psyched-for-you:

Mentally ill people don’t owe you their illness history for you to take them seriously. Don’t ask a person with ptsd “what happened”, don’t ask a psychotic person if they’ve been hospitalized, don’t force someone to show you their scars or otherwise ‘prove’ their right to call themselves mentally ill.

Curiosity is not inherently wrong, but remember that this is someone’s life and trauma you’re prying into. Saying that we struggle with a mental illness can be necessary information to share, and is usually not meant as an invitation to discuss our personal worst nightmare in polite company.

Funniest moment of the series so far…

The cute!

Yes, please.

lotus-eyedindiangoddess:

littlejournaloflife:

lotus-eyedindiangoddess:

imnotrevealingmyname:

mrmeriwether:

compassionatereminders:

If you accidentally hurt someone or cross their boundaries and they make you aware of this, literally all you have to do is apologize and stop. You don’t have to beat yourself up internally for months. You don’t have to hate yourself for fucking up. You don’t have to feel like a horrible person. No one benefits from any of that - and at worst, such an extreme reaction will make the person in question less likely to speak up around you in the future, cause even if your negative reaction is directed at yourself and not at them, it’s still unpleasant for everyone involved.

I’ve found it reassuring to realize that this WILL happen to you, on both sides of the scenario, lots and lots of times over the course of your life. Like, you don’t have to have done something wrong to find yourself in this exact spot. Could be someone you just met, could be your decades-long closest friend.

If someone tells you you’ve hurt them without realizing, it’s because they want you to stop hurting them. Not that you’re an evil person. Not that you deserve punishment. Just, like cut it out. If my cat can forgive me for bumping into him when heading to the bathroom in the dead of night, my friends can forgive me for my less literal stumbles.

There will be a bajillion nuances and edge cases and exceptions to this but like, literally just do your best not to hurt others, listen to them when they say you did, and take steps to not do it again in the future (these steps do NOT include punishing yourself, physically or mentally).

And when someone steps on your metaphorical tail in the metaphorical dark, TELL THEM. And then grant them the space to correct their behavior without the threat of holding a grudge.

Also, if someone oversteps your boundaries over and over despite you telling them to stop, and then turns back around and absolutely wrecks your mental health when you accidentally overstep once (even after you apologize multiple times and ask how to make amends) DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP. Seriously. No matter how many times they tell you that you’re the asshole here, you’re not. You made a genuine mistake and then tried to make amends. They repeated their mistake despite several requests to stop. It’s not the same thing.

Want to add, when you apologise and ask for the other person’s boundaries and they REFUSE to give it to you making you guess and keeps trying to make you look like the asshole, though you’re trying your HARDEST to do what’s best for both of you, and make up for what you did… Please don’t beat yourself up. You have done everything you can. You asked for their boundaries, you apologised, you offered to make up for it but if they’re not allowing you any room to grow or make up for it in favour of seeing themselves as a victim that is not on you. Sometimes we have to accept that we did the best we could in that given situation and move on.

I want to add somethIng that isnt comon or almost no one talks about, but mentall illnes can affect boundaries

I have adhd and Discover later some spectrum of autism as am a literal thinker, i have a hard time understanding boundaries, SO i step on some accidently whitout Even seeing them, usually i look to understand because i cant SEE visually in My mind the boundarie they’re claiming, so i need help from other people to understand, one time someone acuse me of being disrespectful, because i questioned instructions, this provoque that the persón felt judged and that i was correcting them, when the reality was ….that i didnt understand them, it got worse because well i didnt understand how i was disrespect them, i try to explain why i didnt Say or meant any of that ,of course i was met whit denial, wasnt allowed to explain or was refuse to be given an explanation because they brought New diferent subjects to complain, after such subjects pass days away

Doing some research, it turns out that they twist My words, changing the meaning of My phrase, but in the end i apologize, i don’t know if i should have or not because Even thoug it was an accident, the other persón twisted My words, this usually happens when someone is trigered by a Word or a phrase so i don’t think someone was being tóxic, after all ,hurt people hurt other people, and like it or not, this is comon to happen

I believe mental illnes can affect boundaries and how we present them or understand them, in My case, i question everything because i have a hard time understanding a world that wasnt Made for me, and if i don’t understand something, then is hard for me to do it, add to that the fact that it takes me time to understand, i need to reread things, or rephrase them whit words i can get it and it can take a time, to put Cherry on the top, i overexplain, alot, not as to excuse myself, but as to explain, this is important to me because is like i repeat the code of a program to a duck toy to SEE where is the mistake i made, of course since My brain works on a diferent channel , AM the one who understand the things i Say

And thats what drive people mád

But it doesnt mean i can’t comunícate at all, people love to get into the conclusión that i Will never undertsand this world, truth is ,i understand it PERFECTLY well, but not in the way the mayority of people do

So to resumen, respecting boundaries are at times more complicated Than accidently steping on them, making you aware is not the same as knowing how to not do it again, at times Ur denied an explanation, at others the boundarie isnt clear and a person can contradict they’re own boundaries, and an apology can only works if You undertsand what Ur apologizing and how to not doit again, apologizing just to keep the peace Will mean that You’re probablie going to doit again, to all of that, You don’t have to Beat yourself for it

Not everyone have clear boundaries, Even You can struggle whit it and not everyone is looking to step on them,at times we don’t SEE it, clear or not, lógic or not, boundaries can and Will crash whit other people boundaries and it doesnt mean urs are less or more, don’t beat yourself for it either

Just don’t Best yourself

Omg this summed up many of my issues with certain people actually. “an apology only works if you know what you’re apologising for” yes! This is so true, that most people who say they have their boundaries violated, refuse to tell you what you are apologising for, where EXACTLY you went wrong and how you can make it better. It’s like they expect you to just know, but that’s not always possible. Sometimes we won’t know, and we ask then we get accused of “pushing them too much” when all we want to know is, where did we go wrong? How do we make it right? And when people don’t say that and keep accusing us of things we never did then I’m afraid it’s not going to help anyone. It’s not like many of WANT to step on boundaries and KNOW that we are, and it happens… And I honestly feel, if you want someone to be understanding of your boundaries, you have to be understanding when someone accidentally steps on it and asks for how, when, what and how they can make it right. Especially when it comes to ND folks, we genuinely don’t do it on purpose.

When it comes to this, no one consider neurodivergent people and boundaries

did you know that  executive functions are needed to achieve any kind of purposeful activity such as reaching a goal, driving a vision forward, or conquering an objective. The brain relies on three essential processes:

Attention: the ability to focus on relevant stimuli, and block out what is not relevant: “Pay attention!”

Inhibition: the ability to “not do” certain actions that could be distracting, irrelevant, or even destructive: “Don’t do that!”

Working Memory: the ability to retain and access relevant information for reasoning, decision making, and taking future actions: “Remember and build on relevant information.”

The recognition of boundaries requires executive functioning, which can be in short supply with people who have experienced chronic trauma OR have executive dysfunction, wich is what some neurodivergent people strugle, like ADHD

Executive dysfunction is a term for the range of cognitive, emotional and behavioural difficulties which often occur after injury to the frontal lobes of the brain.

Some common signs of executive dysfunction are:

• Being late to social activities, meetings, appointments, school, or work.
• Difficulty making deadlines.
• Problems paying attention.
• Not remembering things.
• Losing possessions.
• Lack of properly prioritizing tasks.
• Behavioral outbursts.

Between others, steping on a buoundarie results on a bad behaviour, defiance at its finest. But there is way more going on than just defiance, a simple request can be dismissed our brains function diferent in one or more ways than is considered standard or typical.

is NOT BAD BEHAVIOUR OR DEFIANCE!!! is not they dont care,or dont have feelings and is definitly not that theyre bad people, REMEMBER were wired diferent than you, trauma or mental illnes can change that in a big way.

Understand not everone cant, NOT “wont” or “refuse” , BUT THEY JUST CAN´T because mentall illnes and trauma disrupt the executive functions , one of the primary characteristics of executive functioning is working memory wich can cause you to forgot someones boundarie, it also includes self-control, nuerodivergent people or those who have experienced chronic trauma lack inhibitory control, or inhibition, which is the trait that keeps us from doing things impulsively, so we realize too late when a boundarie have been crossed.

Expecting a person who’s executive functioning, logic, and reasoning has been hard hit by trauma or mental illnes, to start behaving logically, remembering what you said, or stop themselves from taking something that isn’t theirs, is like expecting a child who’s bound to a wheelchair to “just stand up and start walking!”

When a boundarie is crossed or we dont see it ,we may not be able to legit stop ourselves, and you might thing “this an excuse for theyre behavior” but youre not, theres way to help someone who just can’t seem to recognize or adhere to boundaries:

Respond calmly and firmly: wont lie ,is hard ,specially when we feel violated or disrespected but it’s important to remember that the lack of regard for a boundary is not necessarily defiance but a disruption in executive functioning your response is crucial, so you need to be calm and firm, not offensive words, not passive agresive attacks, most be like : 

“Hey pal, remember I told you about this subject and that i dont like to talk about it? You need to make this right and stop the subject”

not demanding, not threatening or handing down a consequence (yet),  simply stating what the person did, and asking them to make it right, but also have in mind that they might not know or understand youre boundarie, and is not because you arent being clear, as our executive function isnt working as it should, we may lack to know what boundarie we cross, be calm and explain as detailed as you can, why this hurt you and how they can make it right. Neurodivergent people need to know the “why” of some things in order to do them, is vital for them, you may not understand why doing this, but it will make things better.

You will see a world of difference when you respond like this.

Repeat, repeat, repeat: i know is frustrating or wonder if youll ever stop repeating yourself, reality is …NEVER. You may have to continue to repeat the boundary. “Remember to bring this subject” “remember to give me space” “remember to respect this limit of mine” this come whit the next point hand in hand

Walk with, not over: you may be fill whit frustration but you may need to walk whit your friend, familiar or partner as they makes a crossed boundary right,  Because of the disruption in executive functioning, they may simply not be able to do it on their own, if it frustrate you, you can let someone else help you to explain them what boundarie they cross and how to make it right

As much as you want them to suddenly recognize the social miscue, or violation of someone’s personal property, or disrespect, they may not have the ability.

We need to walk with them. This not only repairs boundaries, but you have the opportunity to build trust and connection with this person in the process. Win-win!

I know as someone whit adhd that i can´t at times see other peoples boundaries, it doesnt mean i dont care or that am a bad person, my brain works diferent and my  executive functions doesnt work like it should, but i can make things right, however i will struggle, and being mean, rude or punishing me when i dont know what i did wrong, is never going to work, it will probablie encourage me to not even try because of the damage am receiving to the point that i will attempt to avoid it, and it can result on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.

Remember, neurodivergent people are not people who doesnt respect boundaries, but people who CANT RECOGNIZE BOUNDARIES

there´s a diference, and you need to learn it to make things work 

1. They twist your words and use them against you.

2. They’re mean – but then they say that you misunderstood them.

3. They make you feel guilty for saying, no.

4. They act cold towards you if you don’t do what they want.

5. You never feel as if you meet their expectations.

6. You feel as if you’re walking on eggshells all the time.

7. You constantly feel anxious about the relationship.

8. It causes you to question your own sanity.

If you are just starting out on your swinging adventure, or are at the stage where you have your own coffee mug at the local swinger club, you would have already picked up on the important concept of boundaries. 

But how does context affect these boundaries?.

HeyBDSMcommunity,pleaseusesafewords!!! In fact, anyone who’s sexually active, use them safewords!!!

ENTHUSIASTICCONSENT!!!WOOO!!!

Enthusiasticinformedsoberconsent.

In other news, no kinkshaming, unless your kink is something that could get you or your partner(s) seriously hurtorkilled!!! Or jailed, try not to go to jail if you can help it.

Have a happy happy day!~

Always remember to set boundaries! Boundaries are EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. Respect boundaries, both OTHERS’andYOUR OWN.

Choose your hard

2/14/2021

9/18/2020

Seriously. I’ve been way too nice, all things considered

9/13/2020

1/1/2020