If your boss or academic advisor says something like “I don’t want you to see me as an authority figure,” that’s a major red flag. It almost always means that they want to get away with breaking the rules about what powerful people are allowed to do. They’re probably not treating you as an equal. They’re probably trying to exercise more power over you than they should.
Sometimes authority figures say “I don’t want you to see me as an authority figure” because they want you to do free work for them. The logic here works like this:
They want you to do something.
It’s something that it would be wrong for an authority figure to order you to do.
If they were a peer asking for a favor, it would be ok to ask, and also ok for you to say no.
The authority figure wants you to obey them, but they don’t want to accept limits on what it’s acceptable to ask you to do.
For purposes of “what requests are ok to make”, they don’t want to be seen as an authority figure.
They also want you to do what they say. It’s not really a request, because you’re not really free to say no.
For example:
It’s usually ok to ask your friends if they would be willing to help you move in exchange for pizza. It’s never ok to ask your employees to do that.
It’s sometimes ok to ask a friend to lend you money for medical bills (depending on the relationship). It’s never ok to ask your student to lend you money for a personal emergency.
Sometimes authority figures pretend not to have power because they want to coerce someone into forms of intimacy that require consent. They know that consent isn’t really possible given the power imbalance, so they say “I don’t want you to see me as an authority figure” in hopes that you won’t notice the lines they’re crossing. Sometimes this takes the form of sexual harassment. Sometimes it’s other forms of intimacy. For instance:
Abusive emotional intimacy: Excepting you to share your feelings with them, or receive their feelings in a way that’s really only appropriate between friends or in consented-to therapy.
Coming to you for ongoing emotional support in dealing with their marital problems.
Trying to direct your trauma recovery or “help you overcome disability”.
Asking questions about your body beyond things they need to know for work/school related reasons.
Expecting you to share all your thoughts and feelings about your personal life.
Analyzing you and your life and expecting you to welcome their opinions and find them insightful.
Abusive spiritual intimacy: Presuming the right to an opinion on your spiritual life. (Eg: Trying to get you to convert to their religion, telling you that you need to pray, trying to make you into their disciple, telling you that you need to forgive in order to move on with your life.)
If someone says “I don’t want you to see me as an authority figure”, it probably means that they can’t be trusted to maintain good boundaries. (Unless they’re also saying something like “I’m not actually your boss, and you don’t have to do what I say”.) Sometimes they are intentionally trying to get away with breaking the rules. Sometimes it’s less intentional. Some people feel awkward about being powerful and don’t want to think about it. In either case, unacknowledged power is dangerous. In order to do right by people you have power over, you have to be willing to think about the power you’re have and how you’re using it.
Tl;dr If someone has power they don’t want to acknowledge, they probably can’t be trusted to use their power ethically.
If you’re familiar with my account, you’ll know I talk a lot about toxic relationships in literature, but what, on the flipside, constitutes a healthy relationship?
Trust- If A says they’re going to hang out with friends, B should not be ‘checking up on them’ or demanding texts while they’re away. Jealousy isn’t cute.
Honesty - But, of course, trust needs to be earned. This is with honesty. Lying to protect someone is still lying and that is not a good foundation for a loving relationship.
Independence - In a healthy relationship, both parties have the freedom to do things on their own. Co-dependent situations, even ones built on love, are not healthy.
Respect- “I won’t let you do that” –> “I respect you and trust your judgement.” Even if A doesn’t like B’s decision, they should have enough respect for one another to discuss the decision until both parties understand one another.
Communication- If you want to discuss decisions you’re going to need good communication. Arguments don’t need to be screamed in a “passionate rage” for things to be said with emotion and heart. Yes people get emotional, but that is not the time to discuss important things.
Equality - Power imbalances can lead to toxicity. If both parties have mutual respect and understanding for one another, this can be avoided, but the 200 year old immortal x the 18 year old girl is a little weird don’t you think? What’s next, 90 year old mortals and 15 year old boy?
Empathy - When arguing, both A and B should be able to empathise with the other. If that means A shelving their agenda so that you can hear B out and then deal with their side later, that’s a healthy approach.
Taking Accountability - Even people in healthy relationships do unhealthy things sometimes. What matters is they take responsibility for it and give meaningful apologies, not grad gifts when they already have a billion dollar trust find.
Comfort-Both A and B should feel comfortable around each other. When they’re reunited after a long day or time apart, they will feel at ease by being around one another, not on edge and fearing an argument.
Fun - Healthy relationships are fun! A&B will have so many in jokes that end in laughing fits. They have things that they love to do together, things that they both love to do. Not A forcing B to watch the notebook on repeat.
So there you have it, 10 things that make a relationship healthy.
Links to my posts on toxic relationships are below:
D-types who make you feel like you are a pain in the ass for asking for their time and attention.
Part of having a healthy D/s relationship is having very open and honest communication between yourself and your partner. If your partner discourages you from communicating your wants and needs, and makes you feel badly for wanting them attended to, they are discouraging open and honest communication from you, and making your relationship more dysfunctional. You are not a pain in the ass for wanting your dom(me)s time and attention. You placed them in charge so you could get it.
When dudes get drunk and give the “I love you guys” speech, that’s a green flag. You wanna date/be friends with those kinds of people who are nice drunks and not violent or anything else really.
I won’t be online for a lot of tomorrow, so I’m posting Storytime now.
This week’s episode: The Creepy Car (Or: why I didn’t ride my bike much as a young teen)
My neighborhood is probably one of the safest you’ll find around here. The neighbors look out for each other – to the point where some habitually leave their doors unlocked. Small packs of neighborhood children roam freely and without fear through everyone’s yards, and nobody minds. My house tends to be a central focal point for shenanigans.
The adults in this neighborhood all tend to keep an eye out for youngsters, whether they’re the parents or not. Same goes for the grownups too. Once, when I was probably 16, a policewoman chased several big guys into the neighborhood. She stopped them on our street and cuffed all three guys by herself while waiting for backup. She never knew, but she had the occupants of five different houses ready and waiting to run out there if things got violent.
So now that you have an idea of how safe our neighborhood is NOW, let me point out that there was a time when it wasn’t so safe. When I was about 15, and the neighborhood was still only about half full, there weren’t as many kids as there are now. There were two about our age who lived four streets away from us, and sometimes we babysat their younger siblings. My sister and I used to have to ride our bikes down there. There was a short route with few hills, but we couldn’t take it.
You see, a registered sex offender lived in one of the houses on that route, and none of the kids were allowed to walk or ride past his house.
So we had to take a longer route with two giant hills that were absolutely killer to skinny little teen and tween legs with no muscle like mine.
Well one Saturday morning the girl from the house four streets down (let’s call her Sam) and a girl two houses over (let’s call her Natasha) had come over to hang out. We were goofing around on walkie talkies, playing with nerf guns, typical kid stuff. Anyway it gets close to lunchtime and we decide to ride over to the one Sam’s house on the other side of the neighborhood.
So here’s two 15 year olds, a 14 year old, and a 13 year old all on our bikes and riding through the streets. Natasha had these little mirrors on her bike, if I remember correctly, and I think she’s the one who noticed the car first.
A big black car was driving very slowly just a few feet behind us. We couldn’t see through the windshield. Well we thought maybe he wanted to pass and couldn’t get around us, so the four of us rolled up onto the sidewalk and didn’t think more of it. But he maintained his slow speed and kept up right behind us.
We thought that was a little weird, but ignored him and turned onto another street. So did the big black car. Well maybe his destination was in the same direction as ours, we thought, and made that one awful turn that takes you up a giant hill.
The car turned too.
By that time all four of us were on edge, being alone with no adults in sight. One of us (it may have been my sister) tersely said, “Speed up.”
And hill or no hill we started pedaling like our feet were on fire. The black car got closer.
At the end of the street, Sam’s cul-de-sac was visible, with her garage door open. We pedaled like the devil was behind us, over the last stretch of road, up over the curb, onto the long driveway. All four of us dropped the bikes on the grass and pelted across the yard to the garage, not daring to look behind us. We charged into the garage, and someone yelled “GO!” while Sam fumbled with the doorknob into the house. After what felt like minutes, the door opened and we fell into the house. Sam slammed and locked the door and we all ran to lay flat on the floor in the front room, out of sight of the windows. We could just see the road outside, but we couldn’t be seen. As we peeked through the curtains, the big black car sat in the cul-de-sac.
It didn’t pull into another driveway. It didn’t pull into Sam’s driveway. It sat there for about twenty more seconds, then it turned around and drove away. We all giggled with relief, feeling very proud of ourselves, and soon forgot the incident as we made sandwiches and went to build a lego metropolis.
It wasn’t until this year that it actually occurred to me how dangerous that could have been. I don’t know what the driver of the big black car was doing, or what their intentions were. I don’t know what, if anything, would have happened if we’d stopped.
There’s a part of me that can’t shake the feeling that we had a close call that day.
Ok in hindsight, well over a decade later, I really should have told my parents about that. That was kind of alarming.
- An older adult solely hanging with younger teens (I’m talking 25yo & 15yo) and who doesn’t seem to have any other adult friend is a red flag.
- An older adult talking to a younger teen and saying stuff like “you’re the only one who understands me” “I’d hurt myself if you weren’t there” “You’re my only friend” is a red flag.
- Someone (regardless of age) who constantly ends up in discourse & drama is a red flag.
- If you’re afraid to talk to your friend(s), if you feel like you’ve got to tiptoe as to not set them off and get yelled at/ostracized/worse, that’s a red flag.
The condition of the Moon : pay close attention to the aspects it makes. A debilitated Moon might point to a man who has issues connecting to a softer energy or a man who was neglected by the mother and has repressed anger towards women. The same can be said about women and we might have women who hate women.
Examples to watch out for:
Saturn-Moon-Mars
Saturn-Moon-Chiron
Saturn-Moon-Pluto
I put emphasis on Chiron and Tsquares involving Chiron.
2-this one is very important : Your own natal chart!
If you have an unfinished Tsquare involving Chiron, Saturn, Pluto or you already have the Tsquare present in your natal chart:
Careful with attracting people who activate that Tsquare in synastry but most importantly do NOT replicate the pattern in a composite chart.
For example : Saturn in the 4th house -Chiron in 10th house -Sun in 7th house (natal chart tsquare Saturn-Sun-Chiron)
Partner activates Saturn or Chiron through personal planets and in the composite you have a repeated tsquare pattern or harsh : Chiron-Saturn-Pluto !!!
In a composite: Chiron, Saturn,Pluto,Mars in HARSH aspects meaning opposition and square point to clashes sadism and power dynamics.
Try attracting the positive energies from your natal charts, like an escape route from the pulling of Chiron/Saturn/Pluto.
I’m a pretty honest person. I mean I lie, who doesn’t but usually, it’s the tricky kind of lie, an omission or a little white lie to prevent feelings from being hurt. But I have never understood how someone can continue to lie once they’ve been caught. Not only are you disrespecting me by blatantly lying, but you’re insulting my intelligence! Source: Wikipedia I met a guy who was incredibly…
❤️ Why Pick a Card Readings aren’t always a good idea ❤️
DISCLAIMERS
First of all, I mean no hate to those who make pick a card readings or are otherwise running a spiritual buissness.
The industry and hobby are no less valid, they can be very helpful to people at the right time and take a lot of time, energy, paitence and knowledge.
I don’t claim to be right or an expert on anything - this is just my own perspective. I’m not a mental health expert or an expert on spiritual matters.
❤️ WHY ❤️
❤️ It’s likely best to be in a balanced mental and emotional state for these readings. The rule of taking what resonates and leaving the rest is very important. Readers tend to be really good at reminding us of this.
❤️ However, as humans, our emotional literacy and awareness can be built across our lifes. We may not always be fully aware that we aren’t actually in the space for a reading.
❤️ This can in turn create fear, anxiety, paranoia and other negitive feelings if not so positive things come up. What you feel about what you’re told can also impact you differently in the long run than at the time you do it. The reading could impact your mental wellbeing, confidence and behavior. Again, this could become clear in retrospect or right away.
❤️ If you tend to fixate on things, people or aspects of your life (work, hobbies, relationships) readings could potentially feed your fixation. There are hundreds of videos online, free and avalible at anytime. It can overwhelm the mind.
❤️Signs and synchronicitys can be exciting to see and can bring us hope and reassurance but we may start to look for meaning in everything all the time, reading into everything.
❤️ There is a potential of readings making you feel more out of touch with your inner voice and opinions. Being decisive and thinking for ourselves is important to help us build confidence. Readings allow us to seek reassurance often. Instead of thinking about how we feel, what we think we should do, we look outward to something more general, outside ourselves, esoteric and even cryptic at times and not totally personalised to us.
❤️ We kind of give our consent in a way, we give someone permission to read for us and give suggestions. We don’t have control over what’s said or what comes up so we may not be fully prepared or actually want to hear. This is not to blame the reader as they are just doing their job but there is an element of unpredictability with cards. Tik tok feels the most nonconsensual to me because random readings just start to play. As humans we automatically assign meaning to things we see but that can be dangerous depdning what it is. The upside is that if we learn we don’t want random readings we can reteach the algorithm to not show us as much of that.
POSITIVES
Because its not really fair just to be wholly negitive I do need to state some positive things about pick a cards.
They may give us a sense of community, we may feel less alone and can bond socially.
They can be fun and uplifting!
Could help you explore and connect to your intuition, if you truly are in the best mind frame and able to discern well what is relevant to you and what is not.
Could offer new suggestions and possibilities for you, opening your mind. Both spiritually and what you do in your earthly day to day life.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
So if you aren’t too fond of pick a cards here are some alternative suggestions.
Do your own cards, or do it with a freind or live with a trusted professional so you can have a dialogue about it. It is more personal too you which may be better. Bear in mind that this option is the most similar to pick a cards. Do not to place too much weight in it but use it as a reflective tool to positively help yourself or your freinds.
Meditate.
Do grounding activities.
Journal. Freestyle, ask yourself what you would ask the cards, ask why you have these questions, list positive things.
Other non-divination based positive witchy stuff.
Do something else. A hobby or intrest, art, music, a sport, exercise, reading or TV or games. Ether something fun, chill, energetic or mentally challanging depending on your needs.
Talk to a trusted person or to yourself, not using divination.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Promise me to be kind and take care of yourself! Be mindful about what’s best for you.
If something is not good for you, take a step back and make changes. This may mean doing less pick a cards, being selective and only listening to readers that are best for you or completely phasing this style of content out of your life long term or on a certain platform.
I’d also say if you don’t want to know about love, freindship or work, something spesific, avoid those readings. At the same time be aware that they may come up in a reading about something different anyway so it may be better to just not do a pick a card at all.
All of these options are fine! Do what you need to do!
Remember, tarot can be really fun and while it can be constructive, it is not supposed to make you feel bad in the past, present or future.
I keep seeing people talk about the “oncoming cult boom” like we haven’t been here for like three years.
Here’s a fun game:
Go onto incognito mode and start a fresh account ok the social media website of your choice. When it asks you about your interests, pick “health and wellness” and/or the religion of your choice and fill the rest in with whatever you like. See how long it takes the algorithm to give you straight up cult recruitment videos.
When I tried this on TikTok I got some in under 30 seconds.
this is important information but i also feel like a lot of people aren’t really able to identify cult-produced media on their own. here is a (non comprehensive) list of red flags for this:
presenting an image of a wholesome, good, unified in-group while simultaneously presenting the out-group as shameful, dirty, or evil
presenting the narrative “i would be dead if i didn’t join X”
bragging about adhering to high-control rules, such as restriction of sleeping, eating, or ability to leave
heavy emphasis placed on “retreats,” aka trauma bonding or brainwashing members en masse in a secluded area
spiritual leader (typically a living person, or often in the case of older cults, a board of directors) presented as an infalliable extension of god
“comfort zones” and similar concepts presented as an inherently bad thing that you need to overcome
constant recruitment efforts
public faces of the organization are typically extremely extroverted and physically abled, and there’s a spoken or unspoken shame placed on the group members who don’t resemble this
there is an ex-member community that insists the group should be acknowledged as a cult (search for “ex-[group name]” or “[group name] abuse” to find relevant online pages)
some more:
positioning themselves as having Life’s Secret™ that if you follow, success will come
insisting only positive feelings are allowed (this is different from developing optimistic coping strategies; optimistic coping strategies say “this is a bad day, today is not fun, I’ve given up on making today good, but I will try again tomorrow and repeat this process as necessary until things get better”. toxic positivity says “today is not a bad day, it’s only bad because I think it’s bad, so if I don’t think it’s bad then it’s not bad and I can be happy about it!”)
insisting only negative feelings are allowed
insisting on passing some sort of qualification before you can be part of the in-group: must have certain beliefs, be willing to do certain things, etc
Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked. Anybody can be a groomer, no matter their age, gender or race. Grooming can take place over a short or long period of time – from weeks to years. Groomers may also build a relationship with the young person’s family or friends to make them seem trustworthy or authoritative.
It can be difficult to tell if a child is being groomed – the signs aren’t always obvious and may be hidden. Older children might behave in a way that seems to be “normal” teenage behaviour, masking underlying problems.
Some of the signs you might see include:
• being very secretive about how they’re spending their time, including when online
• having an older boyfriend or girlfriend
• having money or new things like clothes and mobile phones that they can’t or won’t explain
• underage drinking or drug taking
• spending more or less time online or on their devices
• being upset, withdrawn or distressed
• sexualised behaviour, language or an understanding of sex that’s not appropriate for their age
• spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time.
• A child is unlikely to know they’ve been groomed. They might be worried or confused and less likely to speak to an adult they trust.
Effects of grooming:
Grooming can have both short and long-term effects. The impact of grooming can last a lifetime, no matter whether it happened in person, online or both. A child or young person might have difficulty sleeping, be anxious or struggle to concentrate or cope with school work. They may become withdrawn, uncommunicative and angry or upset.
Who’s at risk?
Any child is at risk of being groomed. And it’s important to remember that both boys and girls can be groomed. Children who are groomed online could be abused by someone they know. They could also be abused by someone who commits a one-off act or a stranger who builds a relationship with them. Some children are more at risk of grooming, particularly those who are vulnerable. Children in care, with disabilities or who are neglected can be targeted by groomers. Groomers will exploit any vulnerability to increase the likelihood a child or young person will become dependent on them and less likely to speak out.
You can also contact your local child protection services or the police to report your concerns about any type of grooming - whether it’s happening online, in person or both.
Ever just, start reading, falling in love with a character. Then a red flag goes up, then, then like, a lot of red flags go up. Then ya got a good healthy herd of red flags around you.
And he’s endgame, and it’s book 1 of 5, and it’s only chapter 20.
