#relationship issues
October 5, 2021
Why am I so unhappy? Postpartum depression maybe. Literally nothing makes me happy but my son. He’s the o my thing that being hot into my life. But besides that if I’m not around him or if he’s sleeping I’m miserable. That’s how I feel 90% of the time even is he is up and about laughing which I love to see him doing there’s still this sadness deep down underneath that smile. My baby doesn’t make me sad or unhappy. I know what is it sort of. Recently I’m expressed my feelings or sadness on to my so called partner. The conversation started off with him asking me what’s wrong because I guess I’d been moping around all day. I told him that I haven’t been happy lately and he told me yes I have. I told him I was not happy and he asked why. I didn’t know how to properly put my answer into words so I tried my best. “I just need a break.” He took this to heart thinking that I meant from him but what I really meant was from everything. I’m a mom 24/7 and he’s a dad less then half of that, I need time to myself to figure out who I am again. I expressed this to him and all he said was okay. Okay. And this was weeks ago, he still hasn’t even tried to put in any effort to make me happy. I feel so alone. I have to fake being happy around everyone because I don’t want to seem like I don’t know I’m just a sad sap but I am. I cry every night and he doesn’t notice. And for me to actually think I was in love with him. I fouled myself. I loved him and I still do but I’m not or ever have been in love with him. He was right when I was pregnant and he said we barely knew each other. I will never regret my baby NEVER but I do regret who I had a baby with. I wish he was more caring and actually took what I wanted into consideration. “Oh baby I see that you’re overwhelmed with taking care of the baby. Let me wash the bottles and clean up the room.” No it’s never that. I do everything! I wash the babies clothes, I clean his bottles, I bath him, I dress him, I make his doctors appointments, I put him under my insurance, I get him everything he needs, I feed him, I wake up in the middle of the night to change him, I put him to sleep, I clean up after all of us. Best part is I came to love with him and his family, so we’re staying in his bedroom. I try to clean to you the room and he gets upset about me straightening up. What kind of… you know what? Never mind. I just want to happy and feel appreciated. I’m freaking tired of being sad. I need my own space, my own home for me and my son because I can’t rely on his dad to do anything for us. And honestly I don’t know why I’m going so hard tonight maybe because I’m just up thinking when everyone else is sound asleep. Anyway I’m about to go cry again.
March 4, 2021
Okay I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I don’t want speak to any of my close friends or family about it. Mostly because I might only feel this way because I’m pregnant and I don’t want to them to get the wrong idea of my boyfriend. But anyway first let me say this, I love him, I love my boyfriend very much. He makes me so happy… but only to a certain extent. I makes me happy sexually, when we joke around and when we’re just happy in general. But when we comes to serious things in our relationship he just shuts down and goes quite. I thought relationships were about the good and the bad? And what makes things worse is that I’m working but he isn’t. And I won’t be working for much longer because I have to have my baby in July so everything will be on him for awhile. We also still haven’t moved out, and I’m still technically homeless. I just wish I had the money to get my own apartment, my own place to stay were my child and I will be comfortable and safe. I’m honestly thinking about starting a go-fund me since my job is barely paying to anything. I have other bills that need to be paid also, so I really think a go fund me would help out a lot. But who would help? I really don’t know but it won’t hurt to try right? But on a lighter note, guess what?! I am now 19 weeks! And I’ll be 20 weeks on Sunday! It just hit me, I can’t believe I’ll actually be someone’s mother soon.. I really hope I’m a good mom. And I hope my baby loves me as much as I love it. I can feel it moving sometimes. It feels like little butterflies in there. I’m checking to find out the gender next week, and just to get a check up because your girl finally got insurance!!! I’m so happy! But that’s all I have for today. Talk to you later!
August 19, 2020
I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend… my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do…
August 9, 2020
Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”… what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound…. I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.
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