chuuya:we need to perform a tactical retreat

tachihara:what’s that?

chuuya: it’s like running away, but manlier

poe:honestly, i’m just so evil. so full of darkness. i feed off the souls of the living. i strike fear into—

ranpo:you have a pet raccoon named karl

poe:HE’S MY SECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS

fukazawa:i have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn’t factor into the solution at least in some way

chuuya: met a dumbass today. awful.

yosano:you looked in a mirror?

chuuya:someday you will have to answer for your actions and God may not be so merciful

lucy: twain just learned that humans can fit a lightbulb into their mouth with ease but cannot get it out without shattering it

lucy: I had to physically restrain a grown man from putting a lightbulb in his mouth

kenji knows all sorts of disturbing animal facts and he will bring them up at the most random moments. the agency could be having a game night (minor detail: the moment uno cards are brought out, everyone’s out for blood!) and he’d be like: “hey did you guys know if ducks are bored enough, they will literally eat each other?” :D

chuuya to kenji: you are too good and pure for this world, but that’s okay. i’ll be the asshole for the both of us

15!chuuya:i hate the rain

kouyou: i know, but it doesn’t always stay the same weather. It’ll be hot again tomorrow!

15!chuuya:…hmph.

kouyou: listen unless you want to live in an active volcano there’s not much I can do for you

chuuya: you never say anything romantic to me

dazai:i literally JUST called you the rootinest tootinest cowboy the world has ever seen

Yosano: Why are you sad?

Kenji: How did you know I’m sad

Yosano: Well… You’re dressed in sad colors. Your reading a sad book and you’re wearing a badge that says ‘i’m sad ask my why’.

Kenji:Oh..

Dazai: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, ‘Are we about to kiss?’

Dazai: Doesn’t work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

*after Dazai’s yet another suicide attempt*

*in the hospital*

Atsushi: What happened to him? Is everything alright?

Doctor: Don’t worry we’re waiting for his x-ray to come in.

Dazai: but I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.

Doctor:

Doctor: we might need a brain scan as well.

*Nikolai sits on Fyodor’s bed*

Fyodor: How did you even get in here?

Nikolai: Your window! Or, as I like to call it, “Nikolai’s door”!

Fyodor: I’m closing the window.

Atsushi: I drink to forget but I always remember.

Kyouka: You’re drinking orange juice.

Kyuusaku: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn’t matter. I’m going to burn your house down.

Dazai: Met a dumbass today. Awful.

Fyodor: You looked in a mirror?

Dazai: someday you will have to answer for your actions and god may not be so merciful.

Spoilers

Dazai:*sending random messages to Ango*

Ango: Ah, im too tired to deal with this.

Atsushi: My stomach growled super loud in French.

Atsushi: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.

Chuuya:Bonjour.

Akutagawa: Le growl.

Dazai: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

Tecchou: If you water water, it grows.

Tachihara:…What.

Jouno: No wait, he’s got a point.

[Dazai and Y/N are doing something absurdly dangerous]

Dazai:I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time!

Y/N, deadpan: Well that’s encouraging.