#transguy

It’s hard but I’ve got my kitten. #comingout #comingoutishard #trans #transguy #transboy #transgender #transpride #nonbinary #ftm #femaletomale #queer #lgbtq #genderqueer #pride #gay #gaypride #transandproud #selfacceptance #howtoacceptyourself

Transguy stimboard for anon

( sources: xxx xxx xxx)

#testosterone: week 53

Pronouns: it, he

I went to a party of gay men (there was one woman, a nonbinary AMAB & at least one bisexual, but the vibe was overwhelmingly mlm). There were several queens in attendance, albeit mostly out of drag. I knew a few people but was meeting most for the first time.

I’ve been in a gay male spaces before, especially as a drag performer, but I usually end up feeling hopelessly out of place amongst the muscular hunks & the imposter syndrome hits hard.

This time I did not feel this way. My friends made a point of checking in on me & a cute person flirted with me. There were very fit guys but also fat men, men in glasses, men with skin conditions, short men. Despite some cuddles & makeouts (not mine) the vibe was not overly sexual – guys were flirty & playful in a casually friendly way.

It made me nostalgic for the male friendships I had in high school, afternoons spent playing video games or making potato cannons. It was also better, because of the freely expressed affection I observed. Seeing men touching, kissing, dancing, showing off, laughing made my heart feel so full it might burst. I was overwhelmed with gratitude to be there, drowning in my love for men & the privilege of seeing them in such a carefree & vulnerable context.

In the morning I made breakfast & a few guys expressed their alienation from cooking. It was a sobering reminder of the many ways patriarchy fails men, leaving them reliant on women to meet their most basic needs. I want to organize a cooking class to help familiarize folks with a few easy recipes so they can feel confident exploring culinary art on their own.

When I left, two friends walked me to the door. They wished me a safe journey & asked me to text when I got in. I felt so loved & held I thought I would cry; the moment is seared into my memory, two bearded faces radiant with affection. I’m so glad I came out & can’t wait to see what the future holds.

#hrt #transitionjournal #nonbinary #gaytrans #gay #documentingtransition #fucktheCistem #t #HPonT #2ndpuberty #weveHadOneYesButWhatAbout2ndPuberty #TRANSatlantic #transman #transmasc #lgbt #transtrender #transguy #transsexual #homo
https://www.instagram.com/h.p.loveshaft/p/BuCL3_ohCt5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=112qc4nm87oei

#testosterone: week 52

Pronouns: it, he

A year on hormones! I can hardly believe it.

Face squared off in a way I really enjoy; I hadn’t realized how dysphoric its roundness had made me until it became more angular. I’m much happier with my appearance.

Hairline has likewise squared off, the temples receding dramatically. I hadn’t noticed how much closer women’s temples are to their eyebrows before now.

In other previously unrecognized dysphoria, I love my voice now where I hated it before. It’s much deeper & I’ve been singing more then ever.

Leg hair has darkened & my pubic hair has expanded to my inner thighs, ass & belly. Slight blonde hairs have appeared on my chin & a few on my sideburns.

My clitoris has grown & my smell has become heavier & muskier.

Skin & nails have thickened, spots have increased; small bumps on my legs & arms have become more numerous & angry red zits will occasionally appear on my shoulders & bottom, although not much more frequently than before.

Breasts have deflated somewhat & weight has shifted from my hips to my belly. Thighs have become wider back to front than side to side. The V at the bottom of my abdomen has become narrower & more pronounced.

I had anticipated building an exercise routine & hoped to be in better shape by now but I’m afraid that hasn’t happened. Nonetheless my arms have become larger & more muscular.

I cry less frequently & I’m horny all the goddamn time. When upset, I am more likely to anger when before I’d experience a wider range of negative emotions including sadness, helplessness & frustration. I’m quicker to make decisions & spring into action.

I feel more alone. Not necessarily in a sad way, just… more aware of myself as an individual rather than a member of the group. More likely to act on my own judgement than follow social cues. I worry that my self-centered behavior will push people away – with some it already has.

I’m glad I transitioned.

#hrt #transitionjournal #nonbinary #gaytrans #gay #documentingtransition #fucktheCistem #t #HPonT #2ndpuberty #weveHadOneYesButWhatAbout2ndPuberty #TRANSatlantic #transman #transmasc #lgbt #transtrender #transguy #transsexual #homo
https://www.instagram.com/h.p.loveshaft/p/BuCEKIOB4f4/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=wsc2os2qx1m7

#testosterone: week 50

Pronouns: it, he

A week ago I had my first T injection. Normally a dose so large would be administered into the gluteus but lacking trained medical professionals we elected to split it into two shots, one in each thigh muscle. For all my needle anxiety, the shot itself was all but painless.

The next day found me in agony which only increased as I preformed on my injuries. By day 5 the pain faded to a slight ache & day 7 found me back to normal.

Effects were immediate: my small spots have increased, doubling or even tripling in number. My weight shifting from my hips to my belly is a long term change but it feels like it’s happened more dramatically.

The hair on my belly has thickened slightly while the veins on my arms seem more prominent. A small patch of dark hairs has sprouted just under my lower lip, invisible unless I smile or otherwise flatten the area.

In high school I confessed a crush to a friend, whose response was, “you have a crush on everyone.” This hasn’t changed; I’m a little bit in love with all of my friends & have asked out a sizable fraction of my acquaintances. I wonder if testosterone makes me more likely to sexualize the people in my life? Between the wrestling, football & martial arts, my levels must have been high back then, too. I wish I had a larger sample size.

#hrt #transitionjournal #nonbinary #gaytrans #gay #documentingtransition #fucktheCistem #t #HPonT #2ndpuberty #weveHadOneYesButWhatAbout2ndPuberty #TRANSatlantic #transman #transmasc #lgbt #transtrender #transguy #transsexual #homo
https://www.instagram.com/p/BtUciGeB3gX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=16mvjgryymagw

#testosterone: week 49

Pronouns: it, he

A week without hormones. No dramatic changes, though I cried when talking about the importance of sex work a few days ago. My face seems softer & rounder in this photo but I’m sure it’s too subtle to notice in real life.

Outbreaks of spots have been strangely reassuring, as though attesting to still high testosterone levels. I was able to exercise a few times (squats, push-ups & planks) but finding the discipline has been a challenge.

Luckily, a friend was able to acquire an injectable dose for me! The doctor recommended shots this summer but I declined on account of my fear of needles. Unlike the daily topical application, this one will last 3 months; ideal for someone in my unstable situation.

The dose is 1000 mg which is standard but sounds so much higher than the 50 mg I’m used to. I keep imagining myself hulking out, a bushy carpet sprouting on my face & chest as my now bulging biceps tear my clothes to ribbons.

While it’s unlikely to be so dramatic, injections are known to be more effective than gel. I wasn’t particularly fussed about speeding the process along –everything is happening pretty fast already, honestly – I can’t help but be excited to see what happens next.

I had some uncertainty this week; am I actually trans? Maybe I’m a confused woman. But trans men can be gay, effeminate bottoms. If we depathologize transness & queerness (i.e. hold them as valid identities rather than aberration) then wanting to be a gender is as good as being a gender. I asked friends how they knew they were trans but did not see myself in their stories of presenting clearly as their gender, of knowing from a young age. Sure, I have stories of playing with boys & feeling so much more comfortable than with girls, discomfort increasing as hormones made hangouts more fraught. I still don’t know what maleness is, but I think it feels better; but the social costs of transition remain scary.

#hrt #transitionjournal #nonbinary #gaytrans #gay #documentingtransition #fucktheCistem #t #HPonT #2ndpuberty #weveHadOneYesButWhatAbout2ndPuberty #TRANSatlantic #transman #transmasc #lgbt #transtrender #transguy #transsexual #homo
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs60Sr1hb8s/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=j1olxwsfz33j