To anyone else who has ever felt the heartache of a toxic relationship with their mother or father, please know you’re not alone. Remember, you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone—even with family, should you choose not to.
I know what it feels like to be unwanted and unloved. I know the pain of wishing your parents thought you were enough and that they loved you enough to acknowledge your pain. I know the guilt that comes with walking away and the weight it puts on you. I know how it feels to blame yourself for all of it.
It’s okay to put yourself first…especially if your parents couldn’t. It’s okay to let them go. You are not alone and are worthy of more than they are capable of giving you.
You will find acceptance, love, and family. And let me tell you from personal experience, a chosen family that you create can always be stronger than blood. Let in those who see you, respect you, and love you as you are. If it hasn’t happened yet and you are still looking for them, hold on—they’re looking for you too.
I dont understand this world at all, people are brought into this world and their automatically forced to be something resembling perfection. Kids being put in a position where they have to be “perfect and socially acceptable” in a world that isnt perfect. “My child is a perfect darling he never acts up and makes perfect grades”. “My daughter is cheer captain with a 4.0 gpa shes the perfect child”. People brag about their good children and because of this idea of the “picture perfect kid and family” parents end up comparing their child or children to this seemingly perfect kid that does no wrong. And then the parents and family wonder why that child grew up to dislike them. What epic cluster fuck of a failed society are we living in if people do shit like that and its considered normal?
Cannot recommend WDHDT highly enough. I’ve found it helpful not just for romantic relationships, but also for growing up w a “unexplainable/uncontrollable” dad.
IT HAS ALSO BEEN REALLY HELPFUL FOR UNDERSTANDING ONLINE MOB HARASSMENT.
So if you’ve ever been bombarded w threats to be raped/killed, (so…if you’re a minority and you’ve been on the Internet for a while), this book might be useful for getting clarity around the whole entitled, abusive mindset that drives certain kinds of people to behave that way. And by “getting clarity”, I mean (for me) being able to go “oh, that’s what’s happening” and not really feel scared anymore. Or angry, or drawn out into it, or anything.
And if you’re still standing around going “but how does something like GamerGate happen?” or “but why do men hit their wives?” or whatever – please read that book and learn something.
^^^^ truth WDHDT is fantastic at cutting down MRA bullshit and calling it what it really is
Please consider reading these. WDHDT is really, really helpful. And I know some of you are struggling with abusive relationships, friendships, families, etc. You’re not alone. There is help.
Yo. This family holiday, please, please take care of yourself. You aren’t there to be anybody else’s cushion.
This may sound weird, but am I the only one who, sometimes, doesn’t want to get better?
Sometimes i think my mental illness makes me the way I am, almost like an personality of me and if I’m getting better, I feel like losing a part of me.
It’s funny how some people think that fathers are the ones who are always abusive. They tell me that a mother can’t be a abusive.
They’re wrong.
My mom is abusive and let me tell you, how many times I was afraid to come home from school, because I knew, as soon as I came through the door, she would beat the shit out of me.
Or the times she called me names, spit on me and said I’m worthless.
This is the difference between an asshole and an abuser.
An asshole won’t hide what they do. They’re proud of it. “Hell yeah, I said/ did that! And there’s not problem with it!”
An abuser does hide. They are aware it’s not acceptable and makes them look bad, so they make sure it’s hidden. “I didn’t do that. It’s not my fault. It wasn’t that bad anyways. I’m not perfect.”
And you know who actually feels regret for what they did, because they are embarrassed and will work on their actions. They can apologize and show humility.
Abusers show no regret, beyond maybe some fake tears and hollow apologies. But they’re not working on their flaws, they’re only working to cover them up.
One of the key differences between a person with Narcissism and a person with healthier ego is that the Narcissistic person is very unlikely to want to genuinely resolve conflicts or problems with family, friends or partners.
Resolving a conflict, for the narcissistic, is just being “right”, and the other person being “wrong”. Regardless of what has happened, what’s been going on, what the type,of relationship is, shared experiences, anyone’s character, shared past, etc. And, regardless of what the conflict or problem is about.
And if they’re being told, no matter how gently, that they did or said anything that wasn’t perfectly okay, justified, or right, they will usually turn it around on the other person and accuse them of being wrong, dramatic, unfair, hyper-sensitive, or even of lying or aggression.
(So if they step on your foot, and you say “ow!” they’ll just accuse you of being in the way, of being sensitive and dramatic, or of trying to make them out to be a bad guy, and never just simply say “sorry”).
While the person with healthier ego and emotional or mental health will value at least the other person’s general well being, even if they aren’t in a closer relationship or association with them. And if it is a closer connection, they’ll value the other person, the relationship, and the other’s well being. And so they’ll be much more likely to want to genuinely resolve conflicts or problems, and with consideration for all involved.
- Sanctuary for Awareness and Recovery, Facebook.com
“This is tricky because sometimes they know they are lying, like when they are gaslighting you. Other times they can be completely delusional. There is a delusional aspect to narcissism that borders on psychosis in my opinion. Because they appear insane the way they fight when confronted with something. Crazy making for sure.”
You have done your part in trying to understand your parents. You did consider where they were coming from and why they were doing this, and it didn’t help. You’ve done enough trying to forgive them. You’ve made yourself and your feelings irrelevant far too many times already. You’ve asked yourself ‘why don’t they love me’ far too many times. You’ve cried enough because of them. You tried to deserve their love for far too long. You walked with your heart broken and chest empty far too many times. You’ve done enough. It’s been enough. You walk free of this with no obligation or shame on your part. You’ve done everything you could. You’ve given them every possible chance to stay in your life. You’ve allowed them lead you on, with fear and hope in your heart, for far too many times. You don’t have to do it ever again.
“Narcissists don’t learn from hardship or loss about appreciating, caring, or respecting others.”
— As proven by no change; when I was in the hospital (either time), when I was housebound sick for 2 years, after my car accident, after dad’s accident, after living out of state for 6 years, after passing family members, etc….
The fender bender NM had, where my forehead flew into the windshield has been on my mind today… Didn’t even ask if I was okay
Dunno about your abusive parents but mine are SO BORING, uninteresting, utterly ordinary sort of just mindless drones of conformity and generally everything and anything that isn’t fabulous or beneficial to the world at all. AND THEY TRIED TO CRUSH MY SPIRIT INTO THAT EXACT SAME SHAPE. Um.
who else naively thought their parents would acknowledge something is wrong if you spent days locked in your room, doing hunger strikes, openly said you’re suicidal or refused to speak to anyone… our child selves were really out there crying desperately for help in any way available and our parents couldn’t care less
moms b like “your emotional pain causes ME emotional pain and that is what we will be focusing on today”
moms also b like “my mom traumatized me more than i traumatized u so clearly u should be thanking me”
then moms finish you off with a very intense retelling of their own trauma with absolutely no correlation to the topic and then somehow make you feel guilty about the fact they were abused at one point????
“You can do all the research in the world to understand the inner workings of the narcissist’s mind, but it will do nothing to influence the outcome of the relationship.
Narcissists don’t think like most people. You can try to appeal to their seemingly ‘hurt’ inner child, be the most devoted partner or family member, and do everything they ask of you, but it will not change a thing.
Ever.
Narcissists are not interested in stable, loving, reciprocal connections. The idea of meeting your emotional needs repulses them to the core. The only positive leanings they have about your love and devotion are that they can use your sentimental feelings against you for their own benefit.
Here’s one thing I know to be absolutely true – when it comes to narcissists, we all want to believe we’ll be the exception to the rule, but none of us ever are.
There simply is not a way to “make things work” with a narcissist that doesn’t involve erasing your own identity, emotions, and needs.
You cannot set boundaries with them (none that they’ll honor, anyway)
You can’t reason with them.
You can’t get them to stop lying, cheating, betraying, etc.
You cannot have a loving, reciprocal, healthy relationship if you’re the only one interested in having it.
And this is the last thing on the narcissist’s mind, even if they try to convince you otherwise. Pay attention to patterns, because patterns never lie.”
telling your kids that they can only ever trust family or that family is all they’ve got is the most toxic fucked up twisted manipulative shit and i would rather die than let myself believe that
idk guys encanto was kinda unrealistic… the magic and miracles were fine, but a REAL abuela would never take responsibility and apologise for the generational trauma she caused
Watched Encanto a few days ago. I cringed right quick from the beginning. It’s very ouch to see a lost child/ scapegoat/ black sheep role. Even a full out estranged child. And it irritated me bc I knew where the plot line from Mirabel was going to go… she’s the fixer. She helps heal the family, and bring them together. She had to make the effort. Then comes the cliché Disney ending where everyone realizes they were wrong, admits their problems, and everything is fixed and happy…
Nice. But reality sucks. And so many dysfunctional families will stay toxic for generations, and even if people like me want to be awake to the cycle and try to help, it will fail because the other parts of the family don’t want to disrupt their role or make an effort to be better.
So it’s certainly an emotionally triggering movie.
I like that their are many other viewers out there using it as an example of dysfunctional family dynamics, and doing psychological breakdowns of it. There’s some comfort in knowing we aren’t alone.
