#twcpoem
The night I realised I needed therapy
It was 2 in the night, and I was watching
a reaction video on my phone. It was 2
in the night, so I let my mind go and let
it roam freely wherever it wanted to. It
had been on the leash the entire morning.
It was 2 in the night and I didn’t anticipate
what might happen.
I remember distinctly that I was breathing
fine. I was breathing fine, a moment and
the other I was racing along with my
thoughts. It wasn’t too late, and my body
started racing around my room too. It was
2 in the night, so I decided to not wake
people up. People, what people? I’m alone.
Sometimes I wish to sleep this feeling away,
but if I sleep now, I’ll be caged in my mind
where my sleep demon awaits my arrival,
and I am not ready for that rendezvous.
Hence, I’m awake. Trying to breathe, trying
to sleep, failing at both.
I clearly remember, meeting him, them,
when I briefly closed my eyes. It happens,
not a lot but in the night, when it’s 2, that’s
the only thing that my brain does. When I see
them, I don’t see colors, I don’t hear their
voice, I see them and I see myself through
them.
When I look at myself, through them, I see a
sack of blood and flesh, lying on the bed,
Immobile and frozen. I see a pathetic body
not even trying to fight it, using the 21
seconds rule as an escape to not move. It’s
almost as if she wants to stay in this state
forever.
When I see myself looking at me, I feel
frantic. I hate myself at that moment, but I
can’t, I just can’t move. I know if I stood up
right now, I’ll fight it. I’ll fight with everything,
I’ll run away, and I’ll be gone and if I lay there
all night, without moving, my judgement
would stare me down and leave me in my
misery.
They are getting closer with each thought
that chokes me. I want to break the barrier
and just hide in the bathroom. Why am I
resisting this? They are here, reaching out
to me and there’s nothing more for me to do
than join them and live in this vulnerability.
Pause
A soft wind blows through the grass,
As soft as her fingers through my hair,
It rattles the chains of the nearby swingset,
Accompaniment to the quiet sounds of trafic on an empty street.
Her smile is cool and gentle,
I see its outline while squinting up at her,
The blue sky halos her head like a crown,
My head is resting on her lap.
I kiss her hands as she smooths my stubbly face,
The whole world erases itself, save this park on the side of the road
It’s a good afternoon….
strangers dancing on tongue
twirling with delight
beating to devilish drums
sweet to bitter back to sweet, one two one
no in between — no other routine
here, then there, then here
swift, trodding by air
begging for touch to not
burn this time but to
intertwine and find me at
the bottom of the glass or
your throat
i last cut my hair when you were awake,
when hair hung below my ears but above my shoulders
ive had it grow long for years you have been gone
kept it around for the sake of our fate
an act of self-preservation i thought
or for what now seems as delusion.
ends split,
dead weight remained from the mess i became
i cut it off, like a noose to life
defying the odds
i restore my truth.
a dream is a spiders web
entangling, but a home
each thread a bed for rest
each rest an ungraceful wed,
reminders of sacred times
where reality is on lucks side.
light breaks, such illusions dissipate,
within seconds of awakening the dream is dead
the grasp loosened, the home gone
— and the web is weak filament, almost false,
leaving purpose stranded
with no patience to hold
and its spider noiseless within calamity
the sun danced on Ector street
warming each home and those who roamed
I was only a visitor at the time,
life had wings and flowed with each breeze,
every hope and dream breathed from the concrete — the roots of your home
sun rays gleamed from and at you all at once
we couldn’t see past each beam
blinded by light or love
and we shared it unequally.
we rise and fall like each passing day,
we failed to last our eternity
or perhaps we have just begun—
the sun still dances on Ector street
maybe that is us.
hate never fumed in me as much as it has since i last saw you
dead weeds ripped from my roots and the hate swooped through
transplanted and bloomed all ready to weave around like your noose
it attracts all toxic traits, greed and rage
consuming its prey, there is no dying light only a blinding one
i cannot go gentle, i cannot go at all
rage, rage, there is no good night
only hate eats
and love breathes steadily,
then falls asleep
on your chest
where nothing beats.
poison remains in my eyes
because you’re forever not in sight
but i cut hate’s stem now and again
hoping you’ll revisit and make your amneds
or that this revival will
somehow mend the wounds of hate,
so my soul could breathe again
open wounds laid on the bed
safe for them to take their meds
open wounds make people cringe
too gruesome for them to understand
open wounds from a pen
bleed red
from delirious wolves who devoured the flesh
open wounds from your own head
written for all to live and say aloud instead
follow the shadows of the leafless trees
each route a different one
where a new life has sprung.
even in conditions of weariness
the shadows lead to
a place for you
to confide or to lose
everything you ever knew
before stepping foot
in a path never took
day breaks into new
for some to fly or fall;
you watch them scatter around trying to find their place in
fields of eight foot sunflowers or treacherous minefields
with their teeth out for the world to see they are happy
or expressionless to keep trespassers away;
you witness the madness in a new day
watching hope play mind games of her own
where sunrise is an imposter for change, and merely a chance for all
either to fly or to fall.
i store sunshine in a jar
pour her out when i am alone
run her through my hair
drizzle her on clouds for all to see
from a far away place unknown.
i use her to dilute all infiltrations of you,
making what all was once dark blue
shine bright as if brand new
There were no flowers left. No card to display. There was no breakfast in bed. No celebration. There were no words said. Instead, the children went on with their day - laughed & played amongst those who raised them. But, the one they wanted most never made it home to greet them..
Darling, you gotta believe in yourself. Choose yourself. Show up, be aware, and present for yourself. Put in the time and dedication needed while doing the work. Take care of yourself. Heal. Make a mends. Forgive and forget. Make sure you’re okay mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically while always doing your best. You deserve to live life and thrive. You are loved. You are cherished. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are everything you’re supposed to be. You don’t have to hide it. And, yes…you have flaws. A few of them. But, those things often change overtime. You have all that you need to have all that you want. You don’t have to ask for anything. You don’t have to beg for nothing. You don’t have to hide or minimize who you are. You are exactly who you’re supposed to be. Live your life. Gather your tribe. Manifest your dreams. Build your kingdom. Do what you like and love. Try what you hate and learn what you don’t know. Experience and explore this world and all that it has to offer you. There are blessings hidden within everyday with your name on it. Each day is a gift, every moment is a present. Be willing and open to criticism and learning. Be honest and truthful about yourself and others. Love yourself. Hug yourself. Date yourself. Let go and live. Don’t be afraid of the unknown or confused about what is know. Don’t fear anything at all. Go with the flow of what you’ve been called, positioned, and purposed to do. Embrace yourself. But, most of all…get rooted. Build yourself a solid foundation, safe haven, and home. For yourself and others by knowing who you are, what you stand for, & why. Never straying away from your truth. All of this your responsibility. This is how you discover your true identity. Take accountability over it. There is great power inside you. You deserve to be celebrated and known. Your DNA is one of a kind. You matter just as much as everyone else. There is no one else just like you. So, come on…tell and show the world who you are. Don’t hold yourself back or limit yourself. We’re all dying to know the real you. This is your time. Introduce yourself. “Hi, my name is…”
This can’t be it. This isn’t my dream. This won’t be my forever. I refuse to sit and dwell here. I refuse to give up. I refuse to settle. I’ve come to far to get to this place, although I’m passing through. I gave up so much of myself, although, I needed me too. But, this isn’t it. This can’t be it. This isn’t what I expected. This isn’t what I want or need. This isn’t it. I swear, it isn’t.
We’ve been desensitized to strip the human of their humane emotions & thought process; in exchange for instilling society with artificial intelligence & an algorithmic emotional state that’s incapable to empathize or sympathize with humanity. That’s not progress, it’s a setback..
To those in need of some encouragement & inspiration while stuck in a dark & twisted space, those questioning & seeking answers, those alone & lonley suffering in silence, those without a voice or depressed, or those contemplating a world changing decision…I know the pain, emotions, and experiences are real. I know the pressures, situations, circumstances, challenges, and hardships are taking a toll on you. I know the constant battle of debating & defending yourself is difficult. It is, there’s no denying it.
However, may I say…You’re here for a reason, with a purpose, & given a choice to live the best life you can in & through these horrid trials & perils. Please, don’t give up. Please, hold on. The world is brutal & the experience is mind blowing. I won’t argue with you about that but it’s still good. With all of the bad things that occur. The same amount of good is still evident and occuring around, to, through, and for you. We’re all better and worse off than each other at any given moment. It’s no fair no equal. No, but, it’s life. And, it’s still worth living, regardless. Please reach out to someone. Communicate & seek the proper help for your current situation. I know humans are messy & crazy but, there are still people in this world that will be willing & able to help, assist, provide, protect, maintain, & manage your crisis. We want to help! You aren’t in this alone. Be your own hero, save yourself by letting someone know you need help. You need you. Just like your family, friends, and those you encounter in this world - we all need you. We all want you. And, although it may not seem that way at times…it’s true.
Each and every day, we’re choosing to do more for ourselves and each other. So, we’re here and every day we’re going to choose to show up, be present, be aware, & stay conscious of this gift of life until we can’t anymore. We will support & protect you the best of our ability. We will love each and every part of you and encourage you to do the same. Not because we’re obligated or have too. No, because we want too and know that regardless of how any of us feel, we are all the same and in need of the same things. We’re all connected. And, without you - we’re all missing something that we could’ve, should’ve, would’ve had and experienced but, never got a chance too.
Please, reconsider your decision. Evaluate your feelings. Know your experience is vaild. However, so it your purpose. Please, choose to be alive. Not just alive but, to truly live & not just survive. Live your life abundantly. Seek the help & support you need. Find a community that will uplift, push forward, hold down & keep you accountable. Be responsible & kind to yourself & others. Because, things are going to get hard & be difficult. There will be major struggle & resistance to the process of recovery & healing. Some days will be better than others. Sometimes, things will drag & suck but, things will get better. I believe in, am praying & rooting for you. Don’t give up. You got this!
Forgive me. I say that in advance because I know once you’ve encountered me and my essence…you won’t be able to fathom how I caused your mind to think, your heart to beat, your soul to feel depth, your inner child to create and dream, or your spirit to be vulnerable and speak..
Not everyone will be able to understand your stance or the state you’re currently in to have that view and that’s okay! Move your own way, at your own speed, at your own time - one day at a time. Don’t worry about others. You are your own person, on your own journey - embrace yourself!
I love you. I’m not ready to lose you. Goodbye isn’t a statement that I’ll allow to escape my lips. It shouldn’t be thought or said. It’s not time yet. Life is short and eternity is too long. I don’t want to let go of what we have. I can’t let go of you - not a single part. You are my everything. My lifeline. My heartbeat. Without you, I am lost. I don’t want to wonder what happened or how things went wrong. I don’t want to question if I failed you or could’ve done more. I don’t want to blame anyone or anything. I don’t want to sabotage, isolate, hide, or run away. I’m here. I show up and am present, every day. I assess our problems and become an asset to our situations. I clean up our messes and I mend all that is broken. I give without question and I listen without judgement. I love unconditionally and I try my best to be all that you need. But, sometimes, I wonder if this isn’t supposed to be and if I’m standing in our way - doing everything. These are questions left existing.
Sleep child, close your eyes & dream. Today is over but, tomorrow will soon arrive again. No need to wait up, waiting for darkness to fade. Morning will come. You will change, becoming different from day to day, although all else in the world will feel the same…
