make you this way?
126: How could you do that? I thought you loved me.
127: You are acting just like [insert name of fucked up/creepy out cast relative here]- That’s why no body like you.
128: Why are you such a downer? You say you’re a realist, but rally that a fancy word for being a asshole. ((Actually had a comeback to this one which was: “Damn fucking right it is, and guess who I got it from?”))
129: Why is it so hard for you to learn anything? it’s like you’re unteachable. (unplugs internet, and waits for her/him to ask me to fix it.)
130: I didn’t raise you to be this way- i didn’t teach you to be this way. ((”You’re absolutely right, you didn’t teach me that. Because I’m unteachable I had to learn through example.”)
131: Why can’t you be like you’re sister!? (*Texted sound clip of bill cipher “It’s funny how dumb you are”*)
132: *parent adds you on all form of social media to get “closer” to understanding you* Why is all you’re shit “[insert default user name for everything here. example: MY username prettyboywithglasses]”? you’re not a boy. (Sends large amounts of creepy giggling sound clips in till she/he stops messaging me)
133: Please don’t be the disappointment at Thanksgiving/Christmas this year. (”I can’t, I have to break my record from last year.”)
134: *Halloween Night* You Egged AND Ketchuped my house, dressed as No-Face, and got the neighbor kids to join you. (”Oh, so you were home. It’s was hard to see through he haze outside.”) It was a clear night. (”No, I remember being blinded by a haze of glee and sweet vengeful acts”)
AS TIME WENT ON, I FOUGHT BACK.
The worst part? I can relate with almost all of these. And I know for a fact I’m not the only one.
135. I know I wasn’t a perfect parent, I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me?
136. You need to forgive and forget. (That my brother raped me almost daily my entire life up until about 2 ½ years ago)
137. You need to forgive us. One day you’ll wish you had a relationship with us and it will be too late. (After expressing my extreme disinterest in moving back into my parents house)
138. We never abused you! (Has actual physical and emotional scars)
139. You arent attracted to [not opposite gender for cishet normativity] you just haven’t had a good [dick/pussy].
140. Sit like a lady
141. I have the right to go through your room and your things, this is MY house, and you are my child.
142. That’s not true, I never did that! (Mentioning something that they did that was abusive.)
143. You just love throwing me under the bus, don’t you? (After telling your doctor/therapist the truth about them being abusive.)
144. How come you never told me, dont you trust me, I’m your mother!
145. Your journal was open on the floor, I had the right to read it.
I feel so fucking bad that I’ve heard a great number of these nearly all my life… Sometimes you don’t know what a person is doing is considered abusive until you see it through another person’s eyes…
Sometimes you don’t know what a person is doing is considered abusive until you see it through another person’s eyes…
I’ve also heard most of these and while I know rationally and recognized a few years ago that was abusive, a part of me is still in denial and think it’s normal for me to be treated that way.
Although it does bring in a new light the strange reactions of my high school friends when I told them how my parents ‘raised’ me…
146. If you don’t start behaving, I’m going to kill/get rid ofthe{insert pet here}.
147. You asked for {insert punishment here} because you didn’t do {insert some task} to my exact specification. Learn to listen next time.
148. *gets inside the house one minute after curfew* “WHERE WERE YOU DO I HAVE TO GROUND YOU YOU KEEP PULLING CRAP LIKE THIS AJD YOU ARENT GOING TO {insert activity that I’ve been looking forward to with friends}
149. You spend too much time in your room *leaves room and gets called loser, annoying, etc by parents a brothers*
150. You are a burden
151. You’re such a loser
152. If you don’t get {whatever I’ve forgotten/put off} then you aren’t leaving this house
153. I don’t care about {insert activity that give actual meaning to life} and you aren’t doing it because you don’t care about what I want (when referring to a “lack of respect” and breaking curfew by a minute as well as forgetting to tell them where I was )
154. Where were you? *said in very angry tone* (because you couldn’t have texted me or something)
155. If you keep acting this way I’m going to take away your {phone/computer/etc} (which really sucks bc you have no way of contacting your friends)
156. If you don’t like [the way I treat you] then go live with [other parent] *proceeds to have a fit when you actually do and blames it on you*
157. If you don’t clean your (not actually messy) room right now I will throw out all your things
158. If you won’t do [minor thing] then you don’t love me
159. (told to 11 year old me) If you don’t shave no one will want to be your friend.
160. (I was 15) *given makeup for christmas* (i don’t wear makeup) “You need to put effort into your appearance.
161. Use chapstick or no one will want to date you
162. Literally every facet of my being is a reflection on them so I better not do anything to damage their reputation or let even a whisper of how we aren’t the perfect family get out
163. Gets yelled at when they find out I’ve talked to someone like my sister about how bad things are because it’s sending me into anxiety/depression/panic attacks because that’s “private family business”
164. Told to watch out or I’d gain the freshman 15. (I have a history of anorexia and have probably spent a good 80% of my life borderline or underweight)
165. Brings up one thing I did wrong over 5 years ago as evidence for why I can’t be trusted with something completely unrelated now
166. Told I’ll never be respected as a fully independent adult because I’m their child
167. Told I would be cut off for getting a tattoo (I was 19 at the time)
168. Now has constant fear when people are mad/upset that it means they don’t love me anymore
169. Flinches when people get mad because you never know what they’ll say/throw/or if they’ll storm out to disappear for unknown amount of time
170. Never apologizing even when it’s clear they’re in the wrong
171. Following that, always telling you how it’s really your fault in some shape or form
#169 is the truth!
My sperm donor would throw tantrums and would hit stuff. I have developed an intense fear of being touched or not-touched(A.K.A. the game ‘I’m not touching you!’). He would hit the steering wheel and the divider and my headrest. I would flatten myself against the passenger door to avoid his fists. Once he threw the car from Drive into Park because he was spazzing so damn much and we nearly crashed.
He would grab me suddenly either by the arm or the lapels while yelling. Sometimes he would get in my face, making up something about how he didn’t like the way I was looking at him.
Now I do not trust people’s appendages being near me. I don’t like my back being exposed. I don’t like not knowing someone’s intentions. When hands come near me I minutely panic over or not I’m going to be hit. Even if it’s a person who hasn’t hurt me before.
So yes, #169 is hard truth.
172. You made me resent your grandmother. You love her more than me.
173. We never planned for kids. They just happened
174. You should just shut up and be grateful
175. You villainize your father. You kids wanted for nothing. You’re just selfish and self centered
176. The problem with kids nowadays is they blame their parents for everything wrong in their life instead of just dealing with it.
177. (Compares me to my father vindictively when I disagree with her and am firm in my stance because she knows I hate being compared to him)
Specifically AcePhobic things:
178. All your friends are gonna get married and leave you behind if you don’t find someone. You won’t be able to relate to them.
179. This wouldn’t have happened if you’d had sex when you were younger
180. If you want someone to love you then you’ll need to compromise on the sex thing (when explaining sex-repulsed asexual)
181. You can’t actually feel that way. You should just come out as a lesbian.
182. One day I’m going to kill myself and it will be all your fault (after a disagreement)
183. How can you say I never supported you? I was always there for you! (in a discussion where I tried to point out that she mocked me when I tried to decide college and it didn’t fit what she wanted)
184. You’re a heartless monster and you deserve to spend your life surrounded by people like you.
185. Do you have any idea how much money we spend on you for college compared to your sibling? If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be giving you one more cent and you would never leave the house!
186. If you just apologized then everything would be alright! *tries to apologize but is constantly interrupted by her screams and storming out of the room*
187. You used to be so outgoing/sweet/nice as a child! What went wrong?
188. One of her favorite stories that she likes to retell involves 15 year old me (with anxiety) being humiliated by her in front of my friends - it’s still hilarious to her
189. You can’t be my child. Someone like you, just can’t be related to me.
Boosting to those who have been/ are currently in this situation.
Pump ‘em full of caffeine when they’re young, and they grow into the types of people we hate to serve, just like their parents were.
Post link
why “spanking is harmful” studies will, ultimately, never matter to parents who want to hit their kids:
@fandomsandfeminism wrote a great post recently about the fact that we have, essentially, a scientific consensus on the fact that all forms of hitting children, including those euphemistically referred to as “spanking”, are psychologically harmful. they’ve also done an amazing job responding to a lot of
parentsself-admitted abusers who think “I hit my child and I’m okay with that” and/or “I was hit as a child and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me” are more meaningful than 60 years of peer-reviewed research.unfortunately, I’m here to tell you why all of that makes very little difference.
in 2014, a couple of researchers from UCLA and MIT named Alan Fiske and Tage Rai published a book called Virtuous Violence, the result of a major study of the motivations for interpersonal violence. Rai wrote a shorter piece about it in Quartz, which is a pretty light but still illuminating (hah, I did not see that pun coming but I’m gonna leave it) read.
the upshot of Fiske and Rai’s work is that most violence is fundamentally misunderstood because we think it is inherently outside the norms of a supposedly moral society. we presume that when someone commits a mass shooting or beats their spouse they are somehow intrinsically broken, either incapable of telling right from wrong or too lacking in self-control to prevent themselves from doing the wrong thing.
but what Fiske and Rai found was that, in fact, the opposite is true: most violence is morally motivated. people who commit violent acts aren’t lacking moral compasses - they believe those violent acts are not only morally acceptable, but morally obligatory. usually, these feelings emerge in the context of a relationship which is culturally defined as hierarchical. in other words, parents who commit violence against their children do so because they believe it is necessary that they do so in order to establish or affirm the dominancewhich they feel they are owed by both tradition and moral right.
when abusive parents say that they are “hitting children for their own good”, they are not speaking in terms of any rational predictions for the child’s future, but rather from a place of believing that the child must learn to be submissive in order to be a “good” child, to fulfill their place in the relationship.
this kind of violence is not the result of calm, intellectually reasoned deliberation about the child’s well-being. for that reason and that reason alone it will never be ended by scientific evidence.
history tells us more than we need to verify this. the slave trade and the institution of racial slavery, and their attendant forms of “corrective” physical violence, for instance, did not end because someone demonstrated they were physically or psychologically harmful to slaves - that was never a question in people’s minds to begin with. for generations, slavery was upheld as right and good not because it was viewed as harmless, but because it was viewed as morally necessary that one category of people should be “kept in their place” below another by any means necessary, because they were lower beings by natural order and god’s law. this violence ended because western society became gradually less convinced of the whole moral framework at play, not because we needed scientists to come along and demonstrate that chain gangs and whippings were psychologically detrimental. this is only one example from a world history filled with many, many forms of violence, both interpersonal and structural, which ultimately were founded on the idea that moral hierarchies must be maintained through someone’s idea of judiciously meted-out suffering.
and this, ultimately, is why we cannot end violence against children by pointing out that it is harmful - because the question of whether or not it is harmful does not enter into parents’ decisions about whether or not to commit violence in the first place. what they care about is not the hypothetical harm done to the child, but the reinforcement of the authority-ranked nature of the relationship itself. the reason these people so often sound like their primary concern is maintaining their “right” to hit their children is because it is. they believe that anyone telling them they can’t hit their children is attempting to undermine the moral structure of that individual relationship and, in a broader sense, the natural order of adult-child relations in society.
and that’s why the movement has to be greater than one against hitting kids. it has to be a movement against treating them as inferior, in general. it has to be a movement that says, children are people, that says children’s rights are human rights, that says the near-absolute authority of parents, coupled with the general social supremacy of adults and the marginalization of youth, have to all be torn down at once as an ideology of injustice and violence. anything less is ultimately pointless.
i knew the state of society’s view of children was bad but i didn’t realize just how dire the situation was was until the lockdown began. this last month or so has really opened my eyes to how much people dislike children, even their own children, simply because they exist and they need them because you know… they’re small humans without the capacity to care for themselves.
it seems harmless but memes talking about how parents need alcohol to deal with their kids or can’t wait for their kids to go back to school so someone else can deal with them does harm in that it dehumanizes children and puts blame on the children for existing when it’s not the child’s fault they were brought into the world. it also brings about another uncomfortable fact: if you don’t like the way your children behave, barring them having a behavioral disorder or disability, you’re probably to blame and need to reevaluate how you’re raising them.
children are more than innocent bystanders… they are helpless and absolutely reliant on the adults around them to not only provide for them, but to show them love which in turn sets the precedent for how they will love in the future. this attitude implying they asked to be here and that it’s okay to joke about how annoying they are has got to stop.all the comments on this post trying to take away from the fact that it’s a post specifically about children getting treated like shit, not adults, that this is not discussing adult problems, that this is solely about the abuse a lot of kids are currently enduring, need to make their own damn post. for fucks sake let something be about just the treatment of children for once
This is so true. Children are not mini-adults. They are children and to them you - their parents - are everything. You are their provider, their source of comfort in a world they are trying to figure out. Acting as though they are a burden is something that will stay with them in a very bad way. Believe me, I know.
READ THIS AGAIN
I’m so sick of parents getting MAD that they didn’t birth a 30-year old.
Ging when gon asks for help
you don’t have to prove that someone is abusive in order to cut them out of your life, if they’re wasting your time and energy, draining you, making you feel miserable, putting way less effort in communicating than you are, blocking your thoughts and opinions, triggering you, making you cry, causing you pain, making you feel awful about yourself - you can cut them off with no further reason needed “I need different things in life right now” is a reason enough.
Ah yes, the 5 love languages:
- touch starved
- my parents never told me they are proud of me
- i love Stuff
- im so fucken tired please god just let me rest for 5 minutes
- hey pay attention to me
toxic parents will traumatize you and act surprised when you act like you’ve been traumatized
