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We finally went to Hogwarts!

I’ve sat on this article, just waiting for the right time to post it. Christmas-based posts are usually pretty time/season sensitive. However with what’s going on in the world right now, with COVID-19 and the resulting lockdowns and restrictions in place, it’s made everything very doom and gloom. Hopefully this will act as some kind of a pick-me-up both for myself and for anyone reading it.

C…

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July, 1992

Hello fellow witches and wizards! I’m a muggle-born (or that’s what the wizard who came to give me my letter told me I was). Today I received my Hogwarts letter telling me that I was a wizard and now I will be going to the best school of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the whole Britain, that is Hogwarts. I’m so excited! It’ll be such an adventure. I’ll be keeping my camera with me all the time and taking as many pictures there as I can. I’ll post them here.

-Colin Creevey

accio-shitpost:

arthur weasley: probably owns a flip phone

He totally thinks of himself as owning top-of-the-line technology, and is confused when Muggles make fun of it.

Muggle: “Why don’t you get a normal phone? That thing is a total brick.”

Arthur: “What are you talking about? The Nokeeea is an amazing communication telephone device.”

Sirius: If you aren’t someone the muggle church would have killed 300 years ago, are you even living?

James: Uh Pads, you do realise that we’re all witches and wizards, right?

Remus: *raises eyebrows* Perhaps he’s referencing something else.

Welcome to class, students.  Some things are probably obvious to you even now, in this first ten seconds of class.  You are probably wondering what a Muggle is doing teaching, or even doing here in the first place.  How did I get here?  Well, that’s lesson one, ennit?  Never underestimate the power of your own feet.
Technically, I didn’t walk.  I rode my bicycle.  It was not a nice ride, nor an especially easy one over miles of unpaved road.  The point is, it’s a Muggle solution to a magical problem.  The world is full of them.  Muggles outnumber wizards hundreds to one, and while the magical crowd has an advantage, I’d like to see them make it to the moon with only twenty years of research and no magic.

I see some of you rolling your eyes.  You probably want to go on to your next class, where a proper wizard is teaching, not some filthy Muggle.  Go on then.  You’re excused.  You’ll be down four credits in your graduation requirement, but that’s your choice.  I won’t teach those unwilling to learn. 

I’d just like to point out that the Dark Lord might never have risen to power if any of the resistance had only known how to operate a sniper rifle.  Think about the lives that might have been saved on your way out.

Don’t drop out in your 6th year like some people.

Oh look at that.  You all stayed.  What a shocker.

You, in the front row.  You who were about to get up just now.  What’s your name?  Baldwin, isn’t it?  Stand up.  Give me your wand.

What happens now, Baldwin?  You’ve lost your wand, your enemy is holding it, by magical standards you are helpless.  What are you going to do about it?  Anyone care to help him out?

Yes, by the window.  Miss Gates.  What can Mr Baldwin do besides surrender?

Excellent!  Throw a handful of dirt in his face!  That’s a good start if they’re outside.  Five points to Hufflepuff.  Anyone else?  How about if they’re indoors?

Nobody?  I’ll have to have a word with the Headmistress about getting an expert in here.  Sadly I can’t teach you any of the Muggle martial arts, but Baldwin, with simple leverage and gravity, has a good chance of tripping his assailant and gaining a moment’s advantage.  A more aggressive attack could seriously injure the opponent, and as we all know, pain is terribly distracting.

Lesson two: never underestimate the power of your bare hands.  There’s your wand back, thank you for being a sport about it. 

Let’s try another scenario.  You’re in a formal duel, throwing sand and kicking him in the shins would be seen as dishonorable.  What can you do in advance to aid your chances of being disarmed?

Yes, you with the braids.  O’Brian is it?

No, let’s assume you can’t arrange the dueling grounds ahead of time, but I like that idea.  Focus now, how do you keep from dropping things in your regular day to day?

Mr Verte.

Excellent, five points to Gryffindor.  I happen to have one here–pass that around, would you Mr Baldwin–and you will see it’s basically just string.  A bungee does more than keep you from getting disarmed, it can have multiple uses if attached to the wrist by means of your watch or FitBit.

Oh, that’s the chime.  Thank you all for today.  For homework, please read chapter four in your textbook, Basic First Aid.  Come ready to tie boards to your fellows.