#journal enteries

Most days, I don’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I feel inadequate. Like, no matter what I do or say…it just won’t make sense. People won’t get it. They don’t get me. They never understand. Most of the time, I feel invisible. Not noticed or seen. I fade into the background and dwell amongst the shadows of everyone else surrounding me. My voice is soft and timid. I have no tone. My words are the sweetest whispers only a few who are close to me can hear them. I scream in painful agony, silently. Trying not to burden anyone with my baggage or being. But, sometimes…I need help. I shrink and feel small amongst crowds, so…I try not to take up too much room when I fit into where I belong. Even when cozy and nestled close in my position and role. I still feel alone. I still feel as if I don’t belong. As if, I am unworthy to be in this place. As if, I am undeserving to be where I am. As if, I should be ashamed of being who I am. But, sometimes…I need space. It’s exhausting and I am so tired. I need someone to talk too. I’m tired of changing. Tired of adapting. Tired of pretending. Tired of denying these feelings as if they don’t come from something deeper. I need someone to save me. This is broken. This is dysfunction. This is anger. This is sorrow. This is despair, grief, depression, rage, and confusion. This is a slow painful death to a person I love but, lost so long ago. I need for you to care. This is me. Breaking down to ashes. But, I won’t stay down here too long. I promise. I need to rise up and start over. This is my recovery to freedom…

Some important, healing lessons I’ve learned over the last 2 years:

• trust your intuition. it’s usually right.

• don’t chase emotionally unavailable people, they will never want you back.

• you can only numb your feelings for so long.

• feel your feelings, they’re meant to be felt.

• hobbies are important, and so are you. do what you love.

• when in relationship, you are allowed to be alone.

• you are allowed to ask for space.

• open and honest communication is so so important.

• do not put others needs before your own.

• if you don’t want to go out, don’t go out.

• you can say no without giving a reason why.

• connection is important. don’t take it for granted.

reading back on my old journal entries and I’m just grateful to still be alive and to have come so far. Grateful for all of the hard lessons.