#spillage
She became convinced that the measure of her existence hung in the balance.
That the complexity of her calm fell in the number of idle breaths she took a day
That her beauty was a scarcity of times that she glanced at the mirror without feeling repulsed.
She is fragile.
Picking up the broken pieces that were once amassed to create a woman. Beautiful and resolved.
All it takes for such a woman to fall, is the absence of someone to pick up the pieces.
And instead of being her own someone. Her own harrowing warrior.
She fell.
Cracked under pressure.
She was broken. And needed everything she swore she’d never want.
Searched for her own validation in the hands of another. And slowly wept; wilted away into her own self demolition.
She lived shadowed under a blanket of grievances.
They were no longer the materialistic obstacles that used to hoard her time.
The were deep and dark and ugly.
She’s slipping into a black hole of her own creation. In a list for validation to find value in herself hidden in the arms of another. When will she realize that she is the only person that will give her worth. She is the only one who can understand her value. And she must fight to be comfortable in her own skin and bones rather than listlessly searching for a piece of her, hidden in a puzzle of broken souls.
She is fragile.
But she will live. And she will learn to love the pieces that have gone astray, the rounded edges and the bitterness that keeps her up till early hours. She will learn to look into the mirror and be content. She will pick up her own pieces. Put them into place.
She was fragile.
But now she is found.
Pieced together the broken.
And the broken;
Now forever bound.
r.t.
The way my hips sway every time that I walk
The piercing regret that sets in after I talk
When I look in the mirror it’s a monster I see
A monster that looks a whole lot like me
I don’t understand when this girl got so bad
I just wish her eyes in the mirror weren’t so sad
You see, I feel disconnected from the reflection that I own.
No more confidence
Into self-loathe I’ve grown.
r.t.
If you want to talk to him: go ahead
Dial his number and press call
But when he feeds you the same lines again be careful not to fall.
Life’s too short to worry.
Does he miss me?
Or did he move on?
But if you find out he does miss you, be careful not to fawn
If you’re still in love with him; that’s okay.
Just protect yourself from the games he plays.
Don’t let yourself break
Don’t let yourself fall.
But by golly if you want to see him, Just call.
r.t.
Why does the storm rock the flower
That gives it’s sweetest pollen to the bees?
Why does our God promise prosperity,
Then leave us tortured and broken on our knees?
Why does the sweetest fruit in summer
Always get picked away to rot?
Why does the happiest moment of our lives
Turn into just another nostalgic thought?
Why do the bad things come
To ruin all the pure?
Leave the faithful broken,
Equip the corrupt with the cure.
Why do bad things happen?
A question I can’t understand
As I stare into his pained eyes
And try to feed him some comforting lies.
His father left, and mother has cancer
How can I give him a satisfying answer?
He doesn’t deserve all that’s come his way.
All he did was love.
And what he loved was taken away.
r.t.
How lovely it is to have someone care
How lovely to know that someone is there.
How lovely to feel as lovely as can be.
Lovely is all I feel, when you’re with me.
A glass frame of mine.
A glass frame of mind.
Staring in at a stranger
Stranger staring back
My mind as good as shattered
Beauty scarred with cracks
A reflective type of window.
A respective type of window.
Distorted truth
Claimed it’s credibility like a crook
Hidden behind a lie
Can’t get back the toll it took
When you’re gone, every rain drop seems to drown me.
Every shadow casts an immortal darkness
Every glimmer of light seems to scald me.
When you’re gone, all the seasons happen at once and I am both hot and cold. Burning from the absence of your cool composure to soothe me. Freezing without the warmth of your smile to relieve me.
When you’re gone it is both night and day. I am a child scared to death of the darkness cowering in the corner trying to separate myself from the dark that your shining eyes used to transcend. In the daylight I struggle to steer clear of the scalding sun that used to be overshadowed by your cool and calming demeanor. Keeping me under a shadow of clear and blissful protection.
When you are here I am the blooming daisies of spring. Painting a portrait in a brisk and bright meadow. I am a Popsicle melting in the summer heat bright and sweet. A leaf painted with the pigments of fall, gently fluttering to the earth below. The first snowfall of winter crisp and refreshing. A piece of magic a mystery for the mindful eyes of a child sitting idly by the window.
When you are gone I am the thunderstorms that haunt the spring. My tears drench the daisies and leave them suffocated without light. I am the summer child left to stare at my melted ice treat. Left only to be covered in a sticky situation and scolded by my mother who told me not to indulge in sweets before settling down to dinner. An abundance of leaves coving the yard. I must be raked and hidden away. Leaving the yard immaculate. Away from the chaos of missing you. A blizzard that leaves the world hidden away under a thick sheet of ice. Cold and punishing.
When you are here, everything seems beautiful.
When you are gone, everything seems beautiful, except for me.
r.t.
We speak without words
And breath without air
Our hearts compose without beats
And we shine without glare.
The earth seems silent
whenever we are together
The loudest of silences
Forever and never
r.t.
It’s shallow
But I’m drowning
In a hate so rooted deep
I’m lost inside reflections
An uphill battle that’s too steep
Taught to battle monsters
I keep fighting them with skill
forgot to warn me that the ones inside
were not okay to kill.
r.t.
Looking for all the right answers
in all the wrong places.
Looking to find myself
in everybody else’s faces.
Can’t keep praying
for what I swear I don’t need.
Can’t keep trying to understand
a book I won’t read.
I expect others to see value
in a place I never do.
I expect my plans to succeed
though I don’t think them through.
Obsessive.
Compulsive.
Right in all the wrong ways.
Seems like I’ll be stuck here choking on self-hatred
till somebody stays.
r.t.
It’s late and I miss you.
You were to be my everything
My refuge
You kept me safe.
From myself.
Happy.
It’s late and I miss you.
My mind wanders
I’ve thought up
A million things to say to you
Things I won’t.
But wish I could.
It’s late and I miss you.
And life is short.
But so was your temper.
And I’m still trying to make sense of what happened.
It’s too late.
I miss you.
You called today.
Not even the warmth of your voice could salvage the icy front I had put up.
You weren’t here when I needed you.
It’s late
and hopefully now you miss me.
But I think I’ve finally stopped
Missing you.
r.t.
“It’s whatever”
He said with tears in his eyes
He hid away
Broken.
I didn’t fall for his lies
His parents drank often
He promised himself he wouldn’t
I told him to stay strong
He told me, he couldn’t
He got home from school
Everyday exhausted
Nobody realized his strength
Until one day he lost it.
For him to inhale and say yes one more time.
To a life he was robbed of
The most complex of crime.
He sat in class silent,
But when asked he would spill
Because all he needed
Was someone to listen and be still
He’d tell them his story
The one he told me
And they’d watch amazed at the new depths they’d see.
A boy who was strong
A boy who was clever
But when concluding his tale
He’d just utter “it’s whatever”
r.t.
The words became heartbeats more alive than myself
And the ideas became words
Books strewn on a shelf
Collecting dust
Just enough to cloud the mind
Picked up and swept away
A dusty dream to find
I hate myself for loving him
I fall a victim of his idle grin
His jokes are tasteless
His words are vain
But when I’m with him
There is no pain.
Just the subtle sting of wanting him mine.
I hate myself for giving him all my time.
I’ll write a letter to you every day that you’re gone
The words flow like blood dripping out as they’re drawn
A letter to you
Every day that I miss
A confession of heartbreak
Sealed with a kiss
r.t.
Big Squeeze
