Finally, I’m Over You.

It no longer hurts when I think about you. You no longer take any space in my mind or in my heart. I thought those two months meant more than what it truly was. It was a passing infatuation. And that’s okay. You helped me with something so important. You helped me move on from my ex fiance. I thank you for that. Now I’m no longer haunted by the thoughts and memories of either of you. I miss no man anymore. I’m free from you. Free from him. I thought it would take longer to get over you because you impacted me in such a huge way but 3 months was long enough. I don’t need you nor do will I ever want you again. You really missed out on something beautiful. Because when I love, I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. It’s okay. Someone deserving of that kind of love will come along and appreciate what you threw away.

Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

MANIC EPISODE

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so fucking manic. I didn’t realize how manic until just now. Okay so here’s what’s happened. Me and the boyfriend broke up. I swung into a full blown manic episode without realizing it. I’m spiraling. I met a guy last night at a bar. He was super hot. We connected. Lot of similar tastes. It was great. Well I got his number. Saw that we’ve already texted eachother previously. We’ll we ended up meeting again tonight. We went to a bar. I packed my spenanite bag. Well at the bar I did Molly. It didn’t kick in that much so on the way back. I took more. Well we got to his apartment and his roommate was smoking weed. So I smoked some of my weed. He also had a blunt that I hit a few times. Well now I’m really high and have my little “reality check” moments. What am I doing?

MANIC, AGAIN.

I’ve just realized that I’m manic as fuck. The whole relationship with my ex was all part of my manic behavior. I didn’t even like him. I was pushing my feelings from my ex onto him. It wasn’t about him at all. In reality I didn’t like much about him at all. Then deciding to move in with him. Impulse move. I would never have made a decision like that if I was in a depressive episode. Like girl are you stupid?

I’ve come to realize that I was just rebounding to be honest. I’m still in love with my ex. He’s who I think about everyday. I listen to his music everyday just to hear his voice. It’s him that I want and this guy was just a distraction. I didn’t want him. The only thing about him that I found attractive was his tattoos and his dick to be honest. But my ex? Everything about him I love. He’s not my typical type. Not one tattoo, no facial or body hair. Emoish hair. He finally let me pierce his ears and nose so that made him a bit more my type. Now he’s wearing the earrings I bought him. I saw a pic on Instagram and he looked so fucking cute. Damn.. I really need to not date until I’m over him. Or else it’s bound to fail. I just wish he was ready for a relationship. I’d be with him in a heartbeat. Oh well. Right now I need to focus on me. Finding a place to live, working and making money. Building my savings back up. Paying my taxes. No time for boys. I don’t have time. I need to crack down or I could end up homeless or just fucked. It’s okay. I can do this. I. Am. Resilient. I always make it through the hard times when I swore I wouldn’t. I can do this.

I Dated A Manipulator

He’s literally so fucking annoying to me now. I can’t stand him. After talking to my best friend last night. He helped me remember the exact reason I stopped talking to my boyfriend in the first place. So back in June. We were fucking. I told him that’s all it was. We weren’t dating. Well in turn, he decided he was gonna be a fucking prick the rest of the night and treat me like shit in front of his friends. We went to karaoke and I just sat by myself. Everyone was having fun while I was having a panic attack. He told me I can just leave. When he was the one who took me there. So my friend came and picked me up. Once I got in his car I started crying so hard. Well fast forward to a little more than a month ago. Before we got together. We started talking again. I have no memory of that night besides remembering that he was being a dick and I was secluding myself during karaoke. I didn’t remember why it all started. Well my best friend remembered because that night I was texting my best friend the entire time. Well my now ex, decided to use the fact that I don’t remember to his advantage and gaslighted the living fuck out of me. He convinced me that it was ME that was being a major bitch that day, which triggered his mental issues and made him be a dick to me. So yeah. It was my own fault for why he was being a dick. So I thought aw shit, I’ll give him another chance because I was being a bitch back then. If I remembered what really happened that night I would have never given him a second chance. Ever. So yeah. Manipulative much? So now, every time he does something wrong he manages to swing it around qnd makes himself the victim and I’m the villain. Even though he’s the one who fucked up. Like when he had me pack all my stuff, just to kick me out of his apartment. He said it was because “I’m hard to confront”. He blames me.