#free write

Margarita Karapanou

Battling her Demons

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

She was free for 8 months.

She let all her scars heal.

Trying the find herself.

Trying to find happiness.

Battling her demons everyday.

Some days, worse than others.

8 months, she was free.

Until the night, she lost the battle with her demons.

All she could do was cry.

She tried to push them away but they ate at her.

When it came time for bed, the demons taunted her.

She laid there crying. Soaking her pillow with her tears.

The person next to her sound asleep.

She thought to herself, she just needed one good cry.

Being asked where she was going, she simply replied “to get a drink”.

No one came to check on her, no one followed her.

She sat in the dark in silence. Curled up in a ball, fighting each demon that came at her.

The thought crossed her mind, but she knew he would be disappointed in her.

Staring at his number for what seemed like hours, she sat her phone down.

2 hours later she remains in a ball, crying tears for all the hurt, pain, betrayal she had felt.

The demons still battling her. Until she felt worthless, unloved, and uncomfortable in her own body.

The battle with the demon was lost.

Just one knick, she needed to feel something other than pain.

She was 8 months free from battling her demons.

Now she starts again.

She’s 2 hours free from her demons.

The next battle, she will be tougher, and she will win.

-RB

Avoiding the Narcissist

She did her best to avoid him.

His job, his boss, and him, all being close to her family, made it harder than she realized.

Having to have her car fixed at his job, he found that opportunity to try to talk to her.

She avoided him at all costs.

The day after getting her car fixed, she found herself back at his job.

Her car was not fixed.

Knowing the owner, she asked who fixed it, and of course it was him.

Asking the owner for a new mechanic, that she wanted him nowhere near her car.

So he started to come into her work.

Being avoided, he did what he could to make a scene.

Learning from a new coworker, she dated him too.

Both learning of his deceit, They found they were dating him at the same time.

They BOTH had a key to his house, at the same time.

Anytime she was out, she learned he had told everyone she was his.

Nobody dared to ask her out, except one.

Being a small town, he learned of the date.

Texting her non stop during the date until she turned off her phone.

When she turned it back on, she was 32 text messages and 8 missed calls, from him.

Claiming to have some of her clothes, she met him in a public parking lot.

As soon as she saw him, he started antagonizing her about her date. Asking if she slept with him, and if he was better than he was. That he “knows how she is”.

She walked away to her car, but he was there beside her. Grabbing and pulling her arm and holding her against the car.

She yelled to let go, and got in her car as soon as he did, but not before he had took her keys.

He admitted to not having her clothes, he just had to see her.

After he told her he can’t love her like he can, he let her go.

Shortly a text to her, telling her he slept with her friend that dropped his key off. Assuming that’s why she was “pissy”.

But she had in fact, had no idea of the betrayal.

The texting never stopped.

He somehow knew where she always was.

They ran into each other at a concert one night. Trying to pull her into the bathroom.

She went and found her current date, telling him of the incident.

He just held her. He knew what her past was like.

She then saw his glare in the colorful lights, before a message appeared on her phone.

Telling her shes a bitch for trying to make him jealous. And that I’d be back to him.

Soon after, he used his kids to his advantage.

Telling her his daughter kept asking for her, and where she went and why she left her.

She loved his kids, and he knew that.

Days after trying to guilt trip her with the kids.

She finally gave in when she was sent a video of his daughter crying for her.

Wanting to tell her she’d always care for her and that she did nothing wrong.

To her surprise, he was alone.

His daughter had left for her moms already.

He failed to tell her that before arriving.

She knew where this night would go.

-RB

Early fall with the Narcissist

He kept his distance for 2 weeks.

Finding the words that would draw her back. He needed her, loved her, they were meant to be.

Playing depressed for all to see.

She soon gave in.

Being told he wanted them official, and a key to his house.

It wasn’t long before the real him came out, again.

Continuing to choose what she wore.

Giving her a curfew of Midnight or not to bother coming home.

She obliged what he said.

Arriving ten minutes late, he filled her eyes with tears, and degraded her.

She kept a distance for a week.

Every night him asking who she was taking home.

Ben & Jerry’s, and Matthew McConaughey was not the right answer.

She found him at her work, at the end of her shifts, just so he could verify her whereabouts and who she was leaving with.

He started to refuse to take her anywhere, not wanting to be seen with her.

Her friends tried to get her out, But he alienated her from them.

Saying she needed better friends and they weren’t real friends.

A family emergency arose, she left his house and drove the 5 miles to the Hospital.

He began to text her. Telling her if he meant anything to her, she’d come home. That she loved everyone else more than him. Giving her an hour to return home.

She replied with telling him she wasn’t happy.

By the time she made it back, she found him sitting on the couch.

His guns laying all around him, cleaning them one by one, it’s nearly midnight.

All he spoke, was telling her to sit in the chair.

She did.

Silence surrounded her. She began to cry, as he began to yell.

Calling someone to let them know she needed help getting her things, he took her phone and threatened anyone that came near his home or me. Before turning her phone off and telling her it’s time for bed.

She laid in that bed, muffling her cries, while he told her to suck it up. Laying there, while he had his way with her. He didn’t take no for an answer.

One sound of a snore, and she crawled from the bed, and crawled to the front door.

3am and she was free.

Having a friend drop his house key off the next day, she couldn’t return there, she couldn’t face him.

She didn’t want to see him,

And for awhile. She didn’t.

-RB

A Summer with a Narcissist

It started as everything she had wanted.

Weekends together, watching their favorite shows on thursdays,

Endless laughter and smiles.

One month in, it all began to change.

He started to press her daily about moving in with him.

Weekends turning into nights on the town.

Just happening to run into each other while out. But he knew she was vulnerable.

At the end of the night, she’d end up in his bed, like she always did.

He said it’s where she belonged.

Every day she found herself in tears.

He started to change the way she dressed. Not for himself, but so no one would look at her.

A hoodie and jeans he deemed okay, even in the late summer.

She walked into the small town bar one night.

Him dancing with someone she didn’t recognize.

She ignored it as she made her way to the bar, she needed a tall drink.

That drink to be knocked over and spilled on her.

An apologetic man, offering to buy her another and asking for a dance for spilling her drink.

She politely declined. But to no avail, her guy was on the other side of him.

Not hearing her decline his offer.

All she felt next was his hand slapped across her face, across her newly pierced lip that he made known he hated.

She stormed out, needing to breathe, needing air, and to gather what just happened.

An hour later, everyone descends from the bar.

Two girls she’s seen before, stopping to tell her that her guy was behind the bar, and trust them and just go look.

By the time she arrived around back, he was alone. Fixing his pants and wiping his mouth.

She was done.

Trying to leave the parking lot, she was ambushed.

Learning he was still married, and not yet divorced.

Pointing the girl out he had just pleasured moments before.

Grabbing her arm to stop her, he was apologizing for the slap to her face.

That he didn’t like when she spoke to other guys.

Always assuming she was going home with someone else every night.

You would think she would have learned by now.

But she was naive.

She knew the narcissistic monster would win, again.

But that night, she stood her ground.

For just that night, she felt free.

But she wasn’t free of his grip on her, not yet.

-RB

I’m not entirely sure where I lost myself.

I abandoned my old self,

But my own ghost still haunted me.

I was the type of person,

To hold onto things too tight.

I always thought holding on,

Was worth the pain it takes.

In loosing things, I’d lose apart of me too.

I would become someone, my heart no longer knew.

Striving to find my way, I had nothing left.

Just Broken pieces that I tried to mend.

My biggest mistake was losing myself, to love you.

Come to think of it,

I’m not entirely sure I ever had myself.

-RB

Meeting The Narcissist

One night, I go out with a few coworkers. It’s only my second time at a bar, had I just turned 21 recently, And needed a night out.

After sleeping off the fun I had the night before. I see a message request.

Asking if I was at the bar last night.

Telling me I’m beautiful, and how he tracked down the girls I was with because he had to know my name.

I had no memory of seeing him anywhere that night.

An hour passed until I was back in service. To find your messages.

Back to back, asking me where I was and why it took so long.

Red flag #1 that I ignored.

Begging me to come see him at his house. This man I didnt know.

Instead, I settled for a phone call.

Hours of talking, and being a small town, he knew my family.

Realizing I’ve met him before. Numerous times in fact when I was younger.

I agreed to meet at the bar he saw me at one night. Thought a casual meet in public was acceptable.

Upon arriving, he greets me at the door and walks me in.

I excuse myself to the restroom before finding a seat.

A girl I didn’t know walks in, and approaches me.

She mentions she saw who i walked in with and tells me “He’s not a good guy, you should steer clear of him” and then walked out the door.

Red flag #2 ignored.

I figured a jealous ex.

I walk out and he sits us at the bar next to a girl, his sister.

I ask for water since I have to drive home.

After awhile, he disappears somewhere and I’m left with his sister and her boyfriend.

They begin ordering shots.

I can’t find him anywhere.

I attempt to get up, and his sister gives me a shot, so I oblige.

Trying to get up again, I’m stopped by another round of shots.

I precede to say I have to drive, and the sister goes to texting on her phone.

Next he appears, literally out of nowhere, and tells me there’s plenty of time, enjoy myself and then just drink water towards the end of the night.

So I take the shot and he vanishes again.

The sister and boyfriend feeding me shots after shots. Appearing once and says to have fun and if needed he can drive my car home and have someone bring him home. That he wasn’t drinking anymore. After all, I only seen him take 1 shot.

I called it quits several shots later and go to find him.

Standing up, realizing the shots hit me harder than I thought, and that I haven’t ate all day, the room spins around me.

He appears with an older lady, and introduces his mom to me.

I say I’m going outside to cool off and I’m ready to leave when he is.

He tells me he’s too drunk to drive my car and he had got dropped off there earlier, but his mom can drive my car to his house. Then once sober I can go home, or sleep on the couch if I wish.

After declining against it, that I will just sober up in my car then drive home.

He brings up my family and how they wouldn’t like that he let me sit outside a bar alone.

So I give in. His mother driving my car to his house, she sits awhile with us until her ride comes to get her.

Then were left alone.

Not knowing this one night would change my life.

-RB

“When you’ve been with someone for so long, you fall into a rhythm, a pattern consisting of familiarity. Familiarity is great. It is the most important part of any relationship. At the same time, there are also some bad things about falling into patterns, some habits that can consume happiness and become destructive and self-sabotaging.

No relationship will be at a consistency of one-hundred percent happiness. And again, that’s okay, it’s fine. But once the contentment slowly slips away and all that remains is the familiarity that doesn’t feel genuine anymore, that’s a horrible sign. Suddenly, your partner isn’t satisfied doing the same things over and over again. Suddenly, the unsatisfactory allows itself into the relationship and complicates love languages and what the relationship lacks. Suddenly, nothing feels right and the unhappiness constantly makes the relationship feel heavier.

But it’s not always going to be hard. There will be good days. The love is felt and the connection stronger than it has been in a long time. But when bad begins to cover the good, it appears that there has been no good to begin with. That’s entirely wrong. Good has always remained, underneath the struggles. Where there’s positivity and hope, that’s the sign to keep fighting, to keep improving, to keep listening and changing.

Nothing is perfect, which is a constant reminder these days. The habits of patterns can be broken and there can be a time to refresh and start over. The unhappiness and unsatisfactory will someday fade and all that will remain is the constant love you have for them and a wonderful future of hardships and challenges yet to come.”

—S.V//Patterns//@sempiternal.poet on Instagram



Emily Brontë - Wuthering Heights

old paperbacks, messy hair, mismatched socks, disorganized playlists, kisses on collarbone, smeared mascara, crumpled paper, art galleries, museums, rainy sunsets and gothic architecture, coffee, studying under dim light

i play hide-and-seek with love.

sometimes it cowers in the

cramped corners of my mind,

and sometimes it runs freely

through my veins.

-shelby leigh