I would rather be alone than dragged down

with this collapsing illusion of love.

- [i.r.] // [05.20.22.]

With tear stains and white lies

You’re fumbling your alibis.

- [i.r.] // [05.06.22.]

No one taught you how to be wrong.

So you always expected to be right.

Can I really blame you for something

you were never capable of?

- [i.r.] // [04.27.22.]

From a young age our minds are filled with

false expectations that our lives must be

riveting, we must be grand to matter.

We learn how quickly people fade 

from every memory, thus starting a

desperate attempt to be eternal.

It is near effortlessly to inadvertently 

forget to love the softer aspects of life

in light of trying to create something endless.

Sometimes we all forget to live,

we let experiences pass by attempting

to manifest future happiness.

There is endless love in this world,

sometimes hiding in ways we may

never know, so easily missed out on.

We put so much pressure on ourselves

not to be forgotten and accidentally

forget what it is all for. 

-[i.r.]

[04.22.22.]

We sit across from one another, on the floor with our legs crossed

as if mirroring the way we acted as children could bring back our innocence.

A partially filled bottle of liquor is the only thing separating us.

It would be such a simple action to close the space

that is keeping me from your touch.

Everytime you breathe the scent of alcohol turns

my stomach, making it difficult to look at you.

Your voice is slurred almost beyond recognition as you tell me

that you do not think you could ever believe in love.

My heart becomes the heaviest thing in the room

as tears burn the corners of my eyes.

I unintentionally pull away at the sound of your words,

looking widely around for anything that is not you.

My lungs burn without oxygen as my chest painfully constricts and

I cannot force the breath from my lips much less words.

And my mind desperately searches for an

explanation to how we ended up like this.

Your hand quivers as you reach for the bottle your glossy eyes shining

with an eerie determination and I cannot do anything

but choke on any attempt to stop you.

- [i.r.]

[02.23.22.]

In the spaces between my fingers I found your name- like my hands will forever search for you.

- [i.r.]

[02.20.22.]

As memories swirl around my head I see

fragments of our broken love.

Perhaps we were more infatuated with

the damage we could cause each other,

somehow forgetting that

this was supposed to be love.

- [i.r.]

[01.28.22.]

There is an excruciating twisting in my chest

as I watch the love you once had for me

fade like the sky during a sunset.

Slowly then all at once.

- [i.r.]

[01.24.22.]

When I was growing up I wanted to be a lot of things.

I am fifteen years old and

my mind floods with ideas of becoming a therapist.

I know what it is like to hurt

so excruciatingly your entire body nearly implodes

with the strain of keeping it all in.

I am fifteen and all I want is to be one of

the good things in the world.

Suddenly two years had flashed by

without me even noticing.

I am seventeen and painfully notorious for

being unable to make decisions.

Though this was the year I made the biggest

decision of my life.

I decided I wanted to really live.

The years have been slipping by almost painfully fast,

I am nineteen now realizing for

the first time how many things

I’m good at, but not knowing how to build a life from them.

It’s hard to breathe with the pressure of deciding

Who I am- who I want to be.

Five years later I am still terrible

at making decisions.

I am unsure what I want to do with my life,

Though I know I want to be one of the good things in this world.

- [i.r.]

[01.23.22]

I look at the water running down

the body I have convinced myself to hate.

The cascade of water temporarily washes away

more than dirt and not for the first time

I wonder why I despise this realm

that my soul has made home.

I wonder why I would take this land and

starve it of the nutrition that would make it thrive.

- [i.r.]

[12.03.21.]

• Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide.

Hear me out my darling- before you go I have to say this:

I know everything around you is dark- other than the dazzling searchlight ahead of you.

I know they see you now- warning cries split through the air pleading for you to move.

I know you tried to cry out too- I heard it. I know you don’t think anyone did.

But I’m here now, aren’t I? Darling, I hear you- it’s going to be okay, please come here.

I know as the vibrations from the tracks intensify there will be a faction of doubt coursing through you.

And I am begging you to listen. I know you don’t want to die- you truly think this is a solution.

Darling, I am begging you, there is nothing in this world we can’t fix but I need you here.

I’ve been crying out for you- can’t you hear me? please come here.

- [i.r.]

[10.09.21.]

I think, in your effort to love me I broke something within you.

You wanted me to accept you loved me so desperately.

Only I was incapable-

Critically limited when it came to being loved.

Yet you tried so bitterly.

Now I wonder if loving me was the most painful thing you have done.

- I do not regret knowing you, I regret making you love me.

- [i.r.] //[09.24.21]

There are so many things I am dreaming we could be as I tell you I love you.

Only splintered fragments of my heart are slowly slipping into the hollow cavern of my stomach

as I’m looking at you like you could be forever

and you are looking at me like you do not know what that means.

- [i.r.]

[08.28.21.]

There is something deeply disturbing about how much sound gets lost in a silent room.

When the weight of the silence pulls partially formed words from your hollow throat.

- [i.r.]

[08.25.21.]

We as a society need to stop comparing personal relationships

with romanticized versions on screens.

The endings we have been conditioned

to strive for are not always achievable.

The boy may never change for you. The girl may never gain confidence.

We tear ourselves apart attempting to obtain a fairytale ending.

Sometimes people do not come back.

The flickering fire sometimes burns out in the home the two of you built.

And that is okay.

- [i.r.]

[08.21.21.]

Nicotine

You are my second father,

A father who I could relate with

A father who shared the same weakness

The one that I share my despondency with.

You are my second father,

The one who enlightens.

A father who I used to watch

Whenever he lights up a cigarette.

You are my second father,

The one that I used to be closed with.

The one that taught me ways to cope

The one that taught me not to smoke.

But now that I’m older,

You had started building walls.

Our conversations had reached to its end,

As you started flaming your nicotine.

I don’t have much to say now

But just like you, you know that I’m here too.

You might not be able to hear me right now

But please don’t leave me too.

My dear, my love━ I was never romantic;

Nor was I the person that’ll give you roses.

The first phrase might sound a bit dramatic;

But dear, thou art the reason my heart never close;

My love for you has nothing to compare with the words I wrote,

For you are aware that all of this were ne'er fiction.

Your words are the ones I quote;

Thou art the love of my life, wherever my life was position.

My dear, my love ━I guess I was romantic;

No matter the distance, the world is for us to conquer.

For you to be on arms would be ecstatic;

And to have and love you was the greatest honor.

There’s was never a day that I stopped thinking about thee,

And my love for you is the world to see.

I was hurting…

I was hurting, when you told me to snap out of it.

I was hurting, when you told me to fix myself.

I was hurting, when you told me that I’m selfish.

I was hurting, when you told me that I’m being dramatic

I was hurting, when you told me that it happens to everyone. As if mine is something that Shouldn’t matter.

I was hurting, when you refuse to listen

I was hurting, when you told me you’ll hurt me

I was hurting, when you told me that you didn’t care anymore

I was hurting , when you told me to stop crying

I was hurting, until you decide to listen to me. But then I lost my words when you told me that it was all my fault

As if I wanted it…

-@daisyinneptune2021

I wrote this poem for someone special…

Allie Smith

“I always knew that this is going to happen since those are one of the things, she often tells me. Rebelling against her religious mother is one of her favorite activities and one of them includes her random hook-ups with strangers without her mother’s knowledge. Married, cheaters, criminals, and maniacs. For every guy that fascinates her‒makes her want to fuck them immediately. And she doesn’t do this for the pleasure her body gets, rather it’s all for validation to prove her self-worth and acceptance.”

-Red Hair Woman by Michael Garmash

PS: I don’t own the pic.

not like other girls

was a title i coveted

but never earned.

i wrote off makeup,

i stopped talking about fairies and mermaids

to research superheroes.

i quit ballet in favor of taekwondo

but even in a plain white dobok and a brown tti,

dripping sweat and exhaustion

i was not enough.

i was vengeful in my frustration

notorious for the blood on my gloves—

we weren’t supposed to aim for the nose

but i was smaller and younger

and a good actress.

deep down i think i knew

i would never be like the girls

who weren’t like other girls,

and that made me wonder

what about other girls was so bad,

and why there were no boys

who weren’t like other boys.

i expected other girls to be what i’d seen on tv

and read in books,

but instead i was met with compliments,

kind eyes and genuine voices,

proclaiming boys were to be seen and not heard.

i learned that i was pretty

and i looked cute in pink

and the school confiscates pocketknives

but keys fit between your fingers.

i fell in love with other girls

when they took his sneer as a declaration of war,

unleashed their tongues like rabid dogs

in defense of girls they’d never spoken to

and flashed sharp grins

when their words bit hard enough

to reward them with tears.

i watched in awe

as other girls filed their nails into claws,

drove needles through their ears and noses

and lined their eyes with intimidation.

the judgement of their fathers

weighed down their bare shoulders

and adorned their short skirts

but every time he voiced it

their scissors took another inch off the bottom.

they were feral, and territorial,

they were disobedient and wanted blood,

they dressed how they wanted

and if you looked and didn’t like it

that was your problem.

i failed at not like other girls

because i met other girls

and i remembered my breath was fire

and my teeth dripped venom,

my hair was a nest of snakes

and my gaze was stone;

they knew i was a gorgon

years before i did

and now i’ve finally

become one.

cast your eyes upon me

and fall into devotion,

revel in the masterpiece that is my being

and wait helplessly

as addiction crawls up your limbs,

long for me,

touch me

and find that my skin

was carved from marble,

wonder

in your love-drunk adoration

which sculptor could have hewn

something so masterful

stand before me

and discover why

my gaze entrances the sun

and my voice bewitches the moon,

perceive me

and empathize

with the planets

as they compete to capture my interest

and the northern lights

as they pray for my attention

brush your hands along my thighs

and know

that my flesh is coiled lightning

and my bones contain the east wind,

grasp my hands

and bear witness

to the vast expanse of past and future

written in the swirls of my fingerprints

and the lines of my palms,

press your ear to my chest

and behold thunder.

caress the folds of my stomach

and know that i am made of mountains

that my muscles were knitted

from the same roots

that strangle boulders

and win,

learn the map of my veins

and be warned;

inside them surges saltwater

stolen from the deepest trenches of the sea

i cry seafoam

and spit the blood of men

who wronged me.

the universe is an artist

that makes itself in my image

every new nebula another attempt

at painting the wildfire that rages within me

and when my body does decay

all creation will rot

beside me.