#personal vent

I’m really just trying to get through each day now. I barely have a fight left in me. The worst part? Knowing there’s years ahead before I’ll get to the gender identity clinic and even longer before I can start my medical transition.

I have a love hate relationship with the NHS. I love that it exists, I love the people who work in it and I love all the good they do. What I hate? Having to wait literally years to even get an appointment with the one service I need when any other service takes a month or two at most (most services in most areas) in normal times.

I want to go private but I can’t afford it. I hate this. I don’t want to feel like I’m begging for money because I know their are people in worse situations who need more. I made a fundraiser before but I took it down because I felt like I didn’t deserve peoples help. I just want to feel happy again and I can’t even remember the last time I did.

Kind of a personal, unhinged, manic ramble. But it’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m just in that kind of mood.

So, there’s nothing concrete yet because nobody answers emails at 1 in the morning in a Saturday. But.

I just applied for a position in the funeral home for my favourite cemetery in the city I live in. I’m not the top candidate because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in anything, but it said on the listing that the degree wasn’t a necessary qualification— only a preferred one. But I have all the mandatory qualifications, including nearly 6 years of experience in customer service. Benefits of being poor as shit and joining the workforce in high school, I guess.

Anyway. I know it sounds weird to be excited to the point of mania over the possibility of working in a funeral home and helping grieving families bury their dead relatives. I know exactly how that sounds. But I really love this cemetery for a lot of reasons. And my little goth ass has wanted to work in a cemetery literally as long as I can remember. I’d like to be a groundskeeper, but I’m not physically capable. Which sucks. But the bright side is there’s still something I can do there and I really hope I at least land an interview. I’m just really excited and I hope that if I scream about it to enough people my ancestors will hear me and make it happen for me.

Just. I’m really excited and I hope I came across the job listing for a reason. I’m not sure how much I believe in anything like fate or destiny, but I think things have a way of working out in the long run.

Why do single men absolutely refuse to stock their refrigerators and this guy can’t cook at all I’m starving

your bones are weary and broken

your heart is your only token

in this lost and troubled world

the ideas in your head that once swirled

are now immobile and rusted

i am now just someone you trusted.

i am terrified of how quickly things change, circumstances change, feelings change and people change. it scares me to think about letting someone in and trusting them with my life, my emotions and then them just changing their mind about me.

A Letter to my unrequited love - II

{Confessions of a scorpio moon}

You’d dump your trauma on me and I’d take it all happily, thinking it’d help you feel better, lighter. I thought you deserved to feel the happiest. And I’d easily swap your pain with the rare moments of joy I managed to feel. I stayed up at nights listening to you vent about your failed relationships, madly in love with you, shattering silently on the floor of my bedroom, ignoring my pain and paying heed to yours. You always came first, right? You were so dreamy, how could anyone ever hurt you? It felt absolutely cruel. I wanted to nurse your wounds and it was honestly too late when I realized that I was burning myself all throughout to warm you up. I didn’t stop though. Why would I? You were someone I’d never want to lose. You made me feel wanted for a short amount of time. Your scraps of love and attention made me feel like a queen. I felt so loved. It touched my heart. No one ever expressed that kind of love to me before. I didn’t even love myself half as much as I loved you. I was trained to be a giver, to cater to everyone else’s needs and the same pattern unfolded here. You kept depleting me of the little love I had and I didn’t mind it. We both would pour our love into you and I’d watch you bloom. You’d give your love to everyone except me. I wanted to claim a piece of your love. Your time. Your attention. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to go deep into your psyche to understand and explore every bit of you. Everything you did made me fall for you harder and harder. It seemed to me like you enjoyed hurting me. Making me wait. Watching me get jealous. Triggering my childhood wounds. You’d feel cocky and arrogant knowing I was so desperate to talk to you. I’d sacrifice my self-respect and initiate a conversation all the time. You’d play it cool. You were cool. But you were cold. And distant too. You often called me names, insulted me and made me feel like trash. You didn’t hesitate to walk all over me or use me like your punchbag. You took your anger out on me and I took the abuse not knowing how to pull myself out of the mess I got into.

I have spent sleepless nights trying to figure out what why I wasn’t enough. I questioned my worth several times. I never felt like I could match up to you. I could never meet you up there. The more I loved you, the more I began to hate myself. I didn’t love myself even half as much as I loved you. It didn’t make sense to me. But I didn’t care. Until you broke my heart. Brutally. You stabbed my back with a smile on your face. Damn, your smile. It melted my broken heart. I couldn’t bring myself to hate you. But I had to. I had to do something about it. I had nothing left. I felt hopeless and powerless. It was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Had it been a little sooner, I wouldn’t have to move mountains to heal myself. Maybe it’d come easy.

Thank you for being the braver one among the two of us. One of us had to do it. One of us had to break my heart. Thankyou for leaving me broken. I’ve built it stronger this time. Don’t bother knocking on the door. You’re not welcome.

-R

pls someone slap the simp out of me im getting to a critical state at this point im like smiling when i think about him and stuff what the fuck

did i make the same mistake again?

the power that you hold

making me forget my name

for you, your smile, your sapphire eyes

i hope this time we will last longer

i hope this time the feeling in my stomach doesn’t disappear

i’ll try to make you feel alright

as though i didn’t break your heart

i’ll take you as you are this time

i’ll try not to hope for a fantasy

but you know, im a poet

and a dreamer

i’ll set the pace

and hope you’ll follow

i want to be closer to you

you make me feel like no one else has

the power that you hold

you’re magical

there is a slug

on my body

it weighs me down

when im in bed

it seems so hard

just to get up

my body is tired

it hurts all over

the slug is strong

but i won’t let it win

i need to cry

but i think

my tears will run out

before this feeling goes away

the parasite inside my brain

has left my skull

it’s sitting on my head and making me feel heavy

my limbs are barely hanging on

my head is falling to the floor

it’s telling me

“snap out of it”

but im afraid i have forgotten

how it feels to be okay

it’s getting harder to wake up everyday

walking to school has never felt so tiring

i haven’t had a rest in weeks

no wonder im falling apart

I’m tired

My head feels heavy

I’m starting to feel it again

The loss of hope

The greying of the colors

The ticking of the clock

The sighs

The music in a loop

The restlessness

The emptiness

I’m full of emptiness.

Full.

Of.

Emptiness.

I feel like throwing plates

I feel like throwing plates on the ground

I feel like screaming from a cliff

I feel like sobbing in the bathroom

I feel like my playlist doesn’t get me

I feel like I’m lonelier than i think i am

I feel like im numb inside

I feel like I’m faking it

I feel like im going insane

I feel like im terrified of the future

I feel like this is the only way of expressing my feelings

I feel like this poem is my escape

I feel like this is my therapy

I feel like im going insane

literally i hate my fucking dad and i made my sister mad but its not her fault this time its mine. my dad started an arguement with my sisters and oldest sister (we’ll just say W bc i feel like its annoying to keep repeating the same words over and over again) (almost) always falls into his trap bc he wants arguments so i told him to leave my sisters alone so W got mad at me bc she wanted to speak up for herself/she was mad at him so i left and closed my door. i’ll just apologize later but i feel like she probably won’t accept it (thats fine its her choice on what to do with it)

Time for a little vent post

It hurts so much that the girl I like replaced me so easily. She finds out her other friend likes her and the next day it’s like nothing ever happened between us. We talk every day like everything is normal but every time she brings her friend up and gushes about them it hurts more each time. I know her and I would never work out anyway because long distance doesn’t work for me and I don’t think it works for her either. But fuck it hurts seeing her liking someone else as if her and I weren’t acting like we were dating weeks ago. She doesn’t even know how much it hurts because I don’t want to be a jerk. I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset. But fuck was I really that easy to replace? I think I jinxed myself at my last therapy session, “things are getting better I think” well this is the exact opposite of better.

Yet another vent post, tw for self harm

I can’t wait for the days where I’m finally better. The days where I can shower and not wince because it stings on my thighs again. The days where I can wake up and not cry about it. The days where I can actually motivate myself to sit up in bed. The days where I don’t break down and rely on a fucking blade to numb me. The days where I can go out and socialize and not be cooped up anymore. I really can’t wait but I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen.

I just want to be happy man. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel content. I want to be able to fall asleep without worrying about every little thing until 6am. I want to be able to live instead of just survive.

Another vent post because I just don’t know what to do with all of my feelings because I can’t tell her how I feel so I guess I’ll just tell tumblr LMAO

I couldn’t sleep last night because no matter what I thought about my brain kept going back to her. I wish I could spend Halloween with her. My favorite holiday with my favorite person. I hope her and her new boyfriend have a good time, if they spend the holiday together. I really just want her to be happy so I really hope he treats her as amazing as she is. I hope she doesn’t feel like she isn’t good enough for him like she did during our relationship. I hope she realizes just how great and perfect she is. Everytime I close my eyes I just see her. Everytime I think, I think of her. I wish she were here with me right now. I’d give anything to have her.

I miss her so much :( she is all I’ve wanted for three fucking years. Why can’t we just work? Why is it always so complicated with her? I just want her here. It’s been over three months since she broke up with me and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I thought everything was going great. I was actually happy. I just want her.

The weirdest thing about me, at least to neurotypical family members, is sometimes I use my kins as a way to identify how I’m feeling because I have hard time recognizing my emotions when I’m tired and having a foggy thoughts day.

It helps me but try explaining to nt people that you figured out your being a bitch because the thing you were optimistic about fell through and you want to be destructive because you compared your feelings to a fictional character’s actions and found a safer outlet based on what a different character would do if they were in that situation. Sometimes they get it, most times they don’t.

I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person. I’m a terrible person.

The problem with being a child/teen who is “so mature/grown up for his/her/their age” is that when you do slip up, act silly, make a mistake, or even crack an immature joke, EVERYONE teachers, parents, and hell even fellow peers are like “I would never expect that from you…” or some other disappointed and scathing comment. It makes these kids clamp down on any age appropriate urge they have and suppress themselves to always be on their “best behavior” because that disappointment hurts more than anything.

So, as a reminder to “mature for their age” kids out there from someone who was one: it is okay to make mistakes and fuck up. Weather it’s not doing so well on a test, calling out in class, not paying attention when you should have been, etc. Really. It is. It isn’t the end of the world, and not to be cheesy, but no one can’t be perfect 100% of the time. It’s okay to goof off sometimes to just let loose and have fun. In fact it’s good for your mental sanity! Trust me. It’s okay to laugh at and make “crass” or “low brow” humor like dick and boob jokes. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t ever be ashamed of yourself. You rock and I’m proud of you.