#make it stop
When the holiday season starts and the doors open to reveal thirsty customers who hunger for retail flesh
I recently learned about the anatomy of vocal chords and I sincerely advise you to never see an image of them or learn their exact location unless you have to because I haven’t found peace since.
You know the annoying feeling when you become aware of your breathing/eye lid sliding on your eye/toes touching etc?
Now get ready for feeling bands of muscle tissue touching and moving as you talk in your larynx.
Every time I swallow I feel them pressing against each other.
Make. It. Stop.
I want to go back oblivion
Day One:
This is going to be similar to last year in that I am stringing the days together to make a longer love story that takes place over several years. You have Em to thank for that. And also for the tattoos.
So I suppose that these are dedicated to her.
Indelible
“I want a tattoo.”
Gilbert rolled over onto his stomach and stared at Matthew.
“You’re fourteen.”
“So?” Matthew frowned. He was drowning in his oversized sweater and there was a pimple on his chin where it jutted out in defiance. He looked too young to know what he wanted.
“Well, I mean, how do you know what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want yet. I just want a tattoo. My cousin has one on his wrist.”
Gilbert hummed and studied the posters on his wall. The two of them had tacked them up last summer and the words ‘I WANT TO BELIEVE’ were crooked because neither of them could agree on whether it was straight or not.
“Your cousin is an idiot.”
“You’re the one who kissed him.”
Gilbert jolted upright.
“Yeah, when we were nine years old!”
Matthew chuckled and rubbed his nose on the sleeve of his sweater.
“Francis said you asked to kiss him. He said you wanted to practice. He said you’re a terrible kisser!”
“Francis is a dirty liar,” Gilbert growled. “And he wet the bed until he was seven!”
Matthew burst into shocked giggles.
“He did not!” He sounded so scandalized that Gilbert forgot what they had been talking about and beckoned Matthew closer. He cupped his hand against his mouth and leaned in. Matthew twisted towards him.
“Do you know what else Francis did until he was seven…?”
“I still want a tattoo.”
Gilbert nudged Matthew into his locker.
“You’re fifteen. And you still don’t know what you want.”
“I don’t have to know what I want yet,” Matthew pouted, pulling the Fundamentals of Calculus textbook out of his locker. Gilbert recognized the smiling, racially diverse children on the cover even though it had been two years since he took the course. The children looked uncomfortable and their clothes were at least two decades out of date.
Someone had crossed out the ‘fun’ in fundamentals.
“Uh, yeah, you kind’a do. It’s going to be on your skin for, like, ever. It’s sort of a big deal.”
Matthew smacked him with the textbook and started walking down the corridor with his chin in the air. Their classes were on opposite sides of the high school but Gilbert often walked him to third and fifth period despite the distance.
Matthew was his neighbour and the two of them had grown up together so Gilbert tried to keep an eye on him. At least that was what he told himself. That he was just keeping an eye on him.
Even if it meant that he was late for his own classes.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It has to mean something to you.”
“Nuh uh,” Matthew waved his hand in animated circles, “you can get something just ‘cause you like it. Or it makes you laugh. Or you think it’s pretty. It doesn’t have to have some deep meaning.”
“Then why get one at all?”
“Well, why not?”
He did not have an answer for that.
They stopped and stared at each other when they reached his classroom and Gilbert always felt like he was supposed to do something when he walked Matthew to class but he could not quite put his finger on it. So they just ended up standing around awkwardly until the teacher ushered Matthew inside.
“Do you still want a tattoo?”
Matthew looked up from his novel.
“I’m sixteen.”
“Oh, wow, I hadn’t noticed.”
“You’re an asshole,” Matthew laughed, patting the spot beside him on the grass. “I thought you were supposed to be a responsible adult now.”
Gilbert grinned and collapsed next to him.
“You’re just jealous because I can vote.”
“That’s definitely it.”
Matthew had grown into his broad shoulders over the past couple of months and his face was clearing up but he still needed a haircut.
Gilbert had missed him.
“How is college treating you?” Matthew asked, tucking a renegade curl behind his ear. Gilbert itched to run his fingers through his hair but he squashed the impulse. He had really missed him.
“Good. I dropped physics, which pissed off my father, and I started taking arts classes. Which pissed him off more. And I’m still taking a couple of musical theory classes.”
“Really? You’re studying art?”
“I like it,” Gilbert shrugged casually. “It turns out that I have a good eye for colour. I have a knack for oils. And… I’m starting to get really, really good with ink.”
“Ink,” Matthew repeated, turning to stare at him. They were sitting too close and their noses were almost touching and it was getting hard to breathe. Gilbert felt like he had been punched in the stomach.
“Ink,” he nodded. “And I was thinking, I mean, I’ve been looking into tattooing. There is a tattoo artist across from the college who offered to take me on as an apprentice if I finish at least two years of school. I’ve been helping her around the shop.”
“I thought… Well, I always thought you didn’t like tattoos.”
“No, that’s… That’s not it. I like them. I do. I just didn’t understand why you were so sure you wanted a tattoo when you didn’t even know what you wanted. But I think I get it now. And I really like the idea of someone wearing something I created, forever, just because they can.”
Matthew suddenly beamed at him.
“I think you would make an excellent tattoo artist.”
“You think?”
“I do.”
“So, uh, if I take the apprenticeship… Would you… I mean, would you want to be my first…?”
“Your first…?”
“Client! My first client!”
They were both blushing now.
“I would be honoured.”
“Did you decide what you wanted yet?”
Gilbert juggled his mobile as he wandered around the tattoo parlour and wiped down the equipment.
“Youknow I haven’t,” Matthew replied over the line. “I’m too busy studying to think about it.”
“That’s a lie,” Gilbert said fondly. “You’re smarter than anyone I know. You don’t need to study.”
“I’m smarter than anyone you know because I study!”
“You’re already an honour student.”
“I’m trying to get into college. And I need a scholarship if I want to do that. My parents can’t afford to send both of us to college.”
Gilbert hummed.
“I forgot how expensive twins were.”
“I didn’t,” Matthew said dryly. “And Alfred will probably pick up a football scholarship but I have to do my part too. Tuition, textbooks, living expenses… Residence fees! It all adds up, y’know.”
“You could just move in with me.”
The words were out of his mouth before Gilbert could fully understand what he was offering. He almost dropped his mobile in surprise.
Matthew sucked in a breath on the other end.
“… You don’t mean that.”
But, the more he thought about it, the more Gilbert realized he meant it. It just made sense. He had moved out of residence and into one of the apartments over the tattoo shop a few months ago. It was old and the floorboards creaked but it was close to the college.
And it was cheaper than residence fees.
“I do! It’s close, it’s cheap, it’s nice enough! And, I mean, it might be a little crowded but I think we could manage. I mean, if you wanted to… I mean… Shit. I’m sorry, Matthew. You probably don’t want to live with me…”
“I do!” Matthew squeaked. “I would love… I mean… I think we could make it work. I already know all of your bad habits. And I miss you. I just… Are you sure you want… Me…?”
Gilbert flushed from his toes to the tips of his ears at the insinuation. He was glad Matthew could not see him.
“Of course I want you!” He exclaimed before groaning and covering his face in mortification. “You. You? To live with me. In my apartment. With me.”
Matthew giggled. He sounded just as embarrassed.
“Okay. Okay then. I guess I should get back to studying. If I want to live with you. In your apartment.”
“Right. Good. You do that.”
“Okay. I’m going to hang up now.”
“That’s, uh, that’s probably a good idea.”
Gilbert stared down at his mobile after he hung up and tried to ignore the fact that his heart was beating faster than the dial tone.
“So you finally figured out what you want, huh?”
Gilbert organized and reorganized the equipment in front of him. He had been practicing on himself and pieces of meat for a few months but this was different. This was the first time he would be working on another person.
“Kind of,” Matthew bit his bottom lip.
“What, uh, what do you want?”
“A line.”
“A… What?”
Matthew pushed up the sleeve of his sweater and pointed to the inside of his right forearm.
“A line. From here to here,” he dragged his finger from the middle of his forearm to just before his elbow in a simple, straight line. Gilbert did not know whether he was supposed to be relieved or insulted.
“I can do more than a line!”
“I know,” Matthew wiggled in his seat, looking uncomfortable. “I know you can. I’ve seen your work. It’s amazing. You’re going to be amazing. But… I don’t know what I’m going to be yet. I just moved across the country, I just moved in with you… I start classes in the morning… You were right. I don’t really know what I want yet. I don’t know who I am.”
Gilbert took his hand in both of his own.
He studied his face.
“But…?”
“But I want to see how it turns out,” Matthew rushed to explain, blushing. His chin jutted out just like it used to when they were children. “My life. This tattoo. This is just the starting point. We can add to it. We can make it something beautiful. But we have to start somewhere.”
Gilbert felt the corners of his mouth twitch. He wondered if Matthew had noticed that he switched from saying ‘I’ to ‘we’ as he spoke.
“Okay. A line. A new start.”
“A new beginning.”
Gilbert leaned over his arm and pressed a soft kiss to where Matthew had pointed.
“A new beginning,” he agreed.
I’m on like…..day 7 of intense anxiety. I guess I live here now?
YuujiandRyuujift.Eggparents
“this filter will show you if your teeth are yellow” “this filter will show you if your nose is perfect” “this filter will show you if your face is symmetrical” “this filter will show you if your lips are big” how about if we all blew up our phones forever
I just want to stop being such a disappointment.
Me: continues Doctor!Sam drabble, making it an entire universe. Plans on 2 actual parts, besides the drabbley drab.
Also me: Make it dark. Make it long. No, darker than just that. Longer. LONGER AND DARKER I SAID.
Okay remember Sanjaya from American Idol? He was horrible but he made the top 8 or something because people kept voting for him as a joke? This is what’s happening with Trump and that shit isn’t funny anymore.
if only the reality of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was real.
Some days the sadness is just too much
I am consumed with nothing but suffering
My heart aches with sorrow and my head pounds with hate
Everything else in me remains numb and motionless , as though I am floating with no real direction
Days go by and i don’t even realize it, almost like I am living in a daze
Time is no longer a concept , the pain is endless
I’m missing the Halsey concert tonight and nothing compares to the empty void I feel inside my chest
Me, just minding my own business :
Also me, remembers Achilles jumped towards Patroclus and pinned him to the ground. Smiled and said cheerfully “I knew you’d come for me!” :
Also me, remembers Achilles jumped towards Patroclus again and hugged him tightly. He whispered “I knew you’d come for me.” :
Me :*SOBS VIOLENTLY*
