#poetrycorner

I love you more than anything

I hate just as much

I wish you would feel

anything at all for me

How can I live without you?

How could I live with you?

My heart is broken

- MayAPoetBe (draft)

mayapoetbe:

you don’t see me

you don’t know me

you just dream about me

- mayapoetbe

I don’t know what it is

that makes me love you

I just know I can’t stop

mayapoetbe:

I won’t be there with you

I can’t be there with you

but promise me

you’ll do your best

you’ll follow your dream

you’ll keep me in your heart

you’re gonna rock

the rest of your life

go out there

with an open heart

don’t forget me

but don’t hold on

to hard

live your life

for me

do all the things

we couldn’t do any more

find someone to do them with you

I’ll be watching

-mayapoetbe

music we small ones do not hear only the echoes, the thin wailing  our ears too delicate  sometimes we swim in infinite waters,  reach out and hope for life above us

we, so small, the deep the blue the humpback  so large, a shadow our smallness

crushed under the fathoms-weight smaller and smaller we miss the music we never hear, never hold not alive anymore 

we would die  before we hear

Day 582

On this Friday evening on a cloudy April day I am thinking of a girl we lost.  This is no anniversary, I did not see her face (Excepting in my memory) I lit a candle and was reminded of her funeral The vanilla, and the song that played. The funeral director who stumbled on her name. What she left behind, her grace.

This can’t be it. This isn’t my dream. This won’t be my forever. I refuse to sit and dwell here. I refuse to give up. I refuse to settle. I’ve come to far to get to this place, although I’m passing through. I gave up so much of myself, although, I needed me too. But, this isn’t it. This can’t be it. This isn’t what I expected. This isn’t what I want or need. This isn’t it. I swear, it isn’t.

Sleep child, close your eyes & dream. Today is over but, tomorrow will soon arrive again. No need to wait up, waiting for darkness to fade. Morning will come. You will change, becoming different from day to day, although all else in the world will feel the same…

This is me. Love me or Leave me. This is who I am. This is all I have to offer at the moment. It’s not much but, it’s something. And, to be present in this place, conscious of this moment, full with these emotions, doing what I do while learning, believing in something greater with the best intentions, focused on my health, wealth, growth, and well being - amongst the ones who love and support me the most…this is all I need…this is all I have…this is where I belong…I’m good. I’m content. That’s all that matters.

What happened to you? You used to care about things of importance. What changed? What caused you to abandon your purpose & ignore your call - for something temporal? Where did it all go wrong? I know, it’s hard to ignore. Complex to explain & endure but, how’d you lose yourself?

Most days, I don’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I feel inadequate. Like, no matter what I do or say…it just won’t make sense. People won’t get it. They don’t get me. They never understand. Most of the time, I feel invisible. Not noticed or seen. I fade into the background and dwell amongst the shadows of everyone else surrounding me. My voice is soft and timid. I have no tone. My words are the sweetest whispers only a few who are close to me can hear them. I scream in painful agony, silently. Trying not to burden anyone with my baggage or being. But, sometimes…I need help. I shrink and feel small amongst crowds, so…I try not to take up too much room when I fit into where I belong. Even when cozy and nestled close in my position and role. I still feel alone. I still feel as if I don’t belong. As if, I am unworthy to be in this place. As if, I am undeserving to be where I am. As if, I should be ashamed of being who I am. But, sometimes…I need space. It’s exhausting and I am so tired. I need someone to talk too. I’m tired of changing. Tired of adapting. Tired of pretending. Tired of denying these feelings as if they don’t come from something deeper. I need someone to save me. This is broken. This is dysfunction. This is anger. This is sorrow. This is despair, grief, depression, rage, and confusion. This is a slow painful death to a person I love but, lost so long ago. I need for you to care. This is me. Breaking down to ashes. But, I won’t stay down here too long. I promise. I need to rise up and start over. This is my recovery to freedom…

In the midst of trying to love myself, am I trying to love someone else? I tried this before and it didn’t work out. Should I do it, again? I’ve picked up majority of my shattered pieces. With a little bit of super glue, I’ve managed to put this heart of mine back together. It’s not perfect nor does it look like the norm but, it works and functions as purposed. No strings attached, it hasn’t been sown to my sleeve or unraveled by anybody. However, it’s chambers are still full and being cleaned every moment. I know it’s alot to consider and even more complicated to ponder but, I have to find an answer before I die of fear or embarrassment. Will hurt win and triumph over me with it’s scornful gloats? Or, is it possibly for me to sanely indulge in the life of others in pure joyful bliss while accepting new love through a dream of life’s best? This is the question left existing in me…

“En cuanto empezamos a sentir la vida, descubriremos que hay muchos tipos de amor en el mundo, pero nunca el mismo amor… lo encontraremos dos veces”.

— Juan Francisco Palencia.    

La probabilidad cuántica del amor.

Tome estos muchos aspectos del deseo teñido.

Pintado fuerte en rayos de colores brillantes. Sobre el misterioso fuego nocturno negro como la tinta.

Entonces derrite todas las pasiones en los largos días del amor.

Volar juntos a través de un sueño creado con arte.

Dejando una vida lejana que recordamos débilmente.

Toma embadurna tonos pastel en un esquema apagado.

Esperando el trueno del amor titánico para llamar. Cómo su amourette instantánea fusiona cada elemento.

En un sol ardiente y ardiente de brillante resplandor.

Iluminando estrellas sensuales con intención apasionada.

Ven a explorar el firmamento en dulce elegancia.

—   Cysgod. poem from the book. “The Shadow of Love.”