#excerpt from a story ill never write

We sit across from one another, on the floor with our legs crossed

as if mirroring the way we acted as children could bring back our innocence.

A partially filled bottle of liquor is the only thing separating us.

It would be such a simple action to close the space

that is keeping me from your touch.

Everytime you breathe the scent of alcohol turns

my stomach, making it difficult to look at you.

Your voice is slurred almost beyond recognition as you tell me

that you do not think you could ever believe in love.

My heart becomes the heaviest thing in the room

as tears burn the corners of my eyes.

I unintentionally pull away at the sound of your words,

looking widely around for anything that is not you.

My lungs burn without oxygen as my chest painfully constricts and

I cannot force the breath from my lips much less words.

And my mind desperately searches for an

explanation to how we ended up like this.

Your hand quivers as you reach for the bottle your glossy eyes shining

with an eerie determination and I cannot do anything

but choke on any attempt to stop you.

- [i.r.]

[02.23.22.]

In the spaces between my fingers I found your name- like my hands will forever search for you.

- [i.r.]

[02.20.22.]

As memories swirl around my head I see

fragments of our broken love.

Perhaps we were more infatuated with

the damage we could cause each other,

somehow forgetting that

this was supposed to be love.

- [i.r.]

[01.28.22.]

There is an excruciating twisting in my chest

as I watch the love you once had for me

fade like the sky during a sunset.

Slowly then all at once.

- [i.r.]

[01.24.22.]

When I was growing up I wanted to be a lot of things.

I am fifteen years old and

my mind floods with ideas of becoming a therapist.

I know what it is like to hurt

so excruciatingly your entire body nearly implodes

with the strain of keeping it all in.

I am fifteen and all I want is to be one of

the good things in the world.

Suddenly two years had flashed by

without me even noticing.

I am seventeen and painfully notorious for

being unable to make decisions.

Though this was the year I made the biggest

decision of my life.

I decided I wanted to really live.

The years have been slipping by almost painfully fast,

I am nineteen now realizing for

the first time how many things

I’m good at, but not knowing how to build a life from them.

It’s hard to breathe with the pressure of deciding

Who I am- who I want to be.

Five years later I am still terrible

at making decisions.

I am unsure what I want to do with my life,

Though I know I want to be one of the good things in this world.

- [i.r.]

[01.23.22]

It is significantly easier to hate a monster than a human.

So we strip them of every redeeming characteristic while nullifying any ounce of humanity they once had.

-maybe we are the monsters

- [i.r.] // [01.15.21.]

I look at the water running down

the body I have convinced myself to hate.

The cascade of water temporarily washes away

more than dirt and not for the first time

I wonder why I despise this realm

that my soul has made home.

I wonder why I would take this land and

starve it of the nutrition that would make it thrive.

- [i.r.]

[12.03.21.]

I have become too many things I swore to myself I would never be.

- [i.r.]

[10.30.21.]

• Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide.

Hear me out my darling- before you go I have to say this:

I know everything around you is dark- other than the dazzling searchlight ahead of you.

I know they see you now- warning cries split through the air pleading for you to move.

I know you tried to cry out too- I heard it. I know you don’t think anyone did.

But I’m here now, aren’t I? Darling, I hear you- it’s going to be okay, please come here.

I know as the vibrations from the tracks intensify there will be a faction of doubt coursing through you.

And I am begging you to listen. I know you don’t want to die- you truly think this is a solution.

Darling, I am begging you, there is nothing in this world we can’t fix but I need you here.

I’ve been crying out for you- can’t you hear me? please come here.

- [i.r.]

[10.09.21.]

I think, in your effort to love me I broke something within you.

You wanted me to accept you loved me so desperately.

Only I was incapable-

Critically limited when it came to being loved.

Yet you tried so bitterly.

Now I wonder if loving me was the most painful thing you have done.

- I do not regret knowing you, I regret making you love me.

- [i.r.] //[09.24.21]

There are so many things I am dreaming we could be as I tell you I love you.

Only splintered fragments of my heart are slowly slipping into the hollow cavern of my stomach

as I’m looking at you like you could be forever

and you are looking at me like you do not know what that means.

- [i.r.]

[08.28.21.]

There is something deeply disturbing about how much sound gets lost in a silent room.

When the weight of the silence pulls partially formed words from your hollow throat.

- [i.r.]

[08.25.21.]

My fingertips clutch her shirt like I think she

will be ripped from me at any moment.

She calls me cute for this and I tell her

I always have to be holding something.

This isn’t a lie.

I have never known what to do with my hands.

Holding something grounds me,

makes me feel less awkward.

What I don’t tell her is that all of my other fears have

been overshadowed by the fear of losing her.

That I want to hold onto her until my heart stops beating.

- [i.r.]

[08.05.21.]

Nothing is made to last forever.

Some of us are profoundly lucky,

and get a lifetime with what we love.

I see the cracks in myself,

I see the cracks in you

as well my darling.

I hope more than anything

we will get a lifetime, you and I.

And maybe that is the closest to forever we need.

- [i.r.]

[07.31.21.]

I could tell you about him, what he did to me.

But I do not really think you want me to.

I could tell you about the first time.

I was eleven, the summer before sixth grade.

I could tell you he was older, and my parents trusted him.

That he was deemed suitable to supervise my brother and I when we went to the pool.

I could tell you when he pulled a bong out of his backpack.

Though I didn’t know what that was at the time.

I could tell you I watched as my brother filled his lungs with marijuana smoke.

Hidden in the corner without a security camera, blocked from the road by bushes.

I could tell you as I swam laps I wanted to smoke too.

That I did not understand what it was, I only wanted to seem cool.

I was eleven and I just wanted to mean something to someone.

I could tell you that he would grab my ankle as I swam past.

That he would pull me into his body.

Wrap himself around me until I had nowhere to go.

I could tell you I felt special when the older boy showed such interest in me.

That five years of his interest no longer made me feel special.

I could tell you how many times I tried to destroy myself because of him.

But I don’t really think you want me to.

- [i.r.]

[07.28.21.]

Killing your favourite character in your own story or fanfiction is a whole different kind of pain.

I will meet you there,

When the birds won’t be encaged anymore,

When the sun will go down,

At the dusk.

You are so perfectly imperfect, and we fit so perfectly together.

Selicia Ramirez

Do you know how hard it is not to fall for you?

The tails of my best friend and I (Selicia Ramirez)

I hate that your name reminds me of the love I could never have.

Selicia Ramirez