#living with ptsd

I’ve reached level 25 (officially referring to birthdays as levels from now on )

I know that when i was 20, I was a totally different person; I mean I was in the closet ️‍ and married to a man. So…big changes happened in my life in just 5 years I finally came out as a lesbian and left my husband, told my loved ones about my ADHD and PTSD and am now the most authentic me I can be.

I’m excited and nervous to meet the level 30 version of myself

How have you changed in the last 5 years? What shit about yourself are you currently working on? (I’m working on my executive functioning skills)

My mom is home from the mental hospital and she really shouldn’t have been released yet she is already throwing shot around the house so yay

I long for a darkness only found in my childhood home. The basement buried deep in the soil surrounded by the forest’s roots. Cold brick walls felt safe when everything else was so scary. The basement was a bomb shelter protecting me from the war happening above. Plates being thrown through the air couldn’t reach me deep in the earth. No hands could touch me when I was cradled by the dirt. I just want to go back

My body is not made just for sex. It’s made for dancing, hugging my dog, and smiles. My worth is not in my sex appeal.

Y’all ever just have some crazy ass trauma related dreams?

Im so sick of this pandemic and how common eugenics is just constantly now. I have spent the evening crying and actually most of the day crying because of how little people care about how so many have just died so quickly.

Sometimes I would just like to tell the people closest to me: hey, I was raped.

But then I don’t, because they’ll look at me differently.

My heart is pounding and my thoughts are circling. Life gives me anxiety.

I thought I was doing better.

But then there was that one comment.

By a stranger.

And now I’m reliving all the traumatic feelings. The rape. The kidnapping. Everything.

Drowning. Just drowning by myself.

Can we talk about little space for a moment?

Not ddlg k!nk shit. Just people who go into little space because it is so so misunderstood. It’s not about wanting to have s3x with child or an adult “pretending” to be a kid.

Some people were robbed of their childhood. Some people suffered traumatic events in their childhood, maybe even infancy. They never knew life or even childhood without trauma. In teenage years or adulthood it can be therapeutic to enjoy the things most kids do. They didn’t get to back then, so who are you to tell them now that they can’t? Everyone deserves the sweet feeling of innocence and joy.

(Maybe tw) For example, my first traumatic experience was at 2 years old. A dog attack that made me terrified of going outside. I didn’t get to play on playgrounds or sidewalk chalk like others did. I was inside too scared to go out and have fun. I experienced s3xual abuse from 3-6 years old. I never knew a life without trauma. I never knew childhood without trauma. Now I’m 20 and I honestly find so much enjoyment in toys, stuffies, playgrounds, crayons, etc. I’m always so embarrassed to admit it, I’m afraid to look immature or stupid or like I’m just k!nky. It’s not s3xual at all for me. It’s coping. It’s an escape from my normal self (who is anxious, depressed, paranoid). Instead I get to be playful, innocent, and imaginative.

That was my writing, these pictures are not mine but go along with the post: