#kidgillis

There were no flowers left. No card to display. There was no breakfast in bed. No celebration. There were no words said. Instead, the children went on with their day - laughed & played amongst those who raised them. But, the one they wanted most never made it home to greet them..

I know you’re going to miss me when I’m gone. Just cherish what we are in this moment. I’ll be back soon, don’t worry about where I am going. Just know that I’m with you, regardless. I know it’s hard to imagine life seperated but, there’s no escaping the connection we’ve formed. I’m attached and affected by this frequency flowing. Yet, there’s still a couple things I have to get done before we form a new alliance together. Can’t say much, just know this heart is yours. Even while apart and screaming the sky is falling. Nah baby, this isn’t the end of the world, it’s a new beginning starting. And, I can’t wait to see you on the other side smiling when you see the things I have in order. So, goodbye for now. Remember, I love you. ✌️

Darling, you gotta believe in yourself. Choose yourself. Show up, be aware, and present for yourself. Put in the time and dedication needed while doing the work. Take care of yourself. Heal. Make a mends. Forgive and forget. Make sure you’re okay mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically while always doing your best. You deserve to live life and thrive. You are loved. You are cherished. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are everything you’re supposed to be. You don’t have to hide it. And, yes…you have flaws. A few of them. But, those things often change overtime. You have all that you need to have all that you want. You don’t have to ask for anything. You don’t have to beg for nothing. You don’t have to hide or minimize who you are. You are exactly who you’re supposed to be. Live your life. Gather your tribe. Manifest your dreams. Build your kingdom. Do what you like and love. Try what you hate and learn what you don’t know. Experience and explore this world and all that it has to offer you. There are blessings hidden within everyday with your name on it. Each day is a gift, every moment is a present. Be willing and open to criticism and learning. Be honest and truthful about yourself and others. Love yourself. Hug yourself. Date yourself. Let go and live. Don’t be afraid of the unknown or confused about what is know. Don’t fear anything at all. Go with the flow of what you’ve been called, positioned, and purposed to do. Embrace yourself. But, most of all…get rooted. Build yourself a solid foundation, safe haven, and home. For yourself and others by knowing who you are, what you stand for, & why. Never straying away from your truth. All of this your responsibility. This is how you discover your true identity. Take accountability over it. There is great power inside you. You deserve to be celebrated and known. Your DNA is one of a kind. You matter just as much as everyone else. There is no one else just like you. So, come on…tell and show the world who you are. Don’t hold yourself back or limit yourself. We’re all dying to know the real you. This is your time. Introduce yourself. “Hi, my name is…”

This can’t be it. This isn’t my dream. This won’t be my forever. I refuse to sit and dwell here. I refuse to give up. I refuse to settle. I’ve come to far to get to this place, although I’m passing through. I gave up so much of myself, although, I needed me too. But, this isn’t it. This can’t be it. This isn’t what I expected. This isn’t what I want or need. This isn’t it. I swear, it isn’t.

We’ve been desensitized to strip the human of their humane emotions & thought process; in exchange for instilling society with artificial intelligence & an algorithmic emotional state that’s incapable to empathize or sympathize with humanity. That’s not progress, it’s a setback..

To those in need of some encouragement & inspiration while stuck in a dark & twisted space, those questioning & seeking answers, those alone & lonley suffering in silence, those without a voice or depressed, or those contemplating a world changing decision…I know the pain, emotions, and experiences are real. I know the pressures, situations, circumstances, challenges, and hardships are taking a toll on you. I know the constant battle of debating & defending yourself is difficult. It is, there’s no denying it.

However, may I say…You’re here for a reason, with a purpose, & given a choice to live the best life you can in & through these horrid trials & perils. Please, don’t give up. Please, hold on. The world is brutal & the experience is mind blowing. I won’t argue with you about that but it’s still good. With all of the bad things that occur. The same amount of good is still evident and occuring around, to, through, and for you. We’re all better and worse off than each other at any given moment. It’s no fair no equal. No, but, it’s life. And, it’s still worth living, regardless. Please reach out to someone. Communicate & seek the proper help for your current situation. I know humans are messy & crazy but, there are still people in this world that will be willing & able to help, assist, provide, protect, maintain, & manage your crisis. We want to help! You aren’t in this alone. Be your own hero, save yourself by letting someone know you need help. You need you. Just like your family, friends, and those you encounter in this world - we all need you. We all want you. And, although it may not seem that way at times…it’s true.

Each and every day, we’re choosing to do more for ourselves and each other. So, we’re here and every day we’re going to choose to show up, be present, be aware, & stay conscious of this gift of life until we can’t anymore. We will support & protect you the best of our ability. We will love each and every part of you and encourage you to do the same. Not because we’re obligated or have too. No, because we want too and know that regardless of how any of us feel, we are all the same and in need of the same things. We’re all connected. And, without you - we’re all missing something that we could’ve, should’ve, would’ve had and experienced but, never got a chance too.

Please, reconsider your decision. Evaluate your feelings. Know your experience is vaild. However, so it your purpose. Please, choose to be alive. Not just alive but, to truly live & not just survive. Live your life abundantly. Seek the help & support you need. Find a community that will uplift, push forward, hold down & keep you accountable. Be responsible & kind to yourself & others. Because, things are going to get hard & be difficult. There will be major struggle & resistance to the process of recovery & healing. Some days will be better than others. Sometimes, things will drag & suck but, things will get better. I believe in, am praying & rooting for you. Don’t give up. You got this!

Forgive me. I say that in advance because I know once you’ve encountered me and my essence…you won’t be able to fathom how I caused your mind to think, your heart to beat, your soul to feel depth, your inner child to create and dream, or your spirit to be vulnerable and speak..

Not everyone will be able to understand your stance or the state you’re currently in to have that view and that’s okay! Move your own way, at your own speed, at your own time - one day at a time. Don’t worry about others. You are your own person, on your own journey - embrace yourself!

I love you. I’m not ready to lose you. Goodbye isn’t a statement that I’ll allow to escape my lips. It shouldn’t be thought or said. It’s not time yet. Life is short and eternity is too long. I don’t want to let go of what we have. I can’t let go of you - not a single part. You are my everything. My lifeline. My heartbeat. Without you, I am lost. I don’t want to wonder what happened or how things went wrong. I don’t want to question if I failed you or could’ve done more. I don’t want to blame anyone or anything. I don’t want to sabotage, isolate, hide, or run away. I’m here. I show up and am present, every day. I assess our problems and become an asset to our situations. I clean up our messes and I mend all that is broken. I give without question and I listen without judgement. I love unconditionally and I try my best to be all that you need. But, sometimes, I wonder if this isn’t supposed to be and if I’m standing in our way - doing everything. These are questions left existing.

Sleep child, close your eyes & dream. Today is over but, tomorrow will soon arrive again. No need to wait up, waiting for darkness to fade. Morning will come. You will change, becoming different from day to day, although all else in the world will feel the same…

Darling, I know how to be like everyone else, except for myself. I’m still trying to figure ‘em out. It’s a battle between feeling like a poser and loving my authentic self. Like, Am I who I say I am? Am I who they said I am? Am I who God says I am? Seriously…who am I exactly?

I took a trip down memory lane and stopped by a former love’s spot in my heart. I reminisced about the days of old while droping off a box of sorted emotions. And as I left, I closed the door without slamming it. Instead, I smiled while shaking off the dust of the past, healing.

Darling, with you, I am. Without you, I am. Henceforth, I am and will always be.

Words have power.

I come from a background where so many people have wandered in and out of my life, speaking to, at, over, and into me and my journey. Some negative and some positive. Some curses and some blessings. Some false and some true. I really struggled with comprehension and gaining a proper understanding of their impact. It wasn’t until I listened to the small whisper and discovered my own narrative, that I was able to “chew the meat and spit out the bones” of what occurred in the past and come out of it a better person.

So, cheers to the struggle, the discoveries, and the journeys this life has brought me. I am proud of myself because I did everything everyone said I never could. I became everything I’m not to truly become everything I am and will become…Now, I can add self taught “Writer, Poet, & Author” to my resume. Except, this isn’t just what I do but, a part of who I am. This dream is now a reality. I have seen something spiritual become physical and manifest it’s blessings to those around me.

My first poetry collection - ETHEREAL LOVE by Kid Gills - coming really soon.

This is me. Love me or Leave me. This is who I am. This is all I have to offer at the moment. It’s not much but, it’s something. And, to be present in this place, conscious of this moment, full with these emotions, doing what I do while learning, believing in something greater with the best intentions, focused on my health, wealth, growth, and well being - amongst the ones who love and support me the most…this is all I need…this is all I have…this is where I belong…I’m good. I’m content. That’s all that matters.

My spirit believed and understood, before my soul felt an emotion or processed things, and my body decided to react or respond.

I don’t know what I need right now. All I know is that I’m trying my best to be present, to act and do as I am supposed, to show up, to make a different, and to make an impact. But, I often wonder if I’m doing all of this for the right reason. Am I truly on the right path? I know the difference between good and evil, right and wrong, pressure and force. But, does this feel right to me? Am I happy where I am? Sometimes, I have trouble tapping into my own core or take heed from my source due to my focus on everything else. I don’t know what I need right now. But, I know I want to breathe a bit more. I want to go back to my roots. Get grounded in my culture. Get acquainted with this person that I am and also am becoming. Who are you? What are you about? What do you believe - about the world? about your surroundings? about yourself? I want to know all about you. How do you feel? Where have you been or where would you like to go? What are you doing or would like to do? What is your purpose, goals, and mission? I don’t know what I need. But, I know it’s not pain. It’s not sorrow. It’s not horror. It’s not degrading or disrespectful. It’s not disturbing or offensive. It isn’t greed or manipulation. I can seek it out and find it. I can live and arrive to it. It’s not necessarily today or even tomorrow. It just is, what it is. I don’t know what I need. But, what I truly need…I deserve and want it.

There was a plan. There had always been a plan. For as long as I could remember, I had everything all figured out - until it wasn’t. Every details was perfect. Every area was noted. Nothing could go wrong as long as I stuck to the plan. I was going to be okay. Everything was going to work out fine - until it didn’t, of course. I don’t even know what happened. I can’t pin point a specific moment where things just fell apart. I just know one moment, I was in the prime of my life, living it up. And, the next moment, everything around me was dark and crumbling to pathetic ashes. What happened to the plan? What happened to following every single detail on the list? What happened to seeing it all through until the end? I had a plan. I was supposed to stick to the plan. I was okay. Everything was going to be fine - until it wasn’t. I had everything under control. I had finally gained my freedom. I was comfortable in who I was becoming. I was confident in my ability to maintain. The world was in the palm of my hand. I had a plan. I had a solid plan for my life…or so I thought. I guess life had other plans for me because this plan that I created…yeah, it’s not going to work out. It’s ruined. And, to my own surprise…I’m not sad about. I’m relieved. Maybe, the plan was supposed to get ruined in order for me to plan my next adventure, afterwards. Because, there was a plan. There has always been a plan.

I know a lot of this doesn’t make sense. Your mind can’t even fathom nor begin to comprehend. Yet, I pray the conditions of this world and it’s ways, won’t harden your heart nor steal the humanness, love, & warmth that keeps you alive & well. We need more humans & less robots…

We’re a balance of both - good & evil. Please don’t judge me solely upon my bad days. Rather than the mistakes I made, the incidents & accidents I had; Can we let go of what went wrong & embrace the good times. The moments of joy, peace, & love shared. The things I’ve done right.

I won’t be afraid to begin again. The unknown & uncertainty of life may hit me, stop me, & make me question things; but, I won’t miss my opportunity to reestablish my self, trust my new beginning, & rebuild my foundation. I’ll take a chance on myself, just as I did everyone else.

What happened to you? You used to care about things of importance. What changed? What caused you to abandon your purpose & ignore your call - for something temporal? Where did it all go wrong? I know, it’s hard to ignore. Complex to explain & endure but, how’d you lose yourself?

kidgillis:

Do not be ashamed of You. Speak eloquently, Allowing knowledge’s seeds to grow forth from your roots. Let your branches be filled with fruit of divinity, dignity, and integrity. Grounded in soil of confidence raise your head in strength, basking in the light of your glory, legend.

Kid Gillis

kidgillis:

There’s more to life than the simple perspective that I can comprehend. Life is so much more complex then that.

Kid Gillis

kidgillis:

I seen his stars within my darkness. Tiny glimmers of hope, aligning, to bring forth future happenings. I looked towards their direction, praying. If dawn comes with it’s sky ablazed, would I still have the faith you showed me? My God, I hope it lives on, eternally, through me…

Kid Gillis

Darling, you can live without a lot of the things you believe you can’t. Once you let the sentiment go and take a look at things…you’ll understand. It’s the emotions that keep you bound, not the person, place, or thing in general…

There will be days when you’ll remember and days when you’ll forget. There will be days when you can feel it and days when you are numb. There will be days. So many days. Each one - a little better or worse. But, my sweet darling, there will be more days. And, that’s the blessing…

Here’s to another year of creating and creation with The Creator. So thankful to see twenty-eight. I’ve been through a lot in this short period of time but, one thing that I’ve learned lately…it’s all for the greater good - if not for yourself - than for everyone else you have or have yet to encounter and do life with. So, here’s to what is yet to come, what has already happened, and what is currently on the way. Here’s to a new year and a new age. Happy Birthday, Kid.

There will come a time where you will have to fight for yourself. Where you will have to stand alone and hold your own. In that moment, you will finally see what you are truly made of. Maybe, you will shock yourself and discover your hidden weaknesses. Maybe, you will shock yourself and discover your hidden weaknesses. Whichever it maybe…you will witness it through such an experience and you will rejoice at the opportunity to grow and mature in this moment.

Everything I say, isn’t meant for everybody. Anything I do, isn’t meant for anybody in particular. Somethings, somethings are just meant for me. One day, I hope you’ll be able to understand these things.

Darling, I know you have had many tough days and plenty of long nights. You have been hurt, confused, and lost, too. I know it feels like there’s no where to go and no one to run too. And, perhaps you’re right. However, being alone isn’t always a bad thing. It’s alone in the darkest places where all of the miracles happen! So, take a breath. Breathe for a minute. Take a look around you. You see the place your in and the conditions you’re enduring through? Beloved, all of that is going to change in due time. There will be no more dark days. No more cold nights. No more torture and torment. You don’t deserve that. No one does. Not from yourself or others. Not to yourself or others! You got to believe that. This is no way to live and you were never meant to endure through so much agony, despair, or hellish conditions. And, I’m telling you…it’s all going to get better. Every day will be a bit brighter. Every moment will hold great meaning. Each breath will have a reason to remind you that you are alive and well. You will feel powerful. You will be untouchable again. Your mind will be at ease. Your heart will begin to beat to the rhythm of it’s own drumming. Your voice will be used and elevated to volumes most haven’t even used. Your actions will impact the world and your reactions will change lives. You will rise again. You will stand upon your feet, grounded. You will step into position, rooted in your identity and truth. You will step up to every obstacle, every problem, every situation and circumstance - ready to find a solution and put a end to whatever challenge you may face. Yes, you might shed tears. Yes, you might shake. Yes, you might sweat. Yes, you might bleed. Yes, you might die. Yes, you might. But, it will all be worth it. It will all be worth it in the end. Today, you step out of the shadows and into the light. Today, you become who you are predestined to be and leave behind who you thought you were. Today, the chains of the labels and the opinions of others come off. Today. It’s all happening today! Right now, in this moment. You are free. You are able to walk away and never look back to those former things, ever again. But, only if you want too. No one can force you to want to be saved or healed. That’s a decision you have to make on your own. It starts in your heart, it moves to your mind, and it’s declared out of your mouth. You can do it, if you want too. All you have to do is believe that it is possible and that you’re worth such a change to begin. This is the process. This is the road to recover. This is the journey to being healed.

Most days, I don’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I feel inadequate. Like, no matter what I do or say…it just won’t make sense. People won’t get it. They don’t get me. They never understand. Most of the time, I feel invisible. Not noticed or seen. I fade into the background and dwell amongst the shadows of everyone else surrounding me. My voice is soft and timid. I have no tone. My words are the sweetest whispers only a few who are close to me can hear them. I scream in painful agony, silently. Trying not to burden anyone with my baggage or being. But, sometimes…I need help. I shrink and feel small amongst crowds, so…I try not to take up too much room when I fit into where I belong. Even when cozy and nestled close in my position and role. I still feel alone. I still feel as if I don’t belong. As if, I am unworthy to be in this place. As if, I am undeserving to be where I am. As if, I should be ashamed of being who I am. But, sometimes…I need space. It’s exhausting and I am so tired. I need someone to talk too. I’m tired of changing. Tired of adapting. Tired of pretending. Tired of denying these feelings as if they don’t come from something deeper. I need someone to save me. This is broken. This is dysfunction. This is anger. This is sorrow. This is despair, grief, depression, rage, and confusion. This is a slow painful death to a person I love but, lost so long ago. I need for you to care. This is me. Breaking down to ashes. But, I won’t stay down here too long. I promise. I need to rise up and start over. This is my recovery to freedom…

Darling, I see you busting your behind to get where you’re going. That hustle is in your blood, that grind is in your bones and that ambition is in your spirit. You’re always quiet but, your actions speak louder than words. You stay to yourself and keep everything on the low. You hate a audience cause you’re not trying to put on a show. You go to work. You get a bag. You never say much to the world. But still, I noticed your voice. I see your stance. You growing up and maturing over time, you’re becoming grand. Can’t say I’m not proud of you, I am, I can’t lie. I believe in you. I know your future’s bright. I’m rooting for you. Keep your eyes on the prize. You got this. Ain’t no need to deny your greatness. You better own it because I know you’re in-control of it. Be yourself and embrace you. Love yourself or no one else will. You’re healing the wounds, breaking the curses, and ridding yourself of your chains. You’re rebuilding yourself and recreating the life you always wanted. I’m so glad to see you succeeding, after being told you’ll never make it. You’ve done beyond that. I salute you! It’s all love, kid. I see you.

In the midst of trying to love myself, am I trying to love someone else? I tried this before and it didn’t work out. Should I do it, again? I’ve picked up majority of my shattered pieces. With a little bit of super glue, I’ve managed to put this heart of mine back together. It’s not perfect nor does it look like the norm but, it works and functions as purposed. No strings attached, it hasn’t been sown to my sleeve or unraveled by anybody. However, it’s chambers are still full and being cleaned every moment. I know it’s alot to consider and even more complicated to ponder but, I have to find an answer before I die of fear or embarrassment. Will hurt win and triumph over me with it’s scornful gloats? Or, is it possibly for me to sanely indulge in the life of others in pure joyful bliss while accepting new love through a dream of life’s best? This is the question left existing in me…

Darling, I know you try so hard to hold onto your morals. You push yourself to the highest standards and expectations. You try your hardest to do the best for yourself and others you encounter. Yet, even in the midst of all of your hardwork and efforts…things don’t always go as planned or become all that you’ve imagined. It’s okay. Beloved, it’s okay to fail at things that are out of your control. It’s okay to be upset when things don’t go your way and to even react at things that push you pass your breaking point. You are human. You feel everything. You have emotions. And, sometimes…you’re going to act and react to certain situations and outcomes. That doesn’t make you a terrible person. That doesn’t make you a burden to anyone. That doesn’t make you anything less than what you are. You are enough. You are what you’re supposed to be. You’re in the process of becoming and doing what you’re called to do. Yet, everything and everyone in this world isn’t working for you nor against you. They’re all just working. Take a step back and breathe for a moment. I know your high expectations lead you to believe that you are more than capable and able to do extrodinary things - that I don’t disagree with. However, your desire and need to prove yourself and the capacities you stretch to do those things - that scares me. You’re willing to sacrifice yourself on behalf of others but, do you know if they’ll be able to do the same if the tables turn. There is nothing wrong with being a martyr for the right reason but, are you putting yourself in jeopardy for the wrong one? That’s a question you need to ask yourself and truly deal with. Is this really who you naturally are or is this who the world has made you become? Are your comfortable in the way that you are living? Honestly…are you living at all? Because, that’s your main purpose. To live and thrive in the life you’ll create in due time, not just serve and survive until you die.

The people that are apart of your life, they’re a reflection of who you are. They each reflect a part of you and also hold a part of you that you are meant to become. So, take a look around. What do you see that you like and dislike? What do you desire to obtain from them the most or desire to rid them of? You’ll be suprise to know the answer and how it’s also how you see yourself…

It’s okay to restart and reset. Restart your life. Reset your goals. Restart your brand and following. Reset your style and habits. Restart your relationships. Reset your values and boundaries. Restart your education and training. Reset what you trust and believe in. Restart your self love journey and reset your vision of yourself. Seriously, It’s okay to start over.

I release what I have no control over. I let go of what no longer serves me. I relinquish my temporary desires and expectations. I surrender to my God and myself, alone. I accept what is and understand what was. I am walking away from my past. I am present, here and now. I embrace change for what it is and all it has to offer. I am thankful to be alive and well in all of my bodies. I am creating a positive life, working in an obedient and disciplined mindset, and operating at a higher frequency of pure love. I am no longer bound to anything or anyone. I am free. I am me. I am.