#going crazy
Maybe I was wrong …
I’m starting to believe I was mistaken when I choose my job. I was so sure, I liked it so much before …
But, it’s the first time I do it for real and I screw up all the time, and I have a boss who reminds me that I screw up all the time (whether it’s actually my fault or not).
Here the thing, i’m an assistant producer, it’s what I wanted to do, I did six, barely paid, interships before, then I was unemployed for a year (I did small jobs to pay my rent, but I could not find anything in my line of work). Originally, I wanted to work in movies or television but it’s really hard to find a job (even with the diplomas and experiences), so I diversify my research and I find a job! Yay ! It’s only part-time, but why not, it actually gives me time to work (for free, but I don’t mind) on other project with friends.
So I work in a dance company, not my field at all, but the job is very similar. Basically I have to organize everything. Buy train and plane tickets, hotel room, book trucks, draw contracts… Make sure everyone is where they’re suppose to be on time and they have all the intels they might need. My job is to make sure the artist have everything they need to do their job.
I use to love it.
Then I started this job, in October, I made a few mistake, as you do when you start somewhere and you don’t know the ropes. My boss was kinda friendly but insisted on reminding me I was making mistakes and telling other for no particular reasons. It’s a small company, just my boss, the choreographer and me.
The thing is, we are now in January, I’ve been working there for over 3 months, and I feel like I still make a lot of mistakes, that sometimes cost money to the company (not a lot) so I understand the blame, but I’m starting to wonder. Maybe they shouldn’t give me responsabilities or anything remotely important to do.
I feel sometime like I don’t understand my boss well, we don’t seem to be able to communicate, I keep misunderstanding things she asks me to do. She also blames me for things I’m not responsable for sometime or tells me she asked me to do something when she didn’t and then blames me for not doing it.
But I did screw up, it’s true, a few times, and I don’t understand why it keeps happening. Am I actually bad at my job ? Maybe I was wrong, maybe it’s not the job for me. If that the case, I really don’t know what I will do ‘cause I can’t see myself going back to school (I don’t even think I could because of money) and I don’t know what other job I could do, I don’t think I’m any good at anything in particular.
It’s really starting to get to me, pretty bad, I kinda fear going to work, because I know I’m gonna make a mistake and I’m gonna get reprimanded again, or maybe I’ll do everything right and still get reprimanded. Gosh, I feel so crappy about this shit.
Thank god I have an amazing boyfriend, who is always keeping my spirits up, telling me not to care, to just do my job as best as I can and that my boss is an ass (she isn’t really, she’s really strict and a bit … I don’t know, something. But anyway it’s kinda nice to ear). But he also has a really crappy job so we make quite a pair when we start talking about work.
I don’t know, I wish I had more self knowledge of what I can or can’t do, I wish I was more confident. I’d like to be able to ignore my boss when she being unfair and when she is being fair to ear her and get better. But it seems like her reprimands just makes things worst … I don’t know …
I wanna quit, I know I can’t really, but some days I just wanna stay in my bed with my computer watching movies and TV shows. I wish I was excited to go to work or at least not dread it.
Maybe I’m just a spoiled stupid girl who wanted to work in movies but with zero talent or abilities for it, who doesn’t know how to work and complains all the time … I don’t know … I guess I just wish things were I little bit easier.
Sorry about that, I’m going a little bit crazy and needed to write it down somewhere. Don’t mind me.
August 19, 2020
I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend… my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do…
