CW: dead pet/cat death/pet euthanasia

Y’all I am not having a good night. I lost my 15 year old cat from childhood two days ago and everytime I close my eyes to try and go to sleep I just keep seeing the whole process of him being put down over and over in my mind. It’s like my mind is on a constant loop of seeing the life go out in his eyes and then seeing his limp body just laying there. I’m so glad I was able to be there for him in his last moments but this fucking sucks and I miss him so much.

this-world-of-beautiful-monsters:

Leo has some doubts during a brutal torture session.

Title taken from the song Sick Thoughts by Lewis Blissett.

Prompt 1: Snitches Get Stitches for @amonthofwhump‘s March Madness challenge.

(tw torture, violence, blood, gore, emotional manipulation, flashbacks, sort-of past character death, implied mind control, blink-and-you’ll miss it CSA references)

You find the full series on AO3.

Keep reading

No. 24 - ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO

@whumptober2021

@whumptober-archive

self-induced injuries to escape | flashback | revenge

Finn was late for uni. He’d slept in and was rushing around his room, trying to find his notes and laptop. He made it to the front door before he remembered his headphones.

With a groan, he headed back upstairs. They were by his bed and he grabbed them with a grunt. He called a goodbye to everyone - still in bed, the lucky sods - and hurried downstairs.

He was almost at the bottom when Apollo shot past him, causing him to startle and trip. He caught himself before he fell, but it didn’t stop the panic.

He made it to the bottom without further incidence and took a moment to catch his breath. His heart was racing and his mind elsewhere. His alarm rang from his pocket, pulling his attention and distracting him for a moment. He needed to catch the bus. With a few minutes to spare, he grabbed his bag and rushed out the door.

By the time he got sat on the bus, his heart was racing even faster. His chest heaved and he struggled to slow it down. He could feel his myos starting to flare, electric shocks shooting up his spine.

As always, they drew stares and dirty looks, but there was nothing he could do about it. He shoved his earphones in, trying desperately to distract himself. His hands shook as he typed, but Jess was asleep and didn’t reply. He tried Fao.

Fao are you up?

Of course Fao was up, he always was. Seeing Finn’s message worried him, and he immediately called his brother back.

Finn answered. “Can you just talk to me?”

“Is everything alright?” Fao asked, rolling over in bed.

“Fine. Just talk to me.”

He hummed. “Can’t promise I’ll be interesting, but sure. I had a really weird surgical list yesterday, I swear my boss is waiting for me to trip up and make a mistake. I know why they’ve got me doing routine electives, they want to know I’m not some crazy army cowboy who’s just got consultancy that’s going to go around killing trauma patients, but it’s so counterproductive. How many routine elective cholecystectomies did I do in Afghanistan? A big fat zero. Sure, I know what I’m doing, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, my boss was scrubbed in with me all day and it’s so fuckingintimidating having the clinical lead peering over your shoulder the whole time when you’re trying to remember what you’re doing. It’s infuriating. So they’re giving me the most routine, boring, run of the mill cases, and it’s driving me insane. I’m glad to be working and all, don’t get me wrong, but I’d kill for something juicy, to show them what I’m really made of. Ollie had loads of interesting trauma yesterday and what do I get? Gallbladders. So many gallbladders.”

Fao’s rambling helped a little, pulled his attention from the racing of his heart. He was glad Fao was working again, it gave him a purpose and something to work towards. He cleared his throat.

“That’s rude.”

“Eh, I’ll get over it. There’ll be trauma eventually, there always is. And Ollie will go back to broken hips and he’ll tease me about it. You on your way to uni? Maybe you can find my boss and tell him that gallbladders are boring and your big brother wants some real work.”

“Yeah maybe.”

“Arrow misses you. You should come over after uni, come see him and give him some love. He’s gotten so big since you last saw him, you wouldn’t believe it. He’s such a menace, too. Chewed my socks to shreds.”

Finn took a beat to reply. “Ollie?”

“No, no. Arrow. Thankfully Ollie doesn’t chew my socks too, otherwise I’d be looking for a new housemate. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“No. I can’t breathe.”

“Alright. You’re okay, yeah? You’ve got me, I’m right here.” Fao said gently.

“Except you’re not.”

“I’m on the end of the phone. Where are you? I can come and get you.”

“I’m on my way to uni.”

“I can meet you there?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’ll stay on the phone with you. Have you got any friends with you?”

“Think they got the earlier bus.”

“Alright. I’m just getting dressed.” He said gently, getting up.

“Driving?”

“I’m gonna have to, but it won’t take long.”

“It’ll take forever.”

“It won’t, I promise.”

Finn stayed quiet, trying to breathe through the feeling he was going to pass out. He rested his head against the window, groaning quietly.

Fao struggled to throw some clothes on, talking nonsense to Finn as he did. He was quickly in his car, driving out to the uni to get Finn.

Luckily for Finn, the bus driver knew him, and his seizures. When the young man didn’t get off he waited a moment and called down to him. Embarrassed but extremely grateful, Finn stumbled off the bus and headed inside to wait for Fao.

Fao arrived at the uni not long after the bus, rushing to find his brother, worry curling in his stomach. He didn’t want a public seizure if he could help it, it always made things awkward for Finn.

Finn glanced up as Fao finally arrived, almost crying in relief.

Fao reached out to pull his brother in for a hug. “I’ve got you. Come on, let’s get you home.”

He let Fao hug him, but didn’t stand. He didn’t trust his legs to hold his weight.

“I slipped on the stairs. Pollo ran past me.”

“Startled you, eh?”

He took a shaky breath as he shook his head. “I’m missing near a month around then, but I still remember falling.”

“Oh, Finn.” Fao breathed. “It’s alright.”

“It’s not.” He bit back a sob, picking at his sleeves. “None of this is.”

Fao sat down next to him. “I know it’s tough. When you have those… fragments of memory, it sucks. Something will just drag you back there and it really throws you off.”

“You don’t get it. There’s just nothing and then…” He visibly curled in on himself. “You don’t get it.”

“No, I know.” He said softly.

“I close my eyes and I’m back there. I’m not meant to remember any of it. But I do.” He shook his head. “It’s that bit, over and over and over again. It never goes away.”

“The feeling of falling?”

“It’s the same as before a seizure starts.”

Fao rubbed his brother’s arm. “I can’t ever really understand. I’m sorry.”

“It felt like the world was ending. Everything was on fire and I couldn’t even breathe.” He swallowed thickly.

Fao took a deep breath. “Oh, Finn.”

“Sometimes I wake up and I can’t move, and it’s that all over again.”

“I…”

“Sometimes you’re there, sometimes I’m alone. But it always plays out the same.”

“It’s hard.”

“It’s the same thing.”

“Yeah, and this morning has brought it all back, I bet.”

“It was my nightmare.”

“Yeah. Shall we get you home?”

“Yours.”

“Yeah, mine.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

love to everyone who is struggling with the idea of the new year right now. you have survived another year despite it all and that is all that matters

you have the right to recover and enjoy life

if your grades slip, you struggle with school or take a break/drop out entirely because of trauma: that’s okay. your wellbeing comes first. academics don’t define your intelligence or worth as a person

it’s okay if you didn’t do anything except stay alive today.

“Wann hört das alles auf?”

-oktober-maedchen1

“Wann gehen diese Bilder nur wieder aus meinem Kopf?”

oktober-maedchen1

“Irgendwann hört man auf darüber zusprechen”

oktober-maedchen1

Am Ende des Jahres wird ich noch mal extra schlimmer.

-oktober-maedchen1