Everyone can tell I’m not myself lately. I hear, “are you alright?” Almost everyday now. I guess I’m not good at hiding my emotions like I used to. It feels weird to be slipping again. I never thought I’d be back to square one.
It’s not like I didn’t see this coming. I had been given signs. Why did this take me by surprise? He wasn’t my first love, but I believed him unlike anyone else. The part that hurts is the part I never thought I had to worry about. I knew he would move on. That isn’t anything I would lose sleep over. I didn’t think it would be someone I knew And that neither her nor him would mention how they met. Through me. I hated hearing in detail what had happened. I hate that I feel hurt. I shouldn’t even care. Maybe this will motivate me to move on and really get serious about someone. Someone that I had long ago written off as someone I could never get, but fuck it my heart is already broken what more is there to lose?
Idk if it’s the anxiety or what but tonight I’m crying myself to sleep because my identity is broken again. I want to reconnect but I often feel I don’t have a right, or someone reacts in a way that suggests they don’t feel I have a right and I don’t know who I’m allowed to be. This is what I identify with but it’s an extremely complicated issue and many people have such strong feelings about it which I hear about it often, so I’m afraid to reach out to seek validation.
My grandmothers are from other communities that I have no other connections with. I grew up here surrounded by these communities, and I’ve done what I can to learn about and contribute to them, but it doesn’t feel significant enough. It feels like these people and I don’t know each other well enough because I’ve kept to myself so much and only connected with a select few.
I’m so tired of feeling lost. I wish the memory of that person telling me to stop lying to myself was enough. I feel so stupid and gross about it.
