Fuck this Flight Rising event. Folks get multiple eggs and find 20+ chests a night, and I’m somehow only finding fucking 4 chests per night. Even the asshole mimics in the Coliseum don’t want to give me chests. Like, I understand that everything is random, but come the fuck on. Something ain’t right, here.

Russia-Ukraine war: Marine Le Pen wants France out of NATO

Another neo nazi dictator lower than pond scum to watch out for….

i am just feeling wretched today and every little wretched bit of wretchedness is only making my more wretched, i am not fit company for man or beast and yet! somehow! i have to be in my own company, this is intolerable

also i have the nagging feeling that i’ve hit that tipping point where my fics are now too long and OC-riddled and poorly-paced and I am now going to have to gently coast my way downward as I did with my weird star wars comicsverse series to wind up as many of my plot points as I can before I finally am too tired to continue alone in the dark, so– i mean– if you were gonna let me know you’re still reading, now’d be a good time, i need a last bit of motivation to get to the exciting wind-up bits of all of it because of course i’ve spent so much time setting shit up for this inevitable payoff… I don’t think I can blame it on a Monday update so much as on all the above things I just mentioned.

I have got to learn fucking pacingy’all.

Cute little whine

People who steal bike lights: 

No it’s not that I have to spent a few more bucks for a new one. And not because I have to make plans and to emotionally connect to a spanking new piece of plastic. I am glad it entertained you. And quite frankly, if happiness comes so easy, I will be giving out free bike lights on the street.

You see, I forgot to bring the lights in. And it’s most likely my fault, that I deserve to navigate unlit side streets, hitting every potholes and bumps and jolt my brain. And that, I cannot find the keyhole to my door in the dark patio. And that, a drunk person may run out in their stylish black attire. And that, it will be hard for the parked driver to not “door” me. And that, I may not give enough notice to a car at the crossroad. I shouldn’t have biked. Too physically or mentally weak to push my bike up the slope home. It’s all my fault. Thou I did enjoy the fact you’ve granted me excuse to curse and swear in different manners and languages.

No it’s never about the bike lights. It’s the value in safety. If you steal my wheels and seat, I will understand that buy you happiness that last more than a few minutes and maybe a few beer. You, my friend however, use the light well. You better be dancing to that thing like it’s a disco ball.

I keep saying that I don’t like bondage/rope and/or that it’s boring, not unless it’s also sadistic. I don’t know if that’s actually true. I know non-sadistic rope isn’t at the top of my list, but I think I do like some aspects of it. I haven’t actually had anyone tie me up in weeks, but I did enjoy last time, or at the very least I certainly didn’t find it boring. And I actually do think I’d like some long term bondage, like being tied to something for a while, or at least I want to try it.

But for some stupid reason I’ve now said that I don’t like it and it’s boring a bunch of times. Probably some silly thing because other people I know are super super into it and I’m not. I guess I feel like I should, and I can’t accept myself because jerkbrain, so then I have to be totally contrary and negative, since I’m upset with myself for not being a certain way.

And now I feel embarrassed and mad at myself and like I’ve pigeonholed myself to Reaction Junkie and others as really disliking bondage, when I’m at worst neutral, and more realistically, do enjoy it somewhat.

Haha no I didn’t do anything except eat, lay around, and watch Netflix. I should probably go to bed since I need to work all day tomorrow, but I’m not tired and I don’t want to sleep. I feel alone and lonely and sad and self-loathing and at a loss. I wish I could just let go, but I can’t.

So right now I’m crying and I hate myself and my life and I’m angry and sad and feel hopeless.

But I’ll probably do some rope in a bit so maybe I’ll feel less terrible for a little while.

Is there a way to disable the “Expand” feature? I’m scrolling tumblr on a double monitor setup, not some little phone screen. Show me the whole damn post, like you used to do.

why have I only ever seen the phrase “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” used in the context of people who have excessive work ethic to the point of disrespecting others for resting, when the phrase has so much potential as something you say with manic confidence right before bursting into tears when looking at your work schedule

In my life, in visual media, I have seen exactly one character who has hair like mine.

Oh, I’ve seen plenty of characters who have the same color, and even some who have the same haircut as I have or have had. But I’ve only ever seen one character who has the same frizzy, “messy in the if I don’t spend an hour blow drying it it’ll do whatever it wants way, not messy in the artfully messy way” hair.

And even then. They changed the character’s hairstyle pretty much as soon as they could. Tamed it down. Made it look “better”. It went from messy, frizzy, flared out just like my hair does to “curly”.

There is such a difference. My hair needs lots and lots and lots of work to be neat. Like I said, I have to spend quite a long time blow drying it if I want it to be neat- and most of the time, I just don’t have time to do that. If it’s dry when I put it up, I need to use gel to get it to stay put or it will just escape. If I don’t have leave in conditioner and anti-frizz gunk (technical term) in my hair, it turns into a mess, even pulled back into a braid or bun.  Little frizzies escape everywhere.

My hair, when it’s long enough, flares out into a triangle shape if I leave it down. it’s certainly long enough now. It doesn’t hang straight, but it’s not curly. It’s more than wavy, but it doesn’t really have defined curls. I mean. Sometimes it does, but more often it’s just a mess of waves. When it’s short, it has to be very short to hide the mess and frizz.

And in my life I have have seen curly haired protagonists, I have seen straight haired protagonists, and I have seen one protagonist who has hair like mine, but only in the first movie. In following movies, they made her hair curly and so much more controllable than mine is. It never again reached the same absolute mess that mine does.

I hated that change. I liked seeing a main character who had hair like mine.

But my hair isn’t “pretty” enough to be on screen.

I miss feeling fannish about anything. I haven’t felt in love with anything since Elementary, and I miss it. I miss loving something enough to want to write fanfic for it. I miss having a fandom, a community. I feel like so much of my life right now is externalized- my friends, my family, my job, my responsibilities- and that I don’t really have anything that is just mine, just for me, and that really sucks in a lot of ways. My partner is very encouraging and wants me to take time to write, but I have no inspiration, nothing that I want to write. And I’m not really sure how to fix that.

An Eld-hair-post for Almárë :)

What it is supposed to look like:

What the hairdresser did to ‘fix’ the mess they made:

What it looks like now:

A little bit of angsting and worrying about my art beneath the cut

Soon it’ll be time to apply for universities again, and I don’t know what to do. When I grew up I always thought I was going to be an artist, but now I’m not so sure anymore. As soon as drawing becomes a chore I loose all motivation and creativity, and I don’t know if it’s just lack of discipline or if it’s always going to be like this. I’ve always drawn the most when I’m not supposed to, like in math classes and such. I’ve applied to a few art school but I’ve never gotten in. It’s so much competition and I just feel like I’m not good enough. 

And because of this, I have no idea what to do now. If I’m not gonna be an artist, what else? I need to make a choice and it’s just… scary. I’m thinking of trying out some other creative jobs, like cooking or flower arranging, but I’m afraid that if I don’t try to make a career in art now I’m just gonna regret it later in life.
I’m also worried because if I don’t choose an career in art, what am I going to do with these skills I've acquired? Am I just going to become an adult and not have time for drawing anything again? Is becoming an uneducated part time freelancer an option while I do something else?  

Has anyone else felt like this? Being lost after high school because an art career doesn’t sound appealing anymore?  

What’s the point?

I have so many hot stories to tell and pictures to share (and even wanna gush about the really hot sex I had yeaterday abd this morning!), but it just feels pointless. I’d just started getting better at using this blog and I’m still whining about all of this.

Look Amazon Prime, I did a thing and it wasn’t even that hard, sometimes giving original characters some familiar features is kind of good, ok? I know I know…. elves looking like fans expect them to look is sooooo weird and unheard of…but maybe…try?

• Elves with short hair are not elves. They are Men with strange ears and not allowed to enter my mental Hot Elves with Gorgeous Hair temple.
• Short hair on Tolkien elf is a blasphemy.

Thank you Amazon Prime, because of your “creative” design choices I have created a new religion for myself just in one day.