me, immediately after coming home from an 8 hour shift having not slept the night before: what would happen I made coffee and then cleaned my whole house and then cut my hair and then masturbated for two hours

me, approx. 6 hours later, speaking to no one: ,,,did you hear that…? ‘twas god herself…,.,… wHISPERING to ME..!.. be quiet!!! be careful!!! i,m l i s t e n i n g

me depressed: maybe i’ll just cut myself so i’m not sad anymore and because who cares

me manic: Maybe!!! i’ll cut myself so thaaaaat i can prove I Am Alive and do some homemade scarification tattoos!! that’ll keep the demons away!! i hope my Friends think i’m Cool and not Crazy bc im for sure Both!!!!!

So well, I’m manic as fuck yet again. I’m doing drugs like crazy. Basically made a porno with another girl for my onlyfans. I haven’t had “sex,sex” with anyone though. Still not interested. Nor am I interested in men still. But I’m being stupid. I need to tell my psychiatrist this. This is crazy how bad my manic episode’s are getting. I haven’t been this bad since I was 17. 10 years. I’m out of control these days. I need help so bad.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

FUCKKKK!!! Fuck this. Maybe I need to be hospitalized. The decisions I am making lately. I’m fucking up big time. I’m not seeing it until I get really high and am in the situation already. I’m at my best friends. You know. The guy, who is in love with me. Yesterday was valentines day. I worked then spent it with him. Well, I took his virginity last night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m just going and doing everything that feels good without thinking of consequences. There’s literally no “stop and think”. Just do. I’m spending money I don’t have, buying and doing drugs.. TAKING MY BEST FRIENDS VIRGINITY! I’m so fucking stupid. I think I really need to be hospitalized. Like right now.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.

MANIC EPISODE

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so fucking manic. I didn’t realize how manic until just now. Okay so here’s what’s happened. Me and the boyfriend broke up. I swung into a full blown manic episode without realizing it. I’m spiraling. I met a guy last night at a bar. He was super hot. We connected. Lot of similar tastes. It was great. Well I got his number. Saw that we’ve already texted eachother previously. We’ll we ended up meeting again tonight. We went to a bar. I packed my spenanite bag. Well at the bar I did Molly. It didn’t kick in that much so on the way back. I took more. Well we got to his apartment and his roommate was smoking weed. So I smoked some of my weed. He also had a blunt that I hit a few times. Well now I’m really high and have my little “reality check” moments. What am I doing?

MANIC, AGAIN.

I’ve just realized that I’m manic as fuck. The whole relationship with my ex was all part of my manic behavior. I didn’t even like him. I was pushing my feelings from my ex onto him. It wasn’t about him at all. In reality I didn’t like much about him at all. Then deciding to move in with him. Impulse move. I would never have made a decision like that if I was in a depressive episode. Like girl are you stupid?

Imagine breaking into my house rn while I’m in the middle of a manic episode, dying my eyebrows. Now we both look surprised.

I feel absolutely manic. Everything in my head is spinning. If I close my eyes, it’s like all my thoughts are compiled and tangible and spinning around the sides of my brain like a carnival ride. Everything’s going to fast and you can’t make out anything, just like you can’t make out people’s faces when they’re going round and round. I feel joyous and irritated. I want to do a million little things, like make an email address for every twitter name I can think of, even though I don’t have any twitter friends and absolutely no one follows me. I feel nauseous. Like I’m going to puke, but I know I won’t, ‘cause I know what it really feels like when you’re about to puke and it isn’t this. I’m hyper-focused. When I close my eyes, I can see different, random surroundings. And people and animals moving, They’re not real. Animated? Sometimes it’s suspended animation. Maybe. It’s hard to describe it with my eyes open when I only see things when they’re closed. Except for little, tiny black dots. And the swirling waves of blood vessels in my eyes. It’s kinda disgusting, when you think about it. Except, I’ve been thinking a lot about veins and blood and DNA and wondering how much of this craziness flows through them. Is the problem in the chemicals in my head or in the blood in my veins? Is it MY fault, or is the problem in my DNA? Am I the first-born nutjob addict or do I come from a long line of them? I know it doesn’t matter, but I guess I’d just like to know. This nausea is awful. I think maybe in my hurried, disoriented state I ate way too much food. I swear I feel high or drunk but I haven’t touched a thing. AWARE. That’s how I’m feeling. On a plane of hyper-awareness. When I close my eyes, sometimes people talk to me when I have conversations with myself in my head. Like my mind making up people so it’s doesn’t seem so crazy that I’m talking to myself. It’s all word salad, too. Or little phrases that don’t mean a thing out of context, and it IS out of context, because it’s going on in my head and none of it’s real. I just paused and closed my eyes, and I saw a beach. Not the whole beach – just the sand, and a bird walking on it, leaving footprints, but I only saw his yellow legs too. But it’s immersive. It’s like I’m there. I hear music, but nothing’s playing. It’s songs, and they all run together. Sometimes it’s songs that exist, sometimes it’s just nonsense my head makes up. Words strung together that don’t make sense, or even just sounds that I couldn’t recreate with my mouth. How long have I been sitting here? I’ve been taking breaks to use my vape thing and close my eyes and breathe. Sometimes I catch myself forgetting to take a breath. I think I need to take some meds and lay down, or watch some neutral tv. Fuck it; I’m not editing this mess. It is what it is. A mess. I’m a mess.

Not Star Trek, but Tumblr Related

Am I the only one who looks at their blogs and thinks “Man, I could create a chart of my manic periods just by putting posting stats into a spreadsheet?” Because with this blog and even more so, another blog which has about 8,000 entries, it’s clear to me that no way was that ordinary enthusiasm alone powering me, but a giant heaping tsunami of bipolar ups. I mean, wow.

Of course, it’s not like I’m not manic when I’m not blogging. No, I find other things to get overly into. Like online auctions, buying clothes, watching every episode of Antiques Roadshow (UK) about 50 times. Sigh.

Wendy

I had the craziest Manic balls-off-the-wall, can’t stop talking, dancing for no reason, laughing at honestly everything, fucking episode yesterday and now I’m embarrassed to go back to work. I swear I had zero chill yesterday.