I recently started graduate school and have been very fortunate to land a TA, or teaching assistant, position! I help teach three sections of an undergraduate introductory science course. 

It’s been about a month of being a TA, and whew… it’s a lot of work! Here’s what I want you all, as undergraduate students, to know:

• I’m a college student too. Like you, I am here at this university to study. I may be at the graduate level, but I still have classes to attend, assignments to complete, research to participate in, etc just like you. I am not at your beck and call, and cannot be expected to respond to emails immediately, unfortunately. I try to reply to emails within 1 business day.
  
• I don’t know everything about this class topic. Yes, I have a background in the subject and was chosen from the applicant pool to be a TA. But that does not mean I know the answers to every question you have about the material. I will do my best to answer or point you to good resources, though. But please don’t expect that I’m a walking encyclopedia! I’m finding that I get very specific questions or “what if” questions - and I love it! But just know many times this may not be within the scope of this course.
• I have imposter syndrome. I’m not sure how I got admitted as a graduate student. I’m not sure how I was chosen to be a TA. I still feel very unqualified in many aspects of my life! 
• We are not necessarily close with the professor. We likely have meetings with the professor weekly to discuss things, but it’s a very professional friendly relationship. TAs are not necessarily chosen because they work in the same field or research lab as the professor; certainly not me!
• As a first-time TA, know I’m anxious before each section I teach! Try to be understanding and have patience. I’m doing my best! If a TA has taught before, they are likely more experienced and less likely to get flustered. 
• Grading actually takes … a while. Don’t expect your papers to get graded ASAP. I have 3 lab sections to teach, and it’s about 80 students total for me. That’s 80 assignments I have to grade… every week. 
• Understand that being a TA is much more than teaching a section and grading papers each week. I have to attend a required teaching pedagogy course (on top of my busy coursework!), weekly TA meetings with the professor, host weekly office hours, spend hours before section to prepare, respond to student emails which range from anxiety/mental health issues to wifi problems to confusion over a topic, etc. PLUS, throw in COVID-19 right now and it can get hectic! I’m at 20 units this quarter! I know not all TAs are this busy (some are in their last quarter, or just focusing on research) but just a FYI!
• Why do we want to TA? Benefits include great experience, tuition remission, networking, etc. Receiving a TA position gives you amazing experience to interact with students to teach them a topic you’re (hopefully) passionate (or at least, proficient) at. It looks great on a resume, plus it doesn’t hurt that most TA positions offer fee remissions. AKA most of your fees for the quarter/semester are paid as a result of your employment AND you get a monthly salary on top of that. It’s not “cushy”, it’s appropriate given the amount of work. Lastly, the chance to network with professors and leaders of the field is amazing too!
• Please participate in class! It’s really awkward for us when we do our best to teach, and … no one participates. Or students do the bare minimum. If it feels awkward for you, trust me, it’s awkward for me too.
• Many times, the class is structured and formatted in a specific way and the TA is just a facilitator. I’m very fortunate that the course I help teach is very structured: specific powerpoints, assignments, worksheets, homework problems, etc. I do not really have a say in how the lesson planning of the overall class. I have more say in the individual sections I lead, but even then I have to abide by certain rules (no recording of lecture, no posting of powerpoints, etc), use specific powerpoints (I can add my own slides, or modify a little bit), etc so that there is consistency between all TAs. That makes sense, right? 

tldr; Being a TA is a lot of work. Since becoming one, I honestly have had a shift in how I formerly thought of TAs… I find there are ups and downs to being a TAs but overall my experience has been positive. But just know, we are people too! We have other responsibilities and we get stressed out too! :)

• Let go. Let go of the past, any resentment you have, any “what ifs” you have. Anything. Live in the present and don’t spend so much time thinking about the past.
  
  I’ve wasted a lot of time overthinking about the past and it was just so … unnecessary. Do I really think my ex gave me a second thought after we ended things? Not really, and definitely not to the extent that I analyzed our relationship for his flaws! Sometimes, overthinking and analyzing the past re-opens your wounds and you get hurt again (and again… and again…)
• Stop comparing. There will always be someone better than you but also someone worse than you. Comparing is a fruitless endeavor! If you must compare, do it for the purpose of bettering yourself. Like “Wow, I love Shay Mitchell’s make-up. She’s so pretty. What products or makeup techniques does she use, so I can try on myself?” or “This girl got a full-ride scholarship. What does she have for experience? Maybe one of her experiences is something that would be relevant for me and can help my professional career.”
  
  Truthfully, I’ve learned that each person in my grad program has something that obviously shined in the eyes of admissions committee and got them in here. It may not be obvious to me as an outsider, but I can’t keep comparing. We’re all at the same school, aren’t we? And funding wise, too. I got a pretty good chunk of $ and I need to stop comparing!
• Stop surrounding yourself in toxicity. If you have a relative who is toxic or is negative or you always feel DRAINED after your interaction with them repeatedly, then that’s a sign they need to be O U T of your lives (or realistically, reduced interactions). Same with friends. Same with coworkers. This is probably the most important part of this whole “bettering yourself” vibe. How can you get better if the people around you constantly drag you down?
  
  For the people who you can’t just cut off contact, I reduce contact. I stop sharing anything that’s particularly important to them. (God knows I have an older sister who uses anything and everything I say to her as ammunition in arguments.) I share boring stuff only. Safe stuff. Small talk. Act cordial but not BFFs. Stonewall them. Minimal contact. They might say you’re cold and standoffish, but who the fuck cares? Mental health matters and you don’t need to share every single thing with every single person in your lives. I’ve learned it’s best to confide in only a couple people.
• Make time for “you time.” If you’re busy at work or school, still try to carve out some time where the goal is just to relax you. Maybe grab a solo lunch with yourself at your favorite place, maybe binge on Netflix for a teeny bit, maybe treat yourself to a spa day. Whatever relaxes you - you deserve it! 
  
  If I’m really stressed out, my body will show it. I will breakout on my face. I get easily irritated. I will have dark bags under my eyes. I have to remind myself that I need to take deep breaths and not to let my body “feel” stressed because I don’t want my body to “show” signs of stress. Because god knows it takes forever (seemingly) for a pimple to clear up! And even longer if I pick at it and it scars… I reason with myself, “Do I want to have a breakout on my face that might last longer than my stress freak-out period?!” I think not!
• Learn what your triggers are and try to remedy it. For example, one of my triggers to anxiety is feeling overwhelmed with my workload. But if I get better at planning my workload and being honest and transparent with myself, it eases my mind. I recently bought a Passion Planner that is coming tomorrow!

Mental health is a very important thing. PLEASE take active steps to make sure you feel okay! What are your tips for ensuring good mental health?

So I’ve finally come to terms (well, sorta) that my mom is narcissistic and acts very entitled. I also recognize that there’s a culture clash between her strict Asian culture & the American culture. Being first-generation American is a weird tug of war between the parents’ cultures & the American culture. 

The reddit thread r/raisedbynarcissists definitely helped me realize that my mom is a narcissist & I could relate to a LOT of posts there. But I also close out of that page after around 10 minutes because surrounding myself in negativity like that can get exhausting. 

I am very grateful and appreciative for all the things my mom has done that have shaped me into where I am today in life, but with that being said, I can’t ignore the bad parts either.

• She is very temperamental. Anything can tick her off. And you best believe, if SHE’S in a bad mood, the WHOLE HOUSE is affected.
• She acts very fake & is very image-oriented. Seeing my mom switch from yelling at us to sweetly chatting her friend on the phone the next minute is… scary.
  
• She acts entitled. Chalk this up to culture clash maybe, but I absolutely despise how she sees her children as her “retirement plan”
• She is never satisfied. It’s just exhausting to be around someone who is never satisfied. Some recognition of all the work I put in would be nice; don’t act like it’s so easy.
• She is incredibly money-oriented. I have to hide receipts and take-out boxes the rare times I do spend money or she will throw a *temper tantrum*. And not to toot my horn, but I’m good with money (debt-free, read handful of financial books, got a 401K & IRA, minimal expenses, etc)
• She is very childish and lacks maturity. Something about her is just off. She often uses my little sister as the scapegoat, and it’s like “um, mom - you have problems with me, my little sis, my older sis, and my dad. what’s the common denominator here? it’s you”
• She constantly insults and puts me down. She constantly says I’m fat, stupid, and ugly. None of which are true - I’m closer to underweight than overweight; I graduated from UC Berkeley & attending UCLA; and honestly, this is a bit full of myself, but I find that I’m good-looking. I have no issues getting attention from guys (though it’s usually my anxiety that stops me). Her constant belittling actually ruined my self-esteemed growing up.
• She is too proud to ever apologize. Good luck trying to hear the words “I’m sorry” from her because she will never say them. If she’s wrong, she expects you to move on. If YOU’RE wrong, she’ll constantly remind you of it and belittle you.

I hope this post doesn’t come off as petty. But fuck, does it feel good to write it all down in one list.

Anyone else have a parent that ticks off these too?

I honestly get a little miffed when people try to put all colleges on the same level and say that it doesn’t matter where you go to college… 

OF COURSE IT MATTERS.

If an employer is choosing between two candidates who are EXACTLY the same on paper but one attends Yale (for example) and the other attends a “non-target school”, realistically who do you think they would prefer?

To the people who try to say all colleges are the same: You are being oblivious. I get that people come from different backgrounds (hell, I’m first-generation American & my parents never attended college!) but please don’t discredit people’s accomplishments. Getting into college is an accomplishment, getting into a highly competitive college is an even greater accomplishment. Stop taking away from people’s accomplishments and instead focus on how YOU can better your application. 

At the same time, while I personally believe it does matter where you go to college, WHAT you do in college is also important. College is what YOU make of it. If you attend Yale and don’t participate in any organizations and barely pass your classes, um….? Versus a student who went to a small state school who was president of an organization and achieved a 4.0 GPA? I’d hire the latter student, for sure.

Anyway, what if someone went to Yale? Maybe it does make them more marketable. Instead of grouching about it, figure out how you can make YOUR application better than theirs. School name isn’t the ONLY thing employers look for. You cannot change others, only your own mindset. Don’t focus on others, focus on your own growth and what you can do to expand yourself.

What do I think? Self-marketing and branding yourself is HUGE. 

Here are my tips to everyone (regardless of whether you attended a “target” school or not):

• Create a website. Include links to your resume, an “about me” section, a contact section etc. You want this website (or your LinkedIn) to be the first thing that pops up if anyone googles you. YOU take control of what people think of you. You really want one of the first Google search results to be from your high school newspaper days where you quoted that you liked the football game? Or do you want to change the narrative and be in control of what’s out there?
• Quantify your accomplishments!!!!!!!!! I mean, I absolutely hate pretentious, braggy folks but um, this is different - quantify your accomplishments on your resume and website. Context is everything.
• NETWORK, NETWORK, NETWORK. Regardless of what school you attended, there are HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF ALUMNI OUT THERE!!! Having a connection like “Hi I went to CSULB” or “Hi I went to Harvard” is such an EASY opener. People are very prideful of where they went to college and love to help fellow students. Seriously, that “.edu” email is your golden ticket! Use it!
• Join a professional organization. Let’s say you went to a non-target school and you don’t have as many resources as people who went to a target school. Join a professional organization like American Planning Association (example) and instead of saying what college you went to, you say you’re in APA. Now you have a TON of possible fresh connections you can make!
• Do personal projects on the side. Anything that is related to your dream job and that you think can give you an extra boost.

TLDR; EVERYONE (regardless of what school they attended) needs to be on their A-game, get involved on campus, get good grades to maximize their recruitment process. Those who attend “non-target” schools may need to have more initiative and put in more effort (recruiters may not have these schools on their lists, for example), but IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. THE MOST SUCCESSFUL INDIVIDUALS AREN’T BASED OFF SCHOOL NAME BUT IT’S BASED OFF THEIR INITIATIVE AND AMBITION. (College choice can be indicative of this but not always, obviously.) 

My manager would always remark that, “Perception is important.” And I would sort of shrug but now I’m really “getting” it. People will perceive you differently based off what you show or tell them (kinda like social media). 

Truthfully, I don’t think you can be too honest about your work to anyone (outside of your close friends and family), especially to your work colleagues. Take my situation for example. Since working from home since mid-March, I’ve been doing my work diligently and meeting all of my deadlines. 

Am I straight working for 8 hours? No. I’m doing laundry, cooking, hanging out with my dog, etc. 

Are all of my working hours busy and crammed with work? No. There are slow periods during my work day. 

Would I ever flaunt to my manager or colleagues that I enjoy working from home because I can do other things during the work day such as laundry, cooking, etc and that work can be slow at times? Not really. It would give the impression that I’m not hardworking and lack initiative.

Instead, I tell them I enjoy working from home because I no longer have to commute from work and have more time in my day. I tell them I meet my deadlines and I love my home office. I tell them working from home allows me greater flexibility in my life.

It’s not lying, but it’s making things appear “glossier” then they are. Or with a more professional tone.

Perception is very important. Be very mindful of your professional work image and how people perceive you. Don’t say things that may impact how people see you.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

– Theodore Roosevelt

This is something I struggle with to this day. I’ve had to learn that comparing yourself with others (friends, coworkers, strangers on the interweb, etc) and trying to dictate a “winner” DOES NO GOOD.

Recently, one of my friends finally got accepted into Physician’s Assistant (PA) school. I was told by a mutual friend of ours, who then remarked, “Did you know PAs make 150k after graduation? And up to $250k later on?” Qualifying her accomplishment with salary just felt weird to me - as if someone who earns less than $150k after graduation is “lower-tier.”

There are WAY TOO MANY variables out there that makes “comparing” difficult. No one is “better” than anyone just because of the career path they’ve chosen. For example: while doctors and lawyers are esteemed in our society, if you’ve never had any inclination to be a doctor or lawyer, you shouldn’t feel jealous of their career path and progress - after all, you were never interested in that path and if you had partaken in that route, you’d be likely unhappy. That’s my take anyway.

The only time you should be “comparing” yourself is when you’re looking at others in the same field you are in and seeing how their career projection was like. You can observe, analyze, and see how to use that information to help your own career growth. This is not a malicious intent but rather trying to foster your own development. You are not in competition with anyone but yourself.

If that’s not enough to sway you… there are multiple studies that research the relationship between income and happiness. This study from 2018 from Purdue University noted:

“Globally, we find that satiation occurs at $95,000 for life evaluation and $60,000 to $75,000 for emotional well-being.”

In other words, if you earn $95,000 or more, you reach the peak level of happiness. Of course there are different situations and each person has their own circumstances, but I think this is important to note.

My loose goal is to earn a 6-figure salary ($100,000 or more) around the time I graduate from my master program, and I honestly think I’d be happy with that. I am not materialistic, don’t go on crazy shopping sprees, and enjoy living below my means within reason. Money does not always equal happiness and if you truly believe that the more money you make, the happier you’ll be, you need to check why you believe that.

Woke up, and my mom is already in a bad mood. The thing is, she doesn’t internalize her emotions or try to work through them herself. If she’s in a bad mood, the ENTIRE house will 1) know it and 2) be affected by it.

My mom likes to start arguments for the STUPIDEST reasons. I genuinely think that she gets joy from starting drama, and that she acts out because she wants attention. My mom is an interesting person to study, to say the least.

Latest argument she initiated? Screaming at my dad for sleeping on the couch and drooling. She says it’s disgusting that saliva’s on the couch, that there’s a bed for a reason, that he’s lazy for falling asleep watching TV on the couch, etc. And to be fair, I get it - but at the same time, she is being WAY. TOO. DAMN. DRAMATIC. about this whole thing. 

So what if he drooled on the couch a bit? Make a note, have a calm discussion, move on. There is NO need to start an entire fight from this, wake up the entire house, and cause everyone to be in a bad mood and walk on eggshells. 

I had been really looking forward to moving out for grad school but then COVID-19 hit and everything is shut down. Grad school is online now and there is literally no reason for me to move out of my parents’ home (besides the toxic home environment which I can bear if I save $ and can graduate without debt lol). It makes ZERO sense for me to move out to my own apartment in LA, spend $1,200+ A MONTH on rent, when school is 100% online. So sigh, I’mma just vent about the situation instead.

I also am really, really, really(!!!) cognizant of my own behavior and making sure it doesn’t mimic or is similar to my mom’s. I absolutely HATE being compared to my mom or even used in the same sentence as her. I think by studying my mom and seeing what ticks her off, I learn what NOT to do as a person. How sad is that.

My parents were immigrants who fled their home countries to the USA. Living in a home that had constant clashes with their cultures & the American culture was definitely a struggle. 

I think from the outside, it may look like my family is picture-perfect: 3 daughters who all attended top-notch universities, 1 daughter married and expecting a child soon, the father enjoys working on cars in his free time, the mother appears to be a dutiful wife, etc. 

But like social media, everything is an illusion.

Growing up, my parents were very fierce and overprotective. Everything was a competition. My mom was a tiger mom, demanding all As and top grades. It was difficult to live in such a high pressure environment. Early on in our childhoods, my parents were abusive: both physically and verbally. This lessened as we were older (maybe around middle school) and their parenting grip lessened slightly, but the damage was already done. 

It’s funny reflecting back on my childhood because while I knew then that it was tough (and definitely different from many of my peers), it was all I knew and I somehow thought it was normal. Now I look back and realize, damn. (At the same time, I realize many others have had it worse.) I remember one instance where my mom was trying to teach us Mandarin and she would hit us with a chopstick for wrong responses. I remember my younger sister trying to hide a pillow under her shirt so the chopstick smacking her wouldn’t be as painful. I remember my mom cruelly laughing and saying, “Yeah? Call the police. They’ll take you away from here and you’ll be put in a worse home.” I think even then, my sisters and I knew the foster system wasn’t that great and at least my parents’ (mainly my mom’s) episodic rages were just that – episodic.

I used to genuinely think my mom was experiencing menopause symptoms: mood swings, irritability, etc and that things would get better once her hormones stabilized. But now I know better. It’s “lasted” for about 10 years at this point, and it’s pretty much her personality now. She was never experiencing menopause symptoms - it was a problem with her personality.

I remember getting into UC Berkeley and instead of congratulating me, my mom remarked, “Yeah but you didn’t get into UCLA” (the oneschool I hadn’t gotten accepted to). My mom was like that: constantly putting you down, reminding you of your failures. I think she gets some sort of satisfaction of bringing people down.

Dating was forbidden. Glancing at a boy too long on the car ride home or otherwise showing interest in the opposite gender would induce a long rant. “No, you are not allowed to date. Focus on school, academics, your life.” “No boyfriend.” “No.” This continued in college too. They dismissed the idea of romantic partners, urging to focus on school and academics only. Ironically, once I graduated college, my mom would then say “Where’s your boyfriend? Where are my grandkids?” It’s as if she thinks a boyfriend is something you easily find in a matter of days. I made a pact to myself that I will never tell my parents that I’m dating anyone for as long as I can - they simply don’t deserve to know.

I am grateful that I chose a college 400 miles away. I was able to escape their supervision and maintain a relationship through texts instead. I honestly would say this is the best time of our relationships: I was not feeling smothered or stuffed into a toxic environment. 

Now that I’ve graduated from UC Berkeley and am going to graduate school at UCLA this fall, I feel some sort of peace with myself. On one hand, I am proud of myself for everything I’ve accomplished and surely everything in my past has somehow led me to my present point, but on the other hand, I still feel very dismissive towards my parents. While they did raise me and affect me growing up (for better or for worse), I still feel a lot of resentment towards them for their maltreatment. 

How much leeway do they get? They fled their home countries because of war and struggles but can that excuse be used for 20-25+ years of abusive behavior? How can someone be expected to forget everything that happened and pretend the present times are all good and cheerful? I think that’s what I struggle with. I don’t ever see my relationship with my parents improving to the point where we are some cheerful American TV sitcom show – and I’m ok with that. The less interactions we have with each other, the better.

Because of COVID-19, a lot of workplaces have switched to home offices. Which, overall, I think is great! At first, transitioning from the office to home was a bit rough for me. But after tweaking some things, I LOVE working from home now. I also want to mention that I’m very grateful to have a job during this time.

Here are my pros & cons for working at home:

Pros:

• No more commute time: I’m saving about an hour a day from no longer having to commute to the office. That means, an extra hour to sleep!
• Increased savings: I’m saving money that would’ve been spent on gas, lunches/snacks, and impulsive “quick” runs from the store after work. From gas alone, I’m saving about $100 a month!
• Customized work office: I’d argue that most offices are pretty standardized. At home, I have things that are more personalized to me, because well, I bought them. I have a huge desk, a succulent plant from my garden that I can easily maintain, a very comfortable ergonomic office chair, and a cubby of snacks nearby. This overall improves my productivity and desire to work!
• Easy access to food: When I work from home, I typically grab food from my kitchen to eat and often do a working lunch. This means more time I can focus on doing work and clocking in my 8 hours sooner.
• Easy access to my dog: When work gets slow or hectic and I need a break, I can just walk outside to my backyard and play with my dog! This wouldn’t be an option if things hadn’t transitioned to home-offices. Usually when things get slow in the office, I just sit there and try to get through my 8 hours so I can leave and it definitely impacts my morale.

Cons: 

• Lack of privacy: Depending on who you live with at home, you may not have the best privacy at home. For example, my mom often talks on her phone with the speakerphone on (she won’t do headphones either) and would constantly disrupt me when I’m working. After a few conversations, this has subsided but it was definitely incredibly annoying for family members not to respect office time. They think that because I’m at home and visible, they can ask me to solve their problems and make phone calls for them at the drop of a hat with no consideration to my work schedule. It drives me crazy! 
• Lack of routine (at first): Initially, I struggled with the transition to work at home because I’m not used to change. I missed waking up early, grabbing coffee, taking time to think on my commute to work, etc. But I soon got used to my “new routine” and it’s been working ever since! 

Overall, I’m quite liking working from home. My company is flexible and in general, doesn’t micro-manage and I think this provides way to a comfortable, ideal working environment.

I will be going part-time (and entirely remote) in September so I’m hoping that this work-from-home situation lasts until then and I never have to return to the office… hehe.

What are your thoughts on working from home? Is it working well for you? Let me know!

Soooo I know it’s Father’s Day today - happy father’s day! I’ve celebrated with my family and told my dad.

But this made me kinda think about the holidays my family celebrates and honestly… how awkward they are.

My parents were immigrants who came from Asia to the United States (they are full US citizens now BTW). They have lived a hardened, tough life - even when they were already in the United States. They worked very hard to get to where they are now, and I don’t want to dismiss that at all.

Growing up, my parents were very strict and we had limited financial means. It’s weird to talk about it now because over the years, they have certainly lessened their tiger grip on parenting but growing up, it was very, very tight. I couldn’t go hang out with my friends unless it was related to some extracurricular club activity (Red Cross club, volunteering, etc) and for a purely social hangout, I really had to beg and plead my parents. Even if something didn’t require any money, I’d have to really beg for permission. Looking back on it now, I feel like my parents felt like by controlling us, it showed they cared (something they still do to this day). 

Academics were pushed on us heavily. Sports, relationships, free-time activities weren’t. Every second of my life before college was very geared towards academics and succeeding. I established a great work ethic and study schedule, so that was nice. I am thankful and grateful to my parents for working hard, that I always had a solid roof over my head, and that I always had food in my tummy.

You might be able to sense that I have some animosity with my mom through some of my previous posts. It’s true. Even though my parents had limited means and had a strict parenting style when I was growing up, my dad had a very kind and caring personality for the most part. He felt more human. My mom, on the other hand, has a different personality: never satisfied, always complaining, always comparing, easily upset, very temperamental. (As I’m typing this post, she’s screaming right now.) It is something I still can’t justify as being ok and it’s truly toxic behavior. Her personality has been constant from a young age to present times. Maybe she was stressed at how much she was working and so her temperamental behavior was a result of that; but I still don’t believe you should project this onto a small child. Maybe she has some underlying medical condition or personality changes she needs to enforce; but she should be responsible for her health - how can a small child do this?

I have anxiety and it’s managed well now (after some trials & errors with myself, admittedly) and if I try to pinpoint the root of my anxiety, I have to say it was my upbringing. If my mom came home from work in a bad mood, she would make it so EVERYONE would be in a bad mood. She would have yelling matches because our bathroom was not “clean enough” or be upset if I didn’t score high enough on an exam. She is never one to apologize, and always one to complain. She is manipulative and abusive. She is demeaning. She calls me fat, ugly, and stupid constantly. Her personality and my personality are just NOT compatible.

Hopefully that gives some background of my mom and how she raised us (and what she’s like today). Our family is very emotionally stoic (as most asian american immigrant families can be), particularly my parents. When it comes to holidays like Mother’s Days, it can be a little awkward. Yes, American culture dictates we have to celebrate this but internally, I feel awkward and forced: my mom was not a great mom. I understand she was raised in a different culture and had a tough upbringing but that surely can’t be an excuse to her toxic 20+ years of behavior, right? 

My dad, on the other hand, has some similarities with my mom (I mean, they both could improve tbh) but on the whole, is much more understanding and at least he doesn’t have mood swings like my mom. He is much more stable and compassionate. (Truly, their marriage isn’t all happy sunshine and smiles; it is more of a roommate situation almost. They don’t celebrate anniversaries or anything, and they’ve talked about divorce seriously a handful of times, including this year – buuuuuuuut that’s an entirely different post.)

With today being Father’s Day, I feel much more inclined to celebrate Father’s Day versus Mother’s Day (which of course my mom will not like). I think it’s this truly endless cycle: I respect people who respect me. My mom has not done that great of a job raising us and does not respect us so my behavior to her is similar; then she gets upset at this behavior and throws a mood swing. 

I think one of us has to be the bigger person somehow and let the whole 20+ years behind us. But I think to me, that is hard to swallow. I’m more inclined to be at tolerable terms with my mom. I don’t know if I can truly let go of 20+ years and pretend it doesn’t exist and move on and be chummy buds with my mom. Being in this mother-daughter relationship is honestly EXHAUSTING and TAXING on me - even at this level where I just try to live on tolerable terms with her. I know my older sister has somewhat let go of the past (largely influenced by her recent marriage & expecting a child early next year) and has a much warmer relationship with my mom, but admits that even then, my mom is a difficult person. 

To truly have a better relationship with my mom, I think I either have to let go of 20 years of history and/or live a much more distanced life from my mom, and not let her in too much. I currently do the latter, and since I have, my anxiety is much better.

Anyway, this is just a long rant that I had to get off my chest. These holidays celebrating parents (particularly mothers) are difficult for me and just weird, sometimes.

Alright, I’ve been feeling pretty annoyed with everyone around me. 

• My sister, for always coming into my room and literally just SITTING ON MY BED OR CHAIR and not saying anything. I think it irks me because it’s like “This is my room and my private space. If you need to ask me something, ask me and leave and let me enjoy my private time.” Like, I can’t even have privacy in my own damn room? Then, she gets mad that I’m “hiding something” but nope, I work from home, I sleep at home, I eat at home. I DO EVERYTHING AT HOME AND EVERYONE’S HOME AND I’M GETTING SICK OF EVERYONE BEING UP IN MY BIZZ. 
  
• My friend, for always texting me now that he’s out of grad school for the academic year. Like dude, our dynamic has NEVER been to text every god damn day. Now that he’s out of school, he’s had a lot more free time. And texting me really unnecessary things/small talk. But hey, hello I still have work full-time, apply to scholarships, work on my website, try to get up to speed on grad school (registering for classes soon), etc. I have a lot of activities that keep me busy and I don’t need these daily text messages! Plus, he’s always asking when I can go out to hang out since he’s so bored & I’m like “dude, I’m literally quarantining and I don’t leave the house unless it’s essential” ???? which is what everyone should be doing ????
• My mom, for being extremely temperamental. Before, I didn’t really know how to describe my mom adequately. I seriously thought she was going through menopause. But it’s been YEARS. Like 10 years. I thought possibly maybe bipolar disorder (I say this genuinely) but after looking into it more, I don’t think so. Now I think the best way to describe her is that she is very temperamental. Anything can tick her off and she’ll be in a bad mood for days. And you better believe, if SHE’S in a bad mood, she will make SURE everyone else is too.
• My dad, for coming into my room. This is similar to my sister, but he literally just comes into my room when the door is open to “check up” on me and most of the times I’m watching Netflix. Can a girl JUST GET SOME SPACE HERE PLEASE

I want to say this is pent-up and accumulated from 3 months of COVID-19 quarantine, plus probably some PMSing. But seriously, why is it so difficult for people to respect boundaries? I know I can communicate things better in general, so this is a learning situation for me too. Ughhhhh.

Anyone else feel the same way???