For real lol

*edit* My roommate is okay and is getting psychological help.

Holy fuck, so much had happened. Kinda spinning my world around like crazy. But I can finally say, I am staying mostly mentally stable during all of it. Up until a few days ago I’ve been mood wise, stable. Not manic, not depressive. I’ve had some auditorial hallucinations in the bathroom, but other than that I’ve been fine. Besides my anxiety. My anxiety is through the roof. I went to Alaska for two weeks, my sister had her baby. She’s adorable. It was great, I had so time of solitude. I miss it. Just hung out by myself in the guest room downstairs and wrote in my journal for hours. It was so quiet, peaceful. Besides feeling homesick I loved the trip. Then I got home.. first night back, my roommate lays on me that he had his suicide planned and wants to know if I can pay for the apartment by myself. It was like, what the fuck? I bawled, begging him not to go through with it. Well. That’s when I started having hallucinations and anxiety. It turned my world upside down. Then I finally met the guy I’ve been talking to for three weeks and my roommate (who likes me) got coked out, drunk and jealous. He kicked me out. But apologized the next day and told me I could stay. Mr and him are pretty cool but I can’t continue to live here. So me and my best friend are looking at apartments now. We’re trying to save up enough for the deposits and get her car situation. I’m so excited. This is gonna be home. Finally. Non toxic, healthy, fun. She’ll hype me up for work and my onlyfans. I’ll do better with work. I’ve already been so confident. It’s not even manic confidence. Because it started in Alaska. I started writing in my journal and I was just optimistic and finally talking about how sexy and great of a person I am. I can’t write stuff like that on here because I don’t want to come off as cocky. I’ve just never given myself pep talks and actually appreciated myself before. I’ve found confidence again. Life itself is stressful and hard. But mentally? I’m good. I’m holding it together better than I ever have before. With optimism. I’ve always been such a pessimistic person. It’s crazy how different my perspective of life has changed. I want to keep going for once. To give myself the life I know I deserve. I haven’t had one suicidal thought. I can’t imagine doing that, life is what I make it. I’m going to make it fun, and happy. I’ve kept myself in the darkness for a decade and a half. That’s over. I’ve suffered long enough.

Finally, I’m Over You.

It no longer hurts when I think about you. You no longer take any space in my mind or in my heart. I thought those two months meant more than what it truly was. It was a passing infatuation. And that’s okay. You helped me with something so important. You helped me move on from my ex fiance. I thank you for that. Now I’m no longer haunted by the thoughts and memories of either of you. I miss no man anymore. I’m free from you. Free from him. I thought it would take longer to get over you because you impacted me in such a huge way but 3 months was long enough. I don’t need you nor do will I ever want you again. You really missed out on something beautiful. Because when I love, I love hard. I love with every fiber of my being. It’s okay. Someone deserving of that kind of love will come along and appreciate what you threw away.

So well, I’m manic as fuck yet again. I’m doing drugs like crazy. Basically made a porno with another girl for my onlyfans. I haven’t had “sex,sex” with anyone though. Still not interested. Nor am I interested in men still. But I’m being stupid. I need to tell my psychiatrist this. This is crazy how bad my manic episode’s are getting. I haven’t been this bad since I was 17. 10 years. I’m out of control these days. I need help so bad.

How the hell am I manic again? I thought I was coming down. Stable for a bit. Now it’s all coming back. I can’t do this anymore. I’m doing good with my male roommate. I haven’t slept with anyone since I took my best friends virginity in my last extreme manic episode. I haven’t even kissed anyone, made an effort to hang out with anyone. I’m not “talking” to anyone. I’ve just been living my life for me. And not that I’m manic I’m scared I might cross boundaries that I firmly set when I was in a stable. I have my appointment with my psychiatrist on the 14th. We need to up my mood stabilizer because my schizophrenia symptoms are managed when I’m stable. It’s my bipolar that is throwing everything out of wack. I can handle everything until I’m extremely manic or extremely depressive.

Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

FUCKKKK!!! Fuck this. Maybe I need to be hospitalized. The decisions I am making lately. I’m fucking up big time. I’m not seeing it until I get really high and am in the situation already. I’m at my best friends. You know. The guy, who is in love with me. Yesterday was valentines day. I worked then spent it with him. Well, I took his virginity last night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m just going and doing everything that feels good without thinking of consequences. There’s literally no “stop and think”. Just do. I’m spending money I don’t have, buying and doing drugs.. TAKING MY BEST FRIENDS VIRGINITY! I’m so fucking stupid. I think I really need to be hospitalized. Like right now.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.

MANIC EPISODE

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so fucking manic. I didn’t realize how manic until just now. Okay so here’s what’s happened. Me and the boyfriend broke up. I swung into a full blown manic episode without realizing it. I’m spiraling. I met a guy last night at a bar. He was super hot. We connected. Lot of similar tastes. It was great. Well I got his number. Saw that we’ve already texted eachother previously. We’ll we ended up meeting again tonight. We went to a bar. I packed my spenanite bag. Well at the bar I did Molly. It didn’t kick in that much so on the way back. I took more. Well we got to his apartment and his roommate was smoking weed. So I smoked some of my weed. He also had a blunt that I hit a few times. Well now I’m really high and have my little “reality check” moments. What am I doing?

I’m All Alone.

I’ve come to realize. I’m utterly alone. I have no one to fall back on when life gets hard. I only have myself to rely on. I’ve never had to do this before. And I’m envious of my family never having to experience this. Which is why it hurts me so much that they ignore me and exclude me. I’m doing everything by myself. I’m paying my own bills, working and making my own money. I have 20 days to find a place to live or I’m out on my ass. I’ve asked my family. We’ll, I asked my mom. It’s been over a week now. She’s ignored my call and texts. It just breaks my heart that she doesn’t care if I end up homeless. That hurts. None of her other kids would end up homeless. My mom takes them all in. But me? No. Nobody cares about me in that family. Besides my big sister but she has her own life going on. Hers is hectic too. I know she loves me though. She’s shown me time and again. But the rest of my family? No. None of them love me. No one will help me. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did to not deserve their love. I used to stay alive just for them. Stop cutting, for them. I’ve now learned to live for myself. Because they don’t give a damn about me. It hurts. I cry about this alot.

MANIC, AGAIN.

I’ve just realized that I’m manic as fuck. The whole relationship with my ex was all part of my manic behavior. I didn’t even like him. I was pushing my feelings from my ex onto him. It wasn’t about him at all. In reality I didn’t like much about him at all. Then deciding to move in with him. Impulse move. I would never have made a decision like that if I was in a depressive episode. Like girl are you stupid?

I’ve come to realize that I was just rebounding to be honest. I’m still in love with my ex. He’s who I think about everyday. I listen to his music everyday just to hear his voice. It’s him that I want and this guy was just a distraction. I didn’t want him. The only thing about him that I found attractive was his tattoos and his dick to be honest. But my ex? Everything about him I love. He’s not my typical type. Not one tattoo, no facial or body hair. Emoish hair. He finally let me pierce his ears and nose so that made him a bit more my type. Now he’s wearing the earrings I bought him. I saw a pic on Instagram and he looked so fucking cute. Damn.. I really need to not date until I’m over him. Or else it’s bound to fail. I just wish he was ready for a relationship. I’d be with him in a heartbeat. Oh well. Right now I need to focus on me. Finding a place to live, working and making money. Building my savings back up. Paying my taxes. No time for boys. I don’t have time. I need to crack down or I could end up homeless or just fucked. It’s okay. I can do this. I. Am. Resilient. I always make it through the hard times when I swore I wouldn’t. I can do this.

I Dated A Manipulator

He’s literally so fucking annoying to me now. I can’t stand him. After talking to my best friend last night. He helped me remember the exact reason I stopped talking to my boyfriend in the first place. So back in June. We were fucking. I told him that’s all it was. We weren’t dating. Well in turn, he decided he was gonna be a fucking prick the rest of the night and treat me like shit in front of his friends. We went to karaoke and I just sat by myself. Everyone was having fun while I was having a panic attack. He told me I can just leave. When he was the one who took me there. So my friend came and picked me up. Once I got in his car I started crying so hard. Well fast forward to a little more than a month ago. Before we got together. We started talking again. I have no memory of that night besides remembering that he was being a dick and I was secluding myself during karaoke. I didn’t remember why it all started. Well my best friend remembered because that night I was texting my best friend the entire time. Well my now ex, decided to use the fact that I don’t remember to his advantage and gaslighted the living fuck out of me. He convinced me that it was ME that was being a major bitch that day, which triggered his mental issues and made him be a dick to me. So yeah. It was my own fault for why he was being a dick. So I thought aw shit, I’ll give him another chance because I was being a bitch back then. If I remembered what really happened that night I would have never given him a second chance. Ever. So yeah. Manipulative much? So now, every time he does something wrong he manages to swing it around qnd makes himself the victim and I’m the villain. Even though he’s the one who fucked up. Like when he had me pack all my stuff, just to kick me out of his apartment. He said it was because “I’m hard to confront”. He blames me.

Not only is it Mspec Lesbian Week— it’s also Psychosis and Schizophrenia Awareness Week.

A special shoutout to Psychotic Mspec Lesbians

[id: a set of three nearly identical images of a pink hand holding a pink heart, over a pastel purple-to-pink gradient background. they are drawn in a simple, slightly pixellated style. each one has pixellated pink text that reads, “psychotic people deserve love,” “psychotic people deserve comfort,” and “psychotic people deserve safety,” in that order. end id.]

made these because i felt down, this cheered me up <3 i am not very good with words but i hope these might cheer up some other psychotic people too ^^

suportal:

With every social media network rolling out new options for reporting mental health concerns, it’s worth taking the time to listen to people when they say that getting notifications asking if they’re okay from an automated system is not helpful. Instead it makes many people more paranoid about what they post, and takes away from their ability to use social media as a safe space to share their struggles with others. Instead of drive-by reporting, if you see something that concerns you try reaching out to the poster! Even if you still think it would be best to report them, shooting them a heads up that you’re doing so, goes a long way to ensuring that our online communities stay safe for everyone!  

I work hard to keep things lighthearted on my blog so I apologize for the brief serious post, this is just really important to me. Having had my paranoia triggered when a few of my memes were reported, it caused me to leave a few social media platforms and I think this is a suggestion that would have helped mediate a lot of the pain I went through.

Okay brief rant over

Whenyouchoosetosupportpeoplewithpsychosisyoudon’tgettopickandchoosewhoyousupport.Youhavetosupportlower-functioningandunstablefolkstoo.

I have a friend that has schizoaffective disorder and we talked about the aftermath of an episode. Episodes include depressive, manic, mixed, psychotic, etc. You go through them at weeks (or months) and at times all you were trying to do is stabilize enough to make it through them.

You survive it but now you have to deal with the aftermath. This could be the missed phone calls/emails, debt from excessive spending, or things that were just once an priority that took a backseat.

My friend explained it as cleaning up the residuals and I feel like that fits perfectly. You are trying to repair, fix, clean, get back on top of everything. Ironically, this can sometimes lead to another episode if you don’t have a plan or support through it.

How do you deal with the aftermath? I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

https://mentalillnesstaughtme.com/2019/02/24/the-aftermath/

“I was diagnosed with schizophrenia last year and it has been tough. I don’t have much family, but my friends have been helpful with me managing. Medication and support has helped tremendously.”

Anonymous post. Thank you for sharing!

https://mentalillnesstaughtme.com/2018/12/09/perception-and-reality/

I need a long hug and a gentle punch in the face with a chair or something.