Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

MANIC EPISODE

Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so fucking manic. I didn’t realize how manic until just now. Okay so here’s what’s happened. Me and the boyfriend broke up. I swung into a full blown manic episode without realizing it. I’m spiraling. I met a guy last night at a bar. He was super hot. We connected. Lot of similar tastes. It was great. Well I got his number. Saw that we’ve already texted eachother previously. We’ll we ended up meeting again tonight. We went to a bar. I packed my spenanite bag. Well at the bar I did Molly. It didn’t kick in that much so on the way back. I took more. Well we got to his apartment and his roommate was smoking weed. So I smoked some of my weed. He also had a blunt that I hit a few times. Well now I’m really high and have my little “reality check” moments. What am I doing?

BPD and me be like

MANIC, AGAIN.

I’ve just realized that I’m manic as fuck. The whole relationship with my ex was all part of my manic behavior. I didn’t even like him. I was pushing my feelings from my ex onto him. It wasn’t about him at all. In reality I didn’t like much about him at all. Then deciding to move in with him. Impulse move. I would never have made a decision like that if I was in a depressive episode. Like girl are you stupid?

I’ve come to realize that I was just rebounding to be honest. I’m still in love with my ex. He’s who I think about everyday. I listen to his music everyday just to hear his voice. It’s him that I want and this guy was just a distraction. I didn’t want him. The only thing about him that I found attractive was his tattoos and his dick to be honest. But my ex? Everything about him I love. He’s not my typical type. Not one tattoo, no facial or body hair. Emoish hair. He finally let me pierce his ears and nose so that made him a bit more my type. Now he’s wearing the earrings I bought him. I saw a pic on Instagram and he looked so fucking cute. Damn.. I really need to not date until I’m over him. Or else it’s bound to fail. I just wish he was ready for a relationship. I’d be with him in a heartbeat. Oh well. Right now I need to focus on me. Finding a place to live, working and making money. Building my savings back up. Paying my taxes. No time for boys. I don’t have time. I need to crack down or I could end up homeless or just fucked. It’s okay. I can do this. I. Am. Resilient. I always make it through the hard times when I swore I wouldn’t. I can do this.