thedarkperidot:

None of your trauma is your fault. ♡

Me: I should save money.

Also me: Maybe I should check eBay for Hercules plastic plates from the 1990s because nostalgia.

For real lol

*edit* My roommate is okay and is getting psychological help.

Holy fuck, so much had happened. Kinda spinning my world around like crazy. But I can finally say, I am staying mostly mentally stable during all of it. Up until a few days ago I’ve been mood wise, stable. Not manic, not depressive. I’ve had some auditorial hallucinations in the bathroom, but other than that I’ve been fine. Besides my anxiety. My anxiety is through the roof. I went to Alaska for two weeks, my sister had her baby. She’s adorable. It was great, I had so time of solitude. I miss it. Just hung out by myself in the guest room downstairs and wrote in my journal for hours. It was so quiet, peaceful. Besides feeling homesick I loved the trip. Then I got home.. first night back, my roommate lays on me that he had his suicide planned and wants to know if I can pay for the apartment by myself. It was like, what the fuck? I bawled, begging him not to go through with it. Well. That’s when I started having hallucinations and anxiety. It turned my world upside down. Then I finally met the guy I’ve been talking to for three weeks and my roommate (who likes me) got coked out, drunk and jealous. He kicked me out. But apologized the next day and told me I could stay. Mr and him are pretty cool but I can’t continue to live here. So me and my best friend are looking at apartments now. We’re trying to save up enough for the deposits and get her car situation. I’m so excited. This is gonna be home. Finally. Non toxic, healthy, fun. She’ll hype me up for work and my onlyfans. I’ll do better with work. I’ve already been so confident. It’s not even manic confidence. Because it started in Alaska. I started writing in my journal and I was just optimistic and finally talking about how sexy and great of a person I am. I can’t write stuff like that on here because I don’t want to come off as cocky. I’ve just never given myself pep talks and actually appreciated myself before. I’ve found confidence again. Life itself is stressful and hard. But mentally? I’m good. I’m holding it together better than I ever have before. With optimism. I’ve always been such a pessimistic person. It’s crazy how different my perspective of life has changed. I want to keep going for once. To give myself the life I know I deserve. I haven’t had one suicidal thought. I can’t imagine doing that, life is what I make it. I’m going to make it fun, and happy. I’ve kept myself in the darkness for a decade and a half. That’s over. I’ve suffered long enough.

Finally, I’m Over You.

It no longer hurts when I think about you. You no longer take any space in my mind or in my heart. I thought those two months meant more than what it truly was. It was a passing infatuation. And that’s okay. You helped me with something so important. You helped me move on from my ex fiance. I thank you for that. Now I’m no longer haunted by the thoughts and memories of either of you. I miss no man anymore. I’m free from you. Free from him. I thought it would take longer to get over you because you impacted me in such a huge way but 3 months was long enough. I don’t need you nor do will I ever want you again. You really missed out on something beautiful. Because when I love, I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. It’s okay. Someone deserving of that kind of love will come along and appreciate what you threw away.

So well, I’m manic as fuck yet again. I’m doing drugs like crazy. Basically made a porno with another girl for my onlyfans. I haven’t had “sex,sex” with anyone though. Still not interested. Nor am I interested in men still. But I’m being stupid. I need to tell my psychiatrist this. This is crazy how bad my manic episode’s are getting. I haven’t been this bad since I was 17. 10 years. I’m out of control these days. I need help so bad.

How the hell am I manic again? I thought I was coming down. Stable for a bit. Now it’s all coming back. I can’t do this anymore. I’m doing good with my male roommate. I haven’t slept with anyone since I took my best friends virginity in my last extreme manic episode. I haven’t even kissed anyone, made an effort to hang out with anyone. I’m not “talking” to anyone. I’ve just been living my life for me. And not that I’m manic I’m scared I might cross boundaries that I firmly set when I was in a stable. I have my appointment with my psychiatrist on the 14th. We need to up my mood stabilizer because my schizophrenia symptoms are managed when I’m stable. It’s my bipolar that is throwing everything out of wack. I can handle everything until I’m extremely manic or extremely depressive.

Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

FUCKKKK!!! Fuck this. Maybe I need to be hospitalized. The decisions I am making lately. I’m fucking up big time. I’m not seeing it until I get really high and am in the situation already. I’m at my best friends. You know. The guy, who is in love with me. Yesterday was valentines day. I worked then spent it with him. Well, I took his virginity last night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m just going and doing everything that feels good without thinking of consequences. There’s literally no “stop and think”. Just do. I’m spending money I don’t have, buying and doing drugs.. TAKING MY BEST FRIENDS VIRGINITY! I’m so fucking stupid. I think I really need to be hospitalized. Like right now.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.

how can someone feel so much and feel so empty at the same time?

is this me splitting?

i have a new fp and yesterday she went out with her friends (we are online friends and we’ve only known each other for a month), she told me she was going with her friends (which makes it easier for me not to think she is mad at me or something). But after i spent the whole day waiting for her to come back she started telling me about how it was her night with her friends, told me she almost had sex, she hooked up with two guys and all that stuff and idk i am so pissed with her right now. i swear i just can’t talk to her right now. i really dont want to! I’m freaking angry at her for absolutely no reason!! i’m 100% sure im not into her in a romantic/carnal way its just friendship but even so i feel so pissed cause she is living her life?! at the same time i’m so scared he will see all the parts and leave me.

also yesterday i totally manipulated her bc i started telling her about my mental disorders and how i wanted to hurt myself while she was talking about her stuff (after i did that i felt so guilty and shamed bc i kind of ruined her mood which can make her not feel easy to tell me things anymore)

Being borderline and having fp’s is one hell of a trip. Hanging out with old fp’s and not having the rush you used to get is weird. These people used to give me rushes, emotions, happy chemicals. Now, it’s like they’re just another person and the new fp is all you care about.

Politicians acting like legality equals morality. While taking away women’s right to make choices about their body, closing borders, letting refugees die right in front of that borders and ignoring climate change. There are no problems in the system, the system itself is the problem.

Growing up in a capitalist world made me think that my worth depends on how productive I am. I’m still trying very hard to unlearn that shit.

Everything’s nice and I’m feeling fine, then out of nothing I’m losing my mind. I thought I’ve left the darkness behind. It ran after me, turns out I’m easy to find.

23MAY2019

Me 3 years ago: I will not leave the house unless my makeup is on fleek. Can’t bother ppl with my ugliness.

Me now: This is my face. If you don’t like it, don’t look at it.

I really hope there’s an alien species watching us. I hope they see us ruining this earth and I hope they’re coming to stop us.

Was ist bloß falsch mit mir. Egal was ich mache ist alles falsch.

InnereStimme: Du packst das nicht mit deinem Leben.

Ich zu Gott: Bitte,lassmich meinen Verstand nicht verlieren

Ich fühle mich so schuldig, für alles was ich getan habe. Ich mache alles falsch.

Schon so oft gestorben und immer noch am Leben

Warum kann man keinen Selbstmord begehen, ohne jemanden damit zu verletzen? Man trifft so eine Entscheidung immer mit schlechtem Gewissen anderen gegenüber.

Jaja ich weiß ich hatte einen Rückfall. Na und ? Denkst du eigentlich mal verdammt nochmal darüber nach, wie lange ich durchgehalten habe. Das möchte mal wieder kein Mensch sehen.

Andere Menschen: Du hast krasse Augenringe

Ich: Ja ist nichts schlimmes… hab nur zu wenig geschlafen…….

Schon so empfindlich dass man die Welt anderst aufnimmt. Und was passiert? Obwohl man verzweifelt ist bekommt man noch gesagt, dass man komisch ist

Ich hasse mich so sehr

Hey du da draußen, ja genau du. Würdest du mich echt verstehen wenn ich dir berichten würde, wie Scheiße es mir geht und wie gerne ich einfach nur für immer einschlafen möchte. Dieses Leben ist unertragbar für mich. Ich will weg von hier. Kann ich deine Hand haben? Wirst du mich halten können?

Ich fühle nichts. Nur Leere. Sogar das Weinen scheint mir schon viel zu schwer.

Andere Menschen: Warum geht es dir eigentlich jedes mal so schlecht? Es ist doch nichts, das Leben lohnt sich.

Ich: Weil ich keine Kraft mehr habe, jedes mal so zu tun, als wäre alles okay. Ich kann nicht mehr. Es nimmt mir zu viel Energie.

Ich will nicht mehr ich sein. Ich möchte einfach nur noch Tod sein, denn dann muss ich nicht mehr leiden.

Das was ich führe, ist kein Leben sondern eine Qual. Kann ich bitte erlöst werden? Lieber Gott komm’ und Erlöse mich von alle dem und von meinem Leben? Kann ich springen und in paar Sekunden bei dir sein? Im Himmel, da bin ich frei. Geht das ?

Indem andere Menschen nur denken dass du faul bist aber du eigentlich genau weißt, wie depressiv und verletzt du in deinem Bett liegst und keine Lust mehr auf dieses Leben hast.