Two decades after he told the story of NASA’s most successful failure, Ron Howard is going back into space with the galaxy far, far away’s most iconic smuggler. (Photo: National Geographic)
IMAGINE: BEING A BOUNTY HUNTER, AND GETTING CAUGHT UP IN ONE OF HAN’S SMUGGLING DEALS GONE WRONG.
You had your own business to attend to, but you should’ve known that nothing ever goes smoothly the second Han Solo is involved. The smuggler is infamous, even to you, a bounty hunter who rarely crosses paths with him, but before you can even try plotting an escape, all hell has already broken loose.
Blaster fire erupts throughout the ship, a clear indicator that whatever deal Han’s involved in is going awry. You whip out your own blaster, ducking down to avoid getting shot, and you grit your teeth as you cast a glare over to Han, who’s taken cover a short distance away from you. You fire off a few shots before yelling at Han, “You just keep getting into trouble, don’t you, Solo?”
“Hey, it wasn’t my fault!” Han yells back, pulling out his blaster, and you can’t help but roll your eyes.
Obviously at one point in time all their faces were being plastered across the galaxy for assorted bounties, but I like to think that as time goes on post-RotJ, Leia goes and becomes the extremely recognizable President of the New Republic, Luke becomes the still fairly-recognizable Grand Master of the Jedi Order (even if it’s mostly because of the robes/lightsaber), and Han becomes the galactic equivalent of Tony Hawk, who is still extremely famous but absolutely no one realizes it because his Just Some Guy energy is off the charts.
He’ll be out in public and something will prompt him to make an offhand comment about having been in the Rebel Alliance and people will be like “Oh, you were in the Rebellion? That’s so cool. Did you ever know anyone important? Like President Organa-Solo?” and he’ll wearily snap “THAT’S MY WIFE!!”
At least one assassination attempt on Leia’s life has been thwarted because the person planning on slipping something in her drink at an important function started chatting with him as cover not realizing who they were talking to and he sensed something was fishy before they could slip away.
One day he goes to the Jedi Temple to pick up his kids from a training thing and a new-ish Jedi recruit who’s alittle too overzealous about security calls Luke in to make sure he’s the right guy, and when Luke shakes his head and, holding back laughter, very seriously says “No, I’ve never seen that man in my life” Han just looks him dead in the eye and replies “We were alone on Hoth, kid. I should’ve killed you when I had the chance.”
Chewbacca is now the most famous Wookie in the galaxy. Fans will come over and try and have long conversations with Chewie, asking “your friend here ” to translate.
The moment Han realizes he’s become 3-PO, the look of horror on his face makes Leia laugh until she cries.
Anakin Skywalker: This guy fucks. But before he married Padme he would always call out her name when cumming. It made every hookup awkward. Maybe worth it because he does go down for hours. LOVES it when his hair is pulled. Obvi choking is his 1# kink.
Obi Wan Kenobi: this guy FUCKS. Bisexual whore trope at it’s finest. fatass big dick and knows how to use it. Has pegged and will get pegged. Somehow hasn’t fucked at least 1 person on every single planet though. All for things to happen “naturally” as he explains. Still witty and talkitive during sex.
Cassian Andor: Pretends he fucks but doesn’t. Actually looking for a committed relationship. Very sweet in bed. Lots of praise and kisses. Fingers like an old lesbian woman ho goes to the new york bars every night (aka very fucking well). likes eating ass for breakfast.
Luke Skywanker: Virgin and everyone knows it. probably was in a BDSM relationship at one point, and he was definitely the sub. Bratty asf, needs praise, will do whatever you want tho. Trims because he looks at his own dick. Once sucked himself off. Masterbates like 2 times a day.
Han Solo: Every thought I have on this man would get me canceled. hard skip. He probably has a big drawer of sex toys and bondage.
Mando / Din Djarin: Virgin with a huge god damn dick. lasts forever, makes a lot of noise (mostly whimpers). Did i mention he was a massive dick? Will finger you with his gloves on then wipe your cum on his cape. Will fuck in every corner of his ship. Big fan of cumming on your face.
Poe Dameron: CLEAN SHAVED, BIG, THICK DICK. Curved a bit too. Aka every woman, man, and thems dream. He doesn’t last too long but foreplay with him is a whole day event. Will cum in the ass as a type of birth control.
Finn: Idk this guy liked getting his dick sucked. Everywhere. Nervous asf but still likes the danger of being seen. Totally not secretly wants a threesome with Poe and his next hookup. Doggy Style is a must. he’s too self conscious about himself to face you. mega Dom after a few years under his belt.
Kylo Ren: If you’re reading this you probably already know. big master dom. Got into it from myspace when he was a teen and never got out. Has a whole sex dungeon in every ship he’s on. Loves using toys, especially big vibrators. hair pulling and choking kink just like his grandpa. likes an obedient switch as his play thing. trimmed but not shaved. lowkey big dick but he really doesn’t care.
Summer is almost here! And that means pools, beaches and fun in the sun! What kind of suit will you be rocking? One of my favorites in this Han Solo suit by Black Milk clothing! This photo is also a sneak peek for a set shot by Posh Portraits for the upcoming summer issue of The STNDRD magazine!
“No,” she cries. “No, come back! Come back! Come back!”
But he doesn’t come back. Instead, he gets smaller, and she gets taller, tall enough that she forgets his name, forgets her brother’s, forgets her uncle’s, and forgets the sight of her parents’ faces.
Sana Starros in latest excerpt from Last Shot: A Han and Lando Novel
“What was that—” Han yelled, and then a blaster shot shrieked through the air from the doorway.
Han was on the floor before he’d realized he’d jumped for cover. Above him, Maz dished out rushed commands as the few patrons left screamed and ducked under tables. Sana flew past, let off two shots toward the door, and glared at Han. “You coming?”
Another shot fizzed and then thunked against the bar right by Han’s head. “Coming!” he yelled, hopping up and dashing for the back exit behind Sana. “Who did you piss off now?” he demanded as they broke out into the thick Takodanan night.
“Bounty hunters,” Sana said. “Mean ones.”
“Is there a nice kind?”
The wall beside Han exploded, showering them both with debris as they hurtled out of the way. “That wasn’t a regular blaster,” Han said, glancing up. A cruel reptilian face glared out from the lit doorway. “You got us tangled up with a Trandoshan?”
“I told you it was mean bounty hunters,” Sana said.
The creature raised his mortar launcher and then something huge clobbered him from behind. Frapsen. All six of the Fromprath’s arms ensnarled the bounty hunter as the two tumbled forward in a clutter of curses and howls. Three more figures tumbled out of Maz’s place, blasters blazing.
“Go!” Sana yelled. “Now!”
They bolted down a quiet side street, cut a hard left, and crossed the main square toward the starship bay. The whole world had snapped perfectly into focus as soon as those blaster shots rang out, and now the hours leading up to it just seemed like a painful haze.
“The Falcon ready?” Sana asked.
“Always, sister. Always.”
“Are you, though?”
“Usually, sister. Usually.”
They made their way between a Gungan freighter and two corvettes, ducked around the landing gear of someone’s poorly parked shuttle, and then dashed up the gangplank of the Falcon.
“Chewie!” Han yelled, stepping over some old clothes and a small pile of—What was that? Bottles of something—and barreling toward the cockpit. “Chewie, where are you? We gotta—”
The engines rumbled to life as Han slid into the seat beside his furry copilot. “Well, there you are,” he muttered, clicking on the navicomputer and prepping the hyperdrive. “What took you so long?”
Chewie barked with annoyance and then yelped, pointing. The bounty hunters had stormed into the bay, and a slew of shots peppered the Falcon along with the ships around it.
“Sana!” Han yelled over his shoulder. “We’re gonna need you on—”
Blasts splattered out from the Falcon, scattering the bounty hunters.
“—cannons,” Han finished. “Well, all right then. Glad to see everyone’s making themselves at home.” He pulled the accelerator and let the roaring engines fill him. Space awaited, that impossible vastness, as empty as his heart, where he could be perfectly free.
As long as they didn’t get blown up on the way out.
More blasts rocked the Falcon as they circled into the sky and then shot over the ancient spirals of Maz’s castle and dancing lights in Nymeve Lake.
“What in the stars did you steal, Sana?” Han demanded as they zoomed out of Takodana’s gravity pull and out into space.
A chuckle crackled over the comm. “About that …”
Chewie let out another growl of warning as three dots appeared on the radar screen.
“Yeah, one of ’em was a Trandoshan,” Han said. “Why?”
Chewie snarled and pushed a button.
“Why are we slowing down?” Sana yelled over the comm.
“Good question, Chewie,” Han snapped. “Why are we slowing down?”
The Falcon rocked as the approaching ships released a barrage of laserfire.
“Chewie!” Han yelled.
The Wookiee slammed both fists on the control panel and roared.
“No, we can’t turn around,” Han said. “I don’t care what the Trandoshans did to the Wookiees. Okay, easy, easy! Of course I care what they did, but we can’t deal with that right now, Chewie. We’ve got cargo to deliver, and payment to collect, and we also don’t have the firepower it would take to go head-to-head with these guys. Okay?”
Chewie grumbled and the Falcon blasted forward.
“I promise we can go after those reptilian freaks some other time, all right?”
Chewie yelped.
“And anyway,” Sana said over the comm, “those two ships with him …”
“TIE fighters?” Han yelled, gaping at the monitor. “Chewie, make the jump! I’ve had it with this—” The Falcon shook, cockpit lights flickering as several alarms bleeped out at once. “Chewie, get us out of here!”
Chewie roared, slamming the control panels. The stars slid into elongated stripes toward them and Han exhaled for what felt like the first time in hours.
Chewbacca muttered something under his breath and Han shook his head. “You ain’t kidding.” He clicked on the comm. “Sana!”
“You don’t have to yell,” Sana said, poking her head into the cockpit. “I’m right here.”
Han and Chewie both spun around and glared at her. “You have some explaining to do.”
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