#trans enby
When you get that feelingof intense gendereuphoriaand you’re like, oh so this is what life is supposed to feel like?
You know, people keep telling me that my gender is whatever is in my pants, but I’m not wearing any pants? Please explain.
I want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony.
I want a kiss like my heart is hitting the ground.
I need to come out.
And transition.
It’s becoming really clear to me the more I push this off, the more I pretend it’s not an issue…
I can barely survive twenty minutes. I’m smoking and drinking all I can just to cope.
I know what I need.
I just keep saying no to it.
And then I say yes to things, I don’t even really mean to say yes to but I do because I’m trying to run from my feelings.
I want to say no to distractions…
But I can’t even stay present in myself without feeling this discomfort and panic and fear of rejection dumping in on me.
It feels like I’m escaping from my body to try to find presence.
Then I go out of my way to design a life where most of it is “escaped,” and it’s great…
But it all collapses on me like a stack of jenga as it feels like …I’m still hiding.
And I don’t know why.
“Because I’m scared.” Actually no, I’ve found something even more scary: living this way.
“Because I’m going to be rejected.” Honestly bring it on, I don’t even care.
“Because people will try to change me.”
Ok.
That one still hurts.
I still feel like some people are rooting for me to turn out cis. I gotta make it their problem that life didn’t meet their expectations, who cares? They can shove it.
From 14 to 40!
I started T in 2012, was on and off for a year or two, and have been on low dose ever since. Whether it’s T or age or both, I certainly look different. More importantly I feel different
Although this is not quite what I expected to look like (hello facial hair) I look like me, every day. Honestly I don’t know what I expected myself to look like at 33, because at the time I had not found any publicly visible nonbinary role models who had medically transitioned.
So here’s a shout out to all those #trans#genderqueer#nonbinary folks who have opened themselves up to share their story, in private or in public, with others who will follow. ❤️
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call my gender rue cause i’m feelin euphoria
