BPD POST #21

The scary uncontrollable rage that can ruin your life within seconds and then you’re forced to pick up the pieces afterwards.

BPD POST #20

that moment when you stop reading a book because you’re getting too emotionally attached to the characters and you won’t be able to handle it when the book ends

BPD POST #19

When you took all the precautions to make sure a FP would never leave, but they do.

BPD POST #17

Wishing you could leave your body because you hate yourself so much.

BPD POST #16

Depriving yourself of sleep, food, showering, and all the necessities a human needs because you’re punishing yourself. Why? Because you feel like you don’t deserve any of it because you’re a shitty human being

BPD POST #15

Borderline personality disorder? More like big penis disorder. No wonder we all suffer so much, all the blood flow goes from our head to our ginormous penis

Mindful Monday's

Walking Meditation

Walking meditation brings mindfulness to the moment-to-moment experience of walking. Typically, when we walk we’re focused on getting somewhere, and not on the present-moment sensations of walking. In contrast, in walking meditations, there is no destination, and we bring our awareness to sensations in the feet and lower legs. Although you can practice walking meditation at any time, it may be especially useful if you’re experiencing strong anxiety that makes it difficult to be still for other types of meditation.

Set aside at least 10 minutes for this practice. Find a place that’s quiet and private and allows you a path to walk back and forth. You don’t need much space, just enough for 10-20 steps. Remember, you’re not going anywhere, you’re just walking. Feel free to experiment with the length of your path. You can walk at any pace, but slowing down will help you notice more of the sensations you experience as you walk.

Being by noticing that you are where you are. Connect with your breath and then with the sensations of your feet on the ground. From a standing position, begin to take a step with the left foot. Notice the shift of weight from both feet to the right foot. Notice the sensations of the left foot coming off the ground. First the heel, then the ball of the foot. Sense how the pressure releases as you pick up the entire left foot. Experience the left foot and leg swinging forward. Then notice the sensations of placing the left food on the ground again.

Bring awareness to the shift of weight from the right foot to the left. The sensations of the right heel coming off the ground, then the ball of the foot and then the whole foot. Feel how the weight transfers graduallyto the left food as the right foot and leg swing forward to slowly begin another step.

Bring kind awareness to the sensations of pressure, the swinging of each foot and leg, muscle tension, touch, movement of clothing, and so on. When attention wanders away from the sensations of walking, as it will, practice patience and kindness. Let go of judgement and come back to the sensations of walking over and over again.

Mindful Monday’s

Mindful Stretching

Mindful stretching can promote awareness and the attitudes of allowing gentleness, and compassion toward your body and your life. Whether you practice yoga in a class or at home or stretch for fitness, you can bring these qualities to your stretches, transforming them into a mindfulness meditation. Just one caution: if you’re unsure whether certain stretches are appropriate for you, consult your doctor before doing them.

As you stretch, bring beginner’s mind to your body. Move slowly and gently, and explore sensations in the body as if for the first time. When the mind wanders as it will, gently return to noticing sensations.

As you stretch mindfully, open to any opportunities to learn (or relearn) important life lessons. If a stretch is challenging, you may notice that you react with aversion. In that case, you can purposely welcome sensations of tension as an invitation to rest and find ease in the stretch. You may find that breathing with sensations helps you let go of any struggle against them and allow them to be present. The body’s wisdom will inform you of its limits, helping you understand the difference between unpleasant sensations and pain and how to take care of yourself. It can help you know when you need to back off from a stretch - and when you need to back off from excessive attempts to please others.

The wisdom of the body can help you heal in many ways. When you stretch areas that hold chronic tension, buried emotions may be released. Don’t strive to make this happen; just notice sensations in the body. As you tune in to your experience, mindful stretching can help you learn from the inside out that letting go and mindfully sensing the places where you feel stuck can help you feel freer. Both in your body and in daily life.

For example, if your arms burn as you hold them out, you can gently challenge yourself to stay with the position for a few more moments. Noticing the sensations and the desire to relieve the discomfort. Experiment with allowing the sensation to be present without struggling to change them, releasing into the posture. This can teach you that you don’t have to react immediately to urges, and that sometimes they pass as you allow them to be present. In time, you can transfer these lessons to difficult approval seeking moment, applying what you’ve learned about aversion, letting go, and not acting on urges.

what’s it like to be passionate about something?

I can never show my face anywhere ever again

credit to borderline.bunny on instagram

bpdbobbidiboo:

*edit* My roommate is okay and is getting psychological help.

Holy fuck, so much had happened. Kinda spinning my world around like crazy. But I can finally say, I am staying mostly mentally stable during all of it. Up until a few days ago I’ve been mood wise, stable. Not manic, not depressive. I’ve had some auditorial hallucinations in the bathroom, but other than that I’ve been fine. Besides my anxiety. My anxiety is through the roof. I went to Alaska for two weeks, my sister had her baby. She’s adorable. It was great, I had so time of solitude. I miss it. Just hung out by myself in the guest room downstairs and wrote in my journal for hours. It was so quiet, peaceful. Besides feeling homesick I loved the trip. Then I got home.. first night back, my roommate lays on me that he had his suicide planned and wants to know if I can pay for the apartment by myself. It was like, what the fuck? I bawled, begging him not to go through with it. Well. That’s when I started having hallucinations and anxiety. It turned my world upside down. Then I finally met the guy I’ve been talking to for three weeks and my roommate (who likes me) got coked out, drunk and jealous. He kicked me out. But apologized the next day and told me I could stay. Mr and him are pretty cool but I can’t continue to live here. So me and my best friend are looking at apartments now. We’re trying to save up enough for the deposits and get her car situation. I’m so excited. This is gonna be home. Finally. Non toxic, healthy, fun. She’ll hype me up for work and my onlyfans. I’ll do better with work. I’ve already been so confident. It’s not even manic confidence. Because it started in Alaska. I started writing in my journal and I was just optimistic and finally talking about how sexy and great of a person I am. I can’t write stuff like that on here because I don’t want to come off as cocky. I’ve just never given myself pep talks and actually appreciated myself before. I’ve found confidence again. Life itself is stressful and hard. But mentally? I’m good. I’m holding it together better than I ever have before. With optimism. I’ve always been such a pessimistic person. It’s crazy how different my perspective of life has changed. I want to keep going for once. To give myself the life I know I deserve. I haven’t had one suicidal thought. I can’t imagine doing that, life is what I make it. I’m going to make it fun, and happy. I’ve kept myself in the darkness for a decade and a half. That’s over. I’ve suffered long enough.

Finally, I’m Over You.

It no longer hurts when I think about you. You no longer take any space in my mind or in my heart. I thought those two months meant more than what it truly was. It was a passing infatuation. And that’s okay. You helped me with something so important. You helped me move on from my ex fiance. I thank you for that. Now I’m no longer haunted by the thoughts and memories of either of you. I miss no man anymore. I’m free from you. Free from him. I thought it would take longer to get over you because you impacted me in such a huge way but 3 months was long enough. I don’t need you nor do will I ever want you again. You really missed out on something beautiful. Because when I love, I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. It’s okay. Someone deserving of that kind of love will come along and appreciate what you threw away.

So well, I’m manic as fuck yet again. I’m doing drugs like crazy. Basically made a porno with another girl for my onlyfans. I haven’t had “sex,sex” with anyone though. Still not interested. Nor am I interested in men still. But I’m being stupid. I need to tell my psychiatrist this. This is crazy how bad my manic episode’s are getting. I haven’t been this bad since I was 17. 10 years. I’m out of control these days. I need help so bad.

Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

FUCKKKK!!! Fuck this. Maybe I need to be hospitalized. The decisions I am making lately. I’m fucking up big time. I’m not seeing it until I get really high and am in the situation already. I’m at my best friends. You know. The guy, who is in love with me. Yesterday was valentines day. I worked then spent it with him. Well, I took his virginity last night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m just going and doing everything that feels good without thinking of consequences. There’s literally no “stop and think”. Just do. I’m spending money I don’t have, buying and doing drugs.. TAKING MY BEST FRIENDS VIRGINITY! I’m so fucking stupid. I think I really need to be hospitalized. Like right now.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.