#incorrect snape quotes

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Snape: Dumbledore won’t let me quit :/

McGonagall:I thought you needed this job?

Snape: I need a job. I should’ve just taken up the opportunity to become this guy’s butler. That’s only one child and he can barely speak yet.

zealouspickleeggdragon:

Lucius: My dear, I’m afraid we cannot mansplain manipulate manwhore our way out of this.

Snape[pulls out knife]: Manslaughter it is.

Hey do you like Snape? Me too!

Do you think Snape cares about the environment?? I do!

Doyou care about the environment? Great!

Now that that is sorted could you do me a massive favour and participate in her survey about perceptions of environmental impacts for her university dissertation?

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Thanks

Lupin:Will you go out with me?

Snape:Nah.

Lupin:I have a good heart.

Snape:I don’t need a transplant.

Snape:Yeah I’ll probably die alone.

Waiter:No Sir I said “will you be diningalone”.

Snape:Oh…

Lucius:DO NOT TOUCH ME!

Snape: It’s just me calm down.

Lucius:Oh, I’m sorry Severus, you know what I’m like when I comes to clothes.

Lucius:Remember that time I pushed a toddler infront of a hippogriff because he was standing on my Topshop voucher?

Snape:Yes, I believe that poor Draco still has the scar.

Snape:(Rambling on about lacewing flies)

Remus:*affectionately* You’re kinda weird, you know that?

Snape:I like being weird. Weirds all I’ve got.

Snape:That, and my sweet style.

Remus:True. All that black is iconic.

i-am-a-were-remus:

Harry Potter: How do you want to be remembered? 

Hermione Granger: If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet? 

Ron Weasley: What ice-cream flavours do you love/hate? 

Hagrid: If you could breed two totally different animals together, what new animal would you create? 

Dumbledore: What is your most treasured possession? 

Voldemort: On the first day of ruling the world, what would you do? 

Fred Weasley: If you were told you only had one week left to live, what would you do? 

George Weasley: If you could read minds, whose would you want to read? 

Draco Malfoy: Do you like yourself? 

Ginny Weasley: What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity? 

Neville Longbottom: What’s your fondest memory?  

Luna Lovegood: What are your favorite lyrics? 

Severus Snape: Of all your pet-peeves, which is the strangest? 

Remus Lupin: What is your greatest fear? 

James Potter: If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be? 

Lily Potter: Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? 

Sirius Black: What are your views on sex? 

Tonks: if you could be anyone else for a day, fictional or non-fictional who would you be any why? 

McGonagall: What do you believe I am thinking right now? 

Bellatrix: three words would others probably use to describe you? 

Lucius Malfoy: Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? 

Molly Weasley: What do you define as a family? 

Arthur Weasley: If you could have any career possible, what would it be? 

Peter Pettigrew: If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? 

Umbridge: If you could choose, how would you want to die? 

Colin Creevey: Who inspires you? 

Dean Thomas: Are you generally organised or messy? 

Seamus Finnigan: What makes you laugh? 

Dudley Dursley: Who is the person you despise the most, and why? 

Vernon Dursley: Who is the most important person in your life, and why? 

Petunia Dursley: How close are you to your family? 

Victor Krum: What is your favorite form of exercise? 

Dobby: Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

I know these are kinda old but I’m bored and procrastinating when I should really be reading up on criminal trials so send me some asks if you want to know some random shit about me

Snape:I don’t like people

Lily:Well, that’s not fair, Sev. Have you met all of them?

Snape: I’ve met enough of them … people … what a bunch of bastards

Jesus Christ self-isolating is boring I need a holiday from my family


Stay safe. Stay home.

(Bursting through the doors late to an Order meeting looking like death warmed over)

Snape:Sorry I’m late.

Sirius:You look like awful, I mean more awful than you usually look, which is quite an accomplishment.

Lupin:How much sleep did you get?

Snape:8

Lupin:What hours?

Snape:… minutes

McGonagall:I heard that you had another run in with Remus again. What has he done to piss you off this time?

Snape:Oh nothing. I’m fine. I was just being dramatic. It’s what I do.

Hermione:Okay so I just logged on the the Cloud as Professor Snape and clicked ‘forgotten password’ and answered his security questions.

Hermione:First up: What is God?

It’s a national lockdown, I’m self-isolating, it’s the weekend, and I have nothing to do so probs gonna spam this account

Snape, storming out of his job interview: This place is fucking awful, I’m so glad I don’t work here.

Dumbledore to McGonagall: Him. I want him.

After Bellatrix tries to curse him

Snape: The only way I’m going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Snape, needing to leave for a DE meeting: Tell you what, I’m going to sleep on it and we will talk about it in the morning.

McGonagall: Severus, you’re rushing me out of the room.

Snape, shooing her towards the door: No, I’m not.

McGonagall: Do you have a girl coming over?

Snape: What’s a girl? I have a potion I want to brew. Good night.

Snape: One of my mentors is wise and kind and fierce and powerful beyond measure.

Snape: And the other is Albus.

Snape: Madam Umbridge, good to see you. But if you’re here, who’s guarding Hades?

Dumbledore: Oh, here’s a berry pie, this one’s a sweet one it’s called ‘berry suprise’. Minerva every year wins a price for this, so you enjoy. Actually we’re gonna eat it in front of her so she can see your good work, go ahead and give that a try, my boy.

Snape, mouth full: That’s very good.

McGonagall: Yes, the suprise is rum.

Snape: I think the Dark Lord fabricated his own death.

Dumbledore: Do you know how difficult it is to fake your own death? Only one man has pulled it off…

Snape:

Dumbledore: Elvis.

James: Snape. Imposter who soiled our paradise with his moral turpitude.

Severus: ‘Sup?

Harry, at the end of book 3: But that’s censorship.

Snape: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go.

Dumbledore: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas

Dumbledore, watching Snape and McGonagall almost kill each other over the quidditch results: But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.

Severus, trying to have a serious conversation: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are-

Lucius, crying: It’s not a joke! I’m a legit snack!

Snape, lost in the forbidden forest: There are some advantages in being in a wilderness and one is the absence of dirty children.

Snape: Now, you two sit tight, I’m gonna go murder Albus, and I’ll be right back.

Snape: Let me take this opportunity to advise all our new students to keep their guard up, watch their back.

Snape: Oh, speaking of pupils who need to watch their back, I’d like to introduce Harry Potter.

Regulus: This is terrible. What am I supposed to do if McGonagall asks me?

Severus: I don’t know. Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if McGonagall asks if you did it, you should say yes.

Regulus:

Severus: On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

Dumbledore: Depression? In my potions master? More likely than you think.

In the staffroom

Dumbledore: Do you like working here, Severus?

Snape: …

Snape: Oh, would you look at that, my break is over, gotta go, people to see, classes to teach.

Dumbledore: …

Snape: You’re holding something back because you don’t want us to think you’re crazy.

Snape: Potter… I already think you’re crazy.

Snape: I don’t believe you.

Harry: Ron saw it too!

Snape: Weasley’s easily led.

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