#living with cptsd

I’m All Alone.

I’ve come to realize. I’m utterly alone. I have no one to fall back on when life gets hard. I only have myself to rely on. I’ve never had to do this before. And I’m envious of my family never having to experience this. Which is why it hurts me so much that they ignore me and exclude me. I’m doing everything by myself. I’m paying my own bills, working and making my own money. I have 20 days to find a place to live or I’m out on my ass. I’ve asked my family. We’ll, I asked my mom. It’s been over a week now. She’s ignored my call and texts. It just breaks my heart that she doesn’t care if I end up homeless. That hurts. None of her other kids would end up homeless. My mom takes them all in. But me? No. Nobody cares about me in that family. Besides my big sister but she has her own life going on. Hers is hectic too. I know she loves me though. She’s shown me time and again. But the rest of my family? No. None of them love me. No one will help me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did to not deserve their love. I used to stay alive just for them. Stop cutting, for them. I’ve now learned to live for myself. Because they don’t give a damn about me. It hurts. I cry about this alot.

MANIC, AGAIN.

I’ve just realized that I’m manic as fuck. The whole relationship with my ex was all part of my manic behavior. I didn’t even like him. I was pushing my feelings from my ex onto him. It wasn’t about him at all. In reality I didn’t like much about him at all. Then deciding to move in with him. Impulse move. I would never have made a decision like that if I was in a depressive episode. Like girl are you stupid?

I’ve come to realize that I was just rebounding to be honest. I’m still in love with my ex. He’s who I think about everyday. I listen to his music everyday just to hear his voice. It’s him that I want and this guy was just a distraction. I didn’t want him. The only thing about him that I found attractive was his tattoos and his dick to be honest. But my ex? Everything about him I love. He’s not my typical type. Not one tattoo, no facial or body hair. Emoish hair. He finally let me pierce his ears and nose so that made him a bit more my type. Now he’s wearing the earrings I bought him. I saw a pic on Instagram and he looked so fucking cute. Damn.. I really need to not date until I’m over him. Or else it’s bound to fail. I just wish he was ready for a relationship. I’d be with him in a heartbeat. Oh well. Right now I need to focus on me. Finding a place to live, working and making money. Building my savings back up. Paying my taxes. No time for boys. I don’t have time. I need to crack down or I could end up homeless or just fucked. It’s okay. I can do this. I. Am. Resilient. I always make it through the hard times when I swore I wouldn’t. I can do this.

I Dated A Manipulator

He’s literally so fucking annoying to me now. I can’t stand him. After talking to my best friend last night. He helped me remember the exact reason I stopped talking to my boyfriend in the first place. So back in June. We were fucking. I told him that’s all it was. We weren’t dating. Well in turn, he decided he was gonna be a fucking prick the rest of the night and treat me like shit in front of his friends. We went to karaoke and I just sat by myself. Everyone was having fun while I was having a panic attack. He told me I can just leave. When he was the one who took me there. So my friend came and picked me up. Once I got in his car I started crying so hard. Well fast forward to a little more than a month ago. Before we got together. We started talking again. I have no memory of that night besides remembering that he was being a dick and I was secluding myself during karaoke. I didn’t remember why it all started. Well my best friend remembered because that night I was texting my best friend the entire time. Well my now ex, decided to use the fact that I don’t remember to his advantage and gaslighted the living fuck out of me. He convinced me that it was ME that was being a major bitch that day, which triggered his mental issues and made him be a dick to me. So yeah. It was my own fault for why he was being a dick. So I thought aw shit, I’ll give him another chance because I was being a bitch back then. If I remembered what really happened that night I would have never given him a second chance. Ever. So yeah. Manipulative much? So now, every time he does something wrong he manages to swing it around qnd makes himself the victim and I’m the villain. Even though he’s the one who fucked up. Like when he had me pack all my stuff, just to kick me out of his apartment. He said it was because “I’m hard to confront”. He blames me.