do you go to end it all but the way you’ve planned is all outside and you have major ptsd and major anxiety to even step foot outside so you’re trapped inside your head with no way out so you just lay in bed for another long ass day, which makes your days blend into the day before that and the day before that etc.. waiting for everyone to leave so you can run out and forget about everything, and just end your life all together. which leads you to having your leg looking like a chopping board and you cutting to make you not feel numb.. and then you smoke weed to help you sleep but it doesn’t work because you physically cannot sleep, so camhs are arranging sleeping meds.. and everyone talks shit about you because you’re “lazy” and you aren’t the favourite and your family are in a major aruement which you apparently aren’t aloud to get involved in because apparently the family will hate you but they already do.
One of us used to really like that weird Japanese gore art. Don’t know what it’s called. But it usually has something kinda fucked up written on it. Whoever it was liked it because of the sick feeling it gave us. Then We stopped getting that feeling. Some of that art popped up on our dash and there it was! The same sick feeling. We are feeling alive again, some of us think. Empathy… None of us in front like that art btw. So We don’t know who it was. We don’t actually like the feeling it gives us. But We are happy to have empathy back. Like fully back.
I, Teen am officially done with feeling bad for the way We cope and the way We heal. If you can’t make it better then you have no say. If you can’t take our symptoms away and make existing easier for us then you have no say. There is a reason We don’t have friends. We have too much to work through to be anything that anyone needs!
I wish I could feel things normally again. I be needing shows or books to feel something and it’s just sad. That shouldn’t be the case at all. Whenever I do feel something tho I can never tell if it’s genuine or if I’m faking that emotion and ultimately just end up dwelling over it with no answers whatsoever.
I think a lot of people think that once you go to the doctor and get meds for depression and anxiety then that’s it. Or that you cannot question or tell the doctor stuff. But you can. When I told my doctor that the meds in the past that I took made me feel numb, which in turn made me want to kill myself, then she took steps to help me feel better about other kinds of meds completely outside that family of drugs that I had taken previously.
The doctor-patient relationship is a two way street. Yes, the doctor knows things, but you have to be able to communicate what the issues you have are, and sometimes you might even have to convince them there’s a real problem. On the other hand, sometimes the match-up between doctors and patients aren’t that great so it can also be good to find a new doctor.
Once I felt I could trust the doctor after they explained that it was different, I decided to try to take this new antidepressant medication. Of which took a process of months to determine if I needed more, then we discussed introducing a new medicine along with the current one, which is still a process I’m going through now. These kinds of things aren’t set in stone, and you have to be able to be flexible and commutative. Doctors don’t know everything, and they certainly don’t know how you actually feel unless you tell them. It’s important to communicate your concerns and report side effects that make you feel uncomfortable. Meds aren’t supposed to make you feel numb. They aren’t designed for that. So once she told me this, I felt better about trying new ones.
Whatever the case, if you’re not ready to take meds then don’t. Just know that’s an option if you want to take it. I was unmedicated for many years due to my trauma as a teen of being forced to take meds that made me feel bad or worse than I had already felt. So, I totally get it. Just try to take care of yourself. If you know something is wrong or are struggling, try to seek out help. Whoever that is, just try. If you ever need a person to talk to, my door is always open.
